My heart

 Thank you so much for your love. I don’t deserve it. I’m humbled by it. You see my heart for what it is, even when my sinful desires take hold. The way you love me is what Jesus preached. I have accepted that my body will not be healed like I once prayed. God knows if He cured me, I might think I didn’t need Him or want Him. As I am, I’m constantly reminded of my need for Him, but mostly my want for Him. And that’s what He wants most from me. And I serve at His pleasure, not my own. 

He’s taking me through valleys I never thought I’d touch again. I’ve touched them, however. I’ve resided there. There is purpose in the pain. Purpose in the process. If I’ve written these words before, it’s because I have. And they still are true. The years that pass don’t nullify their validity. It amplifies them. I’m a human being who sometimes wants things too easily or right now. I’m imperfect. I accept that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea. I have champagne taste on a beer budget. Do I wish I didn’t. Sure do. That’s God’s job to convict me of. If He uses another human being to do it, who I am to question. 

This is not directed at anyone. These are the random thoughts of my heart. I’ve tried to change my heart, but He hasn’t done that yet either. I’m also learning that if I don’t ask, I don’t receive. Do I expect it, no, but if I don’t ask I will never know. And I’ve lived with enough regret for a lifetime questioning my worth. And I refuse to do it any longer. 

Peace, hope and love my friends 

Regine

Have a great day

 Good morning friends. If yesterday’s post left a sour taste in anyone’s mouth, I’m very sorry. I will do better. I don’t want anyone to feel any obligation to me in any way. 

Sometimes, I make mistakes, and seek forgiveness. I’m very sorry. 

Sending love

Your way

And hoping 

For grace

As I learn

And continue

To do so

Every day

Home

 Just came home from another procedure. Let me tell you, procedures don’t get easier. My body is not normal. If I already didn’t know it before, the narrative just got reinforced. I have some new products to possibly consider trying. The health and wellness space in the market are having a field day in my online shopping cart these days. I’m having to read reviews for the best product for my needs. On a lighter note, I’m off to rest. I must say you all were right on target with what you’d send me, but Sheri at Red Rose Alley really has me pegged. I’d love to see what you’d pick for me, if you actually sent something. Wishing you a beautiful afternoon. 

Love,

Regine

Love

 It’s Ash Wednesday. A time of quiet reflection. Of what in me needs to be more like Him. What am I giving up this Lenten season. Self-doubt would be wonderful. 

Now for a fun question

If you were to send me snail mail or a surprise based on what you know about me, what would you send?  No need to send anything, just curious to see your responses. 

Sending love your way

Know

 Who knew the contents of my online shopping cart would be a hit. I guess it will become a regular post. 

Some tidbits about me

My love of unexpected surprises knows no bounds

Snail mail is a love language

I collect lip products. Same for nail polish

I love word searches

I use cream in my coffee. Vanilla preferably. 

In my cart

 So I’ve never found myself very interesting. I’m just a human being in need of Grace, but I was asked to share what was in my cart.

So here is what’s in my cart. 

Head x Veronica Beard tennis skort

Ascent chocolate protein powder

Colace stool softener

These are not glamorous purchases

Would I rather buy pretty pens, stationery and dresses yes. My wishlist is definitely more fun. You didn’t ask for that though. So we’re sticking to the boring essentials. 

What’s in your cart or on your wishlist?

What if

 This afternoon on the treadmill I had a moment of sadness. I remember the days when I could walk on it for an hour with no problems. No fear. No worry. Now, don’t ask how long I can last. It’s not even close to an hour. I started to wonder. Wonder what if. I realized quickly that thought wouldn’t serve me. I just shook my head, and continued walking. 

I don’t know how long it will take for me to recover physically, but it will be much quicker than my mental recovery. There is no doubt about that assessment. I didn’t understand what my therapist meant the last time I spoke with her. I get it now. 

Pray I can forgive myself for something I couldn’t control. Something I never saw coming. The decline was slow, yet rapid in a way I can’t explain. An oxymoron, I understand. To tell you the state of my soul, it feels like my online cart looks like new workout gear, protein powder and supplements. Rinse and repeat. 

Coming out of the weeds of denial is a much harder issue to tackle. It’s being tackled, however, because for grief to be dealt with properly; it must be. 

I’m learning slowly what it looks like to be my own cheerleader, until then my online cart purchases will be.