Friday, August 18, 2017

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Pride in broken ways

Today I took the time to read a book. I took time to revel in the silence. To be one with oneself. I contemplated my life. I've come to peace with Cerebral Palsy. I've come to peace with my faults. I've come to peace knowing that the life I had come to despise, is one God knew I needed. I don't want answers. Answers don't breed peace, they breed heartache. Christ is the only Truth I want. I've come to realize I desire to want to want Him more than wanting Him for neediness. When I can show my hockey pucked abdomen and be proud, He's working in my prideful heart.  Will I ever be healed or whole, I can't answer. I work best as a broken vessel.

Fun

First four words that come to mind with the letter C?

Love.

Feeling blessed, grateful and very humbled. Thank you.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Would you rather?

Eat pickles or jam
Drink spring water or Crystal Light
Play soccer or watch baseball
Buy a bag or get a massage
Visit Quebec or live in CuraƧao

Grateful

Grateful for the love of Christ.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Thank you.

Thank you for your love and support. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Can I be honest?

I am exhausted. My body is telling me to rest. I can't fight Cerebral Palsy. My posts are brief. Honestly, I know. Right now, brief will have to do.
God Bless.

Would you rather

Eat salmon or eat beef
Drink water or tea
Skydive or do karate
Wear a watch or kerchief.
Visit Rome or live in Japan

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Remember

Sometimes I have to remind self.
It's ok to make mistakes.
It's ok to post something no one likes as long as I do.
It's ok to breathe.

Strength

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

Surrender. Word for the day.

Some days I need Christ's strength to surrender.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Monday, August 7, 2017

Grateful

What are you grateful for?

Would you rather

Eat an oatmeal raisin cookie or an avocado
Drink Pellegrino or Sangria
Shop or Ski
Kiss a dolphin or kiss a trophy
Visit Spain or live in Sicily

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Joy

In 34 years, I never thought I'd have to eat this much humble pie, but I'm consuming it daily.   Good advice will come to haunt you with its accuracy. Waiting pays off it's just not fashionable. I could cry tears of joy. Focusing on the good.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Faith

I would have never believed, but God He is leaving me speechless. He does the impossible. Have faith.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Would you rather?

Eat fruits or vegetables
Drink Champagne or Perrier
Sail or handglide
Invest in a bag or shoe
Visit Ireland or live in Portugal

Life

I was thinking yesterday. Disability forces you to wait. And for the most part, I've not been joyful about it. AT ALL. These days, I'm doing an about face. I can't change a whole lot, so I'm changing the one thing I can. My attitude. I can't be bitter. Bitterness doesn't make my dreams come faster, it just makes the journey sad. Life isn't roses, but it's worth it's worth the attempt. God Bless.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Love.

Lesson:  I underestimate God every day. I was so worried that nobody would wish me a happy birthday. I didn't matter. I want as popular as my sisters. I have been overwhelmed by the love, but the others words added to it were more than I could dream of. To be told you matter,  it's one of the best presents I could have received. Thank you all. Your love for me is something that leaves me speechless. Thank you for speaking life into my weary soul. Money can't buy what you've given me today. All my life, I've been told one thing and shown another. Words matter. Thank you.

Birthday

When you come to another birthday, You reflect. You thank God. You find that life's hardships and unfairness have made you who you are. I celebrate this day knowing I'm alive, "fearfully and wonderfully made" and blessed to know that with God I do not suffer vainly. My sufferings, joy and triumphs are all part of His Divine Will. John 15:4 "Remain in me and I will in you". Thank you Lord for making life worthwhile.  

Monday, July 31, 2017

Would you rather

Eat crab or linguine
Drink Cabernet or iced latte.
Drum or play percussion
Wear tanks or turtlenecks
Visit Italy or be a nomad

Friday, July 28, 2017

Faith

I'm trying to stretch my faith, and not fear. I'm doing one thing a day that scares me. I'm putting my feet in the water. It's scary. I'm doing it, because if I don't I won't grow. That's all I have for today. Any more would be disingenuous.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Personal post.

As I evaluate certain things about myself, I realize some things I need to work on. It's ok to be deliberate. It's okay not to have the answers, or the right ones. I don't have to feel guilty because others may not understand or accept you. Most of all, it's okay to be human. I haven't given myself the benefit of the doubt. I haven't been kind to self, and that is not okay. I'm so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I worry about others' feelings and not my own. I wonder when I will have the confidence to stop apologizing for who and what I am, and believe in.   Lord, let my faith be strong enough that what you think and say about me is the only thing that matters. It shouldn't be hard, but it is.

Pick

Mexico
Myanmar
Madagascar

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Would you rather

Take a power nap or sleep at night
Eat berries or brats.
Drink water or coffee
Sing oldies or spoken word
Live in Maine or visit Vietnam

Thoughts.

I need to give myself grace everyday.
I have no control over others thoughts of me
I am no longer fighting battles I can't win.
Change is gradual, it takes years
Sometimes chocolate and champagne are a good thing.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Would you rather

Eat apricot or drink a smoothie
Have your ears pieced or a tattoo.
Wear sweats or a bikini
Run on a treadmill or climb a mountain.
Visit Hamburg or live in Tulum

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Mom

This post is not about me.  It's about someone I love. She doesn't know I'm writing this. I wasn't there to witness it, but I am proud nonetheless. My parents went to Wal-Mart yesterday, for what exactly I cant describe. When in a small-town you are destined to see someone you know, or think you know. That's exactly what happened to my mom yesterday. I may not retell the story here as accurately, but I will try. In the sporting goods department of the Wal-Mart, two grown men came up to my mom, asked her if she was Ms./Mrs. so and so. These grown men happened to be two or her former students. What happened next is the stuff only God can do. These men told their sons that my mom was the best teacher they ever had. "The hardest in terms of discipline, but they learned their math."  To have others heap such effusive praise on someone you love puts it all into perspective. Our struggles are rewarded. It makes me realized how blessed I am that I still get to be taught by her. I'm a part of her great legacy. I think it was Maya Angelou who said "People won't remember what you did, but how you made them feel."  Present and future generations would be wise to remember this. Accomplishments are great, but character is forever. My late grandfather would always tell me you're either good or bad. I would always seek a more complicated answer. It can't be that simple. Pop Pop, if you can read this:  You were right. "Oh Lord Forgive Us."  Lord, Forgive Me. I am so profoundly blessed. Love others as if that's the only gift you can afford to give them.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Pick

Have health
Have wealth
Have faith

Getting to know you.

How do you take your coffee?
Favorite band in high school?
What is your dream job?
Guilty pleasure?
What is your middle name?

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Love

Just a heads up. Emotional post. This blog started as a way for me to get out of my own head.  I had too much pain, enough anger and resentment that could last a lifetime that was a ticking time bomb. If you are disabled, a disclaimer should be issued. If you thought childhood was a rough time, wait until you get older, to face a world you're not prepared to meet. Great parents help, but they can't shield you from blunt force trauma to your psyche. There is good in the world, but you may meet wolves in sheeps clothing. Back then, I was an uber-idealist. The world was roses and coffee beans. I had blinders on. Those years hardened me, and frankly I haven't dredged them up until now. Until I finally decided to address this elephant. Cerebral Palsy, how, I have detested you. I hated you. Now I just deal with you. People now know of this space, and its success and now don't question my abilities as much. It's flattering, but I had to prove it. Maybe I didn't. God just said:  Watch. God does for me more than I could ever dream to ask. I'm glad my best friend was persistent that day.   I've heard it said, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called.

Would you rather

Eat at a restaurant or home cooked meal
Drink alcohol or Kool-aid
Cardio or weights
Buy clothes or candles
Visit St. Barts or live in Costa Rica

Monday, July 17, 2017

Thank you.

Thank you for all your well wishes following my hospital visit. Every time I think of things as routine, it is not. The anxiety of it all is not fun. There is something about a hospital that puts your ego in check, your nerves on alert. Nothing about a hospital to bring out all human emotions. There is nothing like it. I would describe the procedure, but it's almost too visceral. Maybe one day. Right now, it's too real. Thank you. When you have health, you have it all.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Hospital

Had a long day at the hospital yesterday. Cerebral Palsy is no joke. Tired

Monday, July 10, 2017

Would you rather

Eat shrimp or drink V8
Swim in the Bahamas or hike the Alps
Pet a cat or own a dog
Play baseball or watch tennis
Live in Canada or visit Cuba

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Grateful for the reminder

I just read a blog comment that made the light bulb go off. "I'm handicapped, but my mind is clear" and folks what a blessing to be able to articulate my hopes, fears, dreams and aspirations. I've taken that for granted. I haven't taken proper stock. My value is not in a dollar bill, a principality or societal norm. Cerebral Palsy is allowing me the greatest gift. Not giving a darn. When you go under the knife more times than you can count, and consider having needles inserted into your abdomen as no big deal or routine, what others think of you is no big deal. My body is high maintenance, so what. I'm grateful for every doctor, everything. I'm learning what it is to love self without fear of reprisal. Thank you Sheri. "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" or take for granted.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Would you rather?

Eat a date or drink Perrier
cuddle a dog or pet a snake
Swim laps or run them
Emmanuel Macron or Ted Cruz
Visit Chaing Mai or live in Germany

The tongue

I was reading a blog post at Mix and Match Mama, and it got me thinking. Not a good thing. I have three other siblings. One older brother, and two sisters. We are triplets. I will preface this by saying this. They all are very successful. I am happy for their success, and I love them very much. All this to say, I've had to find myself apart from them. I've been compared to them and their success. I couldn't deal. I couldn't deal with being the only "defective" one. I could handle being asked what I would do with my life. I could help feeling like a "problem" child. I couldn't handle life. I couldn't handle my own questions. It's been said I "preach". Folks without God...I can't. It's just too painful. God is the reason I rise out of bed. The only thing worse than a battered body is a broken mind and soul. I can't explain it, and for the first time, I'm letting the tears fall. I have feared weakness so long. I am not my siblings. I can't duplicate their success. What is my contribution to society?  That question has haunted my soul for years. I can't be a politician, as I once wanted. No deep pockets, too many skeletons and I'm not a good liar. Words hurt, and I've tried to erase them. I can't. The tongue destroys. Now I know the words used to hurt me, God uses to redeem me. I am scared and worried to publish this.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Happy Birthday America.

Happy 4th to all. I'm proud to be an American.  I can pray. I can complain. This country allows people like myself to thrive. Have fun. Be safe. God Bless.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Would you rather

Cook in the kitchen or sing in the shower
Climb a mountain or walk the beach
Meet Sting or act with Robert DeNiro
Eat clams or drink tea
Sunbathe in St.Tropez or live in Gstaad

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Want vs.need.

I'm learning how to fight correctly. I'm almost exhausted enough to seriously consider total surrender. I'm learning that I want Christ, as opposed to just needing Him. I will always need Him,but will I always want Him?  Being me means I will always fight my pride. This is something I will fight. Being me means I will encounter injustice.  It's a fact of life. One I can acknowledge.  It shouldn't be. Sometimes I must accept that I can't change people, and move forward with the calling Christ has set before me. Acceptance of others leads to acceptance of self. A friend once told me I would come to a point where I would finally reach my point of exhaustion. I would get so tired, I would stop fighting the monkey. I had doubts this day would come. I no longer doubt.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Pick

Art lessons with Picasso
Cooking with Jose Andres
Shopping with Linda Fargo.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Never thought.

Realizing that we all want love and validation. God is allowing me courage to write words I wouldn't know when I'd be ready to write. I don't have all I want, but I'm learning true contentment until that day come.

Would you rather

Give up sugar or give up Internet
Meet Madonna or vacation with Richard Branson at Necker Island
Drink Kombucha or eat black-eyed peas
Shop at Barneys or Dance with ABT
Visit Sweden or live in Kenya

Monday, June 26, 2017

Faithful

Thinking again. God is so faithful to me, and I don't reciprocate.  Do I believe He can find me my mate?  I waver.  Maybe I'm tired of waiting. My life feels like a waiting game. I don't have enough gratitude or that dreaded p word. That is discussed in a prior post. I am a ball of uncertainty, when the only certainty is You.  You know every part of me, and that's scary. Refining is scary. Surrender. What you want. Are we ever fully surrendering?  Ripping the band-aid has been one of the most freeing experiences. I'm Regine, and I have Cerebral Palsy. Denial be darned. The dreaded d word. I could write a sermon on denial. I've spent years there. Freeing self seems so easy yet so hard.

Pick

LA
DC
Miami

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Adventures in online dating

This is a post I didn't really want to write. As a disabled woman who doesn't drive and lives in a rural area, dating can be difficult.  After much consideration I chose to embark in the world of online dating. It's been an education to say the least. I joined a reputable faith-based site or so I thought.  My emotions have run the gamut, my heart has gone through the gauntlet. I have been excited, angry and numb at some point during the journey. I have communicated with some men who the spark wasn't there, and we gradually moved on, but this scenario was few and far between. I have had far too many Mr. X's who just wanted action, and I didn't sign up for that.  Sorry, but this "cutie" doesn't like that.   I've had my body scrutinized like cows at the cattle sale in search of imperfections.   My face has been not pretty enough, and my hips, buttocks and thighs have been analyzed more thoroughly than I could have ever imagined. I've had two experiences in particular that have shaken me to my core. The first, C, and I had gotten to a point where we texting for hours each night, and sending daily emails. I thought he was promising in that my CP was a nonissue to him, and he liked me for me. One morning, C text me saying he would be visiting a location close enough for my parents to drive me to meet him. I was nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. My excitement would be short-lived.  The next morning, I text C "Good morning" per usual. He texts back saying I sent you an email. I excitedly check my email. My excitement soon turned to shock.   Nothing ever ends well when the first words are "Full Disclosure Regine".  In the span of 24 hours, I would learn I was just one of the women he was talking to, and that he had found the "One".  He enjoyed talking to me, but that's it. We would no longer meet.  Case of cold feet some friends have said. I don't know.  To add insult to injury, the day before I was a social media sleuth, I looked him up on Facebook, I would find out that who he claimed to be from his profile pic and Facebook didn't match. I looked him up, I don't why. Maybe intuition.
This next experience leaves me shaking my head seeking male input. I had B send a message on the dating site asking about the photos I had posted. I tried to answer them the best I could. His verdict:  My ample bosom pleased him, no doubt. The problem upon further inspection was that my lower half looked heavy. This was a major sticking point. He informed me that my heavy bottom half would impede his ability to perform in the bedroom. Blame the thigh gap. I'm still in shock.  Men, can you explain this to me.   After composing myself, I replied that it was a no-go for me and best of luck. I thought this was the end of the conversation, alas  it was not to be.   He then answered, saying "He was a practical man, who took his husbandly duties seriously, and the ability to please his wife intimately was paramount."  It's my fault you can't perform. I have a many thoughts on this, but none are good. During this exchange my look of incredulity grew, I was speechless, and still am.
After many other experiences with online dating, I need a break. I get carnal urges and desires, I do.  I have them to, but I am not one purely looking to satisfy an urge. I am more than my body weight. Online Dating was a good thing in that it taught me what I am looking for, versus what I'm not. I believe the right man is out there for me, I just haven't met.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Would you rather?

Speak English or sing in Spanish
Run a marathon or Sprints
Eat greens or drink wine
Hugs or kisses
Visit Japan or live in France

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Getting honest.

Honesty is a hard thing to have with self. Learning lessons the hard way. Seems it's the only way I learn.

Pick

Today Show
CBS This Morning
Good Morning America

Monday, June 19, 2017

Would you rather

Use a Bosu ball or do Pilates
Sing pop or dance techno
Pink nails or Red lips
Read or watch tv
Visit the Acropolis or live in Jaipur

Truth

The truth sets you free, I'm finding out. Discussing my Cerebral Palsy is painful, but necessary. It's a role, I never wanted, but now embrace slowly. The band-aid is slowly coming off.   God gets what He wants, you get what you need.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Faith

Do I trust God?  Really trust Him?  Trust Him with every desire?  Everything?  Honestly, no. If I did I wouldn't question why so much. I'm ashamed, but writing this helps me to see what needs improvement. My attitude. My sense of entitlement with God. I expect a lot from God, and I don't like waiting. I say that often. I haven't thanked Him enough. I haven't been obedient.   I'm focused so much on my wants, that I haven't thanked Him for supplying for all my needs. Thank you Lord for this body which I take for granted regularly. Thank you for nourishing me physically.  Spiritually, thank You for the lessons you continue to teach me. Lord, forgive me.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Pick

Beach
Pool
Lake

Honesty

My hearts hurts. Waiting is hard.  When we want what we want, and we feel like we're being denied. Having faith is hard. Having faith greater than my fear. I struggle. Finding joy in suffering.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Would you rather

Visit Europe or live in China
Eat curry or drink tea
Meet the Pope or your congressman
Word search or numbers
Play tennis or golf

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Pick

M&M cookie
Milkshake
Ice Cream

Forgiveness

Heard the song 'Forgiveness' by Matthew West, and all I could think was I need all of this. I need to love the unlovable, and I need that forgiveness to free me.   Thank you Lord for letting me hear that song.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Would you rather?

Eat chocolate or drink tequila
Call or text
Watch television or play football
Win or draw
Type or write

The dreaded p word

Contemplated how much to share, but my pain has me thinking. Thinking is not a good thing for me. My pain has me in a state of what ifs. What if I don't find the "One"?  What if I'm unlovable?  Should I continue.  This sounds like a pity party, I'm well aware. This brings me to yesterday. In a local dining establishment getting an ice cream cone when small chit chat would knock me off my high horse. There was a wise African American male who let me go in front of him to order or so I thought. It turns out he was just waiting for his food. We got into a conversation about patience. The dreaded p word.  He said we have a problem with it because its not being taught. I told him I didn't have a good relationship with it. I'm always trying to get out of the way. He said I was fine. The problem was that "God would give us all we need."  I said not all we want. "He said that God never said life would be a rosy bush, but we would be merciful to give you the desires of your hearts".  I started complaining about my weekend, and how people had wronged me.  He stopped me mid sentence. He said my problem wasn't people, but my faith. Talk about being humbled. I wanted to respond, but knew I couldn't. The truth stung.   As someone who writes about faith often, I got a lesson in action. My life has to be a demonstration in faith, active, living faith. I was never more in awe how God could use an ice cream cone, my own words and this man in serving something I don't think I'll forget.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Pain

This weekend saw some highs then some lows. Heartbreak is not fun. I don't know whether to share. It's a pain that leaves me feeling undesirable and lacking. I know I can't generalize, but it's hard. I can get pretty negative, so I will feel the pain, and go. Trusting God is hard, but necessary.

Pick

Chicken Sausage
Turkey Bacon
Steak

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Would you rather?

Give a hug or get one
Speak French or paraglide
Eat Chorizo or Cheese
Be a pop star or chef
Diamond or gemstone

Right

There is something that has got me thinking. That's not a good thing.  Why do we defend those who can defend themselves, but disregard the indefensible.  We are a divided people, period. I think we have a problem, one with no clear answer. As a person who writes this, I am responsible for my commentary in this space. I have to expect the good reaction, and the unsavory ones too. I chose it, by choosing to write this blog. There are some though who didn't ask for the slight that accompanies them. My problem is with those who as want the benefits of the limelight, but can't deal with the consequences. We have lost our nerve, our duty to do what's right even if it costs us. As the King and Country song says "Oh Lord Forgive Us".

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Pick

Chocolate
Cake
Brownie

Faithful surrender

Surrender. What a word so hard to do. Knowing that once you do,  You admit that you do not know what's best for you. No control. Just faith.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Would you rather

Have a smartphone or buy a new camera
Eat avocado or octopus
Beach or lake
Doughnut or Pretzel
Hope or Joy

Monday, June 5, 2017

Go

One of the hardest things I'm having to do is letting go.  Letting go of fear. Letting go and just being myself. I am a great person, now I just have to believe it. My faith in Him has to greater than than the fear inside me.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Birthday

Today is my Mom's birthday. Loves me unconditionally. I love you. Blessed.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Would you rather

Drink a Bloody Mary or eat grapefruit
Cut grass or Clean Bathrooms
Scuba dive or scale buildings
Watch scary movies or read a book
Use color pencils or markers

Fear then Trust

I am having to face fear in every form. It's not easy for every misconception, every hang up to be out there for every one to see. Why is so hard to let go, and when you do, you feel like you can breathe. I feel like I haven't breathed in years. When does the fear go away?  Or does it?  I don't know if I've ever fully trusted God. God is laughing. He is. Why is surrender then acceptance so hard?  I don't have answers, and maybe that's the point. Live. Just live

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Fear

Life can shock you, amaze you. God is laughing right now. I always have what ifs in my mind. It's fear. I've been ruled by fear for so long, I don't know freedom. I'm embracing the fear. That may be the only way I taste freedom. I haven't embraced fear, because I haven't wanted to accept its existence. I hide. I don't want you to see the pain. I've locked it all up for safe keeping. I want to control everything even when I don't have it.   I'm a prideful, private person. Here I try to let it go.

Pick

French fries
Hash browns 
Home fries

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Saved

Am I living a life that says I got saved as the title of Selah's song says?  I'm thinking.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Would you rather

Eat snails or calamari
Do a reality show or run a 5k
Cupping or oil pulling
Tracksuit or jumpsuit
French Open or PGA

Friday, May 26, 2017

Real

Today is not my best day. I'm a little sad, wondering if I did anything wrong, said the wrong thing. My heart is somewhere else. My head is too. I'm sorry.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Faith

My heart aches. I struggle to have faith in humanity. In goodness. We don't love. We don't care. I know there is good, but I question. I have to faith in God to give me peace.

Pick

Unexpected gift
Smile
Hug

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Pick

Sweet tea
Green tea
Chai tea

The truth hurts

The truth hurts why?  Because I'd rather be in denial. It's hard to admit that what we need, is most of the time what we want. Cerebral Palsy has taught me that I am like the tortoise. I hate to be slowed down. I want to appear as if nothing's wrong, but that's a lie. I can't live in a lie. I'm learning I don't have to cultivate perfect. I'm ok as I am. I'm not the mistake I thought God made. God can use me.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Would you rather

Ski the Alps or drive a Maserati
Drink beer or wine
Sing or Dance
facial or manicure
Wear heels or fishnets

Monday, May 22, 2017

Survey

I have some things on my mind.
I've joined it. I get it.  It's fun, but I get the fear of missing out already. I've got a serious question though. As a believer, I have this nagging question.  What bothers you about Christians?  Honestly, I want to know. As a follower of Christ, I could use suggestions on how we're perceived. I want to truly live a life that you know Christ resides here.

Pick

Dog
Cat
Rabbit

Sunday, May 21, 2017

would you rather?

Soak in a hot tub or ice bath
Wear jeans or leather pants
Eat pretzels or ice cream
Drink greens or tea
See Thailand or live in Montreal

Saturday, May 20, 2017

News

Joined the world of Instagram. Not very tech savvy, so I will attempt to learn.
Who should I follow? Are you on Instagram?

Friday, May 19, 2017

More truth

After writing my watershed post, I'm realizing some things. Not everyone will celebrate you. Not everyone will give you praise. You will realize that when you get real, you will make people uncomfortable. We all long for comfort, comfort is a recipe for stagnation. Cerebral Palsy allows me no physical comfort, but it allowed me mental comfort.  I'm coming clean. Life is no picnic. I'm learning that to follow God's call, I'm having to be as uncomfortable as the mounting callouses on my feet. I used to say I didn't wish CP on anyone. Maybe I had it wrong. Anybody want to take a walk in my shoes?  Get ready for a wild ride. Change requires a total loss of what you want. The only One who can give me what I want is God.  And that can be painful. My friend Allen always told me, you don't know how beautiful you are.  I miss you friend for showing me who Christ was and forever will be. You loved people as Jesus would. Sometimes we love people based on what they provide us. I can give Jesus not a thing He doesn't already have, yet He loves me anyway.

Would you rather

Sing the national anthem or public speaking
Eating snails or drink wine
Meghan Markle or Kate Middleton
Taj Mahal or Rialto Bridge
Miniskirt or Romper

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Would you rather

Eat pasta or pizza
Drink beer or La Croix
Climb Kilimanjaro or visit Disneyland
Win a Nobel or Academy Award
Run or jog

Pick

Beatles
Rolling Stones
Pink Floyd

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

would you rather

Eat ramen or drink sake
Visit Paris or live in Provence
Swim with sharks or run with the bulls
Truth or dare
Fight or flight

Pick

Chocolate chip
Oatmeal raisin
Macadamia nut

Monday, May 15, 2017

Beautiful confession

After my much lauded post thanks to God and my mom, she requested I write the post., I've decided to get honest.
I've always known my calling, it's not the one I wanted, so I decided to find another one.
You see it didn't work. God finally brought me to the place where denial would lead, and still my mom pleaded for the post. What I thought would cost me, has finally given me the courage to claim the calling I never wanted.  
I'm having to be the change.

Pick

China
Maldives
Thailand

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Sunday

After yesterday's post, I am going to do something God's put on my heart for years. I didn't want to be the Cerebral Palsy girl, but I will take, if that's what it takes to be treated with respect and dignity. I've been ashamed of myself, and of God for making me this way.  I realize I can't change it, so maybe embrace it?

Saturday, May 13, 2017

The unvarnished truth.

This is a post I really hoped I didn't have to write. You wanted to hear my take on Cerebral Palsy, and not censor my thoughts. I realize I may lose followers, but I must. I was born with a mild case of Cerebral Palsy. Mild in that if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know. Cerebral Palsy is an "brain disorder which affects movement and fine motor skills"as defined by reputable sources.  Doesn't seem bad, you'd think. Well to keep up the charade of looking normal is expensive as heck. Eight to ten surgeries, plus two more for a baclofen pump, not forgetting years of Botox injections in my legs, and nerve blocks in my shoulder blades, should I continue?  The years of physical and occupational therapy to learn to do so called things like brush your teeth.   Years of work in a therapist's chair to repair the damage of others' words and my OWN.   What you don't see are the bruises from falling, the countless hits to my pride as I ask for help to tighten my bra straps, among many other examples. Fighting for my right to an education, because, since you look normal, you should be able to meet our requirements without accommodation. I won't elaborate on how painful that experience was, because thinking on it, it still is. Why you ask, am I doing this?  A nice little health care bill passed the House that says, you don't matter. I have infantile Cerebral Palsy, one of those pre existing conditions.  My representative voted for it. Now, here it is folks, if you don't want the truth STOP READING.

This was a bill voted for by conservative Christians who ascribe to being pro life. The unborn is sacred, but if you're born with a medical issue, screw you. For God, who knit me in my mother's womb, and I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, Republicans said scratch that. When it says to give up all you earthly wealth, and follow me. Republicans say, nope, I don't subscribe. When God implores us to love the least of these, no, I don't need to apply that.   This tells me I better pray all unborn children are born with disease or defect. I am glad I found Christ before now, because even now as a Christian, I wonder if we read the same Bible. I have little regard for policing of either political stripe as I tired of being told, "I can't do any good if I'm not in office."  I'm tired of being told you're net worth is tied with your self worth.

I'm so tired of folks who use God to justify their actions. Maybe I  should've at least prayed to asked to  have born with a silver spoon if I had to born with this disorder according to this bill. I pray the Senate has better judgement.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, I like your Christ, I don't like your Christians. I'm paraphrasing.   Would those who love Christ, please show it.

Pick

The Amazing Race
Survivor
The Voice

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Burst

I went to the funeral for my dear friend, and I found hope. There was a quote that spoke to me. "God uses His best soldiers in the highlands of affliction. The dam burst, and my tears flowed. I don't know if I have to explain this, but God used one sentence to push me.

Pick

Oatmeal
Eggs
Avocado Toast

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Pick

Belle
Ariel
Elsa

RIP

I came home yesterday and decided to check Facebook.  I got a sad shock yesterday. A pastor who has given me so much love and support over the years passed away from a car accident. I am just can't believe he is no longer here. RIP sweet friend. I will never forget how well you loved Jesus and others.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Truth

I have been thinking lately, and much as I dislike doing this I must. I will have to talk about Cerebral Palsy, and how it affects me. Many people have no idea what CP, and in this political climate I feel I must. I don't want keep teaching, but if I don't educate people don't know. Look I really don't want to get into a political discussion. I won't change your mind, but I need to speak the truth I have.

Mondays

Children can make you feel old and young at the same. Had a great weekend with my niece and nephew.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Pick

Christina Aguilera
Britney Spears
Selena Gomez

My heart

Honestly, it took going on vacation to get me to enjoy life. I'm so focused on what could go wrong, why things I earnestly want haven't begun to appear, that I forgot to enjoy the now. I constantly live in what could be, and get upset when what I want doesn't happen when I want it to.   I actually took time to savor food, friendship and the world around me. I will have days where I go back to my thinking, but I want to enjoy the now.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Sunday

I got back from vacation and enjoyed it. I found a few things to be true.
My body is more resilient than I thought.
Vacation isn't vacation if I bring the same mindset with me.
I enjoyed more cookies than I care to count.
I'm changing.
And that's ok.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Friday, April 21, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Detox

Detox from negativity and ignorance. I used to think ignorance was bliss. How wrong was I?  Lead me Lord.

Pick

Fishing
Hiking
Shopping

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Getting personal

I am feeling scared. Scared of failure, messing up, getting it wrong, and waiting too long because I don't want to face the fear. I know I can't hide forever, but it's comfortable. Why must I crave comfort?  Lord, God I need You to let me face my fear.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Friday, April 14, 2017

Good Friday

It is Good Friday. And all I can wonder is if I've spread myself too thin. Doubt and worry have got come in. I'm thinking of all that could go wrong, and if it does it will be all my fault. But it's Good Friday keeps coming to mind. All this to say, in seven years of being a Christian, is that I have to remember what drew me to Him and what keeps me there.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Vulnerability

This is my heart. My heart wonders if I will find love. A man to love me, all of me. I realize I must love self first. If it doesn't happen can I still find acceptance and joy in Christ, the deliverer of my soul.
My heart wonders if I will see Paris.
My heart wonders if I can find the beauty in each day.

Pen pals

Are you a fan of pen pals?

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Pain and Peace

I'm learning each day. Learning lessons I wished I fully learned years ago.  Would it have saved me some pain. As I lower expectations of people, do I include myself?  Do I hold on to the promises of who God says I am versus what the world tells me?  An eye opener for sure. How does stay an idealist when seeing harsh realities that unsettle my being.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Perservere

I'm learning what it is to perservere once again. When I was younger I relished the challenge Cerebral  Palsy forced me to face. Now, not so much. I don't have the desire to fight the battle. Part of me now weighs do I pick that fight back up or lay it down.   Do I fight for justice, or just live, having faith that that alone is enough?

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Pick

Gummies
Sour worms
Hershey kisses

Tuesday

Flipped in my Bible.  I came to Proverbs 11:2. I got humbled quick. My heart and head have been filled with self-pity because I have had my heart on what I wanted, not what I have. Sometimes the only One who can humble you is God.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Friday, March 31, 2017

Pride

You will learn your pride has to go. I could write a lists to tell of my pride. CP makes you check yourself everyday, this I know. I'd rather do it myself than let go of my pride and ask for help. Not good folks. I hide my pain, my fear everything. I pay prices for my pride.   Pride, not CP will be my downfall. The pride has to go.

Pick

Miami
Chicago
DC

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Lessons you will learn being disabled

Acceptance can take a long time depending how stubborn you are.
You will learn to wait.
You will face reality whether you want to or not.
Blissful ignorance no longer applies
You will battle your faith more than you ever thought possible.
You will learn those who love you versus an afterthought.
You will be blunt.
You will still try to see the world as a good place.
You will try to not get down on yourself.
You will have to choose joy every day.
You will have to face your fears every day.
You will know rejection and pain.
But you will find joy to keep living.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Pick

Mustard
Ketchup
Mayonnaise

Acceptance

Having a rough few weeks. Accepting who you are while others can't.  Trying to conform to a set of norms. Having to rely on the One who never fails, and Trusting His timing is testing every bit of faith I have.
God, lead to a place where Your Grace is sufficient.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Dwell

Christ loves me. I am not what others think of me. I have to dwell on His Goodness.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Friday, March 17, 2017

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Pick

Corned beef
Cabbage
Soda bread

Blessings.

Worshipping with Jesus.
I am blessed with a family that loves me.
A warm, cozy home.
A pantry that is beyond full.
Dreams.
Being able to travel
Calloused feet that tell me I'm walking
Hope in Jesus. I hope You find Him too.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

What I want.

Living with Christ is hard
for I am selfish
I want what I want
With Christ
You live for others
Deny self
Our desire is not His
To love Christ
I must love other.

Pick

Anguilla
Greece
Sochi, Russia

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Suffering

I've read several blog posts discussing joy in suffering. I flatly said no, but I was thinking of happiness.  Happiness in suffering I haven't found. Joy, I will see. When I immerse myself in who He is, let myself worship, my heart can appreciate His Love and Sacrifice.  So I will honor His suffering by finding joy in mine.

Pick

Germany
France
India

Monday, March 13, 2017

i need You

Lord, I need you
For what I see
I do not like. 
When I see you
I must trust 
Even when the world 
Says not

Pick

Tim Tebow
Alex Rodriguez
Roger Federer

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Friday, March 10, 2017

Vulnerable

The vulnerability I feel right now is like an open wound that won't close.  Open to feel everything I once repressed. Wonder if what I want if not an option. Waiting on God is hard. Waiting is hard period. Trust is hard. Having faith is hard. Wonder if it's me. I'm trying to love self, and I wonder if it's me.

Pick

Shortbread
Pecan
Oatmeal

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Denial

I've been thinking which for me can be not good.  I once thought it was great that you couldn't see my disability.  I'm finding that thinking wrong. Denial has caused me more pain than I can say.   Truth is one hard cut, but denial is a festering sore. I have to forgive myself.  I realize I haven't. Writing this last sentence has me in tears thinking of what I've done to myself.   I can't undo the pain, but I can try not to repeat it. Right now, I have to let the anger go. Not all anger is bad, but this is right now.

Pick

Tulips
Roses
Daisy

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Pick

Monaco
Spain
France

Faith

Let me have faith. Faith that demonstrates belief. A belief that doesn't waver.  That needs no proof.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Grace

Finding you in that place. When I am face to face.  Knowing that my mistakes are not disgrace. I trust in the sovereignty of the One who took the blame. For life began when I called your Name. I come to You today seeking forgiveness for what I cannot change.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Cerebral Palsy

I'm realizing normal isn't possible. Peace, yes. I've dreaded dependency, giving it to negativity, but that may not be so. It takes strength, Grace and courage to admit you need help even when it bruises your ego.   I have an ego, and Cerebral Palsy breaks it.

Pick

Hermes
Chanel
Wal-Mart

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Cerebral Palsy

I didn't want to talk about Cerebral Palsy because I didn't want to deal with it. The pain, the agony, the shame over not having acceptance over what I have never been able to control. I didn't think people would love me because I couldn't love myself. I struggle with accepting love because I question its authenticity. I didn't want to accept the elephant in the room. As much as I said I did, I didn't. I wanted from people what I was unwilling to give myself. Truth, the one thing that doesn't lie. The scars one sees are not the bad ones. I want to trust, to love and let Truth guide me.

Shop

a sale
Vintage
Consignment

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Pick

Iced Tea
Mimosa
Martini

Free to find

The truth does set you free. It's painful. It's a bit of letting go. I haven't fully done so, and I feel ashamed. To admit you have trouble trusting Christ is embarrassing and shames me. I have fear.
Faith.  I'm seeking the Only One who completes me.
God Bless

Monday, February 27, 2017

Truth

Last week, I had a post discussing my grievances, and I got a response I didn't take well at all. Then I looked at it differently. The comment was probably meant for good. We can't interpret words, when we don't know the intent. I don't know how many of you are new readers, so I will give a reintroduction. I've avoided doing this because I realized I would open up the one wound I never really like to discuss. I'm ripping off the band-aid. I'm Regine. I'm 33. And I have Cerebral Palsy. I typed that without tears. I was told it doesn't get worse as I get older, with age though comes inconvenience. And most humans hate that word. Inconvenience brings a necessity of waiting, something I may be used to, but don't like much. You don't fix CP. The only thing you control is your mind's decision to redirect your thoughts, actions and reactions. And it requires those traits of which are lacking.   I say this in truthful acceptance. I have to make a choice to look at things in another way.
Thank you for reading, and giving feedback. It's the way we learn.

Love

Praying for Manda's family and friends. Praying for all who need them.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Afraid

I realize I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the unknown. Afraid of what I can't fix. I want to fix myself. Knowing I can't is something I have to accept. My problem with acceptance.

Friday

Having to have faith to live everyday, and keep positive.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

Thoughts

My heart is all over the place. Here are my thoughts.
I don't think I've ever prayed this much for God to lead me. I don't think to think I ever wanted acceptance so badly. And I've just lost my train of thought.
Blessings.

Faith

Having faith right now is hard.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Pick

Bread
Cheese
Wine

Waiting

My faith is having to stretch. Waiting is painful. I know He desires the best for me, but lately I think I know what's best, and I know that's not true. I'm tired of waiting, but know I must.

Monday, February 13, 2017