Thursday, July 20, 2017
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Just a heads up. Emotional post. This blog started as a way for me to get out of my own head. I had too much pain, enough anger and resentment that could last a lifetime that was a ticking time bomb. If you are disabled, a disclaimer should be issued. If you thought childhood was a rough time, wait until you get older, to face a world you're not prepared to meet. Great parents help, but they can't shield you from blunt force trauma to your psyche. There is good in the world, but you may meet wolves in sheeps clothing. Back then, I was an uber-idealist. The world was roses and coffee beans. I had blinders on. Those years hardened me, and frankly I haven't dredged them up until now. Until I finally decided to address this elephant. Cerebral Palsy, how, I have detested you. I hated you. Now I just deal with you. People now know of this space, and its success and now don't question my abilities as much. It's flattering, but I had to prove it. Maybe I didn't. God just said: Watch. God does for me more than I could ever dream to ask. I'm glad my best friend was persistent that day. I've heard it said, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called.
Monday, July 17, 2017
Thank you for all your well wishes following my hospital visit. Every time I think of things as routine, it is not. The anxiety of it all is not fun. There is something about a hospital that puts your ego in check, your nerves on alert. Nothing about a hospital to bring out all human emotions. There is nothing like it. I would describe the procedure, but it's almost too visceral. Maybe one day. Right now, it's too real. Thank you. When you have health, you have it all.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Monday, July 10, 2017
Sunday, July 9, 2017
I just read a blog comment that made the light bulb go off. "I'm handicapped, but my mind is clear" and folks what a blessing to be able to articulate my hopes, fears, dreams and aspirations. I've taken that for granted. I haven't taken proper stock. My value is not in a dollar bill, a principality or societal norm. Cerebral Palsy is allowing me the greatest gift. Not giving a darn. When you go under the knife more times than you can count, and consider having needles inserted into your abdomen as no big deal or routine, what others think of you is no big deal. My body is high maintenance, so what. I'm grateful for every doctor, everything. I'm learning what it is to love self without fear of reprisal. Thank you Sheri. "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" or take for granted.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
I was reading a blog post at Mix and Match Mama, and it got me thinking. Not a good thing. I have three other siblings. One older brother, and two sisters. We are triplets. I will preface this by saying this. They all are very successful. I am happy for their success, and I love them very much. All this to say, I've had to find myself apart from them. I've been compared to them and their success. I couldn't deal. I couldn't deal with being the only "defective" one. I could handle being asked what I would do with my life. I could help feeling like a "problem" child. I couldn't handle life. I couldn't handle my own questions. It's been said I "preach". Folks without God...I can't. It's just too painful. God is the reason I rise out of bed. The only thing worse than a battered body is a broken mind and soul. I can't explain it, and for the first time, I'm letting the tears fall. I have feared weakness so long. I am not my siblings. I can't duplicate their success. What is my contribution to society? That question has haunted my soul for years. I can't be a politician, as I once wanted. No deep pockets, too many skeletons and I'm not a good liar. Words hurt, and I've tried to erase them. I can't. The tongue destroys. Now I know the words used to hurt me, God uses to redeem me. I am scared and worried to publish this.