Faithful

Thinking again. God is so faithful to me, and I don't reciprocate.  Do I believe He can find me my mate?  I waver.  Maybe I'm tired of waiting. My life feels like a waiting game. I don't have enough gratitude or that dreaded p word. That is discussed in a prior post. I am a ball of uncertainty, when the only certainty is You.  You know every part of me, and that's scary. Refining is scary. Surrender. What you want. Are we ever fully surrendering?  Ripping the band-aid has been one of the most freeing experiences. I'm Regine, and I have Cerebral Palsy. Denial be darned. The dreaded d word. I could write a sermon on denial. I've spent years there. Freeing self seems so easy yet so hard.

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LA
DC
Miami

Adventures in online dating

This is a post I didn't really want to write. As a disabled woman who doesn't drive and lives in a rural area, dating can be difficult.  After much consideration I chose to embark in the world of online dating. It's been an education to say the least. I joined a reputable faith-based site or so I thought.  My emotions have run the gamut, my heart has gone through the gauntlet. I have been excited, angry and numb at some point during the journey. I have communicated with some men who the spark wasn't there, and we gradually moved on, but this scenario was few and far between. I have had far too many Mr. X's who just wanted action, and I didn't sign up for that.  Sorry, but this "cutie" doesn't like that.   I've had my body scrutinized like cows at the cattle sale in search of imperfections.   My face has been not pretty enough, and my hips, buttocks and thighs have been analyzed more thoroughly than I could have ever imagined. I've had two experiences in particular that have shaken me to my core. The first, C, and I had gotten to a point where we texting for hours each night, and sending daily emails. I thought he was promising in that my CP was a nonissue to him, and he liked me for me. One morning, C text me saying he would be visiting a location close enough for my parents to drive me to meet him. I was nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. My excitement would be short-lived.  The next morning, I text C "Good morning" per usual. He texts back saying I sent you an email. I excitedly check my email. My excitement soon turned to shock.   Nothing ever ends well when the first words are "Full Disclosure Regine".  In the span of 24 hours, I would learn I was just one of the women he was talking to, and that he had found the "One".  He enjoyed talking to me, but that's it. We would no longer meet.  Case of cold feet some friends have said. I don't know.  To add insult to injury, the day before I was a social media sleuth, I looked him up on Facebook, I would find out that who he claimed to be from his profile pic and Facebook didn't match. I looked him up, I don't why. Maybe intuition.
This next experience leaves me shaking my head seeking male input. I had B send a message on the dating site asking about the photos I had posted. I tried to answer them the best I could. His verdict:  My ample bosom pleased him, no doubt. The problem upon further inspection was that my lower half looked heavy. This was a major sticking point. He informed me that my heavy bottom half would impede his ability to perform in the bedroom. Blame the thigh gap. I'm still in shock.  Men, can you explain this to me.   After composing myself, I replied that it was a no-go for me and best of luck. I thought this was the end of the conversation, alas  it was not to be.   He then answered, saying "He was a practical man, who took his husbandly duties seriously, and the ability to please his wife intimately was paramount."  It's my fault you can't perform. I have a many thoughts on this, but none are good. During this exchange my look of incredulity grew, I was speechless, and still am.
After many other experiences with online dating, I need a break. I get carnal urges and desires, I do.  I have them to, but I am not one purely looking to satisfy an urge. I am more than my body weight. Online Dating was a good thing in that it taught me what I am looking for, versus what I'm not. I believe the right man is out there for me, I just haven't met.

Would you rather?

Speak English or sing in Spanish
Run a marathon or Sprints
Eat greens or drink wine
Hugs or kisses
Visit Japan or live in France

Getting honest.

Honesty is a hard thing to have with self. Learning lessons the hard way. Seems it's the only way I learn.

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Today Show
CBS This Morning
Good Morning America

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Grass
Hard
Clay