Monday, September 26, 2016

Fridge

What is in your fridge?

Pride problem

This girl has a problem with pride and it ain't pretty.  Asking for help is treachery.  Letting my guard down is something I've never really done.  I hate being vulnerable.  I'm so used to projecting an image of strength that letting you see my weakness is a non-negotiable.  Pride will kill you faster than weakness.  Weakness shows you're human, something I always felt was a cop-out.  Maybe that's why I hate doctors' offices.  They have to find my weakness so I can be strong.
Truth is a b, even if it does set you free.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Change

Cerebral Palsy will never leave me and that's a hard part to swallow.  I was just thinking this year has given me lots of change.  Surgery and weight loss have taken its toll.  Right now, I'm fragile.  I appear strong, because it's my default.  I can't admit that stretching right now is a high intensity workout for me.  Physically, I look good.  Mentally, feels like a shattered glass.  It's hit me in blogland, I am an open book, who has written about constipation.  What will they think if they met me.  Here goes the trifecta.  The previous post addresses those.  God help me.

Take a pick

I have been ruled by three things. Anxiety, Fear and the Unknown.  Anxiety, will I ever be good enough for anyone, anything, or the expectation of myself.  Fear, that whatever I become is enough.  The Unknown, because precisely the fact is I don't know.  The one thing about American ideal is that we seek the best unless you want to be pigeonholed.  That is scary.  Why does the truth hurt so damn bad?  The truth has no way to categorize, it has no shades of gray.  The truth is there just waiting for you, whenever you ready.  The lesser of two evils as I'm listening to CNN is the background is a lie.  Evil is evil.  Choices have ramifications, and inaction leads to a consequence much deeper, regret.  Regret and resentment lead to apathy.  Apathetic people lead to anarchy.  And frankly, history is repeating itself right now, and as much as we say we care.  We don't.  If we did, we wouldn't have candidates running to secure a title.  This election reminds me of a monarch versus a autocrat.  The coronation or divine right.  The election is much like me.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Live

After these posts, I'm learning that I'm feeling.  The spigot won't stop.  I don't know if I can go back now.  I worry what will they think?  I can't do it.  Years of suppression will overload the locks.  Should I let you see my brokenness?  Dreams are what keep me alive.  Maybe that's why I haven't been to Paris yet.  It's the one dream that keeps me going.  The City of Light unlocks my darkness.  In truth it's Jesus.  Without Him, I can't survive.  Every human disappoints, He does not.  I can't argue with a world I don't understand, and thusly doesn't get me.  Slowly, I come to grips, that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  I have to be okay with that.  I keep thinking back to that church in Assisi in which my soul sang, and for a moment my heart delighted pure joy.  There is something about an empty church with me and the crucifix and everything feels right.  I have suppressed everything thinking that's how you live.  It's how you survive.  Survival isn't for the fittest.  Anyone can survive? Will you live?
My life's goal is to live.
The 64,000 dollar question.
Will you live?

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Disabled

What will disability teach you?  It will teach you that you are viewed as a second-class citizen unless you the disabled person proves to the contrary.  The only privilege you have is the one to take shit, and thank such oppressors for said shit.  Have I faced inequality and felt the need to apologize for my CP?  Yes, and I have done so.  Then, I realized that wasn't in my job description.  If it sounds like I'm angry, I am.  I have to prove I'm disabled.  The burden of proof is on me.  For every good person,  I meet a bad apple that makes me question every faith in humanity I have.  I have to prove my self-worth, because for some it seems God doesn't determine that.  I can hear the commentary, you should be grateful you live in this country, because in others they institutionalize you.  Let me say this, I didn't feel I had a right to speak about this, because it feels like complaining to me, and the last thing I am is ungrateful.  What I am doing is honoring this nation by voicing my grievances because it gives me the right to do so.  Folks, I have just realized that I have to speak for myself or be discounted.  Thank you Donald Trump, for the kick in the ass.
Don't mock us.

Favorites

It's Fall.
Any favorites?