Thoughts

 Birthday celebrations part one

Family will show up when you least expect it, and the initial shock will be replaced with a gratitude that can’t be explained. Love will be shown in actions that can’t be measured. And in that moment your perspective and perception shift on a dime. I’ve never been more thankful to be pleasantly surprised. 

I have mixed feelings on forty.  It’s a mix of anxiety and excitement. I’m still gathering my thoughts. 

A few nights in a hotel bed with air conditioning, a hot shower and HBO is glorious. 

Love

 Grateful

I am Yours

Any time of day

Every day

Love yourself and one another

Forty observations.

 I don’t know what number I left off on, but I was stuck on how to continue. It was suggested I share some small things that make the list too. 

Here we go. 

Eating cold fish at 9pm listening to Bamboleo by the Gipsy Kings brings back memories that are bittersweet. 

Shopping for self with just a pleasure to try on clothes I wouldn’t normally choose. They didn’t work, but enjoyed playing fashion model for a moment. 

Being challenged in a workout, where I thought they were trying to make me insane felt good. Each session I realize doing hard things is where I thrive even when it is the bane of my existence. 

As you get older, you thank God for living in America for creature comforts. Air conditioning and plumbing. 

When I complain about aching limbs, I remember to be grateful to not be missing any. 

Love one another and yourself. 

Girl

 Girl

The crown

You wear

Is a purchase

You can’t repay

But will

Treasure forever

Forty observations continued

 9.  After a tearful therapy session yesterday, I have some things to think on. I’ve had unrealistic expectations of self. I can’t meet them. It does make me less of a person. It makes me a real one. A person who needs to let some fears go. I can’t expect perfection, even if I know it doesn’t exist. 

10. I’m brutally honest with self and not others. That needs to change. I’m downright disrespectful to self. How can I demand love from others when I treat myself like pond scum. Kindness is to be directed at the women whose sad countenance I too often see in the mirror. 

11. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I often focus on what I’ve not done, that I don’t take the time to acknowledge my achievements. I am proud that I show up here every day, and leave it all here for the world to see. I a beautiful yet flawed being on a journey to acceptance from self whether or not I ever receive it from the world. 

12. I defy expectations every day. It’s time I take time to appreciate how far I’ve come. Let me say intellectually and medically, I wasn’t supposed to graduate college or by thirty I’d be in a wheelchair. At almost forty, I use a cane, but I walk. The college degree is framed on the wall. I look at it every so often. I’ve walked across Italy and Canada. I’m seeing a world many like me don’t have access to it. I’m grateful. Blessed is not a strong enough word for the access I’ve had, that is denied to so many. 

13. Life may not be fair, but it can still be good. It’s been better than I could explain. I have a lot of issues, but if I were to make a pros and cons list, the pros would take it in a landslide. Find the good. Actively seek it. Please. Take it from me, your mental health may depend on it. I wish I were kidding. 

Forty

 Forty observations

5.  I can be upset, but my anger mustn’t fester. I don’t have the luxury of anger. It only triggers my anxiety and depression. Those two things may not leave anytime soon. I need to learn to cope. I’ve not coped with my past or present. I’ve been reminded of it this week. 

6.  When I can’t internalize God’s words, I turn on gospel music. The African-American church loved me in a way I can’t explain. Much like churches in foreign nations have brought me peace. I immerse myself in a culture that loves me without expectation. 

7. The world may be cruel, but I must not repay with cruelty. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I’m learning this very deliberately. If I repaid all the misdeeds of others with meanness, it wouldn’t cease. My lineage is an eye for an eye, but my Savior demands the opposite. 

8.  As long as I’m able to live I’ve been given the directive to love as He has loved me. That is a goal to actively seek. I am hopeful to be up to the task, and willing of the call. Love yourself and one another

Forty

 Forty observations

1.  Cerebral Palsy:  You’re with me indefinitely. This I know. Making peace with you is acceptance

2.  Writing:  You are the vehicle for which my soul finds refuge

3.  Lord:  The deity who makes life a worthwhile pursuit

4.  Blogging: The apparatus to self-discovery

A milestone birthday is coming up. I will try to share forty observations. I don’t how many I have. I will say I’m not usually sentimental about birthdays, but life is precious. And I’m grateful for mine. Add some observations for mine. I can always learn so give me your best thoughts. 

You too

 To live 

loved and appreciated 

Is a gift

I don’t know 

If many can fully 

Comprehend 

Disability 

Has given me

Access

To the

Life lessons 

Most humans

May never 

Understand 

I see the world 

For what it is

Yet hold out

Hope 

For miracles 

That my thoughts 

Be disproven

With confident conviction 

I’m showing you 

My battles 

The physical 

Ankles and knees

And the emotional scars 

I shamefully hid

The depression 

And anxiety 

That almost 

Sunk my ship 

If I’m honest

I’m always going 

To need therapy 

Of some sort 

And I accept 

That fact

With pride

I want to live 

A life

That says

God made

It happen here

And He wants

To do 

The same 

For you 

Refined

 Refined by fire

Molded and shaped

Into a creation

I can be proud of

What a thought

What I’ve despised

Is now something

I desire so much

I can’t live without

God,

Why I’ve fought Your instruction and counsel I will never understand. You’ve brought me to my knees literally. And now I truly see what I’ve been missing doing it my way.   Oh Lord, I’m so sorry. You’re taking a bum knee to rehab what really needs mending. 

My heart is undergoing a revival. I doubted you could do. Well Lord, here i am to say:  it feels good to surrender my will for Yours. 

PT chronicles

 PT chronicles

Let me says rehabbing a knee is agonizing. Yesterday in the span of forty five minutes I wanted to lace expletives, clench teeth and collapse in my own sweat. I had to be reminded to breathe and rest. The burn didn’t feel too good. My physical therapist took a look at my face, and couldn’t help but chuckle. She knew I could do hard things. I’m realizing that as well. I feel like a rubber band this morning. I see that I need challenges. I don’t rise without it. If I’m bored, I get complacent. Sounds like my spiritual life. God is using PT to fully trust and seek Him. I’m realizing that my body is weaker than I’d like to admit. I realize that the therapists see that I need the time under tension, the duress to feel a sense of accomplishment. I need to see results even if they’re not measurable. I don’t know if I could measure my spirit, but with His name on my lips, it is enough. 

Love one another and self

Lord

 Lord,

It’s me. I’m here at your throne because when I feel I’ve reached self-sufficiency, You remind me that’s not the case. My need for help is evident. Honestly, I detest that fact. It’s no secret. I’ve not hidden my displeasure from view. It’s a matter of public record. Almost eleven years of blogging is here to be a visual time stamp. In eleven years, it’s the one thing that I’ve not gotten over. I despise asking for help. Asking for help is anxiety inducing. It’s a trigger point for me. In physical therapy, they’ve found that most of my upper left leg is central for trigger points. The tone there is immense. I don’t know how to explain tone with regards to Cerebral Palsy. Google was no help either. This is all to say mentally and physically I’m addressing what I swore I’d never do. Never say never. The truest words I’ve ever written. What I’m saying is that you will come to a point where the trigger becomes too big to ignore. Address it before it becomes the albatross. I learn everything the hard way. I complicate simplicity, and make simplicity look like scaling Everest. I accept this truth, until it no longer mirrors my reality. 

Love one another and self. 

Today

 I get in 

A mess

When

I internalize

Tomorrow’s problem

In today

God guard

My temper

I about lost

My marbles

This morning

Today’s thought

 Let me tell you:  Therapy is where it’s at right now. I was telling her I felt all I could offer people was prayer. True prayer. And she told me that was more than enough. I can’t offer you money or much else, but I can offer my heart through intercession. Let me tell you: She was right. When you offer your heart, you give people the best gift. Disability has never rid me of one my worst fears. A burden who takes more than she gives. God has shown up for me again to prove how right she was. I’m so glad to be proven wrong once again. God says told you so once again. I’m gladly conceding the loss

If my life’s mission

Is to love 

Through prayer

Than that’s

A job title

I shall assume

On that note I have a prayer request. I will not divulge their name, but a devastating diagnosis has led this person to seek Him to cope.  Please pray as you see fit. God bless you all. 

Questions

 Favorite song on repeat?

Favorite book?

Favorite salad?

Age

 The burn

Feels so good

Never thought

I’d say hard work

In the form

Of muscle

Would make

Me deliriously happy

As if 

I’d won

The lottery

The joys

Change

As we are

Privileged to age

It’s me Lord

 As I was working out this morning my trainer said something time under tension. The point to the strengthening exercises is to hold each moment with precision. That means slow and steady. I keep going back to those two words. I’m to revel in the burn, the duress. I’m to see the motive to the mission. I was reading back on old posts, and I had to see how every no had a purpose. These no’s were a gain for me. I lost nothing. In this time of a no that stung, my writing increased. As I look back it was some of my best work. I was honest to a fault, freely letting my thoughts fly. Writing has been my sounding board. The venue for which my soul rested in truth. My truth has been formed by a reality I never desired. As I exercise each day, I’m reminded of some facts

I was bought with a price

My scars

He carries them all

With an endurance

To weather

Impossibilities

Mere mortals

Are not equipped

To handle

Within

 Clearing the head

The mind

Fo find

The focus

To thrive 

In life

Strengthening

Of the body

Is done

For the day

Now my mind

Is on 

The clock

In and out

I breathe

Repeat

And affirm

My worth

For my own validation

What a thought

It all starts

From within

Cards

 I’ve been pushing the pedals, pushing the limits of what my body can do. It’s exhausting yet a form of sweet torture I crave. My home will soon resemble a gym with as many implements to keep my body from deterioration. Disability is speeding up the process.  It’s a fact I can no longer deny. What I am not denying is that my body needs all the help it can get. I can no longer treat my body poorly. My mind either. They’re intertwined. Inextricably linked. 

Disability

Requires

A character

That thrives

Under fire

And occasional discomfort

Molded by trial

And tribulation

An unwavering determination

To never surrender

To circumstances

Not under my control

Play the cards

Then pray

Washing machine

 Washing my sheets on this rainy Monday morning has me drawing some parallels with life. The rain may dampen my mood, but it necessary to rid all the impurities and toxins of life. The rain wipes the slate for new thoughts to take hold. My thoughts need a daily cleanse. If anyone were to go through the scramble of my thoughts, they’d be shocked. The amount of worry and anxiety that roams around my brain is one I can’t quantify. My thoughts are like my sheets. They’re not privy to the cleansing, they just know it’s happening. Maybe that’s all that needs to be known. The answer is not as vital as the process to the outcome. Life is much like that sentiment. The destination is not as important as the journey to arrive there. This is all to say that maybe I should take a spin in the proverbial washing machine.

Blessings my friends. Love oneself and one another. 

Regine

Coffee

 Each week

I step into

My local coffee shop

And get lost

In the mystery

Of coffee beans

Pastries

And chit chat

I love to watch people

And observe their orders

To see

If I can gather

What their personality traits

Might be

What’s your order, and what does it say about you?

Courageous

 Yesterday I was looking back over old posts. Some thoughts came to me. Disability never leaves you as much as you wish it would. It’s the leech that won’t let you be. I went through the last two years, and I can say this with certainty:  Therapy is essential.  Learning to cope is a daily battle. A battle I’m learning to fight with love not abject hate. I didn’t not like looking back because it reminds me that so much work is left to do. I’m then prodded to remember that work is not bad or an indictment of failure. Work means I spend time with myself understanding the progress is a process. A process in understanding. An understanding that brutal honesty is not always the best policy. Kindness towards self should be my focus. How can I expect kindness from others when I’m unwilling to give it to myself. Mind and body must undergo routine examination to maximize optimal utilization. 

Grant me courage

To love oneself

Enough

To answer questions

I’ve always avoided

Ruby

 In your heart

I find mine

Beating wildly

For the first time 

In you

Peace is available 

What a gift 

To behold 

And treasure 

Like the red ruby

With pink undertones 

Embrace

 Lord,

Slow and steady 

Is not a bad thing

It is a process

For everything

In life

And I’m late

To the party

No more

I’m taking

Your pace

And making it

My own

Look

 White

Adirondack chair

My place

For a few hours 

As I bask

In doing 

Absolutely nothing 

Except

Staring out

At nature’s beauty 

With an awareness 

That to find oneself 

I must immerse myself

In natural wonders

May I never 

Lose sight

That splendor 

Is anywhere 

I’m willing 

To look

Thinking

 Lord

Regine 

Is here

Requesting

Your Presence

As if 

You’ve ever left

My frustration

Is at the brim

I’m tamping 

It down

Because anger

Does nothing

To resolve

What causes 

My issue

July day

 As I stare out

At the majestic mountains 

I’m an infinitesimal being

In a world

Too amazing 

For my mind

To comprehend 

And yet

I’m always humbled

By the reminder

That I’m not 

Alone in 

My anguish 

Or suffering 

It’s a part

Of the plan

The divine purpose 

Of why I live

In spite

Of my own 

Protestations 

Place

 The broken vessel 

Is what 

I am

Right now

I’m in pieces

Like a puzzle 

Waiting to see

Where I fit

And it’s 

The place

I’m meant 

To be

At in this moment

The journey

To wholeness 

Continues

Mirror

 When you want 

Change

From others

I’ve found 

I must look

In the mirror 

Love it

 Breathe in

And let the

Song lull

You in

A peaceful slumber