This is not my typical post. I have a follow up to see how I’m adjusting to the “liquid gold”. I was thinking. The doctors who care for people like me have a heart. Caring for me is not profitable. It’s a calling. A calling I’m grateful for. In my medical journey, God has always provided. It leaves me in tears. As much as I doubt, I know He is there. I just get frustrated with how He works. I want things, and He says not yet.
God uses me
Even when
I wonder why
This is my gratefulness
That I’m deemed worthy
to be loved
In spite
Of myself
You want my heart
No hiding
No cowering
Just truth
Pure and honest
No lies
Or deception
You want me
As I am
Not some
Phony fake
You already
Have redeemed
My soul
And yet
I can’t forgive myself
For being human
I’m trusting
That You will
Make wholeness
Contentment and peace
Become real
Not a wish
Upon the star
The one
I’ve been
Longingly staring
At every day
Lord,
I come to you today because I need help that can only come from you. I would love to rejoice with others, as I wait for what you have for me. The fact is I’m not. I’m ashamed of it. I’m not surprised you are using something I never thought I’d admit to strengthen me. You knew I’d admit my sin eventually. You’re not surprised by my sin. You knew where I would struggle. You use sin. You use shame. You use it all to make me the child that lacks nothing. I don’t know what I’m to learn from this, but I trust You know.
Lord
Do what you do
Even if I’m clueless
As to
What that is
Whipping around
Like the wind
On a carousel
The horse
Your tool
To girlish glee
Where childhood
Is celebrated
And worry
Needn’t enter
The conversation
Out my window
The birds
Are soaring
Riding the wings
Of their creator
And having a ball
As the star
Of the show
It’s a good day
Because I’m here
To praise
You
Your
Omnipotent Magnificent
Give your children
The will to do right
Even when our flesh
Demands otherwise
Love others well
Even if
Your not loved well
Your reward
Comes from God
Not human hands
As I listened
To the rain fall
I became calm
Almost meditative
Because even
As I was literally dry
The feeling was
The exact opposite
A waterfall of emotions
Cascading down
My spine
Forcing me
To be still
Even when wet
And shivering
From the cold downpour
Spring forth
My soul
And reclaim
Your freedom
In Christ
Jesus
Favorite meal you cooked this week?
Favorite purchase this week?
What book have you read?
What’s the weather like where you are?
What are your plans for the weekend?
Red haired siren
A beautiful smile
That makes mere man
Stand still
And a heart
That lets
You know
God is
Within her
Plucking
The petals
Twisting
Them round
The thumbs
Wishing
In this sensuous moment
That my mind
Is only
On the moment
In front of me
The scent of sweetness
Is in a pink hydrangea
That screams
Nantucket Sound
I’ve always thought God why do you allow me to weather pain. Some say I do it well. Some don’t agree. I wonder if I should take a poll. I happen to come up on an Instagram story that tries to explain what pain does. He said “Pain prepares you for your purpose”. Since birth God has prepared me for my purpose. I’m no longer denying what I know. I still experience pain, because my purpose needs tweaking. True time under tension as my exercise app says. No tension. No refinement. No reflection. I don’t wish you pain, but if brings about your purpose, bear it.
Lord,
You work in the most random of moments. Then I think they’re not random to you. Trying to figure you out is like solving the most complex puzzle. You’re a riddle I can’t figure. All I know is that I know what I thought was waiting, is learning. Learning that my will, will not get me to my goals faster. I’m so focused on achieving the dream, that I’m not enjoying the process. With you, EVERYTHING is a process. I want results quick. You work like weight loss. Slowly. You tell me to ‘be still and know.’ I don’t know which part grates me more: stillness or knowing. I will get back to you.
Until the next musing.
Regine
Half asleep
Eyes almost open
Expectant to see
If the clouds
That surround me
Will clear
I as chase
Fleeting moments
Of quiet calm
Leading to
Lasting happiness
At times tonight
God is refocusing
My heart
On what matters
My accomplishments
Mean nothing
In the end
Was I a human
Who loved
Gave it
Freely
Without motives
That aren’t pure
With no goodness
Behind them
Thirteen and toasty here
Favorite hot beverage
Favorite blanket
Favorite puzzle
Favorite book
Favorite cold day activity
Barefoot in the blades
The green
Tickles toes
And I relish
The sensation
Of sunshine
Warming extremities
As I recall days
Of beach days
The scents of
Panama Jack
And lemon juice
Being my hair’s
Natural highlighter
Followed by a shower
Aloe coating skin
And olive oil
As my conditioner
These days
I take a whiff
Of sunscreen
To see
If it brings
Me back
To a time
I wish
I had savored
I was stretching this morning, and something was said that has me thinking. “The source of discomfort is not getting rid of tension”. I haven’t related to a statement so viscerally in quite awhile. The tension I feel is now more mental than physical. God is using tension to break me. Break me from feeling I’m not enough. That to be admired, I must be known. Break me from jealousy of being normal. Break me from what I want. I feel like I’m being told that what I want would crush me in the worst way. God is protecting me from myself. What a concept. It all comes down to peace. What kind of peace, I don’t know. I’m in an I don’t know state.
Grace me with the discernment to learn to let go, or just let God be God.
Thank you so much.
Prayer requests
For my friend CC who has had a rough couple of weeks.
For me not to compare myself to others
For the joy of the Lord to be mine
Praises
For Barb’s MRI results that were much better than expected, and that it continues.
For a warm home
For the delicious oranges I ate this morning
Your turn?
In the bitter chill
My focus
Is singular
The brain
Needs
To maintain warmth
Yet my cold breath
Reinforces
The need
For clarifying
The mission
In which
I’m the
Only one
Who makes
It occur
Under the guidance
Of the Highest
And most glorious
In the land
Of milk and honey
Is abundance
Because
She faces tribulation
But never falters
Because of the
Sustainer of her being
Lord
I am she
Remain in me
As I abide
In thee
Rise up
Unleash the heart
Love
Heal
And find
The reason
You live
Seek peace
Within
To free
The You
That is encased
In bubble wrap
Waiting to pop
And scream
While trying to let
The most exuberant
Exhale
Release
From the seams
Making the grassy knoll
My catwalk
Owning the blessings
And enjoying
The steps
That lead
My feet
To bliss
Courage
To be enamored
By my own backyard
Dreams make
My world spin
But my reality
Provides the smile
That is not etched
By false hope
Love fearlessly
Laugh hard
And find humor
Even when sadness
May be in your mirror
Sparking my joy
Snail mail
Unexpected gifts
Your prayers
My joy is found
In You
And He uses
All of you
To fulfill
His purpose
In bringing joy
To this heart
Of mine
Grateful
Believing it
Until I receive it
I didn’t realize
When I come here
I have my own
Personal cheerleaders
Lord, let me
Be thankful
Eleven years ago
I felt unlovable
In search of something
Someone to root me on
Help me find joy
Worth and validation
Each day
You say hi
You give me
Your heart
You serve me
In the best way
You are Christ’s
Hands and feet
Whether you believe
Or not
Thank you
The world
Knows not
My name
But you do
And it is
Enough
Eleven years
Over one million
Who knew
My mission field
Would simply
Involve faithfulness
To tap the key
Lord
You’re opening up
Pandora’s box
Mine
It’s petrifying
But coming undone
Is the best medicine
For this heart
I don’t want
You to see
Vulnerability
But God
Is demanding
That I shed
The shield
The coping mechanism
That is now
Becoming the albatross
Inhibiting my ability
To fully serve
The kingdom
Of kindness
This kingdom
Does not serve
Kings and queens
But ordinary sorts
Royally elevated
In a new capacity
Jesus
The Godhead
Show me
Who reigns
When my desire
Trumps
Sanity
Jesus
Make me willing
Receptive
To the call
That is mine
Alone to fulfill
Arm me
Equip me
To fight
What needs
Battle
And relinquish
What doesn’t
Serve
Your servant
Life in abnormality
Is what I’ve known
But You are
What I aim
To make
My priority
Lord
You don’t seek
My name
In lights
On a marquee
You have me
Right where
I’m meant to be
Behind these keys
Praising Your name
The only name
That prevails
Against every obstacle
I thrive in the currents
Difficulty is common
To me
It’s all I’ve known
And will continue as such
If He wills it
God is the master
And I’m just lucky
To be called servant
The world knows not
What you call me
Unless you make
It be to just so
Praying
To feel better
And be patient
As I recover
Time
The great healer
If I wait
Without complaint
Settling into
The new year
Finding joy
In the small
Ordinary pleasures
That are the greatest
Sources of joy
I’m learning
Idols
And
Thoughts
So hard
To break
But
It needs
To be done
More than
I can say
New day
New year
New blessings
One of the best things to come out of the last year has been friendship. One of these new friends text me at five in the morning to text me that they were praying for me. I won’t go into the rest of the message, but for all the anger, sorrow and sadness in the world; this message started my New Year off right. I may not have as much as I’d like, or how I’d like it, but God. God is teaching me to find the joy, savor it, and treasure the simple notion that you are important enough to be in someone’s heart and mind.
This friend knows who they are, but what their friendship means is priceless.
Find people
Who love
The real you
Who see
That you need
No modification
