Friday, December 30, 2016

2017

I hadn't realized the year was coming to a close till this morning.  Two thousand sixteen, how do I commemorate you?  Surgery, weight loss and more.  The year of so many emotions.  A year where I sought logic, a reason.  I couldn't find it, and I resolved to stop seeking it.  I am realizing God is constant when everything else defies everything I've learned.  And so, I go to the Father whose lessons don't leave me with a bad taste.  His lessons are out of love.  In 2017,  love myself as He does.

Pick

Hong Kong
Beijing
Hanoi

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Pick

laduree
Sugarfina
Pretzel

Waiting

Have a hard time waiting. It's all I seem to do. I'm tired. Exhausted. Letting go is not easy. I'm stopping tears from falling. Its almost a new year and I'm looking in the wrong direction. God, oh Lord take my burden.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Favorite

Favorite Christmas song?
Jingle Bells
Mary, Did you know?
Oh Holy Night.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Pick

St. Barts
Paris
Quebec

Thoughts

How do we show Jesus to others?  Do we resemble Christ?  Is the living Christ living in His child?  Me.  Feeding my soul is so important.  I need an injection of Him.  Learning to love self and others well is a task I'm learning.  I'm learning that I'm comfortable letting the tears flow in church.  There is something about church that brings peace.  No matter, the only thing that brings peace is Jesus.  Finding positive is hard sometimes, but I need to find it.
Thank you, Lord

Friday, December 16, 2016

Pick

Vienna or Salzburg
Prague or Kraków
Paris or the Loire
The Rhine or the Danube
Budapest or Bucharest

Fun on Friday

cookie or candy cane
Conde Nast or Travel+Leisure
Jeans or leggings
Heels or wedges
Flats or espadrilles

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Pick

Morocco or Egypt
Seychelles or Mauritius
Kenya or Botswana
South Africa or Namibia
Burkina Faso or Uganda

Favorite

Favorite clothes?

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Picks

Turks&Caicos
Bahamas
Barbados
Mustique
St.Barts

Take your pick

How real do we want to be?

 Sometimes I'm afraid to be honest. I'm afraid to be real. I'm afraid to say what I feel. I try to decide if's worth it. Do you want real or not?  I say I want real, then can't deal. I'm one flawed human.  Is civility dead?  I am trying to be quasi real?  Real is reserved for few.

Shoes

Favorite pair of shoes?

Friday, December 9, 2016

Thoughts

To be filled with utter disgust and anger and write may not be a great combo, but here it goes.  Am I disgusted by what I see and hear.  Yes.  My anger doesn't give me a right to be bitter.  If I prayed for everyone that caused me discontent, that would be doing something.  If I let God do what He does, maybe my anger would dissipate.  Maybe if I didn't think that giving it to God was giving up, I wouldn't be so despondent.  I've often thought if I stopped giving a darn, but it's not who I am.  Today, I want God to do His Job, I'm not.  I will pray for changed hearts, knowing I can't, but He can.

Friday fun

Christmas tree or pine cone
White or red
Smile or grin
InStyle or Town&Country
Ski or snowboard

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Some Qs

loud or quiet
Feisty or goofy
Chatty or meek

Retrain

I don't understand the world.  I feel like we are losing our soul.  I'm greedy.  I feel like a part of me is just crying out in a frustration that is explained, not fixed.  Our values are different and that makes me mad, but more profoundly sad.  Not all is bad, but the bad seems to outnumber the good, or my perception is skewed.  My brain needs retraining.  I must find the good, even if it is harder.  My self can operate in this negative manner.

Christmas

Starting new Christmas traditions?

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

thoughts

I have been in a funk.  Acceptance of the election, sickness, indifference. PITY, all of it has me lost.  Just writing this leaves me shamed, stupid and ungrateful.  I love Jesus, but Christmas no.  I hate this at Christmas.  I don't want you to see this.  If I could be in denial of this, I would.  Facebook is a depressant, I can no longer take.  Writing this post angers me.  I have so much respect for Jesus for loving a world that wouldn't give love back.

Splurge or save

gifts
Games
Gadgets

Favorite

Favorite Christmas decorations?

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Splurge or save

Candy
Shoes
Bags

Obedient

Some days you just put away your pout and thank God for His Goodness.  I'm going to look at the glass half full.  I'd like to understand, but if that's not good, then ok.  I need God approval.  I need to be worthy of the job.  Mired in the grind isn't.  I need to know better. I need to be obedient.

Favorite

Christmas treat

Monday, December 5, 2016

Christ

There is so much I can't begin to get.  Testing every part of me.  It's in these times that only God will do.  I'm having to stretch.  Faith doesn't explain, it simply is there to let me know that I don't have to get anything.  Do I have fear?  Yes.  To lie and say no doesn't cut it.  Can my faith trump my fear?  Can the certainty of God heal all uncertainty?  Christmas.  I want Christ back.  Rule in my heart.  Take the weight of my mind.  I'm inviting you in.  I don't do anything well without You.

Reading list

Cupcakes and Cashmere
Mix andMatch Family
Couture Carrie

Add yours?

Friday, December 2, 2016

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Museums

Best museums?

Discern

Discernment.  It's something I struggle with.  I wonder what to say or if to say at all.  I have a battle with words:  choosing them.  Is the truth necessary?  No matter how much I try I'm not hard-wired to hate.  I'm not hard-wired for any of it.
And right now I'm without a word.

Favorite

Movie
Dress
Shoe

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Where

No matter where I go, God is there.  He uses anything or anyone for His purposes.  I've been desensitized since the election, and for the first time I looked at the world and saw.  And I did see.  The homeless man, a lady who greeted me with a smile, and the privilege to eat a warm breakfast and not worry about the tab.  This is enough to be grateful.    And I haven't been.  I have taken the ordinary for granted.  My thoughts are skewed.  We all want to be Donald Trumps' and not enough of you.  The boy who would become my Messiah is my example.  When I look at myself, I hope you can see Him.  If not, change is my answer.  I have to trust that God is here with me, He's everywhere. My faith is lacking, my hope depleted because I've put in a source that depletes.  Man.  In all my attempts at perfection, I have failed.  When will I listen?  God tells me to be still and know that I am God, but I can't even do that.  Stillness.  We live in a world that values busyness, and work.  I've complicated stillness.  I color to keep mentally still and yet physically active.  I've equated stillness with boredom or antiquation, or both.  The fact that we can grasp a Punnett Square yet can't master stillness tells us what we treasure.  Knowledge is great, but what I need is not more computation.  What are you worth?  Are you worth another man's life?  Jesus thought so.  He needs to matter, and we have to care.  Does the homeless man matter less to Jesus?  Do I, a handicapped one matter less to Jesus? No!  And I need to say it everyday.  And i don't just need to love you in holiday times.  No.  Christ isn't only in Christmas.  He's in everything.  And, I need to remember that.  Jesus, I owe you an apology, maybe a thousand.  Forgive me for I have fallen short of everything you'd like of me.  I don't deserve you.  But You give me a merciful reprieve over and over again.  I have not loved you well.  I have not loved Your children well.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Thoughts

Fidel Castro is dead.  All i can think about is I hope he made peace with Jesus.  I will not celebrate his death or life.  God bless us all.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Friday fun

Joy or love
Faith or mercy
Leonardo or Rafael
Sweet or sticky
Rice or beans

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Grateful Grace

I am grateful for a best friend who loves when I won't, who makes see what my negativity does to me, doesn't complain when I moan for hours and reminds me I am worthy of love. To see a person you don't want to know is a reminder that brokenness can be fixed if we stop to let God do a Job not meant for us. God blessed me with a friend who gives me what I'm unwilling to give myself:  Grace. It's embarrassing to admit that she has a faith in me, I don't have in myself.  Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy fun, fellowship and food.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

hope

Church is good for the soul.  I'm thankful.  I get trapped in what I want, not what I have or need.  To be loved is everything.  And to know you're love is having no words.  I hope you know you're loved.
I love you.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Christmas List

What I'd like for Christmas:

Christmas cards
Peace on Earth
A kindness movement
The love of Jesus to surround me
Paris

Friday, November 18, 2016

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Give it

I'm blessed.  When you take your blindfold off, and see all you have, it's hard to complain.  These weeks teach you some truths, perceived or otherwise.  America has a kindness deficit.  Compassion what's that?  Yes, I can see the generalization, and I know there is some good, but.  There is a but.  In a land of plenty it's sad that some have so little.  If I could encourage you today, find one blessing, and then pass it on.  I may not meet you, but I love you.  God does too.  Wishing the love of Christ on us all today.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

thoughts

in this season I will focus on all that is good in the world.  I'll start with me.  I thought I had to be political to make a difference.  Politics and policy don't make the world go round.  Politics makes me a person I recognize, but wish otherwise.  I wish people weren't like me.  That is wrong.  Maybe if there were more like me:  physically broken, mentally spent we would treat others better.  Maybe instead of hiding pain, I should show it.  Let you see the human in me, not some stoic being.  Maybe I've been doing you and me a great disservice.  I don't want to see the label R or D, I want to see your heart.

Thanksgiving

Favorite Thanksgiving food?

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Light

In being the light in the dark world, here are my thoughts.
Words hurt.  The tongue can be vicious.  Mine too.  If I speak, speak love.  If I listen, really listen.  We don't listen.  I don't listen.  If you see, see the good.  God is in the convicting business.  If I hear, hear all.  God knows all.  I lean on Him, not the world.  When you pray, pray deeply.  I'm going back to living water.  Love His people well.(We're all His people.)

Food

Favorite food?

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Fighting fear with love

After all of this election news, i have to fight the fear with love.  Love takes breaking the walls that have guarded my heart.  It takes faith to love.  It takes being kind to love.  It takes being quiet.  It takes being still.  We are not conditioned or content when still.  Love takes vulnerability and patience, things I don't want.  Jesus Christ, help me love others as you love me.
God be with this world.

Friday, November 11, 2016

a thousand thoughts

I often wonder.  Is it worth it?  How much to say.  To say something?  Do I try?  Or give up?  I've never known how to stop fighting even I say a thousand times; I give up.  Part of me never will.  This election is a lesson I won't soon forget.
God Bless

Friday fun

crayon or pencil 
Marker or stamp
Soy or almonds 
Tennis or football
Guess or Gucci

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Thankful

I've given this thought.  In the season of Thanksgiving I will say I'm thankful for Trump.  Yes, I said thankful for Trump.
This is why.
I can't and won't let others perceived notion of me get me riled.  I'm done changing you or fixing you.
I will only fight fights worth fighting.
I will not internalize the pain, it only kills me.
God calls me to more.  Plant the seed.  That's it.
I deserve better.
Like and love are two different things entirely.
I believe God loves me, and I need to act like I believe this.
My heart loves, but I am understanding what it is to guard it.
Time to love me better.

Lead

I'm still in a disbelief, but not shock.  But I have hope, and I will not relinquish that.  I have family and friends that love me enough.  I was talking to someone who is wonderful who told me I listen to understand, I don't listen to respond.  It hasn't left me.
Love.

Stress

How do you handle stress?

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Election

It's been a night I'd rather forget, but reality as it is Congratulations to President-elect Donald J. Trump.  It's hard to admit defeat, but I will.  I respect the will of the people even if I don't agree with it.  My faith, upbringing and more dictate such an imperative.  I have to respect the process, the Electoral College is what it is.  I fought a fight not many agreed with, but I fought.  I only want to fight a battle worth fighting.  I took this fight on knowing who I am, and even in defeat I stand knowing I gave my heart to something I wouldn't have.  I fought with a voice I refused as a child, and for that I'm proud.  I lost a battle, not the war.  Trump brought out a voice I really prayed I wouldn't want to use.  Hillary didn't lose.  I didn't lose.  The American people won.
God Bless these United States.
deflated not defeated.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Think

When you have no control of anything, and are dependent on people, on God, you operate differently.  I'm different, always have been.  I wonder to this day if that's a good thing.  Some days, yes.  Most days, no.  I have to accept all of this.  I have to accept not all have my compassion even if they try.  I must realize God made me different in more ways than the one I focus on.  My tolerance level must increase to live in a world I don't understand or a world that makes me not want to.  I must be willing to stretch.  Just because others won't doesn't mean I should not.  Accept people as they are not as I'd like them to be.

Moi

All about me.
R's rue:  rue means street in French and R is the letter of my name. I love anything French so there you go.
In all things French:
Favorite French thing?

Friday, November 4, 2016

fun on Friday

The or And
Tennis or shot put
Grammar or vocabulary
Veal or chop
Tea or coffee

Thursday, November 3, 2016

death of a democracy

Death of a Democracy
I no longer know the country of my birth
I no longer understand its people
Taxes are akin to treason
Guilt is assumed until otherwise ruled
The haves have imposed their will
To think a billionaire speaks for the proletariat is absurd
I'm awaiting the Bolshevik
Putin's laughing all the way to the bank
I wonder if all Christians worship the same Jesus
The love of money is the root of all evil
And yet we will elect lovers of money
We excuse one sin and applaud the other
This isn't my country.
I'm glad I'm a Christian now
because i don't display His love
At least my country doesn't
And to every non-Christian
I have failed Christ
And you ought to know
The Jesus who saved me
When life wasn't where I wanted to be
When a promised kept
And a trip
I'll never forget
Brought to a country of splendor
Where I realized that my birth country was beyond anything
I could ever articulate
And now I see demise on the horizon
I see faction
racism
and division
and despondency has set in
but for a man on Calvary

Name

Story of your blog name?

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Yikes

This election has me thinking.
Buyers' remorse should mean buying an expensive handbag, not a candidate.
Is forgiveness for a chosen few?
Christ isn't dead, but fairness is.
After Election Day will I have four years of denial?
I mourn the loss of morality, goodness and decency.
I mourn period.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Four years

Four years of blogging. It is a gift for which I'm grateful. I am thankful for what started as a way to vent my frustrations has become so much more. I'm grateful. Thank you.

Halloween

Favorite Halloween memory?

Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday fun

Glamour or Self
Graham crack or saltine
Salt or Sugar
Coffee or chai
Tamarind or cumin

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Thought

With the election ever approaching, I am nervous.  I can't watch the news.  Facebook is unbearable.  I know I'm to have faith in Christ, and I'm clinging to it because humanity leaves me...mad.  Cerebral Palsy has given me empathy, and sometimes I wish I had the nerve to say what I felt without feeling guilty if I've hurt your feelings.  I know God will take care of me, but I worry for others.  Maybe I shouldn't care.  Maybe I should take care of myself, and say f*** you to the rest.  It's the Trump playbook.  Give me your huddled masses needn't apply.  Maybe we should all pray for a silver spoon or be born normal.  No need to worry about the future, or who wants to get over on you.  I'm angry and hurt.  We talk about praying in schools, yet we don't display Christian love there.  Bullying and suicide attempts.  What if we displayed decency.  The most basic fundamental.  Being decent displays a love that speaks volumes.  Christ is decent.  Christ is good.  Christ is great.  Bullying didn't get me because I have siblings who defend my value.  Some do not.  Christ implores us to defend the less fortunate.  Do we?  My heart hurts because I see a nation buckling to self-will rather the good of all.
My goal today is to be kind to one another.  Smile or give a compliment.  My friend Carrie has a great sense of self.
Regine

Monday, October 24, 2016

Getting to know you

Do you ski?
Favorite bath product?
Cookie or cake?
Europe or Asia?
Golf or tennis?
Dress or pant?
Italian or Mexican?
Chinese or American?

Sunday, October 23, 2016

grateful

After today's sermon at church, I'm realizing several things.  I realize that I still need pruning.  I still need guidance.  I still need teaching.  I realize my selfish desires.  I realize my need for a Savior.  I realize that my need for communion with God is great.  I realize my flaws, and those are the ones I need to work on.  My life is not to make judgment on yours.  I am grateful for God and His love for me.  I realize you cannot change the circumstances of your birth, you just have to let it be a blessing to others.  CP shapes my view.  My fight is bigger than me.  I'm proud that I'm still fighting, that's the battle.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Friday fun

Candy corn or Candy bar
People or animals
Movie or music
Hallmark or HSN
British or Australian

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Truth

Sometimes, I get mired in quicksand.  I worry, and I know it's a sin.  It is the hardest sin for me.  I worry about what to eat.  I hate food most days.  I eat to live, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't.  Acceptance is not a nice friend right now.  Honestly, I don't wait or like to.  I expect my body to listen.  Not happening.  I am not sated with my body.  Satisfied or content, I'm not sure.  I don't know who I fight more.  I am trying to be more positive.  That is a work in progress.   I don't know what I'm fighting more:  the answer or the outcome.  It's almost four years of this journey.  I don't know what else to call it.  I wonder if I still have anything left to say.  If it's worthy.  Then we get to numbers, but it's not that or is it.  The number feeds my ego.  Thinking you have made it, and then come to find out you make it daily.
This may not be popular, but here it is.  I have discussed politics because if I don't say something, no one else will.  It is isolating, frustrating, and wonder if it matters.  I didn't ask for this, did God give me more than I can handle?  Ask Him.  The fact is humanity has left me in a quandary.  Does Disability disqualify me.  Or does it give me a look into the world nobody wants to be?  Sometimes positive is saying yes to a reality you didn't choose.
In 33 years, some days fight is a word I fight.  I go down the hole of no return.
I fight battles I want for no one.
God Bless,
Regine

Grocery store

What is something you always buy at the grocery store?

Monday, October 17, 2016

God

In this season of everything I wish wasn't, I look to You to restore my brokenness. I do work best that way.  Don't restore my faith in humanity, strengthen me in You.   When I'm not in you, I know it. Love me like you do. I think of You in that Assisi church then and now, and realize what a blessing it is to be Yours, fully Yours.   I know my purpose, and sometimes I want to vehemtly deny it, but I can't.   Thank you Lord for that Assisi church that gave me awestruck feelings and still leaves me speechless.

Splurge

How did you splurge today?

Introduce yourself

Introduce yourself.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Friday fun

Fun or sun
Rhyme or reason
Logic or faith
Sun or rain
Mountain or beach

25

Twenty-five days:
of nasty political crassness
of sides
of factions
of hate


In this election cycle I have question what it is to be a Christian.  I have always wonderful why one party is labeled the party of Christian conservatives.  I have never understood why any other party be Christian.  It's a false narrative.  When I label me, I label you.  I just want to lead a life pleasing to Him.  Your judgement matters not.  Jesus does label us conservative or liberal.  He just knows we're sinners in need of Him.  I no longer believe in lesser of two evils.  Evil is evil.  Sin is sin.  Love.d

Thursday, October 13, 2016

The things we don't say

I have to say I'm shocked.  Maybe I've been too sheltered or naive to know when blatant racism occurs.  People will leave you shocked and shattered.  I didn't want to believe I could see racism right in front of me.  I never knew going into to Lowe's would land into Obama bashing and having a Trump-fest, when all that was sought was a light bulb.  For those loving on Trump,how  can you say  don't support the man, support the stance.  That doesn't apply.  He was a Democrat for years.  I don't really know if he opposes it.  Donald Trump has made it known he doesn't appreciate women, the disabled or anybody who is not like him.  White, rich and entitled.  If you think he speaks for you, I hope for your sake, you're right.  God help us if you're not.  Nobody likes history, because it doesn't matter, but think again.  When I decided to get my head out my ass, and follow my own advice again, My heart could have empathy.  My Southern friends, Hillbilly Elegy should be required reading.  Facebook and blogs are not reading, though I wouldn't mind if you kept reading.  I am seeing America through a lens I never thought I would.  It's sad, yes, but change can be made.
Will you and I do just that?

Thanksgiving

Favorite Thanksgiving meal?

Meditating

Meditating on Scripture today. The state of American politics leaves me where if I can't be nice, I won't say a word because silence says more than divisive words ever could.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Splurge

what do you splurge on?

Dear Christian

Dear Christian brother and sister,
Do you realize that we have let one man divide us, tear us in two.  We are as the body of Christ supposed to seek unison not division.  I can't make judgements on this man.  It is not my job, but I can't not say it's tempting.  I can't worry about tomorrow, but I do.  Part of me wishes this were not real because this man is doing the most heinous things, trying to have discord among believers of Christ, the one man who can save us all if we want it.
Let me say, I used to love politics, until I saw what it could do not used properly.
God Bless our souls.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

No fruit

If my life doesn't start and end with Jesus, I need to stop and reevaluate.  If my life doesn't show the Love of Jesus, I'm failing to do my job.  If you can't see Jesus in me, I've failed.  For me, America is not it's greatest because we've failed to love as He loves us.  We've failed to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  We've failed to humble ourselves.  We've increased while Jesus has decreased.  Our wants have increased, and our desire to help others have decreased.  What if the only thing I really wanted was Jesus could I be happy, content and joyous.  Could the living water keep me quenched.  Could He keep me sated.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Who God made me

Some days are better than others.  It's not what I want, but I'm grateful for today.  I'm grateful.  The blessings overwhelm me.  I just want to be who God made me.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

The kettle is black

My heart hurts folks.  It is pained.  I may bash Donald Trump, but truth is he needs the world to pray for him.  Hillary Clinton needs them too.  I must speak on this though.  Forgiveness goes both ways.  There are some ready to forgive Donald Trump, but give Hillary Clinton the heave ho.  We all need forgiveness.  What if God worked that way.  Jesus forgives you, but not me, he finds you too deplorable per Hillary's word.  She offended his base, but he offends me.  Instead, per a wise man's words provoke you, not offend you.  I once had a friend tell if my writing is not offending you, I'm not doing my job, but let me borrow the wise man's words.  Let me provoke you.  Who deserves forgiveness or grace or mercy?  If man had his way none of us, but God through His Son Jesus willing gave and still gives us these in abundance.  I expect this from the unsaved, but my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, no.  This is an indictment on myself too, I just don't get anymore.  We aren't supposed to cast the first stone, but we do it anyway.  I realize we all have racism and prejudices in us.  And we can't accept that fact.  Until we accept that fact, we can fix the problem.  We are to be the light not extinguish it.

"Broken to be used"

There are some days when your soul just sings,  You see God as the Only Authority.  When I started getting real and being honest God has blessed me.  On Halloween, it will be four years of this blogging journey.  For about a year and a half, I didn't want to share my fear, my worry.  Who wanted to read about one broken girl who was saved by Jesus, but living as if I didn't know.  I found no joy in my misery.  I felt as if I should give up on Paris, myself, all of it, but I couldn't.  When you are disabled, you are not your own.  You are an investment to which many contribute.  Not capitalizing on investment is not something you take lightly.
Purpose.
Why?
Two things I've thought long on.
I've known my purpose for so long and denied it, until God had to to give me the kind of sign only hardheads can't see.
The truth must be painful to see me free.
Today our guest speaker said something that broke me.  "You must be broken to be used"  Amen.
Thank you Reverend Harling for allowing God to use you to minister to my broken everything.  Thank you to Dr. Blake Harwell for pointing out the obvious.  And to Lauren Blind, for leading me to the one who saved my soul.  Jesus, if I could love people like you love me there may be be hope for the 7 billion.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Perfection

Last night I went to a painting party.  I enjoyed it immensely.  I realized that habits are hard to break.  I kept critiquing myself about how my painting wasn't perfect.  Nothing we humans ever do will be perfect.  It's just a fact of life.  Accepting our life and reality may be hard, but it's necessary or we may never find happiness.  Or joy or contentment.  When I look at my painting today, I love the imperfection because I made it.  And when imperfection meets imperfection that equals perfection.  I want to find joy in my circumstance, because I need to believe that God did not fail when He made me.  I need to accept a decision that changed my world.  I can accept the small victory in that last night I asked for help for what I could not do.  Small steps.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Christmas shopping

Have you started Christmas shopping?

Surrender

I'm learning that your purpose may not be the one you wanted, but the one God wanted you to have.  I see my purpose clearly, I just didn't want it.  I wanted something more glamorous, and not an iota of pain.  My purpose doesn't garner red carpets.  It demands a revocation of pride.  It's requiring me to put all my wants aside.  I have a lot of wants.  I'm being refined, and it hurts.  Humility is painful.  When dying to self becomes a joy, I will appreciate humility.  The Casting Crowns song "Just be Held" says there is freedom in surrender, but I wonder is total surrender is ever possible for me.  Is surrender a good thing?  I stopped asking questions because I knew I didn't want the answer, or I didn't want an answer that would cause more questions than the question itself.  Is surrender when you just stop trying?  Is that a bad thing?  I stopped asking because I've always known that the questions I have have no right or wrong answer.  And it's not a type of question I like.  Folks, when you have to lower expectations of others and self, you will be free.  Surrender is freedom indeed.

Favorite

Favorite fall decor?

Monday, October 3, 2016

Pain

This is painful.  Years of deceit have left me teary-eyed right now.  I deceived myself and others into believing a myth I so wanted to be truth.  The pursuit of normal has only left me reeling.  The pursuit of normal has been the lie I couldn't quit until I no longer had to energy to prove otherwise.  I realize that I will always eat Paleo.  My stomach decides that, because my mind can't handle anything less than harmony.  In the end, I can't control my stomach, but I can do all can to see that's it's happy.  As with food, my gut hates my anxiety and I can't worry about how many times I go a day.  The pursuit of normal has led to apologize for and hate who God made me.  The last thing I wanted to be is special.  Special being code word for different.  The pursuit of normal has led to me having to tell you what task I can complete physically, but intellectually as well.  That hurts folks.  I'm learning that my body reacts to drastic change in not nice ways some days.  My life tells me that dependence is not a business model for success.  It's a roller coaster of small victories and maybe larger defeats.  I have to be thankful, because for all my pain, if God can show you the purpose.  Go on.  I may go to Monaco one day, and yet not race Formula 1.  The point is Monaco represents the journey and Formula 1 is the destination.  My health dictates that Monaco is what matters.  The truth hurts because it's means something.  No wonder Jesus said "I AM the way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to the Father but by me.  The Jew who was nailed to the Cross, saves my life, my soul and so much more.

Thoughts

Since when is not paying taxes something to aspire to?  Since when is being a bully something to aspire to?  I don't care if it's legal.  It becomes a moral issue. I now understand why the Bible warns about the love of money. Once you have it, you never have enough. When is enough?  God help us all if this is what we've become.

Lipstick

Favorite lipstick?

Thank you

Thank you for loving me.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Double standard

Romney once had a statement that said 47 percent of Americans didn't pay their taxes. According to a Mother Jones article the 47 percent were "freeloaders" and "irresponsible".   Mr. Trump it was just revealed lost almost a billion dollars. That's some countries GDP.   Romney lost an election over this. We had a fit because a rich man blasted poor people, yet when another rich man admits he's "smart" for not paying them, we applaud him. Is the difference that Romney was a nice man, and Trump is well not so nice?  Where's the outcry?  Trump may win the election, but not much else.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Making America great again

Let me analyze this statement.  America has always been great.  It allows you and me to pray freely.  It allows you loopholes not to pay taxes.  It allows you to make erroneous claims about the President's place of birth.  It allows you to discriminate against anyone who opposes you.  It allows you to make your wares that you peddle in other places, but America.  Your not paying taxes and taking write-offs for everything means we the taxpayers paid for your wife Melania's 2,645 dollar Roland Mouret dress.  A French designer.  At least, Michelle Obama promoted the American fashion industry wearing ensembles from J.Crew and the like.  If you gave a darn about America at least you could pretend to do so.  Don't pretend to want to the American people any favors.  Good business and greed aren't mutually exclusive.  Good business is one thing, but greed is another.
You are a good showman to have middle class America believing the lie that you will be their champion.  You've have opportunities and squandered them.  You mock a disabled reporter, call Lester Holt's questions unfair, say that your former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski wasn't a little too close with a woman at the event where he later spoke with the Florida police.  You mock a Venezuelan beauty queen for adding a few pounds or calling Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig.  You have fooled the American people, but I will not be fooled.
Make America great again?  Start leading by example.

Trump

What is Trump's allure?

Thoughts

Thoughts on the candidates?

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Debate

Watching some of last night's debate has me saddened.  We have a bully who touts his own arrogance, claims it smart not to pay taxes.  He may get elected, because we are a me country.  JFK quote about asking not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country has been reversed.  We don't give a damn who we hurt as long as we are unhurt.  We only have pride in ourselves.  Frankly, we laud his boorishness and label him an outsider.  An outsider in politics.  No, if you believe that I've got a bridge to sell you in Alaska.  We love him, because he exhibits all we are.  Loud, brash and unrepentant until it bites us in the ass.  The silver spoon billionaire does not speak for me.  He lashes out at people who call him on his shit.  Sound familiar?  And if they offend you, call them fat or whatever fits you that day.  We are uncompromising SOB's until we need to brownnose.  I don't like communism, but it's appeal can be alluring for some.  I know I must vote, but this election has me dismayed.  Whomever wins, gridlock seems like a given.  I wonder what Jesus would tell us because He epitomizes the good of the whole.  This election feels like inni, mini, mini, mo.  Frankly, the problem, we don't read books anymore.  We don't enhance or expand our minds, we fill them will delusions of grandeur.  We watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  I bet you can name them including significant others, but can you name the first six presidents, or tell me what the Magna Carta is?

Monday, September 26, 2016

Fridge

What is in your fridge?

Pride problem

This girl has a problem with pride and it ain't pretty.  Asking for help is treachery.  Letting my guard down is something I've never really done.  I hate being vulnerable.  I'm so used to projecting an image of strength that letting you see my weakness is a non-negotiable.  Pride will kill you faster than weakness.  Weakness shows you're human, something I always felt was a cop-out.  Maybe that's why I hate doctors' offices.  They have to find my weakness so I can be strong.
Truth is a b, even if it does set you free.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Change

Cerebral Palsy will never leave me and that's a hard part to swallow.  I was just thinking this year has given me lots of change.  Surgery and weight loss have taken its toll.  Right now, I'm fragile.  I appear strong, because it's my default.  I can't admit that stretching right now is a high intensity workout for me.  Physically, I look good.  Mentally, feels like a shattered glass.  It's hit me in blogland, I am an open book, who has written about constipation.  What will they think if they met me.  Here goes the trifecta.  The previous post addresses those.  God help me.

Take a pick

I have been ruled by three things. Anxiety, Fear and the Unknown.  Anxiety, will I ever be good enough for anyone, anything, or the expectation of myself.  Fear, that whatever I become is enough.  The Unknown, because precisely the fact is I don't know.  The one thing about American ideal is that we seek the best unless you want to be pigeonholed.  That is scary.  Why does the truth hurt so damn bad?  The truth has no way to categorize, it has no shades of gray.  The truth is there just waiting for you, whenever you ready.  The lesser of two evils as I'm listening to CNN is the background is a lie.  Evil is evil.  Choices have ramifications, and inaction leads to a consequence much deeper, regret.  Regret and resentment lead to apathy.  Apathetic people lead to anarchy.  And frankly, history is repeating itself right now, and as much as we say we care.  We don't.  If we did, we wouldn't have candidates running to secure a title.  This election reminds me of a monarch versus a autocrat.  The coronation or divine right.  The election is much like me.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Live

After these posts, I'm learning that I'm feeling.  The spigot won't stop.  I don't know if I can go back now.  I worry what will they think?  I can't do it.  Years of suppression will overload the locks.  Should I let you see my brokenness?  Dreams are what keep me alive.  Maybe that's why I haven't been to Paris yet.  It's the one dream that keeps me going.  The City of Light unlocks my darkness.  In truth it's Jesus.  Without Him, I can't survive.  Every human disappoints, He does not.  I can't argue with a world I don't understand, and thusly doesn't get me.  Slowly, I come to grips, that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  I have to be okay with that.  I keep thinking back to that church in Assisi in which my soul sang, and for a moment my heart delighted pure joy.  There is something about an empty church with me and the crucifix and everything feels right.  I have suppressed everything thinking that's how you live.  It's how you survive.  Survival isn't for the fittest.  Anyone can survive? Will you live?
My life's goal is to live.
The 64,000 dollar question.
Will you live?

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Disabled

What will disability teach you?  It will teach you that you are viewed as a second-class citizen unless you the disabled person proves to the contrary.  The only privilege you have is the one to take shit, and thank such oppressors for said shit.  Have I faced inequality and felt the need to apologize for my CP?  Yes, and I have done so.  Then, I realized that wasn't in my job description.  If it sounds like I'm angry, I am.  I have to prove I'm disabled.  The burden of proof is on me.  For every good person,  I meet a bad apple that makes me question every faith in humanity I have.  I have to prove my self-worth, because for some it seems God doesn't determine that.  I can hear the commentary, you should be grateful you live in this country, because in others they institutionalize you.  Let me say this, I didn't feel I had a right to speak about this, because it feels like complaining to me, and the last thing I am is ungrateful.  What I am doing is honoring this nation by voicing my grievances because it gives me the right to do so.  Folks, I have just realized that I have to speak for myself or be discounted.  Thank you Donald Trump, for the kick in the ass.
Don't mock us.

Favorites

It's Fall.
Any favorites?

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Being real

After yesterday's response, I feel I need to continue.  Letting people see the real me is difficult.  For so long I have sprinkled fairy dust on the problem hopefully making it whisk it away.  I have known God is nudging me to this.  I can't deny it.  My writing talent is there, but my heart wasn't.  My heart may never fully be there, but God beckons and who am i to deny Him.
Cerebral Palsy and Constipation:  The two C's I have come to dread.  Spinach and Stretching are what help.  I look over at the rice at just wince.  I used to love rice until I realized I would hate it days later.  Stretching, a chore, I detested because it required work, and I'm lazy.  My body wants instant gratification.  Stretching reminded me that my body wasn't normal, and I hate working for something I should already have.  God and I fight.  My faith includes screaming, crying and everything I would rather not say.  You know you are getting better when you don't mind praying for God to help you go number two.  Disability ain't pretty.
Acceptance still is a b.  I just try to maintain grace.  A grace I don't deserve.

Jeans

Best boot cut or wide leg Jean?

Thank you.

Thank you for the love on yesterday's post. It is so much appreciated. It made my day. Thanks again!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

It's here

Cerebral Palsy and I have always been friends, though not of my choosing.  God gave me the biggest blessing.  Being a trooper is a matter of necessity.  Life has taught me that once you clear a hurdle, you are not finished.  Cerebral Palsy has been as much a mental battle.  I rise and shine, then as some point during the day have a battle.  It's a daily fight.  I fight boredom, negative thoughts and tight muscles.  I listen to Christian music to bring me hope.  I have to fight me to have faith.  I have to fight  every perceived and real slight.  Being disabled in American society is a struggle.  Being disabled yet not clearly fitting in the box is harder.  When society thinks you can pass for normal, but know different is a fight everyday.  All men were not created equal, I don't believe that.  The deck is a pendulum in which some keep swinging hoping for some clarity.  And I fight because who else will?  A disabled reality is trying to fit a square peg in a round hole hoping the powers that be realize ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL.  Don't get me started on politics, because we know the candidates don't speak for me, and one finds me a disgrace to humanity.  And apparently, my disability doesn't show unless I give you my medical history.  Trump and Clinton, maybe you'd have to disclose yours if you were in my shoes.  What a damn luxury.  The doctors' office knows my voice when I call, can you say that?

Let me make a HUGE statement that you can recall:
I am a disabled square peg that doesn't fit into a round hole.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Thoughts

These are my thoughts.

I've lost fifty pounds.  I get complimented constantly that I look great, but folks I don't feel great.  I've lost fat and tissue in my feet that it makes it painful to walk more than two hours.

Acceptance and Cerebral Palsy are kicking my ass.

I live in a small town where fried and fat food is a way of life.

I eat Paleo, or that's what I tell folks.

I've tried more dating sites.  Promise leads then falters.

Paris is a dream.  I thought losing weight would prepare me to walk around the city, and now I can't deal.

Award

Did you watch the Emmys?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Perception

I haven't blogged about life or my thoughts recently, and frankly I have my opinions.  Are they kind? Are they needed?  I don't wish to divide.  Division is all I see if I watch the news.  As an individual who has felt marginalized by society, I am learning a few things.

You can only be marginalized if you allow a perception to become your reality.
Victimization is different than victimhood
Acceptance of what is versus what could be
I'm only seeking to change myself.
I have dreams for myself that I chase.


Changing the world is only possible when and if I change myself.

Favorite

Favorite ice cream flavor
Favorite app
Favorite football team
Favorite football food

What are your greatest blessings

What are your greatest blessings?

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Please pray

Please if you wouldn't mind, pray for my friends, The Shulls as they go to China today to meet their new daughter.  Shay is the blogger at Mix and Match Mama.
Thanks.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Friday five

swim or synchronized swimming
Platform or springboard
Basketball or volleyball
Kayak or canoe
Sail or paraglide

Monday, August 15, 2016

Friday, July 22, 2016

Friday fun

Russia or Ukraine
Speak or listen
Jog or walk
Scream or whisper
Sock or shoe

Friday, July 15, 2016

Friday fun

Germany or France
Newport or the Hamptons
Joy or hope
Faith or love
Grace or mercy

Friday, July 8, 2016

Friday fun

Dog or cat
Sandal or slide
Hat or cap
Swim or walk
Glitz or glamour

God Bless,
R

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Thoughts

All this political is making me so mad.
Donald Trump says the system is rigged.
Unless you are disabled, poor or a minority you have no idea of what a rigged system is.
Give me a break.
R

Favorite

Favorite arcade game?

Friday, July 1, 2016

Friday fun

popsicle or sherbet
Magazine or book
Sudoku or word search
Pool or beach
Float or noodle

God Bless,
R

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Life in another lane

Disability: it doesn't define me, but it doesn't leave me.
It leaves me dependent, frustrated and baffled.
It leaves me awestruck.
It forces ugly truths down your throat.
It leaves for a broken, battered soul.

The roller coaster ride
The swinging pendulum
You keep me rocking.

Manage expectations
Manage life
Manage nothing

Dream big
Or not at all
Middle ground
What is that?

Yet God pushes me from
The edge of all the adjectives
I could despise

When you're me
God is the only One
who can provide Hope
for what ails me.

Favorite

Favorite book?
God Bless,
R

Friday, June 24, 2016

Friday fun

Sun or sand
Clouds or rain
International or domestic
Love or kind
Peace or peace

God Bless,
R

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Monday, June 20, 2016

heart

Vacation was nice. Missed you all.
What's on your heart?
God Bless,
R

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Wednesday, June 8, 2016