Capri summering

 Right now, I’m dreaming of a vacation my body is not able to take. Take me to Capri or St.Paul de Vence. Take me away to the sea. The craggy cliffs. The azure waters. The dolce vita. The joie de vivre. The raison d’etre. Take me to the place my body unfurls like Garfield after a peaceful snooze. Let my muscles move to Mariah or Pitbull. Let my soul be revived by simple living in extraordinary places. 

Right now though I’d settle for the latest issue of Tatler, that I couldn’t find in Barnes and Noble. Living vicariously through others is my summer mission. Travel, see the world. We don’t appreciate it well anymore. Love your neighbor. Love yourself. Love anything worth being loved. 

Right now I’m grateful to be pain free. I’m just having to be patient. And that is something I struggle with daily. Humor me friends. Have a good day, and be joyful. 

Relief

 Please, I beg you, treasure your health. “Liquid gold” injection was a success, but it comes at a price. Imagine after your done, you lie still, the doctor gives you his gloved hand squeezing yours trying to give you human connection and reassurance. The pain is something I try not to think of, but later that day, it took all the energy I had to eat something, and take a few steps to bed. I don’t need you to feel bad for me. I must endure pain to find relief for the next few months. 

For the next week, I will be moving slowly. No exercise for me. I just want you to enjoy life. Enjoy what I can’t. Relish the fact that needles aren’t needed to bring joy to the body. To use the potty without pain. If your muscles can stretch and not lock, you are blessed. If you can move without strain, do it for me. 

Listening to my muscles on the machine, it sounded like a freight train. It’s not a sound anyone wants to hear. Nobody had to ask about the degrees of my pain. My mouth would lie, the machine wouldn’t. Doctor said why won’t you tell me when you have pain. I said I never have. I never will. I’m used to pain. I know you can provide answers. 

I’m not fighting what I already know. I just have to trust what I don’t understand. The questions don’t serve me. The answers may not either. Right now, I’m headed to the couch to rest. 

Love you all. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

Memories

 While I rest, I remember ferry rides and gelato. Flowers and the sea. Wind whipping my hair in the most delicious way. Sand and turquoise waters. Blending in with the locals. Getting a lobster roll. Savoring every bite. Where am I friends?

New England 

Return to me

Dear friend

As if 

I’ve never

Left you

My heart

Didn’t get 

The message

Hi

 Procedure day is done. I have thoughts. I will share at some point. 

Truth

 Taking the punches. Taking the blows. For the betterment of others. Selfless love. What we get when we give so freely of ourselves. Love conquers the fear. Love conquers doubt. Love covers the insecurity that pervades the soul. When you learn that struggle breeds clarity and hope. Climbing the rungs of your questions is the road to understanding the you within. 

When people get the best version of you, the rewards are endless and overflowing. The best version of you may be messy and unkempt, but it’s the truth. Not a lie that is carefully curated to impress. Take the win the truth provides. 

You in truth

Is in harmony

For their

Is nothing 

Left to hide

Grace in failure

 This body. The one I’m in. The one I hated for years, walked two miles yesterday in miserable heat. I’m learning to work with the body I’m in. I walk through pain and discomfort. My body will always know pain and discomfort. I accept what I cannot change. I can’t change Cerebral Palsy. I can’t change how age changes how this condition affects me. I’m learning to accept exhaustion. I’m learning to welcome sleep. Everything I said I would never do, I now do without apology. 

I walk in the rain. Dance in the streets. Sing in the shower. Yes to all three. Walking downtown yesterday with a friend, I realized I’m an old dog sometimes. Sometimes you can’t teach me new tricks. Sometimes you can. Depends on the day. This truth no longer hurts my feelings. Too old to give a darn. Honesty really is the best policy. The head is finally understanding the assignment. 

Stop wanting the world to understand and validate you. Most times won’t happen. I’m not upset by it. It’s a reality I wanted for most of my life.  That is until found this desire to be futile. My best friend told me she will never understand my pain. My grief. She is only here to empathize. If my best friend can’t understand, how am I to expect the world to do it. 

I got a note today that is helping me to use what is at my fingertips to answer my own questions. God, thank you. You know why. And because you know why, I can rest, not knowing my next moves. I don’t know the meaning of life. I don’t know if what I do makes a difference. Resonates. I don’t know much about much. I just trust that what I do, and who I am enough. Enough for you. Enough for me. Enough for God. 

I’m having to trust in this season, as I embark on a new journey. A new mission. A new direction. That when I don’t understand. I empathize. I give myself the grace to fail and fail again until success is mine. That is my hope for you as well. 

Yesterday

 A little sorbetto

A mocktail

A pizza slice

Some people watching

Friendly chatter

Made my day

Yesterday

Story

 The greatest gift

I’ve ever been given

Is your love

As I discover

Who I am

Again

Lord

Restore

My faith

In the ability

You’ve given me

To tell the story

Inside of me

Sunday blessings

 The mind is returning to the sea watching the sun rise over the horizon as I enjoy its glory before the heat of the day makes it untenable. Walking in the soft sand relishing the feel of serenity. The only sounds are waves as they ebb and flow. Watching Mother Nature is fascinating, calming and rejuvenating. If I want simplicity and calm, I must seek it. Anything worth having is worth the work. That is the playbook. 

Find the joy

Guard it

Then give

It away

Spread like wildfire

The goodness

Of life

That I find

In Your eyes

The sea 

At Folly

The mountains

In Saluda

The peace

Of my home

Is my gratitude 

Today

Birds

 Sitting under

The fan

In a cozy

Summer dress

Listening to 

The birds

As I work

Me

 The feather boa, the beaded necklace and the glass slipper. Playing pretend princess with the tiara of flowers and rhinestones perfecting the wave. Realizing the daydreams of yesteryear are long gone. Reality slaps you in the face as you pull a muscle getting into the car. The pain radiates, but then I think I’m grateful for the pain ironically. I go back in time to the days of Capri-Sun and Fruit Roll-Ups. I didn’t worry about high fructose corn syrup and refined sugars. Now I watch the scale intently ingesting brócoli and kale tricking myself into believing it’s ice cream. 

Inflation is talking about what is a reasonable price for just about anything from remember ninety-three cent a gallon gas or a five dollar combo meal. It’s now three plus dollars a gallon and I haven’t even eaten a combo meal in years to know the price. All I want is a Big Mac, yet I go home and make a kale salad instead. I remember spritzing myself with perfume and now they just sit out on display collecting dust. 

We don’t read the classics, learn Latin or write letters. I had a lesson on how AI works yesterday, and I was at a loss. We don’t do anything ourselves, there’s a program to do it for us. As much as I struggle to come up with what to say, I’m here to say, what I write is all me. 

I’m returning to the day of playing with play doh, drinking tea from a plastic teacup and singing off key. I need to return to the joy of childhood. 

Blessing

 Yesterday’s hydrangeas

Brought me back

To a Nantucket day

That hasn’t left

My soul yet

I pray it never does

Travel

Domestic

Or international

Invigorates the senses

Physically

And mentally 

Leaves me

Joyful and grateful

I’m so happy

To count the blessing

Home

 Home

Where

I can just be

What a privilege

What or where is home for you>

Adventure

 On an adventure today. 

What is making you smile?

Pearson Falls

 Hiking up Pearson Falls, I realized some truths I’d avoided. I’m stronger than I’d ever thought. I had to go slower than a turtle at times. It was a very frustrating truth to accept. Accepting what I’ve always known is still hard for me. But as I took in nature, I felt that everyone was on a level playing field. And for that I’m grateful. Even if it’s considered an easy trail for most people, I just had to be happy that I completed the task. 

Looking up at the waterfall, peace was present in my soul. I couldn’t believe at forty that my body could still do it. It did and can. After the hike was complete, I’ve never felt more joy. Joy in my ability to get out of my own head. Joy in how much I’m loved. Joy in the ability to not downplay the accomplishment. 

Dear friends:  lead in love, rejoice in thankfulness, be joyful and be small in the trees

Words

 Some days

Stillness means

The words

Don’t flow

I await 

Their arrival

Albeit impatiently

Small town America

 Back from a little time away to recharge the batteries. I don’t do it enough. I’m grateful for any time in a new place to help me appreciate how much home means to me. Home. It’s the place where I’m in no rush. No need to schedule. No need to alter who I am. I didn’t know what a privilege that was. I now know. My soul rejoices. This trip, I let the quiet mountain town transport me to a simpler time. Where the cell phone had no signal and wi-fi was spotty. It forced me to catalog my surroundings with absolute focus and attention to detail. It meant getting caught in a rainstorm, and watching kids play in the rain. It was marveling at the rain covering the mountain in what looked like a cloudy fog. It was eating a juicy burger, and not worrying about making a mess. In this life we want the neat and pretty. 

Life is never neat and pretty. If it is for you, I need some tips. Sign me up for the course. I’m learning I can be content in my own company. I always desired the company of others to satiate my desire for community, but when it’s not available, I can thrive. I’m finding whatever state I’m in provides the setting for a story. A story I get the chance to tell. I’m always learning even when it’s not what I seek. It’s amazing that one hour from home is a place that almost feels like home. My soul relaxes. My mind rests. My body finds regulation. I don’t know whether to share this place. Be selfish. Or share this earthly paradise that brings true peace without knowing it. 

Then I think maybe I need to share the place that brings me such joy. The place when you sit on Main Street, buy an ice cream and watch the traffic go by. Small town America at it’s finest. 

Should I name the town?

Mountains

 The mountain as the backdrop never gets old. The freedom to free fall into natural bliss is the best gift. Taking a hike to the waterfall is an endless rush of anticipation. The sights and sounds that accompanies me is the best massage for a weakened state seeking repairs. Thinking of this scene is enough to let me sleep peacefully, and drift off into dreamland. 

As I awaken to a breakfast of grits, bacon and eggs and pastries, I’m reminded to be grateful for every sweet or savory bite. I don’t what to eat first. I just pile on the plate. Getting a cup of coffee, water and orange juice, I take seat on the deck inhaling the fresh air scent that is infused with a hint of Fraser firs. 

Taking a bite out the pop tart, Nutella lavishes my tongue with gooey hazelnut. I find a banana nearby to mix the flavors. I let out a pleasurable moan. I’m in food ecstasy. Breakfast is a feast for the senses. One I fully intend to enjoy. 

The next decision is what to do today. 

Charade

 Charade

Or reality

Find me

In the place

Where reality 

Exceeds the fantasy 

In

 Fog clouds over the mountain as I breathe in and out  Nature brings me back every time.  I wonder when the natural world will cease to amaze me. Now the rain joins in and I’m in a blissful trance. The Earth just leaves me in a place where I’m happy and peaceful.  The quiet drops lull me into meditation where I’m one with my surroundings  it’s one  I’m happy to be in  

Fantasy

 My greatest win is admitting imperfection. To let you see me fail. To see me succeed. Perservering and conquering the mountain that is my mind. In nature, I’m finding creation to be the only measuring stick I choose to have. The sweat that coats every part is wholly divine. My body is in harmony. I feel so small. Never more alive. Sought the world to soothe me. It doesn’t work. The grandiosity of my surroundings is enough to bring me to my knees even as I’m rooted. 

The only thing I’ve ever needed was the one thing I took for granted. Time. Riding with an eight year listening to the pop star du jour was something I won’t forget. The music choice was not my favorite. It made her happy. I leaned into her happiness, it was enough to give me some of my own. 

Learning to let it be. Smile and be grateful for what is yours. Your reality may be someone’s fantasy. 

Birthday

 Joy

Is a birthday 

I love

To celebrate 

Happy birthday 

Mom

Ice cold

 Taking  a walk down memory lane dancing to some Sam Hunt. Finding the groove with two left feet is still fun. Activating the joy within me. Twirling through the fields of dandelions. Singing at the top of my lungs. Letting fear and anxiety go with every move. Letting the sights and sounds be my mate. Putting on some old muddy boots. Reveling in the clay mask I’ve made. The winds of time stand still for no one, but in that moment, it feels infinite. Nature and I are one in tranquility. I’m grounded to the earth. Never more sure of who I am. In this moment, I search for the mustard seed. The anger in me dissipates as I lose myself in Your embrace. The bear hugs, the sweetest kisses and when you see me, you stare in amazement. That You made me. That I’ve chosen You. That I’m nothing without you. That I’m lost without you. I’m wholly dependent on You. 

I’ve come to the end of self. That’s why I amble around the local Tractor Supply. I look to buy a water through to sit and soak in. I need to be one with my pets. Shivering in the cold brings a clarity I couldn’t locate. I submerge myself in the ice and sigh. Peace is a muddy boot, a sports bra and Soffe short covered in ice cubes from the freezer and cold water from a hose. 

I dream of Chanel and a strand of pearls on a yacht in the Mediterranean, and yet the cows and green grass in my own backyard is what brings me back to life. What does that say. The dreams fuel me to continue, but my reality centers me. 

Ping pong

 Ping pong, ding dong. My own little reverie taking place on the table. Andrew is goading me into pretending I’m a professional. A swing and a miss. A thud as the body hits the table with force. His eleven year old self is laughing uproariously with glee at my lack of skill. I go round the table picking sides to better my odds. Nothing does the trick. The little rascal still laughs, falling to the floor in hysterics. My foibles must be something to behold. 

I give it back and up the stakes. Can he do better?  I know this isn’t a bet to make or take. I do it anyway. Anything to shut him up. Funny thing is, the kid has some skill or maybe just the will to prove me wrong. Those prepubescent preteens find any need for competition and I gave him the opportunity for showmanship. 

The kid is now in the zone ready to pretend to be the professional. Paddle to ball, eye to ball ready for action. He smokes an ace. I’m ready to shake my head as it is done over an over again. Blows on his fingers, and goes at it again. I tell him to take it easy on me as the wise elder. He retorts: Not so wise now, really. Got to give it to the cocky kid. He’s right. I hate when I’m wrong. Stinks being shown how it’s done. 

I’m stupid enough not to concede defeat. Must be a glutton for punishment. I attempt another go at it. I now make contact with the ball, but it slams into the net. Throwing rackets, er paddles and screaming “you can’t be serious” come to mind. Just a game. Muttering to self. Toweling off. Blaming sweaty palms for lackluster play is the next excuse. Yet I forget my antics are being mimicked by said chap smirking in bemusement. 

Dang!  Really this is what my embarrassment looks like. Oh my. And now the old lady just chalks it up and laughs at self remembering that life is made up of moments we would like to forget, but never do. I admit defeat. Admitting I’m no McEnroe. Then the boy says who is that?  Now I laugh hysterically. 

Oh wow. Now I know I’m old. Oh well. C’est la vie. 

View

 Good morning from a rainy South Carolina where the soul wakes up to worship. The grass grows, the cows sing as I sit with steaming coffee. The chickens peck insects and scurry for scraps. My little composters. The old man that is my dog lazily comes to my lap. I rub behind his ears as he purrs almost cat-like reveling in the attention. I look out at my own personal piece of earthly heaven, and I wonder how I could be so lucky. 

Blessed that my pasture looks like my own Augusta National. I feel like finding a driver and a golf ball. Let my backyard be a playground for frivolity. Dreams of a Woods-like follow through are in my mind, as swings are made, but not successful. Clearing the barbed wire now becomes my aim. Thirty minutes later, I amble along picking up the balls like the rocks of my childhood. The bucket these days is much lighter, but no more the better. The rocks buried in dry earth so difficult to extricate then provide motivation to seek joy in rolling in hay bales recalling the days of riding, the mustang, Jughead. 

Coming up for lunch is a reprieve for my aching muscles. Recreating the whims of a teenager leaves 40 year old bones yelling for an ice bath. A nice ham sandwich and Sun Chips with some unsweetened tea is just what I need. I consider an audiobook to keep me company, but wondering if silence is the answer. The only soundtrack is chewing and swallowing. I wonder if this is what peace feels like. No need for noise to be my only companion. 

In the farmland that is mine, I’m finding completion. Completion in contentment. I still dream of the South of France in the lavender fields, the Parisian je ne sais quoi, or the seascapes of Capri, but right now my view is a familiar one, but beautiful nonetheless. 

Describe your current view. 

Jesus

 Today I realize a few things. 

God doesn’t forget the dreams of the thirteen year old you. At forty, I’m seeing that. 

This project will gut me. I will be broken down and built back up. Pray for courage. Going to need it more than I can say. 

Please grant me grace as I proceed. 

What needs doing

Isn’t always easy

But easy

Never brought

Peace

Those five letters

The word

Has eluded me

The son

Will restore

Jesus