Anyway

 These days, I’m learning what growth is. Growth is not arguing or proving a point. It’s not about explaining. God made me like this. I still don’t like it. God didn’t ask me what I liked, however. It’s an about loving unlovable people.  It’s still hoping even as the cruel and deceitful of the world prosper, while the marginalized suffer. It’s about not trying to understand what I cannot. Trusting the process, journey, take your pick isn’t glamourous. It’s painful, unsexy and unappealing. It is daily. I’m learning for my own sanity that every day I must walk. It’s my daily commune with God. I say nothing. Nothing at all. It’s the only time I’m truly silent. 

I’m realizing that growth is not doing things the American way. Please don’t ask me to elaborate.  I don’t multitask. I can’t hurry. I can’t get with the program. Sadly, even though therapy and treatment make disability seem invisible, it is not. And that reality greets me daily. It’s the reminded that doesn’t cease. And that is acceptance right there. 

I’m learning that people can be good, and still disappoint you. I’m realizing people don’t want truth. After Sunday’s sermon on self-denial where I cried, but I paid attention. You may not like me after this post. I need to be free more than I need to be liked. Never thought, I’d say that. Another thing is:  I’m doing things I swore I’d never do. Don’t tell God what you won’t do. You will end up doing it anyway.