Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Brutal honesty

This may be one of the most painful posts, I have ever written.  I have been struggling with taking life as it comes.  I want instant gratification.  I want everything on a silver platter or so it seems.  I want the guy to want me like I want him.  I want Paris on the private plane.  I read on Jessica's blog about contentment, and all I can think is that I don't have it.  Or it comes in spurts.  I am riddled with anxiety about finding the male of my dreams, and fulfilling all the desires of my heart.  I wonder about my faith, and how it waves like the ocean until Jesus calmed the seas.  I am trying to not delete every word.  The perfectionist in me is alive and well.  I am trying to reclaim the me I knew three months ago.  They say God doesn't give us anymore than we can handle.  I am starting to doubt that.  That statement might be sacrilege.  Right now, i am trying to follow the advice in "Finding Forrester" which goes something like this:  Don't think, punch the f---ing keys.
so right now i am punching the keys pardon the pun...i don't think i will proofread for fear i might just scrap this entire post...i have deleted entire posts at least twice because i didn't like them...then hated myself....if they say you are close to your destiny when the devil works overtime...then maybe i am close...i don't want to jinx it...you can't jinx God though.  I am scared...to think i might be scared of success more than failure...is a concept hard to grasp....my ISFP self is in overdrive....i wish i had a switch to turn this damn brain off....sorry for the language...another thing i do to much....the doormat I am...the first part of the problem is admitting you have one....my problem and I admit it:  if there could be a fear for anything i could find a rational explanation to find it.  I am anxious pure and simple.  My stepdad really my dad told me I could write a bestseller with all this anxiety I am having.  If that's so the private plane to Paris may be a reality.  Maybe the groom too...who knows...
Praying i have the courage to press publish...
here we go
r

4 comments:

  1. like i'm reading one of my posts... :) at least one of my old posts...
    try to relax and have faith that everything will just be ok. i know it sounds like a bullshit, but it's easier to believe in that.
    xx
    http://littlemisstwiggy.blogspot.com/2013/11/happy-birthday-mrhandsome.html

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  2. When you hit bottom the only way is up. Take a deep breath, envision how you want life to be and start making plans. You don't need a man to make you happy! You need to believe in yourself. Set your goals so they are achievable. We all want to write a bestseller and go to Paris. Will we? Seems doubtful. But we can surround ourselves with supportive people, set small, daily goals to make ourselves happy ( believe me, it is the little things that count), and take the first step. I wish you luck. xo Karen

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  3. Hang in there! Sometimes just writing it down is great therapy.

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  4. Thanks for sharing us your heart that some of us may praying for you to encourage each other. I found myself like this sometimes and so hard to trusting in God bur when our heart loves Him we will trust Him no matter what. So keep focus and stay close to Him. Everything happen for a reason we just don't find some reasons :)

    Will be praying for you my friend.
    Blessing,
    Delvalina

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