Doctor and what love is

Yesterday, I got my pump refilled. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it taught me something. God sometimes desires me to be uncomfortable so I can help others. I still, even after eleven years of publicly sharing my heart and baring my soul doubt. I still complain. My life would be easier with more dollars to my name, less bodily aches, more friends. I could have a hissy fit for days. Does the hissy fit change my problem. No. It just makes me mentally pained and physically exhausted. It’s taking a God-sized miracle every day not to worry. Not be fearful. Not to question. Not to doubt. At the appointment, I had to put my hesitation away to ease others. Did I want to?  Not really. In easing others’ fears, I eased my own. Being brave is a choice. When one of you called me a warrior for simply choosing to live life. I disagreed with you internally. Then, I realized, how wrong I was. Being selfless even in your own pain is a new thing for me. Or maybe just the outward acknowledgement of it. 

If you’re led, please pray for me. What you pray for me to have is for you to decide. Surprise me. Shack me. I no longer know what to pray for with my selfish desires coming into play. 

Love yourself and one another

Eleven

 Eleven years

Feels like forever

Yet no time 

At all

What I’ve learned

Is I will always learn

That I don’t know

It all

Lord,

I don’t know how many more years, You will bless me with this gift. I don’t know how much more I have to share. I will continue as long as You determine I need to continue. Thank you for the gift that keeps giving me life. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Begins

 Releasing my fear

My uncertainty

For how

It will work

Is when

My will

And worry

Must end

So faith

Begins

Without doubt

Love

 Trust

And change

May I believe

And see

The proof

Of you love

Lord

 Lord,

You have my attention. After forty years, I’m listening and acting. I am cleaning up what I feed my mind. It feels so good. Forty. The year I’m learning I can no longer do the same things expecting different results.  Insanity no longer serves me. Be brave, be sane and expect to be pleasantly surprised. Thank you Lord for blessing me beyond compare. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Joy

 Share your joy today

I can’t change the sadness in the world, but I can share my joy. Yesterday, I took a long walk. I enjoyed the wind in face, the sweat lining my top. I enjoyed the warm weather. I enjoyed just marveling at little miracles. It was a miracle that I now find solace in movement. Every day is nature is a good day. 

Tell me your joy?

Growth

 Growth

Occurs 

When 

Silence

And Stillness

Meet

Awaits

 Lord,

Singing out as the gospel music wraps around my being bringing joy. Making a change to what feeds this body. Letting light surround and be the amplifier. Choosing joy is a daily battle, but one I know await. Trusting you to guard all of me. I’m not yet strong enough to handle all that wars for my attention. For today, starting it out, just right. 

Let me be beauty

In the ugliness

That pervades

My surroundings

Learning to drink

In the 

Living water

That is readily available

For me 

To taste

Be still

And know

Takes on

New meaning

With each moment

That graces

My jeweled fingers

Love

 Today’s post is a lesson. It never ceases to amaze me how He uses you dear friends to minister to me, and teach me at the same time. One of you lovely souls emailed me to say I would receive something in the mail yesterday. And I took that statement to be truth. I took it to the bank, and cashed it, before I received it. I did receive it yesterday, and this person made my day, my week. 

All this to say, what if I took God’s Word, His promises to the bank and cashed them before I received it. He delivers. He does it when He wants, not mine. What this friend taught me yesterday was something I don’t want to forget. 

People can be good. Decent. Better than expected. 

I’m always surprised by how much I’m loved. Maybe I shouldn’t be. 

Loving myself is hard, but a worthwhile pursuit. 

Crying tears of gratitude not of sadness is a wonderful change. 

There will be hard days ahead. I was reminded that I’m braver than I think. As much as I loved the gift, the card was the star. 

To the one that sent me this precious reminder. Thank you. You know who you are, and I’m grateful for who You are, and the love you poured into a vessel in need of it. 

Love yourself and one another

Service

 What I feed my mind

Goes to the soul

Reaches the mouth

My tongue

Better be ready

To sing praise

Not spew rage

Learning to feed my soul carefully and purposefully. I don’t want to be angry of jealous. I want to trust that as I wait, the JOY of the Lord is mine. I hope my work done in this space is pleasing to Your service. Love yourself and one another. 

Sand

 Surround me

With the swell 

Of peace

As the waves

Lap up

Against the sand

And my toe prints

Wash away

Each time

Peace, find me

I haven’t done this in awhile, but here it goes. Some people I know need prayer in the deepest way possible. It’s not my place to say the reason, but I can say that if CP is my only diagnosis. I’m lucky. Blessed. Whatever you want to call. That’s not to say, I’ve not been reminded of my own frailty. My muscles have been worked into oblivion, but I’m grateful. Grateful for a family that loves me beyond their own lives. I have more appointments in the next few weeks, but again, grateful. 

Please

Love yourself

Enough

To see 

Your worth

Love others

Enough

To see

Theirs too

Please pray for me, my request, or how you feel led. If you pray for me, please pray that I am patient in affliction. Pray that I love myself as God does. Pray that I don’t compare myself to others. That I don’t fall prey to the trappings of this world. Contentment despite my circumstances. 

Peace be with you 

Strength

 Strength

To conquer

My own thoughts

Equip me

To thrive

In spite of

My own reservation

Is

 Going to

The places

That feed

My soul

Awaken my spirit

And cleanse

My heart

Friend

Find the spaces

Within the places

That make

Life

Worth living

And the blessing

It really is

Breathe

 Breathe in

Let me release

Stress and tension

Inhale peace

Exhale negativity

Mountains

 Mountain days

Are the best days

Where my heart

Finds peace

In the heights

Where

The clouds

Kiss eyebrows

Wind

 Smiling because 

The sun is shining

The wind

Is chasing

Away the fear

That resides

Deep within

Days

 After the past few days, I’ve been silent not because I don’t follow what is going on in the world. I’m acutely aware of it. Almost too aware. I’ve been anxious, depressed and downright angry. These feelings have not served me. I’ve learned and am still learning that if I do not have anything nice to say, it will not be uttered. Going back to kindergarten daily. I’ve realized in almost eleven years in sharing my heart, that what I share is to heal me. If it helps heal you, Praise Him. I’ve been happier since trying to limit my intake of social media. It just engenders jealously in me. Jealousy I can’t afford. I’ve realized that if I go into writing with the aim to change minds, it doesn’t work most of the time. I’m simply the instrument God may use to further His desires. When I said I need a clean heart, I meant it. I’m just wanting to be worthy of the call God has for me. When I trust Him, He works all things for my good. I have to believe that my desires haven’t been met because I lack absolute trust and surrender. It’s where my focus is right now. Love yourself and one another 

Regine

Sin

 You’ve equipped me

To learn

To love

To strive

To be 

At peace 

With self

Every day

I realize

Breathing

Is a privilege

One I’m apt

Not to

Take for granted

Count those blessings

It’s the gratitude of life

That brings joy

To every human heart

Love doesn’t have

An expiration date

What a relief

Knowing that

My status

Wealth 

Or sin

Is not

A requirement

For the

King of Kings

Lord

 Lord,

I don’t have words. Even if I did, they’d fall short. In light of this fact, I’m staying still and seeking the silence I need. The noise is overwhelming, and the bandwidth I have right now is on thin ice. Show up for Your people. Let them still see You in me despite my stillness. Be kind to yourself and others. Be the kindness most people cannot give themselves. Be the lamp, Lord. In my respite, You still work. Releasing the reins so my soul can rest. The mind needs a break from the spinning it does like a rider on a Peloton. 

Love covers a multitude of sins. Regine, love yourself, so you can properly love others. 

Need

 Lord

Guard my heart

But most of all

Guard my tongue

I’m amazed 

By some 

Of my anger

My fear

A clean heart

Is what

I most need

Joy

 With all the sadness and grief 

In the world 

Share your joy

Spread the love

Speak hope

And renew

Our minds

On the only

True comfort

We have

Share your joy today

My joy is all of you. You are the very hands and feet of Jesus for me most days. Hugs

Love yourself and each other

Lord

 Lord

Every breath

I take

Every move

I mak

May your Hand

Be behind it all

And in all

Of it

Alive today. Cozy bed. In joggers and a favorite sweater taking me back to the Vineyard today. Great memories. Great times. Times when God used my uncomfortable moments to teach me. Mistakes sometimes make the most treasured moments. Thank you Lord, for helping me still be willing to be taught. When we refuse to be teachable, the problems of life surface

Wait

 Please pray

That I share truth

Love and hope

Let my heart

Not sulk

Because I’m 

Tired of waiting

For dreams

To become reality

I have to trust

That what

You have 

For me

Is worth

The wait

Kindness

 A little kindness exercise

Pray for anyone you’d like who comments here. Compliment them. Love them. A little love your virtual neighbor. 

Love your neighbor

As yourself

For God delights

In a kindness

That His children

Display

Without need

For reward

Or personal recognition

Understand

 I was listening to a song, and there was a line that got me. “There is beauty in what I can’t understand”. Not much of my life have I found this to be true for me. I’ve never understood my own life. I’ve always wanted to understand. The thing is:  I still don’t. After these few words, maybe this is one pursuit that needs a permanent hiatus. As much as I complain, my life is good. So very good. Excellent even. I must say I’ve always sought an answer. Desired one. Craved it as much as my next breath. This is going to be one habit that needs to be broken. My need for the why has left me cranky, utterly miserable and unable to enjoy the moment. Fixing my issues requires tough love. A love others tried to give, but I soundly rejected. I want this for me in this moment. Knowing that I may not understand much of this life, I’m determined to find its beauty. 

Love yourself and each other

Regine

Lord

 Lord,

Pulling out all the stops

Surrender comes

When you’re too tired

To fight your own self

Fighting rest

I rested

Fighting sleep

I slept

Fighting my health

More doctors’ appointments

Right now

I acquiesce 

It’s just easier

The irony is

I accept more

Because physical relief

And mental peace 

Mean more

Than the riches

Of this world

Wisdom comes

When surrender appears

No matter how it comes

Is not my concern

I’m just glad

It’s come

To my door

Gratitude

 Gratitude

This past week has been one for the books for my tolerance of physical pain and mental anguish. Meeting the living world again is a gift. It’s a gift I often forget. Yesterday walking the streets of uptown was something I didn’t realize I needed. I was fully present. Most days I walk around oblivious. Oblivious to my surroundings. I’m often lost in my thoughts. Often in what I don’t have. And yesterday as I opened the door of my coffee shop, I ordered ice water. As I sat to enjoy my water, some thoughts came to mind. As much as I enjoy the coffee, I crave the atmosphere. From the barista, who knows my name, and always asks if I need help. I watch the regulars. I watch the newbies. I watch it all. And it gives me peace and a joy made for me. I observe the fashion statements. The striped tee and cardigan, to the young lady dressed for a night at a disco. The mother who put on some rouge to look presentable, and bask in needed caffeine and commiseration. I’ve found when one is grateful, you will find joy in anything and everything. 

What are you grateful for today?

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

Enigma

 Today I continue to rest 

In the stillness

Of a small voice

That gives permission

To bask in

The glow

Of grace

And marvel

At the mercy

Lovingly garnishing

My feet

As you continue

To wash me clean

And plant

A sweet kiss

On the cheek

Looking up

At me

And saying

The more

You worry

The more

Haste is made

Because I want

To give 

The world to You

It’s when you fret

I can see trust

Is not there

Your dreams

Require a desire

To believe

I make impossibility 

Happen for you

A person

Most others

Find a 

Complicated enigma

Sunday prayer

 Lord,

These letters continue. And they continue because I’m a human wholly in need of You. I need You to be at the center of who I am. I don’t like who I am without You. I’m a selfish and impatient sort who wants what others have. With You, You remind me that I am not what I feel. You remind me to trust You even if I don’t understand why. You remind me not to ask why. Why leads to a resentment I can’t carry. These past few days have been exhausting. My body has needed rest. It demanded it. Physically I have resisted rest. Mentally, I’ve done the same. God stepped in once again. For the first time, the whole of me let rest call the shots. The best decision ever. 

Pray that

I may trust

You 

To be

The anchor

That holds

My feet

Firmly rooted

Planted

So I can bloom

When ready

Pray for me. Trying to rid myself of worldly desires is harder than I thought. Thank you