Monday, October 31, 2016

Four years

Four years of blogging. It is a gift for which I'm grateful. I am thankful for what started as a way to vent my frustrations has become so much more. I'm grateful. Thank you.


Favorite Halloween memory?

Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday fun

Glamour or Self
Graham crack or saltine
Salt or Sugar
Coffee or chai
Tamarind or cumin

Wednesday, October 26, 2016


With the election ever approaching, I am nervous.  I can't watch the news.  Facebook is unbearable.  I know I'm to have faith in Christ, and I'm clinging to it because humanity leaves me...mad.  Cerebral Palsy has given me empathy, and sometimes I wish I had the nerve to say what I felt without feeling guilty if I've hurt your feelings.  I know God will take care of me, but I worry for others.  Maybe I shouldn't care.  Maybe I should take care of myself, and say f*** you to the rest.  It's the Trump playbook.  Give me your huddled masses needn't apply.  Maybe we should all pray for a silver spoon or be born normal.  No need to worry about the future, or who wants to get over on you.  I'm angry and hurt.  We talk about praying in schools, yet we don't display Christian love there.  Bullying and suicide attempts.  What if we displayed decency.  The most basic fundamental.  Being decent displays a love that speaks volumes.  Christ is decent.  Christ is good.  Christ is great.  Bullying didn't get me because I have siblings who defend my value.  Some do not.  Christ implores us to defend the less fortunate.  Do we?  My heart hurts because I see a nation buckling to self-will rather the good of all.
My goal today is to be kind to one another.  Smile or give a compliment.  My friend Carrie has a great sense of self.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Getting to know you

Do you ski?
Favorite bath product?
Cookie or cake?
Europe or Asia?
Golf or tennis?
Dress or pant?
Italian or Mexican?
Chinese or American?

Sunday, October 23, 2016


After today's sermon at church, I'm realizing several things.  I realize that I still need pruning.  I still need guidance.  I still need teaching.  I realize my selfish desires.  I realize my need for a Savior.  I realize that my need for communion with God is great.  I realize my flaws, and those are the ones I need to work on.  My life is not to make judgment on yours.  I am grateful for God and His love for me.  I realize you cannot change the circumstances of your birth, you just have to let it be a blessing to others.  CP shapes my view.  My fight is bigger than me.  I'm proud that I'm still fighting, that's the battle.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Friday fun

Candy corn or Candy bar
People or animals
Movie or music
Hallmark or HSN
British or Australian

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Tuesday, October 18, 2016


Sometimes, I get mired in quicksand.  I worry, and I know it's a sin.  It is the hardest sin for me.  I worry about what to eat.  I hate food most days.  I eat to live, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't.  Acceptance is not a nice friend right now.  Honestly, I don't wait or like to.  I expect my body to listen.  Not happening.  I am not sated with my body.  Satisfied or content, I'm not sure.  I don't know who I fight more.  I am trying to be more positive.  That is a work in progress.   I don't know what I'm fighting more:  the answer or the outcome.  It's almost four years of this journey.  I don't know what else to call it.  I wonder if I still have anything left to say.  If it's worthy.  Then we get to numbers, but it's not that or is it.  The number feeds my ego.  Thinking you have made it, and then come to find out you make it daily.
This may not be popular, but here it is.  I have discussed politics because if I don't say something, no one else will.  It is isolating, frustrating, and wonder if it matters.  I didn't ask for this, did God give me more than I can handle?  Ask Him.  The fact is humanity has left me in a quandary.  Does Disability disqualify me.  Or does it give me a look into the world nobody wants to be?  Sometimes positive is saying yes to a reality you didn't choose.
In 33 years, some days fight is a word I fight.  I go down the hole of no return.
I fight battles I want for no one.
God Bless,

Grocery store

What is something you always buy at the grocery store?

Monday, October 17, 2016


In this season of everything I wish wasn't, I look to You to restore my brokenness. I do work best that way.  Don't restore my faith in humanity, strengthen me in You.   When I'm not in you, I know it. Love me like you do. I think of You in that Assisi church then and now, and realize what a blessing it is to be Yours, fully Yours.   I know my purpose, and sometimes I want to vehemtly deny it, but I can't.   Thank you Lord for that Assisi church that gave me awestruck feelings and still leaves me speechless.


How did you splurge today?

Introduce yourself

Introduce yourself.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Friday fun

Fun or sun
Rhyme or reason
Logic or faith
Sun or rain
Mountain or beach


Twenty-five days:
of nasty political crassness
of sides
of factions
of hate

In this election cycle I have question what it is to be a Christian.  I have always wonderful why one party is labeled the party of Christian conservatives.  I have never understood why any other party be Christian.  It's a false narrative.  When I label me, I label you.  I just want to lead a life pleasing to Him.  Your judgement matters not.  Jesus does label us conservative or liberal.  He just knows we're sinners in need of Him.  I no longer believe in lesser of two evils.  Evil is evil.  Sin is sin.  Love.d

Thursday, October 13, 2016

The things we don't say

I have to say I'm shocked.  Maybe I've been too sheltered or naive to know when blatant racism occurs.  People will leave you shocked and shattered.  I didn't want to believe I could see racism right in front of me.  I never knew going into to Lowe's would land into Obama bashing and having a Trump-fest, when all that was sought was a light bulb.  For those loving on Trump,how  can you say  don't support the man, support the stance.  That doesn't apply.  He was a Democrat for years.  I don't really know if he opposes it.  Donald Trump has made it known he doesn't appreciate women, the disabled or anybody who is not like him.  White, rich and entitled.  If you think he speaks for you, I hope for your sake, you're right.  God help us if you're not.  Nobody likes history, because it doesn't matter, but think again.  When I decided to get my head out my ass, and follow my own advice again, My heart could have empathy.  My Southern friends, Hillbilly Elegy should be required reading.  Facebook and blogs are not reading, though I wouldn't mind if you kept reading.  I am seeing America through a lens I never thought I would.  It's sad, yes, but change can be made.
Will you and I do just that?


Favorite Thanksgiving meal?


Meditating on Scripture today. The state of American politics leaves me where if I can't be nice, I won't say a word because silence says more than divisive words ever could.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


what do you splurge on?

Dear Christian

Dear Christian brother and sister,
Do you realize that we have let one man divide us, tear us in two.  We are as the body of Christ supposed to seek unison not division.  I can't make judgements on this man.  It is not my job, but I can't not say it's tempting.  I can't worry about tomorrow, but I do.  Part of me wishes this were not real because this man is doing the most heinous things, trying to have discord among believers of Christ, the one man who can save us all if we want it.
Let me say, I used to love politics, until I saw what it could do not used properly.
God Bless our souls.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

No fruit

If my life doesn't start and end with Jesus, I need to stop and reevaluate.  If my life doesn't show the Love of Jesus, I'm failing to do my job.  If you can't see Jesus in me, I've failed.  For me, America is not it's greatest because we've failed to love as He loves us.  We've failed to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  We've failed to humble ourselves.  We've increased while Jesus has decreased.  Our wants have increased, and our desire to help others have decreased.  What if the only thing I really wanted was Jesus could I be happy, content and joyous.  Could the living water keep me quenched.  Could He keep me sated.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Who God made me

Some days are better than others.  It's not what I want, but I'm grateful for today.  I'm grateful.  The blessings overwhelm me.  I just want to be who God made me.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

The kettle is black

My heart hurts folks.  It is pained.  I may bash Donald Trump, but truth is he needs the world to pray for him.  Hillary Clinton needs them too.  I must speak on this though.  Forgiveness goes both ways.  There are some ready to forgive Donald Trump, but give Hillary Clinton the heave ho.  We all need forgiveness.  What if God worked that way.  Jesus forgives you, but not me, he finds you too deplorable per Hillary's word.  She offended his base, but he offends me.  Instead, per a wise man's words provoke you, not offend you.  I once had a friend tell if my writing is not offending you, I'm not doing my job, but let me borrow the wise man's words.  Let me provoke you.  Who deserves forgiveness or grace or mercy?  If man had his way none of us, but God through His Son Jesus willing gave and still gives us these in abundance.  I expect this from the unsaved, but my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, no.  This is an indictment on myself too, I just don't get anymore.  We aren't supposed to cast the first stone, but we do it anyway.  I realize we all have racism and prejudices in us.  And we can't accept that fact.  Until we accept that fact, we can fix the problem.  We are to be the light not extinguish it.

"Broken to be used"

There are some days when your soul just sings,  You see God as the Only Authority.  When I started getting real and being honest God has blessed me.  On Halloween, it will be four years of this blogging journey.  For about a year and a half, I didn't want to share my fear, my worry.  Who wanted to read about one broken girl who was saved by Jesus, but living as if I didn't know.  I found no joy in my misery.  I felt as if I should give up on Paris, myself, all of it, but I couldn't.  When you are disabled, you are not your own.  You are an investment to which many contribute.  Not capitalizing on investment is not something you take lightly.
Two things I've thought long on.
I've known my purpose for so long and denied it, until God had to to give me the kind of sign only hardheads can't see.
The truth must be painful to see me free.
Today our guest speaker said something that broke me.  "You must be broken to be used"  Amen.
Thank you Reverend Harling for allowing God to use you to minister to my broken everything.  Thank you to Dr. Blake Harwell for pointing out the obvious.  And to Lauren Blind, for leading me to the one who saved my soul.  Jesus, if I could love people like you love me there may be be hope for the 7 billion.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Wednesday, October 5, 2016


Last night I went to a painting party.  I enjoyed it immensely.  I realized that habits are hard to break.  I kept critiquing myself about how my painting wasn't perfect.  Nothing we humans ever do will be perfect.  It's just a fact of life.  Accepting our life and reality may be hard, but it's necessary or we may never find happiness.  Or joy or contentment.  When I look at my painting today, I love the imperfection because I made it.  And when imperfection meets imperfection that equals perfection.  I want to find joy in my circumstance, because I need to believe that God did not fail when He made me.  I need to accept a decision that changed my world.  I can accept the small victory in that last night I asked for help for what I could not do.  Small steps.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Christmas shopping

Have you started Christmas shopping?


I'm learning that your purpose may not be the one you wanted, but the one God wanted you to have.  I see my purpose clearly, I just didn't want it.  I wanted something more glamorous, and not an iota of pain.  My purpose doesn't garner red carpets.  It demands a revocation of pride.  It's requiring me to put all my wants aside.  I have a lot of wants.  I'm being refined, and it hurts.  Humility is painful.  When dying to self becomes a joy, I will appreciate humility.  The Casting Crowns song "Just be Held" says there is freedom in surrender, but I wonder is total surrender is ever possible for me.  Is surrender a good thing?  I stopped asking questions because I knew I didn't want the answer, or I didn't want an answer that would cause more questions than the question itself.  Is surrender when you just stop trying?  Is that a bad thing?  I stopped asking because I've always known that the questions I have have no right or wrong answer.  And it's not a type of question I like.  Folks, when you have to lower expectations of others and self, you will be free.  Surrender is freedom indeed.


Favorite fall decor?

Monday, October 3, 2016


This is painful.  Years of deceit have left me teary-eyed right now.  I deceived myself and others into believing a myth I so wanted to be truth.  The pursuit of normal has only left me reeling.  The pursuit of normal has been the lie I couldn't quit until I no longer had to energy to prove otherwise.  I realize that I will always eat Paleo.  My stomach decides that, because my mind can't handle anything less than harmony.  In the end, I can't control my stomach, but I can do all can to see that's it's happy.  As with food, my gut hates my anxiety and I can't worry about how many times I go a day.  The pursuit of normal has led to apologize for and hate who God made me.  The last thing I wanted to be is special.  Special being code word for different.  The pursuit of normal has led to me having to tell you what task I can complete physically, but intellectually as well.  That hurts folks.  I'm learning that my body reacts to drastic change in not nice ways some days.  My life tells me that dependence is not a business model for success.  It's a roller coaster of small victories and maybe larger defeats.  I have to be thankful, because for all my pain, if God can show you the purpose.  Go on.  I may go to Monaco one day, and yet not race Formula 1.  The point is Monaco represents the journey and Formula 1 is the destination.  My health dictates that Monaco is what matters.  The truth hurts because it's means something.  No wonder Jesus said "I AM the way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to the Father but by me.  The Jew who was nailed to the Cross, saves my life, my soul and so much more.


Since when is not paying taxes something to aspire to?  Since when is being a bully something to aspire to?  I don't care if it's legal.  It becomes a moral issue. I now understand why the Bible warns about the love of money. Once you have it, you never have enough. When is enough?  God help us all if this is what we've become.


Favorite lipstick?

Thank you

Thank you for loving me.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Double standard

Romney once had a statement that said 47 percent of Americans didn't pay their taxes. According to a Mother Jones article the 47 percent were "freeloaders" and "irresponsible".   Mr. Trump it was just revealed lost almost a billion dollars. That's some countries GDP.   Romney lost an election over this. We had a fit because a rich man blasted poor people, yet when another rich man admits he's "smart" for not paying them, we applaud him. Is the difference that Romney was a nice man, and Trump is well not so nice?  Where's the outcry?  Trump may win the election, but not much else.