Pain

This is painful.  Years of deceit have left me teary-eyed right now.  I deceived myself and others into believing a myth I so wanted to be truth.  The pursuit of normal has only left me reeling.  The pursuit of normal has been the lie I couldn't quit until I no longer had to energy to prove otherwise.  I realize that I will always eat Paleo.  My stomach decides that, because my mind can't handle anything less than harmony.  In the end, I can't control my stomach, but I can do all can to see that's it's happy.  As with food, my gut hates my anxiety and I can't worry about how many times I go a day.  The pursuit of normal has led to apologize for and hate who God made me.  The last thing I wanted to be is special.  Special being code word for different.  The pursuit of normal has led to me having to tell you what task I can complete physically, but intellectually as well.  That hurts folks.  I'm learning that my body reacts to drastic change in not nice ways some days.  My life tells me that dependence is not a business model for success.  It's a roller coaster of small victories and maybe larger defeats.  I have to be thankful, because for all my pain, if God can show you the purpose.  Go on.  I may go to Monaco one day, and yet not race Formula 1.  The point is Monaco represents the journey and Formula 1 is the destination.  My health dictates that Monaco is what matters.  The truth hurts because it's means something.  No wonder Jesus said "I AM the way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to the Father but by me.  The Jew who was nailed to the Cross, saves my life, my soul and so much more.