Pride

 Today’s lesson

No matter 

How much

We don’t 

Want to

Ask for 

Help

Help

Is what

You get

When you

Get tired

Of battling

Your pride

Are

 Shine on me

Smile at me

Send me

A sign

That wherever 

I am

So are you

Questions

 What are you loving?

What are you eating?

What are you buying?

What is making you smile?

What is on your heart?

You and me

 Peace 

Come 

And make

Yourself present 

In my heart 

Set me free

From the bondage 

Of my pain 

And discomfort 

Joy

 Dancing

To my own beat

Reveling 

In my

Own joy

Because

It feels good

To do

Just that

Today

Salt water

 Salt water

Burn 

Clarify 

Refresh

Leave me

Grateful for 

Temporary discomfort

Where the end product

Is a cleansed rejuvenation

Worship

 In 

Out

In 

Out

Finding clarity

In silence

Where

Mind is emptied

And worship

Is enacted

🎄

 Sipping

On sweet tea

And sunshine 

In my mind 

The December doldrums 

Drowned out

By a soulful song

And a colorful 

Christmas tree

dark

 This week has been tough. I won’t lie. I’ve had to purposely list my gratitude even if it just is expelling of breath. God is telling me that my job isn’t to understand, but to trust. Trust that my time is coming for the dreams of my heart to become a reality. Preparation is rough. He has to know what He’s doing, because I’m in the dark. 

Pray my soul and will are in alignment. 

Thank you. 

Love yourself and one another

Heart

 What is on your heart today?

Prayers or praises?

Rest

 Today is a day of rest for me. 

Things I’m loving

Sweetgreen

Souvenirs

Baseball caps

Yours?

Face

 Cerebral Palsy. I’m learning not to hate you. After getting news that the world may never have answers for how you affect my body, I’m learning to let go. God gave me answer. I didn’t like it, but it gave me peace nonetheless. I’m making peace with not knowing. God works best when I don’t have answers. I have more appointments upcoming, but I’m okay with that. I will be forever grateful for the doctor who told me to go on vacation. I was told to enjoy life no matter what my body may decide to do. So I go forth with living because it’s the only option I have. I know I’m blessed, but to be told I bless others is the best compliment. I sincerely hope I do just that, and that His glory is reveled in me. 

Thank you

For equipping me

For a battle

I didn’t know

I needed

To face

Learn

 Things I’m learning

You can’t please the world, and be happy

No one knows the extent of your battles

The greatest gift I can give myself is freedom

Freedom and disability are not mutually exclusive. When the latter allows the former, it is to be seized. 

I will not apologize for living. It’s time I did it fully and abundantly. 

Guilt has riddled my soul for years. I’m finally articulating my needs. It feels good. Forty and finally speaking my truth. 

My body handcuffs me most days, so with good days, I take them. 

I’m proud of what last week taught me about myself. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

I have to remember that not everyone will understand your decisions and champion them, and that’s okay. 

Love yourself and one another

My way

 Thriving by choice

Because I must

Believe

That I’m capable

To overcome

What comes

My way

DC dispatch

 What DC taught me

I am strong. I’m resilient. In a week I walked about 30 miles. I rode public transit. I let people help me. I accepted the kindness of others. I sought to love others. I sought to love myself. I asked questions even if I felt stupid doing it. I loved getting to know people. Every day was a possibility for a story. For the first time, each day I was writing my own. I sought God in nature daily. I enjoyed being anonymous. 

In Your presence 

I’m well known

When the world

Outside

Knows not 

My name

Writing my story

With each breathe

I take in

And promptly

Release

DC

 I’m back from a girls’ trip to Washington DC. It was a wonderful time of rest and discovery. You never know what you need until you get it. Adding to the memory bank. I’m glad to be home in front of the fire with my Christmas tree as I reflect and gather my thoughts. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Five

 Blissfully unaware 

Of the blessings 

Until I’m shown

That those

Are what make

Life worth 

Every tear

Savor

Five letters 

That have 

Taken on

A new meaning 

Entirely 

Thanks

 Sending a little love 

A lot of thanks 

For all of you

Who give me

Love so abundantly 

Only One

 As I let

My surroundings 

Envelop me

I’m taking 

The time 

To observe 

What peace

Can be

As I simply 

Become one

With the One

Who formed me

Rest

 Spending the next few days resetting my mind. I’m enjoying long walks and leisurely eating. I’m savoring food. Savoring life. The sights and sounds. I’m finding nature is the elixir for my soul. I’m finding that life away from the many screens of life is good. Life doesn’t have to be glamorous to be great. I’m enjoying anonymity for a bit. This week I want no answers. No questions. Being still in my skin. I’ve walked more in these past few days, and my body has never been more tired, yet more fulfilled. The braces have held my body up.  And God is giving me peace as I rest. I’m not saying every day that life won’t throw punches, but for me tonight, I’m just grateful for a brain quietly granting me with a genuine sense of serenity. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine 

Yes

 God,

It’s me here. Nervous and excited. You know the reason. Please be with me. Guard me. Armor me with your peace, your hope, your joy and your strength. Stay with me. Remain with me. With you, I’m safe. I’m equipped to be still and know

Love me

With all

That you are

So I able

To do 

The same

Yes

 Release me

From every fear

Every smear

Every little lie 

I believe 

And grace me

With the will 

To do Yours

Medicine

 Today I go to a doctor I’ve never seen before. Yes, I’m nervous, but it is necessary I go. Letting go is one of the hardest things I do on a daily basis. Letting God be in control, and giving up what I’ve thought my life should look like is the hardest things I’ve done. Honestly, my brain is a jumble of thoughts I have yet to unpack. I’ve never wanted to really. I’m too scared of what I may find. Will the answer give me peace or why did I spend years asking. This statement is the place I find myself. Will the answer serve to propel me or drive me in reverse. I shouldn’t apologize, but this post is a summation of my thoughts for awhile. If you can follow, God Bless you.  

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

Commercial

 I saw a commercial this morning and its tagline said “Control means everything to me”. I understood the context in relation to the message conveyed by the commercial, but I still had to laugh. My pursuit of control has left me miserable and angry. My therapist is always reminding me to be careful what you wish for. I’ve sought control for as long as my brain could grasp the concept. Control does not give me answers, it robs me of peace. It has been suggested I pray for peace for myself. It’s a work in progress. I usually think to pray as I am under the warm spray. Perfect I am not, but it is a miracle I’m actually starting to listen. 

A lot of you are older than me. Share your wisdom. Please. And if you feel led please pray that I find peace, however God decides it looks for me. 

Thank you.

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Renovation

 Body is stretched

Mind is relaxed

Those endorphins

Do a body good

Worship is on

My parted lips

Restoration

For a softening heart

And calmer soul

Is my newest endeavor

Roll into quiet reflection

Peace that defies rules

And a joy

That seeps

Into every crack

Any crevice

The potholes

That humans despise

Because the unsavory 

Your children see 

With their eyes

Is your next

Master class

In renovation

Cashmere

 Dreaming of 

A white 

Silky snow

The cold

Brushing

The cheekbones

A natural rouge

Grace my body

With strength

My mind

Peace

Heart

With unrelenting hope

And my being

With infinite mercy

And possibilities

Draped in linen

And cashmere

Wrapped in coziness

And contented glee

Knowing

The desires

I seek 

Are within grasp

When aligned

With the Father’s will

God’s love

Lord,

Not every day will be sunshine and roses. Rainbows and hearts. Some days, I will revert to unhelpful habits. I will need to be reined in from my impending insanity. I’m having to welcome the maelstrom of the mind. The storm for me is as necessary as air most days. I’m being sharpened in the process of becoming one with self and my Savior. Suffering for you and with you is not something I ever thought I’d welcome. You want me to feel, examine and explore. Feel it all. Examine what makes my heart beat. Explore what drives the passion of the soul. 

Pain

My worst enemy

Not so much 

It brings me

Closer

To the heart

Of the Father

Where He accepts

Total surrender

With a happy sigh

For the child

Realizes

That not a thing

Can happen

Without the

Parental approval

Dependence

Surrender

Acceptance

The trifecta

That leads

To independence

Love

Four letters

One word

That embodies another

GOD

Mix

 God,

I feel like these letters are a daily occurrence. You are using my flaws to increase my dependence on You. You don’t want me to satisfy my flesh with worldly desires. You want all of me, all the time. Yesterday, I had a therapy session. I believe therapy is working for me because I’m willing to receive tough love. I’m able to receive constructive criticism. I’m willing and able. In the past, I was too combative. Therapy only works when I’m an active participant in my own healing. Doubt and worry still ravage my soul, but not as often so I will take the victory. Let my soul take comfort in not having all the answers. Right now, I’m searching my heart to cleanse it. Make it worthy of who You are. 

Let my life

Be a representation

That brokenness

Can be made whole

When truth

And authenticity 

Mix

Golden

 Golden silence 

Peaceful repose

Where the noise

Is not a distraction 

For The

All knowing 

One

Friday

 How has you week been?

What’s on your heart?

What is making you smile?

Victory

 Who knew

It would

Be a blessing

To learn

The hard way

Stability

The little 

Black dress

Of the wardrobe

It feels good

To be classic

Sturdy and steady

Hit the gas

Rev it up

Smile because

Your joy

Has been

A hard fought battle

Whose victory

Is a long time coming

Sunny

 Sunny days

In November

What a gift

The pleasures

Of nature

Is mine

For enjoying

Today

Broken souls

 God,

What are you doing to me?  Metamorphosis is happening. Anger occurs. You show up to show me what serves me. Anger is leaving me quicker these days. Acceptance is getting to be easier to swallow. I’m admitting when others are right. This one right here used to sting worse than a thousand bees. When I want to isolate, you aren’t giving in. You continue to shower me with what I need, not what I want. I’m finding what I want is not what I need most. What I need is what You are giving me. A love that is not transactional. A love that doesn’t need to be reciprocated. A love that is not dependent on external forces. You are loving me without preamble. You are loving me deeper when I am honest and broken. Broken souls make the best vessels. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Yes

 God

You knew

You know

What I’m needing

Before 

My mouth opens

The way

You love

Renders me

Speechless

And humbled

When you make

What I can’t stand

Into something

I can’t live without

Love yourself and one another

Braces

 This day I may be getting new leg braces, and I’m nervously excited. Growth is being grateful for things you once despised. I’m looking forward to stability. Stability is underrated. Form and function at the same time. I used to want to wear Blahniks, Choos and Louboutins. The shoes of the sleek and chic. Braces are not sexy, but falling isn’t either. Maybe the journey is to make braces the must-have accessory.  A girl can believe it. Maybe. Here’s to far fetched dreams. I’m writing this to remind myself that I may have growing pains. They’re expected. Usually, I don’t respond well. So maybe I need to treat braces like the fancy footwear they are. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

Bring

 Cold outside

Warm inside

Breakfast is cooking

And my heart

Could burst

At the joy

Simplicity

Can bring

Gratitude

 Gratitude list

You all continue to lavish me with all the love and support. I can never thank you enough. 

Fireplace time. I love a good warm fire warming me up. 

The cutest fur babies. 

Leftovers

Tell me yours?

Gratitude

 Lord,

I don’t understand the purpose for what I’m going through. I’m having to trust what I don’t know. I’m scared. I know you’re with me. For that I’m grateful. Thank you in advance. 

Gratitude

Will be 

On my lips

No matter what

Love yourself and one another. 

Doctor and what love is

Yesterday, I got my pump refilled. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it taught me something. God sometimes desires me to be uncomfortable so I can help others. I still, even after eleven years of publicly sharing my heart and baring my soul doubt. I still complain. My life would be easier with more dollars to my name, less bodily aches, more friends. I could have a hissy fit for days. Does the hissy fit change my problem. No. It just makes me mentally pained and physically exhausted. It’s taking a God-sized miracle every day not to worry. Not be fearful. Not to question. Not to doubt. At the appointment, I had to put my hesitation away to ease others. Did I want to?  Not really. In easing others’ fears, I eased my own. Being brave is a choice. When one of you called me a warrior for simply choosing to live life. I disagreed with you internally. Then, I realized, how wrong I was. Being selfless even in your own pain is a new thing for me. Or maybe just the outward acknowledgement of it. 

If you’re led, please pray for me. What you pray for me to have is for you to decide. Surprise me. Shack me. I no longer know what to pray for with my selfish desires coming into play. 

Love yourself and one another

Eleven

 Eleven years

Feels like forever

Yet no time 

At all

What I’ve learned

Is I will always learn

That I don’t know

It all

Lord,

I don’t know how many more years, You will bless me with this gift. I don’t know how much more I have to share. I will continue as long as You determine I need to continue. Thank you for the gift that keeps giving me life. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Begins

 Releasing my fear

My uncertainty

For how

It will work

Is when

My will

And worry

Must end

So faith

Begins

Without doubt

Love

 Trust

And change

May I believe

And see

The proof

Of you love

Lord

 Lord,

You have my attention. After forty years, I’m listening and acting. I am cleaning up what I feed my mind. It feels so good. Forty. The year I’m learning I can no longer do the same things expecting different results.  Insanity no longer serves me. Be brave, be sane and expect to be pleasantly surprised. Thank you Lord for blessing me beyond compare. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Joy

 Share your joy today

I can’t change the sadness in the world, but I can share my joy. Yesterday, I took a long walk. I enjoyed the wind in face, the sweat lining my top. I enjoyed the warm weather. I enjoyed just marveling at little miracles. It was a miracle that I now find solace in movement. Every day is nature is a good day. 

Tell me your joy?

Growth

 Growth

Occurs 

When 

Silence

And Stillness

Meet

Awaits

 Lord,

Singing out as the gospel music wraps around my being bringing joy. Making a change to what feeds this body. Letting light surround and be the amplifier. Choosing joy is a daily battle, but one I know await. Trusting you to guard all of me. I’m not yet strong enough to handle all that wars for my attention. For today, starting it out, just right. 

Let me be beauty

In the ugliness

That pervades

My surroundings

Learning to drink

In the 

Living water

That is readily available

For me 

To taste

Be still

And know

Takes on

New meaning

With each moment

That graces

My jeweled fingers

Love

 Today’s post is a lesson. It never ceases to amaze me how He uses you dear friends to minister to me, and teach me at the same time. One of you lovely souls emailed me to say I would receive something in the mail yesterday. And I took that statement to be truth. I took it to the bank, and cashed it, before I received it. I did receive it yesterday, and this person made my day, my week. 

All this to say, what if I took God’s Word, His promises to the bank and cashed them before I received it. He delivers. He does it when He wants, not mine. What this friend taught me yesterday was something I don’t want to forget. 

People can be good. Decent. Better than expected. 

I’m always surprised by how much I’m loved. Maybe I shouldn’t be. 

Loving myself is hard, but a worthwhile pursuit. 

Crying tears of gratitude not of sadness is a wonderful change. 

There will be hard days ahead. I was reminded that I’m braver than I think. As much as I loved the gift, the card was the star. 

To the one that sent me this precious reminder. Thank you. You know who you are, and I’m grateful for who You are, and the love you poured into a vessel in need of it. 

Love yourself and one another

Service

 What I feed my mind

Goes to the soul

Reaches the mouth

My tongue

Better be ready

To sing praise

Not spew rage

Learning to feed my soul carefully and purposefully. I don’t want to be angry of jealous. I want to trust that as I wait, the JOY of the Lord is mine. I hope my work done in this space is pleasing to Your service. Love yourself and one another. 

Sand

 Surround me

With the swell 

Of peace

As the waves

Lap up

Against the sand

And my toe prints

Wash away

Each time

Peace, find me

I haven’t done this in awhile, but here it goes. Some people I know need prayer in the deepest way possible. It’s not my place to say the reason, but I can say that if CP is my only diagnosis. I’m lucky. Blessed. Whatever you want to call. That’s not to say, I’ve not been reminded of my own frailty. My muscles have been worked into oblivion, but I’m grateful. Grateful for a family that loves me beyond their own lives. I have more appointments in the next few weeks, but again, grateful. 

Please

Love yourself

Enough

To see 

Your worth

Love others

Enough

To see

Theirs too

Please pray for me, my request, or how you feel led. If you pray for me, please pray that I am patient in affliction. Pray that I love myself as God does. Pray that I don’t compare myself to others. That I don’t fall prey to the trappings of this world. Contentment despite my circumstances. 

Peace be with you 

Strength

 Strength

To conquer

My own thoughts

Equip me

To thrive

In spite of

My own reservation

Is

 Going to

The places

That feed

My soul

Awaken my spirit

And cleanse

My heart

Friend

Find the spaces

Within the places

That make

Life

Worth living

And the blessing

It really is

Breathe

 Breathe in

Let me release

Stress and tension

Inhale peace

Exhale negativity

Mountains

 Mountain days

Are the best days

Where my heart

Finds peace

In the heights

Where

The clouds

Kiss eyebrows

Wind

 Smiling because 

The sun is shining

The wind

Is chasing

Away the fear

That resides

Deep within

Days

 After the past few days, I’ve been silent not because I don’t follow what is going on in the world. I’m acutely aware of it. Almost too aware. I’ve been anxious, depressed and downright angry. These feelings have not served me. I’ve learned and am still learning that if I do not have anything nice to say, it will not be uttered. Going back to kindergarten daily. I’ve realized in almost eleven years in sharing my heart, that what I share is to heal me. If it helps heal you, Praise Him. I’ve been happier since trying to limit my intake of social media. It just engenders jealously in me. Jealousy I can’t afford. I’ve realized that if I go into writing with the aim to change minds, it doesn’t work most of the time. I’m simply the instrument God may use to further His desires. When I said I need a clean heart, I meant it. I’m just wanting to be worthy of the call God has for me. When I trust Him, He works all things for my good. I have to believe that my desires haven’t been met because I lack absolute trust and surrender. It’s where my focus is right now. Love yourself and one another 

Regine

Sin

 You’ve equipped me

To learn

To love

To strive

To be 

At peace 

With self

Every day

I realize

Breathing

Is a privilege

One I’m apt

Not to

Take for granted

Count those blessings

It’s the gratitude of life

That brings joy

To every human heart

Love doesn’t have

An expiration date

What a relief

Knowing that

My status

Wealth 

Or sin

Is not

A requirement

For the

King of Kings

Lord

 Lord,

I don’t have words. Even if I did, they’d fall short. In light of this fact, I’m staying still and seeking the silence I need. The noise is overwhelming, and the bandwidth I have right now is on thin ice. Show up for Your people. Let them still see You in me despite my stillness. Be kind to yourself and others. Be the kindness most people cannot give themselves. Be the lamp, Lord. In my respite, You still work. Releasing the reins so my soul can rest. The mind needs a break from the spinning it does like a rider on a Peloton. 

Love covers a multitude of sins. Regine, love yourself, so you can properly love others. 

Need

 Lord

Guard my heart

But most of all

Guard my tongue

I’m amazed 

By some 

Of my anger

My fear

A clean heart

Is what

I most need

Joy

 With all the sadness and grief 

In the world 

Share your joy

Spread the love

Speak hope

And renew

Our minds

On the only

True comfort

We have

Share your joy today

My joy is all of you. You are the very hands and feet of Jesus for me most days. Hugs

Love yourself and each other

Lord

 Lord

Every breath

I take

Every move

I mak

May your Hand

Be behind it all

And in all

Of it

Alive today. Cozy bed. In joggers and a favorite sweater taking me back to the Vineyard today. Great memories. Great times. Times when God used my uncomfortable moments to teach me. Mistakes sometimes make the most treasured moments. Thank you Lord, for helping me still be willing to be taught. When we refuse to be teachable, the problems of life surface

Wait

 Please pray

That I share truth

Love and hope

Let my heart

Not sulk

Because I’m 

Tired of waiting

For dreams

To become reality

I have to trust

That what

You have 

For me

Is worth

The wait

Kindness

 A little kindness exercise

Pray for anyone you’d like who comments here. Compliment them. Love them. A little love your virtual neighbor. 

Love your neighbor

As yourself

For God delights

In a kindness

That His children

Display

Without need

For reward

Or personal recognition

Understand

 I was listening to a song, and there was a line that got me. “There is beauty in what I can’t understand”. Not much of my life have I found this to be true for me. I’ve never understood my own life. I’ve always wanted to understand. The thing is:  I still don’t. After these few words, maybe this is one pursuit that needs a permanent hiatus. As much as I complain, my life is good. So very good. Excellent even. I must say I’ve always sought an answer. Desired one. Craved it as much as my next breath. This is going to be one habit that needs to be broken. My need for the why has left me cranky, utterly miserable and unable to enjoy the moment. Fixing my issues requires tough love. A love others tried to give, but I soundly rejected. I want this for me in this moment. Knowing that I may not understand much of this life, I’m determined to find its beauty. 

Love yourself and each other

Regine

Lord

 Lord,

Pulling out all the stops

Surrender comes

When you’re too tired

To fight your own self

Fighting rest

I rested

Fighting sleep

I slept

Fighting my health

More doctors’ appointments

Right now

I acquiesce 

It’s just easier

The irony is

I accept more

Because physical relief

And mental peace 

Mean more

Than the riches

Of this world

Wisdom comes

When surrender appears

No matter how it comes

Is not my concern

I’m just glad

It’s come

To my door

Gratitude

 Gratitude

This past week has been one for the books for my tolerance of physical pain and mental anguish. Meeting the living world again is a gift. It’s a gift I often forget. Yesterday walking the streets of uptown was something I didn’t realize I needed. I was fully present. Most days I walk around oblivious. Oblivious to my surroundings. I’m often lost in my thoughts. Often in what I don’t have. And yesterday as I opened the door of my coffee shop, I ordered ice water. As I sat to enjoy my water, some thoughts came to mind. As much as I enjoy the coffee, I crave the atmosphere. From the barista, who knows my name, and always asks if I need help. I watch the regulars. I watch the newbies. I watch it all. And it gives me peace and a joy made for me. I observe the fashion statements. The striped tee and cardigan, to the young lady dressed for a night at a disco. The mother who put on some rouge to look presentable, and bask in needed caffeine and commiseration. I’ve found when one is grateful, you will find joy in anything and everything. 

What are you grateful for today?

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

Enigma

 Today I continue to rest 

In the stillness

Of a small voice

That gives permission

To bask in

The glow

Of grace

And marvel

At the mercy

Lovingly garnishing

My feet

As you continue

To wash me clean

And plant

A sweet kiss

On the cheek

Looking up

At me

And saying

The more

You worry

The more

Haste is made

Because I want

To give 

The world to You

It’s when you fret

I can see trust

Is not there

Your dreams

Require a desire

To believe

I make impossibility 

Happen for you

A person

Most others

Find a 

Complicated enigma

Sunday prayer

 Lord,

These letters continue. And they continue because I’m a human wholly in need of You. I need You to be at the center of who I am. I don’t like who I am without You. I’m a selfish and impatient sort who wants what others have. With You, You remind me that I am not what I feel. You remind me to trust You even if I don’t understand why. You remind me not to ask why. Why leads to a resentment I can’t carry. These past few days have been exhausting. My body has needed rest. It demanded it. Physically I have resisted rest. Mentally, I’ve done the same. God stepped in once again. For the first time, the whole of me let rest call the shots. The best decision ever. 

Pray that

I may trust

You 

To be

The anchor

That holds

My feet

Firmly rooted

Planted

So I can bloom

When ready

Pray for me. Trying to rid myself of worldly desires is harder than I thought. Thank you

Friday

 Be the best 

Be the kindest

And see

The rewards 

You will receive 

Heart

 Letter to God

What I fill my mind with, my heart absorbs.  I’m not in denial of what I struggle with, I just choose not to light the flame. Part of being a part of the human experience is knowing that struggle is a given, but I refuse to add influence that aids the struggle. What I do know if that the refinement of my soul and story are in process. I’m looking squarely at my defects of character without hesitation. I’m proud I can do this today. I’ve spent years in denial. Years. What You have for me:  Prepare me. Stepping into the greatness, God. You’ve made this nobody into a somebody. Claiming victory. When I seek You with all my heart, I will be found lacking nothing, but gratitude. A gratitude I never knew was possible for me. I never truly sought to share my heart. In doing just that, I may have found it. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine 

Being

 Six A.M. workout 

Worship music rocking

Spinning in

The dark

Quiet time 

Looks so different 

These days 

I’m loving it. 

No news

No outside noise 

To pollute 

My mind

Happiness happened 

When I 

Put my joy

In something 

The world 

Decries

True rest

Within the confines 

Of my

Own being

Broken

 This morning as I was in the shower, the rain cascading down my back, I put my hands on the wall. I stopped to pray. I was overwhelmed with emotion, that in my nakedness, God was imploring me to speak. Speak to Him. Be wholly open. Be unapologetically His child. The one who isn’t afraid to honest to a fault. Is this was growth looks like. It’s breaking me. Being broken with Him isn’t a bad place to be. 

Break me

To build me

True strength 

Is releasing 

Who you

Thought 

You’d be

Before He said 

Let me

Take over

And show you

What brokenness 

Can yield

In the 

Potter’s Hands

Yes

 I’m having a realization. I don’t think I’ve been granted the desires of my heart, because what I want isn’t in line with God’s will for my life. As much as I want the glory, and therein lies the problem, I’ve been selfish in my desire.  God must be protecting me fiercely. Thank you for thinking I’m amazing. In the past, I would dispute that fact, but today I will accept the compliment. I may not think it or feel it, but I will claim it. Making an effort to change my habits. I’ve been speaking negatively about myself for years. Thanks to a therapist for digging to the roots with me. I’m not cured. I’m not sure I will ever be, but I deserve to love and be loved. Could it be: He hasn’t answered because the creation I needed to love first, is the one I struggle to look in the mirror. Forty, the year I stop bashing the one who least can afford the beating. Jesus, therapy and medicine, the elixir. The reason I still have breath today. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Preparing purpose

 Be humble

Not prideful

Let jealousy

Not permeate

Your soul

Your time

Will come

Remember

Not all that shines

Glistens

Be happy 

For others

For when

Joy is given

To others

You will also

Be measured out

A heaping portion

As well

Relish

The stillness

So preparation

Will meet you

With open arms

When you receive

Your reward

Lord

 Lord

You’re working overtime

Getting me to focus

Pay attention

Get my head

Out the clouds

I’m giving you

My eyes

Ears 

And heart

Because

I’ve been

A believer

A long time

But an active participant 

Not so much

I may give up

On self

But You remain

Staying when

I have 

Given You

Not a good reason

To do just that

Wanted

 Lord,

In my silence

Your work

Is achieved

In me

To be thanked 

For using my gift

Is the biggest blessing

And answer to prayer

One simple statement

Sent my soul ablaze

And my heart

A flutter 

Knowing 

What I do

Matters

If I’m honest

It’s all

I’ve ever wanted

24/7

 Right now 

I don’t have words

For what I’m feeling 

I’m just overwhelmed 

By love

That is poured 

Over me

Twenty 

Four 

Seven

Much like 

The baclofen

Streaming 

Into my

Spine

Love yourself and each other

Lord

 Lord,

It’s me.  The weekly sessions continue. I don’t see them stopping. I’m learning hard lessons. I don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe that’s the point. Silence is an action, I need to partake in. It’s in silence, my focus is shifted in the only direction necessary:  Yours. 

I need to run my own race. As much as I desire the journeys of others, You do not. Maybe it’s not Cerebral Palsy I need to accept. I need to accept the journey I’m on. Maybe it’s not to be well known, but to make You know. Riches and fame dwindle, but You do not ever decrease. 

I hate to write these words, but envy is the one sin I fight daily. And I will continue to fight it, until I can release it. I’m not proud of it, but to eradicate it, I must admit its presence.  

Lord

Have you way

So that mine

No longer

Strangles me

From

The inside out

Hand

 I had a brief change of scenery yesterday. My soul didn’t know how much it was needed. The wet roads leading to fogged up trees obscuring the peaks was magical. It felt like the land of enchantment only described in fairytales. The fairy tale was real yesterday, and its glory was one to bring a mere and human to tears. Sometimes, I need to be gently reminded to just look.  The rain surrounding me made a landscape feel so mysterious yet calming in the same breath. A calm mystery that didn’t need to be solved. I didn’t want to solve it, just bask in it. In the pelting drops, God was washing the weariness of the last week away in an instant. 

Seek the Face

That first sought 

Mine

Making a frown

Turn upside down

Knowing that

When the inevitable

Heaviness would return

So would His Hand

Apples

 Lord,

Another doctor, another day. It takes a village to care for a body like me. And yet, You continue to provide. I was listening to some worship music this morning. It was talking about human timelines versus His. My toes got stepped on, but it didn’t anger me like it would have in the past. I’ve been asking for something for years.  It has not been granted yet. It doesn’t mean it won’t. It means my request is not on His timeline yet. It makes perspective a bit more palatable.  The faith of my birth has a very important holiday happening now. I will observe in my own way if I feel led. The faith of my birth, and the one that saved me ten years ago intersect. Jesus and I are intertwined in the sweetest of ways. I used to denounce my former faith, but I no longer can. God chose it. It has taught me lessons I won’t forget me. Faith saves me from myself. It’s growth for me to recognize and acknowledge that my past has a purpose. My past for as painful as it’s been, has been good as well. Not everything is a bag of rotten apples. Thank the Good Lord for that fact. I would be eating lots of bad fruit. That would be neither fun nor pleasant. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Fall

 Cherry pie

And ice cream

Rainy days

Orange leaves 

Autumn days

I’m ready

For you

Build

 Build them up

Raise them up

Fuel the fire

That lights up

The next generation

And see what 

God will do

Thoughts

 Lord, 

As I age I am starting to understand. I don’t conform. Give me James Taylor and Carole King. Give me foreign films over Marvel. I’d rather speak any other language than English. I reread my favorite books all the time. The memories I swore I wanted to forget are now the ones I long to remember. I long for the recipes of my grandparents. I’ve tried to recreate it, but it doesn’t compare. The people I didn’t want to be like as a child, are the ones that I wish I could see again. I don’t know if forty is magic, or if I’m too tired to fight fate. God brings you to your knee, but if needed, He will sit you down Indian-style like a child. Don’t ask how I know. My mind just went blank. The tears are falling. They’re not sad, but bittersweet that I’m becoming the person You desire me to be. I always thought following God’s will or plan was a chore. I’m starting to wonder if what I’ve fought for years is now a blessing. An honor and privilege. I don’t know if my bank account will make me amenable of societal love and adoration, but I will say that the fullness of contentment in my bones is worth it all. 

Show

 When surrender 

Is actively practiced 

Freedom is not 

A passive pursuit

Taking the handcuffs 

Off God

Is when 

The fruits

Of the Spirit 

Are allowed 

To shine

In a broken body 

And sullen heart

Spoiler alert

 Let me say this:  it’s past time. I’m coming up for air, finally. One commenter said yesterday after my post that I’m very blessed. I wasn’t very pleased with the post when I hit publish. Five little verses or however many spoke to so many. What I thought was lackluster turned into one of the most loved by so many. It taught me a lesson. God turns our lemons into lemonade when we least expect it. It taught me that eloquence and big words are not what He’s after. He wants my heart. The broken vessel. The authentic self. He makes a poor soul very rich. I’m not talking about my bank account. Yesterday, I felt very useful to society even if that’s not to be my aim.  I’m very blessed in that God finds me still to a precious commodity worthy of being used for His glory. It’s the biggest honor. A few weeks ago I hit bottom. It wasn’t comfortable. He had to get my attention. He has it now. Being brought to your knees will do it every time. I realize my stubborn self will be brought to my knees as many times as He sees fit. When I am it is so I can look up. It is to remind me who is in charge. Spoiler alert:  It’s not me

Joy

 Lord

Grant me 

Your joy 

Your hope

And all

You desire

For me

Good

 This morning as I was scrolling Instagram, I found a post that warmed my heart. Sarah at Meet The Shaneyfelts announced an unexpected and miraculous pregnancy after adopting two beautiful boys. Even though children are not in my future, they are big blessings. Could you cover Sarah in your prayers for a smooth pregnancy. Stop by her blog or Instagram and encourage her. Love on her. God, You are good. So, so good. Lord, bless Sarah, her womb, her family. Show her Your goodness. 

Love yourself and each other

Friday

 It’s been

A great day

Knowing blessings

Are there

Whether

I see them

Or not

On this Friday

Let me be

Light and love

To a world

That could 

Use some

Love yourself and each other

Questions

 What are you eating?

What are you reading?

What are you buying?

What are you watching?

What is making you smile?

Love

 Lord,

It’s me. I don’t need to state my name. You know who is coming to you today. The weekly tradition continues. Another doctor down. It takes so much to maintain this body, but I’m grateful. It’s a privilege to be alive. There was a time that I didn’t feel that way, but I’m happy to say I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Thank you for giving me the love I wasn’t capable of for years. Thank you for holding me up, and may you do it for others. 

Love yourself and each other

Love

 Those worship songs

As a teen

Are speaking

To me now

More at forty

And it is 

Shocking me

To my core

Speak life

Into people

They don’t forget

Even if you do

Laboring love

 Laboring

For you Lord

Make my efforts

Fruitful and profitable

Purposeful and meaningful

Full of hope

And love

Heart

 Let me say:  thank you for all your prayers. It was a great appointment. I have hope. Jeanie, your words were so true. Yesterday was a win in my book, and my gratitude for it is immense. Never underestimate the power of great healthcare, and compassionate care. My soul is lighter. It feels good. 

When the love

Of God

Is given 

To you 

Daily

By strangers

That become

Dear friends

The hackles deflate

Because 

The heart soars

Lord

 Lord,

Everything in my body is going to need you today. Doctor today. I’m scared, but courageous. I’m going to need your strength to be slow to anger, to listen, to take advice of counsel. I’m going to need You more than my own will. Cover me with your prayers. Thank you. 

Jesus

Help me

Be submissive 

And subservient

To Your call

You’ve equipped me

To conquer

What I fear

With Your assistance

It will be accomplished

Trust You

And not 

My own

Selfish desire

Love yourself and one another

Pray

 Thankful today for all your love and support. It never ceases. Thank you. 

How may I pray for you today, love you or support you?

So many in this world need prayers, so I’m sending mine out. When I focus on others, and get out of self I’m much more grateful and happy. Hugs my friends.  

Love yourself and each other

Regine

Lord

 Lord, 

These notes are a weekly occurrence it seems. The fog comes and goes. Half the time I don’t know what day it is anymore. I have to be intentional about being in the here and now. Comparison really is my thief of joy these days. I question if I’m making you proud. Making you glad to call me Yours. I got a package the other day filled with cards, and one specifically got my attention. Let me say, it hit a nerve. It said something like the struggle builds strength. Well, four words have stuck in my crawl. It’s something I needed to hear, see and read. It’s been the season of struggle. The least I can hope for is strength. Strength for what I don’t know yet. I’m in a season of blissful ignorance. I don’t know how else to put it honestly. So as I strap weights on my ankles, Lord, lift the weight off my heart. It feels like I could make a book off my letters to you. 

Love yourself and one another

Pond

 Blue collar blood

White collar dreams

Oyster stew

On the table

With saltines

Dreaming of caviar

And champagne

John Deere

And weeds

As tall as

My knees

Teach so much more

Than yachts on

The high seas

St. Tropez

May be 

The desire

But the pond

Is my reality

Today

Dream

 Dream away

Let them soar

Follow

The star

Of your soul

As you remember

Your penchant

To shine

Like the thirty carat

Diamond 

That demands respects

And commands 

Attention

Worthy 

And deserving

Of your love

Is who 

I will always be

Because I’m Yours

And you 

Are 

Mine

Rooted

 Play in the doh

What Play-doh

Teaches a forty

Year old

Get in there

Make a mess

Have fun

Channel the

Inner child

Let exploration occur

The joy happens

When the creative mind

Is allowed to roam

Without rules

And happiness

Is allowed

To reign supreme

Be the kid

Your adult self

Long abandoned

For responsibility 

And caution

Learning that fun

Is not something

To deny yourself

Just because

You are granted

The opportunity

To age

Even if

It is

The greatest privilege

The few

See eighty

Or ninety

Leaving a legacy

That spans generations

Love the journey

For it is

What your pride

Will be rooted in

Forevermore

Caffeine

 Fueled by faith

And face cream

The bed sheets

Felt extra cozy

This morning

Enough to burrow

And cocoon

But 

I’m off

To make 

The day count

Caffeine

Hit me

With your

Best shot

Go time

 Let your soul free

As the keys go

Surrender the words

That your mind

Holds onto 

Like Fort Knox

Let the body dance

The heart sing

Stop thinking

Too much

Of that

Leads

To regret

Missed chances

And the dreaded

What if

What if

I just laid 

It out there

The cards

Are face up

Ready

For 

Go time

Covet

 Train up a child in the way they should go, and they will not depart from it. 

As I’ve mentioned these past weeks have been rough, but let me say God was faithful in my distress. And my distress allowed me to learn to be present. I have no desire to return to the discomfort, but I can acknowledge its purpose. Too often I’m in yesterday or tomorrow. I’m rarely in today. Today has value. I seldom recognize it. In those weeks I read the Word, but it didn’t stick. The Word was moving with me. Every step was act of trust. I had no faith in self, but in Who He has been to me. I don’t have children, but whoever sees me, let them know goodness comes from Him. He becomes the shield that shelters me. 

Cover me

Covet me

As your beloved

Show the children

Who is always there

To soften the blow

And kiss their

Boo boos

Savoring

 Clarity

Comes

When my will

Ceases

To supersede 

Reason

And my desire

To be right

Wins and losses

Are to measured

In the amount

Of peace

That has been

Poured into

The vessel

Known as

The heart

Understanding

That joy

Is a precious commodity

To be savored and treasured

Hymnal

 Breathe in

Breathe out

Realize God

Knows what

He’s doing

Even if

You don’t

Sit back

And relax

While He

Does the work

My only job

Is to trust

And obey

What He decides

It all goes back

To that old

Church hymnal

Lord

 Lord,

Every season it seems as if You sense that I’m coasting. Life seems good and comfortable. I kind of have a take it or leave it approach to faith. On the surface, happiness is there. Somewhere in my lukewarm attitude, the bottom drops, and I do too. It’s not been a pretty two weeks. Like a pitcher, I am experiencing a case of the yips. Everything I’ve enjoyed is causing me anxiety. I’m having to fight the fear. Or it would eat me alive. I was told about exposure therapy. I must be in the fearful situation to master it. I must go through the fire to come through victorious. I’ve not backed down before, and today is not the day I start. I don’t know why You put up blocks, but I’m surmising if the answer results in my return to Your arms, it is worth it. 

Love yourself enough to fight

Friday

 Sunshine

Shine bright

For Your Lord

And Savior

Is ready

To give

You a smile

Your sorely need

Thoughts

 Some days

Are a battle

And the worst part

Is your in combat

With your own mind

Fighting through it

Anxiety and I 

Happen

To go at it

More than

I’d like

Love yourself and one another

Pray

 It’s a little after 9:30 pm here in South Carolina. I happened to open up Facebook because I like seeing parents posting back to school photos. I’m childless and still a sucker for the photos. The smiles send me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I chase those any chance I can. Too much of this world is a depressant, and these children are a shot of sunshine. I expected more photos. I didn’t expect a post requesting urgent prayer. This prayer requires miracles. The only kind the Father can provide. I don’t know if He will answer as I’d like. I have to try. Throw the Hail Mary. So I’m launching. 

Lord

Do what

You do

And show

The world

How it’s 

Done

If you’d do me the biggest gift please pray. Thank you for your faithfulness. I saw someone post this, and it hit its target. 

It said:  “Love others as Jesus loves you.  

Thank you

Regine

Thoughts

 Breathe in

Breathe out

Stay calm

It’s not worth 

A meltdown

Lord

Remind me

Of who 

You are

When

I’m all 

In my

Own feelings

Prayer

 Thank you all for your wonderful words. They mean so much. As much as writing is a solo pursuit where the point is to provide catharsis for self, I can’t say that your validation doesn’t matter either. I usually don’t like asking, but would you cover me in your prayers. Another day, another doctor. I grateful and yet petrified. The aging process will get you in your emotions. Let me say that I never expected to age so well for the most part. I’m just very aware of it. I really desire answers today, but that’s not up to me. Overthinking and I are very much acquainted in this moment. 

Lord

Guide 

My focus

To Your

Grand plan

And faithful provision

Love yourself and one another

Weekend

 In 11 years and over 4000 posts later, I decided to go back at them all, and it was an enlightening journey. 

You all have witnessed my years of depression. You all have witnessed the depths of my anger. You all have witnessed my desire to hide in frivolity. It’s when in the past few years that I decided to be truthful that I grew. I decided to go back to my first love. Sharing myself in poetry has shed the shackles. So thank you for being here. 

Lord

You showed me

What fruits

Can be had

When our anger

Is quelled

When answering

The call 

You have

For our lives

Ride

 Love the ride

It’s the beginning

Of a personal evolution

That leads to growth

In a myriad 

Of ways

Stubborn

 Thoughts today

I can’t force what I want. I’m being given what I need. What I need is still a mystery to me. I’m having to dig deep. My inner strength is being tested beyond what I ever imagined. I feel like I’m in a grocery store of life reading labels to see what is best for me. God is demanding critical thinking or common sense. Is this cookie going to help you in the long run. It tastes good now, but not even an hour later, your stomach will revolt. Sugar feels good for a moment, then sours. Salt preserves and stands the test of time. I’m to treat my body like salt and light to persevere through the unexpected storms of life. I don’t know if this is the new era of not fighting the inevitable.  Maybe it’s just not being so darn hardheaded. Stubbornness is not a great trait at times. 

Are you trying to be less stubborn or is it just a solo journey?

Lord

 Lord, 

I’m staring at this screen willing the words to come. To flow from my soul and hit my fingertips. I need to go back to when the words you graciously provided were the balm to my soul. And I come here asking for giving me what I need.  Some days, I’m not too sure of what I want or need anymore. So I’m asking You to show me. Show me Your will and way. I’m overthinking, and need the only voice that can soothe the ache that resides within me. I feel a need to be productive. It’s like you’re telling me that rest is productive. You don’t give as the world does, and yet I forget that everyday. I crave success as much as I crave my next sweet treat. In rest, I’m successful. Obedience is success. Reading Your Word today where it says will worry add one hour to my life, it won’t. I know it, and yet too often worry is the first thing I focus on. I’m recognizing that I can’t live without You, just as much as You desire my presence in Yours. 

Be still. It will come. 

Thank you. 

Regine

Thoughts

 Thoughts

Writer’s block is here. I keep writing anyway. 

Kicking sugar addiction is rough. I crave it. Any suggestions?

Trying to decide what to splurge on for my birthday. Nothing is catching my attention

I’m cranky. Also trying to limit processed foods. 

If it seems like I’m complaining, I’m sorry. 

Love yourself and one another

Questions

 Let me say when you hear the word lifestyle change, you balk, but let me say I’m trying not to do it. As I get older my body is telling me to listen. My left knee just made the decision easier. So, my friends, I have some questions. 

What is the one piece of advice you wish you’d learned sooner?

What are your favorite healthy meals or salads?

How dd you create your own joy or practice gratitude?

Looking forward to your answers. 

Love yourself and one another

Questions

 What are you eating?

What are you buying?

What or who are you praying for?

Are you ready for fall?

What is making you smile?

Forty

 I was asked a question yesterday. The question was what was my favorite part of my birthday. I didn’t immediately have a response. I celebrated my birthday for a whole week. 

Here are my favorites

Some time spent dockside with my brother and sister-in-law. To sit in the breezes and smells while chatting was a simple pleasure I will never forget. Feeling loved without uttering a word was priceless. Feeling protected and secure within their presence is a gift. 

Having a red velvet cake specifically made for me. The beautiful writing of Happy Birthday Regine made my heart swell. I looked at it too many times as I commit it to memory. My sisters and I used to share a birthday cake.  I also wanted to have my own cake as a child, and at forty I wanted to share a cake. 

The ability to celebrate starting seaside, and then changing to mountain peaks was amazing. Going from a rainy sunset cruise to the heights is a blessing. As I looked out at the sunset, I allowed myself to be silent as God shouted. In the mountains, I simply stared at how much I had to be thankful for. 

So here is my hope for forty

I embrace it all. I seek joy. I seek peace. I don’t fight. I just seek options. My energy and peace of mind are to be preserved and paramount to my mental health. Forty. You are to be the blessing that keeps giving. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Questions

 What is on your heart today?

What are you reading?

What is making you smile?

All those that need hope

Millie Perez’s newest release

You all

Thoughts

 As I look back on the birthday celebrations, I’m reminded of several truths

Joy 

Is the choice

I make

For the health

Of my mind

Body and soul

Are dependent

On prudent choices

I’ve traversed landscapes

From seashores 

To mountaintops

And my thought

Remains the same

The beauty of 

The Lord is in

Physical manifestations

Everywhere

In me

God’s wonder

Is also within

I just fail 

To acknowledge 

The obvious 

Love yourself

And one another

Forty

 Forty 

Is here

Lord

Give me

All of You

As I enter

Uncharted waters 

Thoughts

 Birthday celebrations part one

Family will show up when you least expect it, and the initial shock will be replaced with a gratitude that can’t be explained. Love will be shown in actions that can’t be measured. And in that moment your perspective and perception shift on a dime. I’ve never been more thankful to be pleasantly surprised. 

I have mixed feelings on forty.  It’s a mix of anxiety and excitement. I’m still gathering my thoughts. 

A few nights in a hotel bed with air conditioning, a hot shower and HBO is glorious. 

Love

 Grateful

I am Yours

Any time of day

Every day

Love yourself and one another

Forty observations.

 I don’t know what number I left off on, but I was stuck on how to continue. It was suggested I share some small things that make the list too. 

Here we go. 

Eating cold fish at 9pm listening to Bamboleo by the Gipsy Kings brings back memories that are bittersweet. 

Shopping for self with just a pleasure to try on clothes I wouldn’t normally choose. They didn’t work, but enjoyed playing fashion model for a moment. 

Being challenged in a workout, where I thought they were trying to make me insane felt good. Each session I realize doing hard things is where I thrive even when it is the bane of my existence. 

As you get older, you thank God for living in America for creature comforts. Air conditioning and plumbing. 

When I complain about aching limbs, I remember to be grateful to not be missing any. 

Love one another and yourself. 

Girl

 Girl

The crown

You wear

Is a purchase

You can’t repay

But will

Treasure forever

Forty observations continued

 9.  After a tearful therapy session yesterday, I have some things to think on. I’ve had unrealistic expectations of self. I can’t meet them. It does make me less of a person. It makes me a real one. A person who needs to let some fears go. I can’t expect perfection, even if I know it doesn’t exist. 

10. I’m brutally honest with self and not others. That needs to change. I’m downright disrespectful to self. How can I demand love from others when I treat myself like pond scum. Kindness is to be directed at the women whose sad countenance I too often see in the mirror. 

11. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I often focus on what I’ve not done, that I don’t take the time to acknowledge my achievements. I am proud that I show up here every day, and leave it all here for the world to see. I a beautiful yet flawed being on a journey to acceptance from self whether or not I ever receive it from the world. 

12. I defy expectations every day. It’s time I take time to appreciate how far I’ve come. Let me say intellectually and medically, I wasn’t supposed to graduate college or by thirty I’d be in a wheelchair. At almost forty, I use a cane, but I walk. The college degree is framed on the wall. I look at it every so often. I’ve walked across Italy and Canada. I’m seeing a world many like me don’t have access to it. I’m grateful. Blessed is not a strong enough word for the access I’ve had, that is denied to so many. 

13. Life may not be fair, but it can still be good. It’s been better than I could explain. I have a lot of issues, but if I were to make a pros and cons list, the pros would take it in a landslide. Find the good. Actively seek it. Please. Take it from me, your mental health may depend on it. I wish I were kidding. 

Forty

 Forty observations

5.  I can be upset, but my anger mustn’t fester. I don’t have the luxury of anger. It only triggers my anxiety and depression. Those two things may not leave anytime soon. I need to learn to cope. I’ve not coped with my past or present. I’ve been reminded of it this week. 

6.  When I can’t internalize God’s words, I turn on gospel music. The African-American church loved me in a way I can’t explain. Much like churches in foreign nations have brought me peace. I immerse myself in a culture that loves me without expectation. 

7. The world may be cruel, but I must not repay with cruelty. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I’m learning this very deliberately. If I repaid all the misdeeds of others with meanness, it wouldn’t cease. My lineage is an eye for an eye, but my Savior demands the opposite. 

8.  As long as I’m able to live I’ve been given the directive to love as He has loved me. That is a goal to actively seek. I am hopeful to be up to the task, and willing of the call. Love yourself and one another

Forty

 Forty observations

1.  Cerebral Palsy:  You’re with me indefinitely. This I know. Making peace with you is acceptance

2.  Writing:  You are the vehicle for which my soul finds refuge

3.  Lord:  The deity who makes life a worthwhile pursuit

4.  Blogging: The apparatus to self-discovery

A milestone birthday is coming up. I will try to share forty observations. I don’t how many I have. I will say I’m not usually sentimental about birthdays, but life is precious. And I’m grateful for mine. Add some observations for mine. I can always learn so give me your best thoughts. 

You too

 To live 

loved and appreciated 

Is a gift

I don’t know 

If many can fully 

Comprehend 

Disability 

Has given me

Access

To the

Life lessons 

Most humans

May never 

Understand 

I see the world 

For what it is

Yet hold out

Hope 

For miracles 

That my thoughts 

Be disproven

With confident conviction 

I’m showing you 

My battles 

The physical 

Ankles and knees

And the emotional scars 

I shamefully hid

The depression 

And anxiety 

That almost 

Sunk my ship 

If I’m honest

I’m always going 

To need therapy 

Of some sort 

And I accept 

That fact

With pride

I want to live 

A life

That says

God made

It happen here

And He wants

To do 

The same 

For you 

Refined

 Refined by fire

Molded and shaped

Into a creation

I can be proud of

What a thought

What I’ve despised

Is now something

I desire so much

I can’t live without

God,

Why I’ve fought Your instruction and counsel I will never understand. You’ve brought me to my knees literally. And now I truly see what I’ve been missing doing it my way.   Oh Lord, I’m so sorry. You’re taking a bum knee to rehab what really needs mending. 

My heart is undergoing a revival. I doubted you could do. Well Lord, here i am to say:  it feels good to surrender my will for Yours. 

PT chronicles

 PT chronicles

Let me says rehabbing a knee is agonizing. Yesterday in the span of forty five minutes I wanted to lace expletives, clench teeth and collapse in my own sweat. I had to be reminded to breathe and rest. The burn didn’t feel too good. My physical therapist took a look at my face, and couldn’t help but chuckle. She knew I could do hard things. I’m realizing that as well. I feel like a rubber band this morning. I see that I need challenges. I don’t rise without it. If I’m bored, I get complacent. Sounds like my spiritual life. God is using PT to fully trust and seek Him. I’m realizing that my body is weaker than I’d like to admit. I realize that the therapists see that I need the time under tension, the duress to feel a sense of accomplishment. I need to see results even if they’re not measurable. I don’t know if I could measure my spirit, but with His name on my lips, it is enough. 

Love one another and self

Lord

 Lord,

It’s me. I’m here at your throne because when I feel I’ve reached self-sufficiency, You remind me that’s not the case. My need for help is evident. Honestly, I detest that fact. It’s no secret. I’ve not hidden my displeasure from view. It’s a matter of public record. Almost eleven years of blogging is here to be a visual time stamp. In eleven years, it’s the one thing that I’ve not gotten over. I despise asking for help. Asking for help is anxiety inducing. It’s a trigger point for me. In physical therapy, they’ve found that most of my upper left leg is central for trigger points. The tone there is immense. I don’t know how to explain tone with regards to Cerebral Palsy. Google was no help either. This is all to say mentally and physically I’m addressing what I swore I’d never do. Never say never. The truest words I’ve ever written. What I’m saying is that you will come to a point where the trigger becomes too big to ignore. Address it before it becomes the albatross. I learn everything the hard way. I complicate simplicity, and make simplicity look like scaling Everest. I accept this truth, until it no longer mirrors my reality. 

Love one another and self. 

Today

 I get in 

A mess

When

I internalize

Tomorrow’s problem

In today

God guard

My temper

I about lost

My marbles

This morning

Today’s thought

 Let me tell you:  Therapy is where it’s at right now. I was telling her I felt all I could offer people was prayer. True prayer. And she told me that was more than enough. I can’t offer you money or much else, but I can offer my heart through intercession. Let me tell you: She was right. When you offer your heart, you give people the best gift. Disability has never rid me of one my worst fears. A burden who takes more than she gives. God has shown up for me again to prove how right she was. I’m so glad to be proven wrong once again. God says told you so once again. I’m gladly conceding the loss

If my life’s mission

Is to love 

Through prayer

Than that’s

A job title

I shall assume

On that note I have a prayer request. I will not divulge their name, but a devastating diagnosis has led this person to seek Him to cope.  Please pray as you see fit. God bless you all. 

Questions

 Favorite song on repeat?

Favorite book?

Favorite salad?

Age

 The burn

Feels so good

Never thought

I’d say hard work

In the form

Of muscle

Would make

Me deliriously happy

As if 

I’d won

The lottery

The joys

Change

As we are

Privileged to age

It’s me Lord

 As I was working out this morning my trainer said something time under tension. The point to the strengthening exercises is to hold each moment with precision. That means slow and steady. I keep going back to those two words. I’m to revel in the burn, the duress. I’m to see the motive to the mission. I was reading back on old posts, and I had to see how every no had a purpose. These no’s were a gain for me. I lost nothing. In this time of a no that stung, my writing increased. As I look back it was some of my best work. I was honest to a fault, freely letting my thoughts fly. Writing has been my sounding board. The venue for which my soul rested in truth. My truth has been formed by a reality I never desired. As I exercise each day, I’m reminded of some facts

I was bought with a price

My scars

He carries them all

With an endurance

To weather

Impossibilities

Mere mortals

Are not equipped

To handle

Within

 Clearing the head

The mind

Fo find

The focus

To thrive 

In life

Strengthening

Of the body

Is done

For the day

Now my mind

Is on 

The clock

In and out

I breathe

Repeat

And affirm

My worth

For my own validation

What a thought

It all starts

From within

Cards

 I’ve been pushing the pedals, pushing the limits of what my body can do. It’s exhausting yet a form of sweet torture I crave. My home will soon resemble a gym with as many implements to keep my body from deterioration. Disability is speeding up the process.  It’s a fact I can no longer deny. What I am not denying is that my body needs all the help it can get. I can no longer treat my body poorly. My mind either. They’re intertwined. Inextricably linked. 

Disability

Requires

A character

That thrives

Under fire

And occasional discomfort

Molded by trial

And tribulation

An unwavering determination

To never surrender

To circumstances

Not under my control

Play the cards

Then pray

Washing machine

 Washing my sheets on this rainy Monday morning has me drawing some parallels with life. The rain may dampen my mood, but it necessary to rid all the impurities and toxins of life. The rain wipes the slate for new thoughts to take hold. My thoughts need a daily cleanse. If anyone were to go through the scramble of my thoughts, they’d be shocked. The amount of worry and anxiety that roams around my brain is one I can’t quantify. My thoughts are like my sheets. They’re not privy to the cleansing, they just know it’s happening. Maybe that’s all that needs to be known. The answer is not as vital as the process to the outcome. Life is much like that sentiment. The destination is not as important as the journey to arrive there. This is all to say that maybe I should take a spin in the proverbial washing machine.

Blessings my friends. Love oneself and one another. 

Regine

Coffee

 Each week

I step into

My local coffee shop

And get lost

In the mystery

Of coffee beans

Pastries

And chit chat

I love to watch people

And observe their orders

To see

If I can gather

What their personality traits

Might be

What’s your order, and what does it say about you?

Courageous

 Yesterday I was looking back over old posts. Some thoughts came to me. Disability never leaves you as much as you wish it would. It’s the leech that won’t let you be. I went through the last two years, and I can say this with certainty:  Therapy is essential.  Learning to cope is a daily battle. A battle I’m learning to fight with love not abject hate. I didn’t not like looking back because it reminds me that so much work is left to do. I’m then prodded to remember that work is not bad or an indictment of failure. Work means I spend time with myself understanding the progress is a process. A process in understanding. An understanding that brutal honesty is not always the best policy. Kindness towards self should be my focus. How can I expect kindness from others when I’m unwilling to give it to myself. Mind and body must undergo routine examination to maximize optimal utilization. 

Grant me courage

To love oneself

Enough

To answer questions

I’ve always avoided

Ruby

 In your heart

I find mine

Beating wildly

For the first time 

In you

Peace is available 

What a gift 

To behold 

And treasure 

Like the red ruby

With pink undertones 

Embrace

 Lord,

Slow and steady 

Is not a bad thing

It is a process

For everything

In life

And I’m late

To the party

No more

I’m taking

Your pace

And making it

My own

Look

 White

Adirondack chair

My place

For a few hours 

As I bask

In doing 

Absolutely nothing 

Except

Staring out

At nature’s beauty 

With an awareness 

That to find oneself 

I must immerse myself

In natural wonders

May I never 

Lose sight

That splendor 

Is anywhere 

I’m willing 

To look

Thinking

 Lord

Regine 

Is here

Requesting

Your Presence

As if 

You’ve ever left

My frustration

Is at the brim

I’m tamping 

It down

Because anger

Does nothing

To resolve

What causes 

My issue

July day

 As I stare out

At the majestic mountains 

I’m an infinitesimal being

In a world

Too amazing 

For my mind

To comprehend 

And yet

I’m always humbled

By the reminder

That I’m not 

Alone in 

My anguish 

Or suffering 

It’s a part

Of the plan

The divine purpose 

Of why I live

In spite

Of my own 

Protestations 

Place

 The broken vessel 

Is what 

I am

Right now

I’m in pieces

Like a puzzle 

Waiting to see

Where I fit

And it’s 

The place

I’m meant 

To be

At in this moment

The journey

To wholeness 

Continues

Mirror

 When you want 

Change

From others

I’ve found 

I must look

In the mirror 

Love it

 Breathe in

And let the

Song lull

You in

A peaceful slumber

Questions

 Any holiday weekend plans?

What are you reading?

What foods are you making?

French 75

 The joy

Of simplicity

In a French 75

On a Wednesday afternoon 

In an empty bar

Is one

Of life’s greatest mysteries 

Lord

 These are my thoughts for today

Lord,

You are using physical therapy as a way to excise the mental demons that invade my soul. As my body strengthens, my soul releases the agony of what it cannot do. I’m looking squarely at the problem. The one between the ears. For all I can do, my focus is on what I cannot. And that has to change. I will never truly be happy if I don’t come to acceptance. Every time I think I’ve come to acceptance, life comes to show me how wrong I am. I’m starting to accept that acceptance is a daily practice in surrender. Acceptance right now is surrendering my need to have it all figured out. Not every issue can be fixed on my timetable. I’m chewing on that right now. It might be a long swallow. I’m also realizing that my issues are deeply rooted. As long as I’m living I will come in daily contact with them. That is okay. Maybe the problem is that I’m fighting the wrong thing.  God hasn’t got rid of the problem. Maybe it’s because this lifelong issue drove me to Himself, and keeps me seated there. I’m under no illusion that God may not rid me of what ails me, if He keeps receiving glory through my life. Love each other and yourself

Questions

 How are you doing?

What is making you smile?

What’s on your heart?

Any summer vacations?

What are you reading/buying/loving?

Amen

 Lord, 

It’s a new week. A new mindset. A day for physical therapy. I don’t know whether or not my body or mind needs more preparation. Physically, I know my body is in for a journey. One I’m equipped for. The question is this:  Can I get my mind in shape.  My knee will get worked for six weeks, but will my mind cooperate. I pray I can keep a joyful spirit as I embark on an adventure. Mending body parts has become an adventure. It’s one I don’t enjoy, but appreciate its necessity. Lord, may you show yourself through the sweat, the clenched teeth, the struggle and the discomfort. For six weeks, I will be uncomfortable. And Lord that is when You shine. Use my pain for Your pleasure. Love oneself and one another. 

Sunday

 Sunday

Your day

Means 

It’s a good day

To celebrate

All you are

To me

Saturday

 Saturday scenes

Sweaty brows

Sore muscles

Water bottles

And dirty dogs

Five things

 Five things

I’m grateful for the reminder of your goodness

You are the source of every good thing

David Attenborough’s voice is very soothing to listen to

Sunshine after rain is very nice

Good sleep is a blessing

Deity

 Dreaming

The memories

Transport me

To a place

Of reflection

And gratitude

What I know

Is that joy

Is found

In a Savior

Who took

On humanity

To see

And be seen

In a world

That wouldn’t appreciate

His sacrifice

Imagine

The devoted deity

Coming to Earth

To be in community

With all of us

And reminding us

That our status

In the Kingdom

Is not measured

In dollar bills

Or good works

Lord

 Lord

I keep searching for words

To describe

The state of 

My soul 

Right now

I don’t have them

The desire for control

Must lessen

So that

My dependency 

Is on the Father

Not my own

Free will

Of which

You give

With such abundance

Nantucket dreams

 Yesterday marked one year since my trip to Nantucket. It’s one of my favorites I’ve ever taken. The ferry rides, ocean breezes, and lobster rolls. I’m taking myself back. I realize most of my domestic vacations take place in New England. It’s the place my heart is set free. It’s ironic as I start physical therapy today, I push on so that I can continue to travel. Travel helps me release the burden of who I am. I get to meet new people who don’t know my story. I get to explore. I get to see the places that books have only been described to me. Right now, I’m in the process of digging deep to unearth why it is I have a desire to escape. Escape my reality. Create a new one. Even if it’s only temporary. To be free requires a work I’m only now truly seeking. Eventually the truth is this:  No one can free you, but God working through you to accept facts not facades. 

So as my memories bring me happiness, my present is working so my reality desires acceptance. A reality I can embrace not despise. 

Questions

 What are you reading?

What are you eating?

What are you buying?

Monday

 What is on your heart today?

What is making you smile?

Tell me something encouraging today?

Love each other

Guide

 It’s your day

And the Ultimate Father

Who Guides

A fallen world

To himself

For all 

Of us

Who believe

Amen

 Praising 

Who You are

And rejoicing

Knowing

The anchor

Of my soul

Holds

Friday freedom

 You have equipped

To love

Believe

And 

Be free

Lord

 Lord

It’s me

How you

Never tire

Of me

Is beyond comprehension

Your love

Fills my cup

When much wont 

Thoughts

 Lord

It’s me. I’m here. I’ve been asked to examine my thought patterns. It’s not been a very pretty picture. I’m a negative thinker. It’s been a truth not easy to swallow. The thing of it is I’m glad it’s been brought to my attention. You can’t fix what you don’t see. That’s the silver lining. And I’m grateful for that. Thank you. Love yourself enough to admit you can’t do it alone. 

Revival

 Speak revival

And abundance

Into this

Sedated bone

Activate 

What You

Seek in me

Love each other

Loving

 Loving 

My full mailbox

Unexpected gifts

Grilled cheese

New skincare

Your love

Your turn

Love

 It feels 

So good

To know

When 

I come by here

You will give 

Me a 

Daily dose

Of joy

Hope 

And love

Blackberry

 Walk with me

In the high grass

Under the shade

Of the tall tress

In the bountiful blooms

Of the wildflowers

And blackberry bushes

The purple hue

Staining my fingertips

And leaving my tongue s

Singing with sweetness

Prayer

 Lord

Hold my heart

Guide my steps

Direct my vision

And may 

My lips

Sing praise

Love

 Lord, 

It’s your child. The one who needs you. The one who wants to want you more than I need you. It comforts me that as I write this, You know my thoughts, and what I write. When I’m speechless, You give words. You are the giver. The hope of my soul. In you, I’m whole and complete. Give me what you desire I have. May I be content with your gifts. Love each other. 

Questions

 What is on your heart

Any prayer requests 

What is making you smile

Breathe

 In the depths

Light emerges

From an exile

I didn’t know

Existed

Coming up

For air

And what

A feeling

It is

To breathe

Monday

 God,

I’m here this morning to thank you for what You reveal in the quiet spaces and hidden places of my heart. I realize I’m not a lost cause. I’m misunderstood. And I’ve never taken the time to correct the record. I’ve stayed silent, and it’s not served me at all. Why must I sink into the background to make others feel comfort at the expense of my own. To be honest, I’ve not felt comfort for awhile. When I said I reside in struggle I meant it. This weekend swimming in the rain was a boon to my spirit. I figured I’m already wet, I may as well embrace it. Maybe I’ve looked at life the wrong way. Get wet, laugh, rest and reset. 

Monday

 Thoughts from the weekend

Swimming in the rain is highly underrated

A nap after said swim provides the best rest

Acceptance comes when we least expect it

Children will humble you and love you at the same time

Tea time and Barbie’s will bring you back to childhood

I enjoyed an Oreo for the first time in years

Thoughts

 Some thoughts today

I’m realizing I’m having to give myself grace and understanding. As part of surrender and acceptance, I’m tackling unsavory truths about myself. Being special and different means I don’t conform to the world. As much as I’ve tried, it’s not happening. I don’t check boxes or fill in spaces. It is exhausting to fit a mold not meant for me. I’m trying to lower my expectations for what I expect from others and myself. I would rather take cold plunges in the Arctic than sunbathe in the Caribbean. My soul craves glacial perfection and a view that strips me of sensation. It’s in the fog, that I focus. Struggle is where I live. It’s what I know. It’s what I’ve known. I don’t expect that to change. I just seek to change my reaction to said predicament. God meets where I am. Even when I’m nowhere to be found. Love each other

Struggle

 Struggling today

I know the answer

Surrender

But what

I want

Is not

And you

Know what

It is

Control

Plans

 How was your weekend?

Are you looking forward to summer?

Any summer plans?

Lord

 Lord

It’s me

I’m at you feet

Craving a hug

From the arms

That have strength

To give peace

To a people

Searching for a hope

That isn’t hinged

On good works

Love

 When I pray to surrender, I didn’t think it would work. It’s a gradual process. I don’t realize it’s happening, but it must. I feel lighter and happier. Acceptance is coming. For the first time, I have actual, genuine hope. I didn’t think I could do it. It feels amazing. Love one another. 

Questions

 What are you reading?

What are you eating?

What are you buying?

What’s making you smile?

Lord

 When you see me

I can only hope

You see Him

In me

At the doctor’s office today, I had to get a new prescription for PT. Let me say this:  What I once despised I know I now need. I’m not fighting it. My left knee is in pain. It will get better. It takes time. With breath comes appreciation. If you ambulate, consider it a blessing. I will walk with pain as long as I can walk. Love each other

Yes

 Let my fear

Fuel my future

Let hope

Drive me

To be a person

Who doesn’t allow

Circumstances

Dictate my reaction

Yes

 Life

The mystery

And the miracle

When mixed together

Bring the brightest sunshine

The most cleansing rain

The joy

The gain

That is found

When one

Stops searching

And starts

Listening

Miracle

 Lord

It’s your child

Coming to you

Not to complain

Or ask why

I’m just thanking

You in advance

For the miracles

You will work

In my life

Office

 My office today

Is a back porch

Where I hear the 

Birds singing

And wind 

Cradling the trees

What’s your office look like?

Sunday

 On the cross

You bore

The sins

Of a world

That still does

Not merit

Your sacrifice

Giving so freely

Of self

So that

We may live

For eternity

Joy

 Listening to the song that started my journey to Christ and I have some observations. 

He will supply my joy. Each day that I take in breath I will thank Him that I am more than here. I’m living to glorify His work in me. It is a joy to live. A statement I would not only say, but actually wholeheartedly believe. With every inhale, I’m affirmed and accepted. He does great work. I am His Picasso. I am exquisite.

He is my joy

The One who supplies my joy is also the source of it. Every move I make, He is there to remind me from whom my joy is made. That is a gift I’ve never sat down to examine. Maybe this needs some attention. From the song of my spirit to my whisper of my lips, You are it. 

There is joy in surrender. As I recall my journey to Christ, I remember how I willingly surrendered my need to have an answer. There was joy in the process. I need to return to where my desire is not in the answer but in the question. 

May I enjoy the journey as much as I seek the destination

Turn

 Gratitude list

Time with a friend yesterday

You all are the encouragers of my dreams. Thank you. I never thought someone like me could be so loved. You prove it every day. And my gratitude is immense. Thank you. 

A sweet treat

Your turn

Favorites

 Things about me

Iced vanilla latte is my order

I love a good blanket

Sports romance for me involves love stories with athletes as the protagonist

I collect denim

Some of my favorite pieces are vintage from my mom

I love to wear rings

Jasmine and honeysuckle are my favorite scents

Finding Forrester is my favorite movie

Cherry cokes are my favorite

Know

 These past few days have been a rollercoaster. The end of last week, a wave of exhaustion took me down. I haven’t felt this bad in awhile. I tell you this because I need to remind myself that I need to rest, but most importantly, I need to listen. Truly listen. I need to take in what God is saying. I’m not paying attention. And I’m paying for it. I need to be still. I need to trust. 

My body has taken a beating, and I’ve not refueled properly

My soul is tired. 

I’m trying to please others at my own peril

I want too much right now, and waiting seems…fill in the blank. 

I’m surrendering my need to know right now

Favor

 Can I ask a favor?  I’ve been hearing this country song Need a Favor by Jelly Roll. It’s a song that’s making me ask some questions. Thank you

Me

 Some things about me

I love coffee shops 

Boutique shopping is my jam

I love to read sports romance 

Ask me any questions you have. Trying to make a post off your questions 

Face

 Monday 

You’re here again

Let me greet you

Like a long-lost friend

I haven’t seen in years

That makes me beam

Like a far off starship

Than an unruly neighbor

That grates my every nerve

Monday

You are 

That catchy tune

My head

Can’t seem

To quit

Hi my dear

It’s nice 

To see your 

Face again

Mom

 It’s Mother’s Day

And I’m grateful

For the one

I’m privileged

To call mine

Where I’d be

Without her

I don’t want 

To imagine

If you’ve been

Blessed with a great Mom

You know it

And so does 

The rest of 

The world

I love you

Mom

Growing

 Growing means that God has me where He wants me even if that’s not where I want to be. Growing means that I loosen my hold on the reins. Growing means that I simply aim to be present. Being present in the present is one of the hardest lessons to learn. It means I don’t take on tomorrow’s problems. It means that I enjoy the day. I enjoy the simplicity of a hot cup of coffee relishing the bold aroma as it hits my nose. It means greeting my rambunctious puppy with kisses and lots of attention. It means letting the dewy grass massage my toes in the early morning. Growing means letting go of worry to bask in my surroundings. Growing means giving up something so I can gain more. 

Hold water

 God 

It’s me 

The test is on

And it feels

Like I’m in

Sink or swim

Fight or flight mode

And Lord

Let me hold water

Fight and 

Grab your hand

Setting

 Once you finally make a decision such as the one I described yesterday, I don’t know why I thought I’d wake up fully hyped on faith to surrender. Newsflash:  Didn’t happen. I’m praying to surrender every moment, but I didn’t wake up full of optimism. I’m listening, but internally I’m fighting. I don’t want to fight. It’s my default. That’s what I’m calling it. Here’s hoping I can make surrender my default setting. 

Dove and betodine

 A friend suggested praying surrender prayers.  For the first time, I’m considering it. For me surrendering is akin to acceptance. When I surrender, I accept that I no longer have the answers that I need or like. I talk a lot about both, but don’t do either well. This is not new. If you’ve followed long enough, you know. The irony is I surrender every day when I share each day. I surrender my need my need for perfection. I don’t know whether this or that post will hit or miss. I accept that each day may be a terrible or useless post. I leave my thoughts in this space up to His discernment whether I’ve realized it or not. The question is whether I’m bold enough to follow it up in real life. On that table Monday, I briefly in that moment when I happened to think the doctor was washing my stomach with Dove soap instead of betodine. It’s amazing what your mind will conjure up to calm your nerves. I only realized it thirty minutes later when in a dressing room i saw my stomach was sticky and orange. I was so disappointed to not be smelling so fresh and clean. I will say to any healthcare professionals, don’t ask me if I’m ready.  I’m never ready. I will say this NP never told me a thing, and I appreciated it so much. Each appointment teaches me a new lesson. Love you all

Loved

 Deep breath in

Take it in

Let it out

Smile

And know

That you

Are loved

Beyond measure

Okay

 Let me say this

Body is in slow mode. I don’t like it, but Lord knows, I need to get over it. The culture of busyness is something I try not to let get to me. It does sometimes, though. Right now, it will be a miracle to do the dishes and walk the dogs. Maybe I need reassurance that rest is more than okay. 

Rest

Back from pump fill up. 

Thoughts

It’s a blessing for great healthcare

It’s a blessing for caring help

It’s so nice to be heard

I’m going to be resting for a bit

Any reading recommendations? 

Truths

 The completion of PT was Friday. Three months. 

In those three months, I learned several truths

I like to sweat. It feels like accomplishment. 

Once I start, I feel fierce

My body is a beast. It takes a beating, and keeps going. 

Discipline is key

My mental health improves with each move

Friday

 Happy Friday. Tell me something good my friends. Love you all

Prayers

 Tell me what’s on your heart?

Any prayer requests?

Yay

 Sweat glistens

As I listen

To the sound

Of deep breaths

Exhaled

And my legs

Continue

To cycle

Round and round

What are you doing for exercise these days?

Thank you

 Lord, it’s me. I find that these are my favorite posts. I have to remember my own humanity. My own need for mercy and grace. I’m finding day by day that I need to free myself from having to explain myself. I must free myself from the need to please others. Sometimes being selfish is actually being selfless. Pray for me

Thank you Lord

 Have to let

The anger go

The hope in

And let it

Wash over 

My being

Miraculous Monday

 Heading to PT today. One body part feels stronger, another feels weaker. Working on balance is testing my mettle. I’m a flailing whale, not a graceful gazelle. I know everything takes time, but do I feel pangs of what if. Why did God make me this way, where marching in place for thirty seconds straight makes my equilibrium shake. It also doesn’t help that I’m woefully out of shape. That’s a whole other issue. I can only handle one at a time. I had to talk to my best friend to remind me that CP is one part of my story, and I’m finally learning the other parts of my story. The world has defined so much by that one part, and so have I. Here’s to learning who I am. I really don’t know who I am now, versus who I was before. It feels so odd getting to know all of myself. It’s very odd, but a little exciting. Do I write the story of the scared being afraid of its own shadow, to breaking free of my own expectation. That is the question. I can’t answer that right now. I’ve spent a life, hiding. I spent a life seeking. I’ve spent a life in deep reflection and utter contemplation. I’ve wondered and wandered a globe searching for meaning for my life. My life that can’t be measured in societal standards and norms. No matter how much PT is working my body, my mind is undergoing bulldozing. Where what you once thought has been completely obliterated. God is using what I didn’t want to get me to what I’m in need of. Miraculous. 

Questions

 How has your day been?

What are you eating?

What are you reading?

Reign

 Why is so hard 

To trust the process 

For faith

To reign

God

You know 

It all

So help

Me

Release 

The fear

Fight

 Sitting here

Listening to 

Fancy Like

Southern living

At its finest

Catchy tune

Making me happy

On a Friday afternoon

Where sun and clouds

Are fighting for dominance

Wishing some warm heat

Would win the battle