Struggle

 Struggling today

I know the answer

Surrender

But what

I want

Is not

And you

Know what

It is

Control

Plans

 How was your weekend?

Are you looking forward to summer?

Any summer plans?

Lord

 Lord

It’s me

I’m at you feet

Craving a hug

From the arms

That have strength

To give peace

To a people

Searching for a hope

That isn’t hinged

On good works

Love

 When I pray to surrender, I didn’t think it would work. It’s a gradual process. I don’t realize it’s happening, but it must. I feel lighter and happier. Acceptance is coming. For the first time, I have actual, genuine hope. I didn’t think I could do it. It feels amazing. Love one another. 

Questions

 What are you reading?

What are you eating?

What are you buying?

What’s making you smile?

Lord

 When you see me

I can only hope

You see Him

In me

At the doctor’s office today, I had to get a new prescription for PT. Let me say this:  What I once despised I know I now need. I’m not fighting it. My left knee is in pain. It will get better. It takes time. With breath comes appreciation. If you ambulate, consider it a blessing. I will walk with pain as long as I can walk. Love each other

Yes

 Let my fear

Fuel my future

Let hope

Drive me

To be a person

Who doesn’t allow

Circumstances

Dictate my reaction

Yes

 Life

The mystery

And the miracle

When mixed together

Bring the brightest sunshine

The most cleansing rain

The joy

The gain

That is found

When one

Stops searching

And starts

Listening

Miracle

 Lord

It’s your child

Coming to you

Not to complain

Or ask why

I’m just thanking

You in advance

For the miracles

You will work

In my life

Office

 My office today

Is a back porch

Where I hear the 

Birds singing

And wind 

Cradling the trees

What’s your office look like?

Sunday

 On the cross

You bore

The sins

Of a world

That still does

Not merit

Your sacrifice

Giving so freely

Of self

So that

We may live

For eternity

Joy

 Listening to the song that started my journey to Christ and I have some observations. 

He will supply my joy. Each day that I take in breath I will thank Him that I am more than here. I’m living to glorify His work in me. It is a joy to live. A statement I would not only say, but actually wholeheartedly believe. With every inhale, I’m affirmed and accepted. He does great work. I am His Picasso. I am exquisite.

He is my joy

The One who supplies my joy is also the source of it. Every move I make, He is there to remind me from whom my joy is made. That is a gift I’ve never sat down to examine. Maybe this needs some attention. From the song of my spirit to my whisper of my lips, You are it. 

There is joy in surrender. As I recall my journey to Christ, I remember how I willingly surrendered my need to have an answer. There was joy in the process. I need to return to where my desire is not in the answer but in the question. 

May I enjoy the journey as much as I seek the destination

Turn

 Gratitude list

Time with a friend yesterday

You all are the encouragers of my dreams. Thank you. I never thought someone like me could be so loved. You prove it every day. And my gratitude is immense. Thank you. 

A sweet treat

Your turn

Favorites

 Things about me

Iced vanilla latte is my order

I love a good blanket

Sports romance for me involves love stories with athletes as the protagonist

I collect denim

Some of my favorite pieces are vintage from my mom

I love to wear rings

Jasmine and honeysuckle are my favorite scents

Finding Forrester is my favorite movie

Cherry cokes are my favorite

Know

 These past few days have been a rollercoaster. The end of last week, a wave of exhaustion took me down. I haven’t felt this bad in awhile. I tell you this because I need to remind myself that I need to rest, but most importantly, I need to listen. Truly listen. I need to take in what God is saying. I’m not paying attention. And I’m paying for it. I need to be still. I need to trust. 

My body has taken a beating, and I’ve not refueled properly

My soul is tired. 

I’m trying to please others at my own peril

I want too much right now, and waiting seems…fill in the blank. 

I’m surrendering my need to know right now

Favor

 Can I ask a favor?  I’ve been hearing this country song Need a Favor by Jelly Roll. It’s a song that’s making me ask some questions. Thank you

Me

 Some things about me

I love coffee shops 

Boutique shopping is my jam

I love to read sports romance 

Ask me any questions you have. Trying to make a post off your questions 

Face

 Monday 

You’re here again

Let me greet you

Like a long-lost friend

I haven’t seen in years

That makes me beam

Like a far off starship

Than an unruly neighbor

That grates my every nerve

Monday

You are 

That catchy tune

My head

Can’t seem

To quit

Hi my dear

It’s nice 

To see your 

Face again

Mom

 It’s Mother’s Day

And I’m grateful

For the one

I’m privileged

To call mine

Where I’d be

Without her

I don’t want 

To imagine

If you’ve been

Blessed with a great Mom

You know it

And so does 

The rest of 

The world

I love you

Mom

Growing

 Growing means that God has me where He wants me even if that’s not where I want to be. Growing means that I loosen my hold on the reins. Growing means that I simply aim to be present. Being present in the present is one of the hardest lessons to learn. It means I don’t take on tomorrow’s problems. It means that I enjoy the day. I enjoy the simplicity of a hot cup of coffee relishing the bold aroma as it hits my nose. It means greeting my rambunctious puppy with kisses and lots of attention. It means letting the dewy grass massage my toes in the early morning. Growing means letting go of worry to bask in my surroundings. Growing means giving up something so I can gain more. 

Hold water

 God 

It’s me 

The test is on

And it feels

Like I’m in

Sink or swim

Fight or flight mode

And Lord

Let me hold water

Fight and 

Grab your hand

Setting

 Once you finally make a decision such as the one I described yesterday, I don’t know why I thought I’d wake up fully hyped on faith to surrender. Newsflash:  Didn’t happen. I’m praying to surrender every moment, but I didn’t wake up full of optimism. I’m listening, but internally I’m fighting. I don’t want to fight. It’s my default. That’s what I’m calling it. Here’s hoping I can make surrender my default setting. 

Dove and betodine

 A friend suggested praying surrender prayers.  For the first time, I’m considering it. For me surrendering is akin to acceptance. When I surrender, I accept that I no longer have the answers that I need or like. I talk a lot about both, but don’t do either well. This is not new. If you’ve followed long enough, you know. The irony is I surrender every day when I share each day. I surrender my need my need for perfection. I don’t know whether this or that post will hit or miss. I accept that each day may be a terrible or useless post. I leave my thoughts in this space up to His discernment whether I’ve realized it or not. The question is whether I’m bold enough to follow it up in real life. On that table Monday, I briefly in that moment when I happened to think the doctor was washing my stomach with Dove soap instead of betodine. It’s amazing what your mind will conjure up to calm your nerves. I only realized it thirty minutes later when in a dressing room i saw my stomach was sticky and orange. I was so disappointed to not be smelling so fresh and clean. I will say to any healthcare professionals, don’t ask me if I’m ready.  I’m never ready. I will say this NP never told me a thing, and I appreciated it so much. Each appointment teaches me a new lesson. Love you all

Loved

 Deep breath in

Take it in

Let it out

Smile

And know

That you

Are loved

Beyond measure

Okay

 Let me say this

Body is in slow mode. I don’t like it, but Lord knows, I need to get over it. The culture of busyness is something I try not to let get to me. It does sometimes, though. Right now, it will be a miracle to do the dishes and walk the dogs. Maybe I need reassurance that rest is more than okay. 

Rest

Back from pump fill up. 

Thoughts

It’s a blessing for great healthcare

It’s a blessing for caring help

It’s so nice to be heard

I’m going to be resting for a bit

Any reading recommendations? 

Truths

 The completion of PT was Friday. Three months. 

In those three months, I learned several truths

I like to sweat. It feels like accomplishment. 

Once I start, I feel fierce

My body is a beast. It takes a beating, and keeps going. 

Discipline is key

My mental health improves with each move

Friday

 Happy Friday. Tell me something good my friends. Love you all

Prayers

 Tell me what’s on your heart?

Any prayer requests?

Yay

 Sweat glistens

As I listen

To the sound

Of deep breaths

Exhaled

And my legs

Continue

To cycle

Round and round

What are you doing for exercise these days?

Thank you

 Lord, it’s me. I find that these are my favorite posts. I have to remember my own humanity. My own need for mercy and grace. I’m finding day by day that I need to free myself from having to explain myself. I must free myself from the need to please others. Sometimes being selfish is actually being selfless. Pray for me

Thank you Lord

 Have to let

The anger go

The hope in

And let it

Wash over 

My being

Miraculous Monday

 Heading to PT today. One body part feels stronger, another feels weaker. Working on balance is testing my mettle. I’m a flailing whale, not a graceful gazelle. I know everything takes time, but do I feel pangs of what if. Why did God make me this way, where marching in place for thirty seconds straight makes my equilibrium shake. It also doesn’t help that I’m woefully out of shape. That’s a whole other issue. I can only handle one at a time. I had to talk to my best friend to remind me that CP is one part of my story, and I’m finally learning the other parts of my story. The world has defined so much by that one part, and so have I. Here’s to learning who I am. I really don’t know who I am now, versus who I was before. It feels so odd getting to know all of myself. It’s very odd, but a little exciting. Do I write the story of the scared being afraid of its own shadow, to breaking free of my own expectation. That is the question. I can’t answer that right now. I’ve spent a life, hiding. I spent a life seeking. I’ve spent a life in deep reflection and utter contemplation. I’ve wondered and wandered a globe searching for meaning for my life. My life that can’t be measured in societal standards and norms. No matter how much PT is working my body, my mind is undergoing bulldozing. Where what you once thought has been completely obliterated. God is using what I didn’t want to get me to what I’m in need of. Miraculous.