What are you watching?
What are you eating?
Where are you going?
This topic may not be a fun one, but I should want to return to church, but my heart isn’t there. I find the church now resembles politics and a hierarchy. Church used to fill a void, but now I’m sour. I have faith. I don’t know if Christ resides in the church. If you go, please help dispel what I now think.
I’m learning. I’m growing. It’s a most painful process. My pride is going. Lord, I’m battling. The body is listening. Now if I could get the heart to follow. This is a challenge. I need discipline and prayer. Show me what you want. Lead me. You know I want control and right now it’s not what I need. Acceptance. Is this what this is. Hope is real. Love you all.
I saw something on Instagram about discipline is more important than motivation. It’s true for me. PT is all about discipline. Some days I’ve lacked motivation to keep the new way of life going, but discipline keeps me going. For the first time, I’ve loving my body enough to fight for it. Do I look better? Yes. More importantly, I’m feeling better. I never trusted that my body could work for me, if I worked for it. Let me honest. This is the first time, I’ve truly worked for it. I just expected my body to hold up. Sustaining means working. I still don’t like working. I’m doing it nonetheless. My body deserves it. I’m finding when I take care of my body, my mind follows. My problems don’t cease, but I no longer let the problems stop me. Love you all.
I’m proud of my body. Never thought I’d write that. It feels good. PT has stretched my body and strengthened it, but it has done wonders for my mind. And that is the blessing I feel most for. Who knew a physical injury would start to heal my fractured soul. I’m facing the pain, and it’s been the best thing to happen in a long time. Love you all
Rest and perfection
I’m learning what it is to rest. Fully rest. I enjoy peaceful sleep. I haven’t in a long time. As my body heals, my mind does too. I needed this. I needed what I despise. I’m learning in PT, that my body may not achieve perfection. It doesn’t need to. I just need to sustain and improve. It’s a concept so foreign to me. To sustain. God, sustain me. Love you all.
You will face your fear
You will be too tired to think
You will discover muscles you never use
All of these are great, but the second is the most important. I don’t have energy to wallow. I complain about PT, but it lifts my soul. I realize I am capable, and that is what I need daily reminders of. I need to be reminded to love the body I have. I have two arms and legs. And that is a blessing. I needed PT to remind me of God’s goodness. Who knew when I hurt my ankle weeks ago, it would be a gift. When you think God is through teaching or using you, He makes Himself known. Love you all
The past will reappear. It’s worked a number on my psyche. It’s brought out the mental blocks. If you don't address your past, it will come back. And mentally my brain and I are doing battle. This has been exhausting. I’m learning that strength training is not for the weak. My body experienced fully puddled sweat. I’ve never taken cold showers. I did this morning. My ankles and feet are weak. My PT almost heard me shout expletives today. I almost shouting them now. Epsom salt baths are my friend now. Love you all
Thank you for your comments yesterday. You all gave me an attitude adjustment. One I needed. It’s a privilege that someone is able to whip me into shape. I woke up sour. And now after reading your comments I realize my mistake. I’m blessed that lovely human beings are invested in my success. Thank you dears for giving me what I needed even if you didn’t know I needed it. Love you all.
PT this morning. Physically I’m okay. Mentally, it’s taking time. Everything is a process. I’m realizing this will now be a part of daily life. My body has never felt better. Why is it we fight things that are good for us. I’m fighting what I know I need. I’m not fighting it outwardly. I’m warring on the inside. I’m fighting what I can’t have.
These are my daily thoughts.
After a few days of PT, here are my thoughts
The body can do amazing things. Even mine. I am being taught. My ego has been emptied.
Let people help you. I will say it again. Let people help you.
Pride will leave you as soreness replaces it
I’m exhausted but content knowing hope isn’t lost.
I’ve never slept better
Depression and anxiety are still present. Lessening daily.
I’m having to take on less. I can’t multitask. I shouldn’t be ashamed of this.
Mind and body have become my sole focus
God sees me even when I don’t see Him. He is present.
I hate being selfish, but again I can’t multitask. It takes almost all my energy to tend to my body right now.
Love you all.