Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Making America great again

Let me analyze this statement.  America has always been great.  It allows you and me to pray freely.  It allows you loopholes not to pay taxes.  It allows you to make erroneous claims about the President's place of birth.  It allows you to discriminate against anyone who opposes you.  It allows you to make your wares that you peddle in other places, but America.  Your not paying taxes and taking write-offs for everything means we the taxpayers paid for your wife Melania's 2,645 dollar Roland Mouret dress.  A French designer.  At least, Michelle Obama promoted the American fashion industry wearing ensembles from J.Crew and the like.  If you gave a darn about America at least you could pretend to do so.  Don't pretend to want to the American people any favors.  Good business and greed aren't mutually exclusive.  Good business is one thing, but greed is another.
You are a good showman to have middle class America believing the lie that you will be their champion.  You've have opportunities and squandered them.  You mock a disabled reporter, call Lester Holt's questions unfair, say that your former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski wasn't a little too close with a woman at the event where he later spoke with the Florida police.  You mock a Venezuelan beauty queen for adding a few pounds or calling Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig.  You have fooled the American people, but I will not be fooled.
Make America great again?  Start leading by example.


What is Trump's allure?


Thoughts on the candidates?

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Watching some of last night's debate has me saddened.  We have a bully who touts his own arrogance, claims it smart not to pay taxes.  He may get elected, because we are a me country.  JFK quote about asking not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country has been reversed.  We don't give a damn who we hurt as long as we are unhurt.  We only have pride in ourselves.  Frankly, we laud his boorishness and label him an outsider.  An outsider in politics.  No, if you believe that I've got a bridge to sell you in Alaska.  We love him, because he exhibits all we are.  Loud, brash and unrepentant until it bites us in the ass.  The silver spoon billionaire does not speak for me.  He lashes out at people who call him on his shit.  Sound familiar?  And if they offend you, call them fat or whatever fits you that day.  We are uncompromising SOB's until we need to brownnose.  I don't like communism, but it's appeal can be alluring for some.  I know I must vote, but this election has me dismayed.  Whomever wins, gridlock seems like a given.  I wonder what Jesus would tell us because He epitomizes the good of the whole.  This election feels like inni, mini, mini, mo.  Frankly, the problem, we don't read books anymore.  We don't enhance or expand our minds, we fill them will delusions of grandeur.  We watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  I bet you can name them including significant others, but can you name the first six presidents, or tell me what the Magna Carta is?

Monday, September 26, 2016


What is in your fridge?

Pride problem

This girl has a problem with pride and it ain't pretty.  Asking for help is treachery.  Letting my guard down is something I've never really done.  I hate being vulnerable.  I'm so used to projecting an image of strength that letting you see my weakness is a non-negotiable.  Pride will kill you faster than weakness.  Weakness shows you're human, something I always felt was a cop-out.  Maybe that's why I hate doctors' offices.  They have to find my weakness so I can be strong.
Truth is a b, even if it does set you free.

Saturday, September 24, 2016


Cerebral Palsy will never leave me and that's a hard part to swallow.  I was just thinking this year has given me lots of change.  Surgery and weight loss have taken its toll.  Right now, I'm fragile.  I appear strong, because it's my default.  I can't admit that stretching right now is a high intensity workout for me.  Physically, I look good.  Mentally, feels like a shattered glass.  It's hit me in blogland, I am an open book, who has written about constipation.  What will they think if they met me.  Here goes the trifecta.  The previous post addresses those.  God help me.

Take a pick

I have been ruled by three things. Anxiety, Fear and the Unknown.  Anxiety, will I ever be good enough for anyone, anything, or the expectation of myself.  Fear, that whatever I become is enough.  The Unknown, because precisely the fact is I don't know.  The one thing about American ideal is that we seek the best unless you want to be pigeonholed.  That is scary.  Why does the truth hurt so damn bad?  The truth has no way to categorize, it has no shades of gray.  The truth is there just waiting for you, whenever you ready.  The lesser of two evils as I'm listening to CNN is the background is a lie.  Evil is evil.  Choices have ramifications, and inaction leads to a consequence much deeper, regret.  Regret and resentment lead to apathy.  Apathetic people lead to anarchy.  And frankly, history is repeating itself right now, and as much as we say we care.  We don't.  If we did, we wouldn't have candidates running to secure a title.  This election reminds me of a monarch versus a autocrat.  The coronation or divine right.  The election is much like me.

Friday, September 23, 2016


After these posts, I'm learning that I'm feeling.  The spigot won't stop.  I don't know if I can go back now.  I worry what will they think?  I can't do it.  Years of suppression will overload the locks.  Should I let you see my brokenness?  Dreams are what keep me alive.  Maybe that's why I haven't been to Paris yet.  It's the one dream that keeps me going.  The City of Light unlocks my darkness.  In truth it's Jesus.  Without Him, I can't survive.  Every human disappoints, He does not.  I can't argue with a world I don't understand, and thusly doesn't get me.  Slowly, I come to grips, that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  I have to be okay with that.  I keep thinking back to that church in Assisi in which my soul sang, and for a moment my heart delighted pure joy.  There is something about an empty church with me and the crucifix and everything feels right.  I have suppressed everything thinking that's how you live.  It's how you survive.  Survival isn't for the fittest.  Anyone can survive? Will you live?
My life's goal is to live.
The 64,000 dollar question.
Will you live?

Thursday, September 22, 2016


What will disability teach you?  It will teach you that you are viewed as a second-class citizen unless you the disabled person proves to the contrary.  The only privilege you have is the one to take shit, and thank such oppressors for said shit.  Have I faced inequality and felt the need to apologize for my CP?  Yes, and I have done so.  Then, I realized that wasn't in my job description.  If it sounds like I'm angry, I am.  I have to prove I'm disabled.  The burden of proof is on me.  For every good person,  I meet a bad apple that makes me question every faith in humanity I have.  I have to prove my self-worth, because for some it seems God doesn't determine that.  I can hear the commentary, you should be grateful you live in this country, because in others they institutionalize you.  Let me say this, I didn't feel I had a right to speak about this, because it feels like complaining to me, and the last thing I am is ungrateful.  What I am doing is honoring this nation by voicing my grievances because it gives me the right to do so.  Folks, I have just realized that I have to speak for myself or be discounted.  Thank you Donald Trump, for the kick in the ass.
Don't mock us.


It's Fall.
Any favorites?

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Being real

After yesterday's response, I feel I need to continue.  Letting people see the real me is difficult.  For so long I have sprinkled fairy dust on the problem hopefully making it whisk it away.  I have known God is nudging me to this.  I can't deny it.  My writing talent is there, but my heart wasn't.  My heart may never fully be there, but God beckons and who am i to deny Him.
Cerebral Palsy and Constipation:  The two C's I have come to dread.  Spinach and Stretching are what help.  I look over at the rice at just wince.  I used to love rice until I realized I would hate it days later.  Stretching, a chore, I detested because it required work, and I'm lazy.  My body wants instant gratification.  Stretching reminded me that my body wasn't normal, and I hate working for something I should already have.  God and I fight.  My faith includes screaming, crying and everything I would rather not say.  You know you are getting better when you don't mind praying for God to help you go number two.  Disability ain't pretty.
Acceptance still is a b.  I just try to maintain grace.  A grace I don't deserve.


Best boot cut or wide leg Jean?

Thank you.

Thank you for the love on yesterday's post. It is so much appreciated. It made my day. Thanks again!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

It's here

Cerebral Palsy and I have always been friends, though not of my choosing.  God gave me the biggest blessing.  Being a trooper is a matter of necessity.  Life has taught me that once you clear a hurdle, you are not finished.  Cerebral Palsy has been as much a mental battle.  I rise and shine, then as some point during the day have a battle.  It's a daily fight.  I fight boredom, negative thoughts and tight muscles.  I listen to Christian music to bring me hope.  I have to fight me to have faith.  I have to fight  every perceived and real slight.  Being disabled in American society is a struggle.  Being disabled yet not clearly fitting in the box is harder.  When society thinks you can pass for normal, but know different is a fight everyday.  All men were not created equal, I don't believe that.  The deck is a pendulum in which some keep swinging hoping for some clarity.  And I fight because who else will?  A disabled reality is trying to fit a square peg in a round hole hoping the powers that be realize ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL.  Don't get me started on politics, because we know the candidates don't speak for me, and one finds me a disgrace to humanity.  And apparently, my disability doesn't show unless I give you my medical history.  Trump and Clinton, maybe you'd have to disclose yours if you were in my shoes.  What a damn luxury.  The doctors' office knows my voice when I call, can you say that?

Let me make a HUGE statement that you can recall:
I am a disabled square peg that doesn't fit into a round hole.

Monday, September 19, 2016


These are my thoughts.

I've lost fifty pounds.  I get complimented constantly that I look great, but folks I don't feel great.  I've lost fat and tissue in my feet that it makes it painful to walk more than two hours.

Acceptance and Cerebral Palsy are kicking my ass.

I live in a small town where fried and fat food is a way of life.

I eat Paleo, or that's what I tell folks.

I've tried more dating sites.  Promise leads then falters.

Paris is a dream.  I thought losing weight would prepare me to walk around the city, and now I can't deal.


Did you watch the Emmys?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Tuesday, September 13, 2016


I haven't blogged about life or my thoughts recently, and frankly I have my opinions.  Are they kind? Are they needed?  I don't wish to divide.  Division is all I see if I watch the news.  As an individual who has felt marginalized by society, I am learning a few things.

You can only be marginalized if you allow a perception to become your reality.
Victimization is different than victimhood
Acceptance of what is versus what could be
I'm only seeking to change myself.
I have dreams for myself that I chase.

Changing the world is only possible when and if I change myself.


Favorite ice cream flavor
Favorite app
Favorite football team
Favorite football food

What are your greatest blessings

What are your greatest blessings?

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Please pray

Please if you wouldn't mind, pray for my friends, The Shulls as they go to China today to meet their new daughter.  Shay is the blogger at Mix and Match Mama.