God is showing me what having faith really is. This morning was not my morning. I was very internally grumpy. I wrote my previous post to make myself believe it even if I didn't feel it. I then get one comment on Instagram that would change my tune. God knew I needed it. I am blessed, and when I don't feel it, I am quickly reminded.
Today I took the time to read a book. I took time to revel in the silence. To be one with oneself. I contemplated my life. I've come to peace with Cerebral Palsy. I've come to peace with my faults. I've come to peace knowing that the life I had come to despise, is one God knew I needed. I don't want answers. Answers don't breed peace, they breed heartache. Christ is the only Truth I want. I've come to realize I desire to want to want Him more than wanting Him for neediness. When I can show my hockey pucked abdomen and be proud, He's working in my prideful heart. Will I ever be healed or whole, I can't answer. I work best as a broken vessel.
In 34 years, I never thought I'd have to eat this much humble pie, but I'm consuming it daily. Good advice will come to haunt you with its accuracy. Waiting pays off it's just not fashionable. I could cry tears of joy. Focusing on the good.
I was thinking yesterday. Disability forces you to wait. And for the most part, I've not been joyful about it. AT ALL. These days, I'm doing an about face. I can't change a whole lot, so I'm changing the one thing I can. My attitude. I can't be bitter. Bitterness doesn't make my dreams come faster, it just makes the journey sad. Life isn't roses, but it's worth it's worth the attempt. God Bless.
Lesson: I underestimate God every day. I was so worried that nobody would wish me a happy birthday. I didn't matter. I want as popular as my sisters. I have been overwhelmed by the love, but the others words added to it were more than I could dream of. To be told you matter, it's one of the best presents I could have received. Thank you all. Your love for me is something that leaves me speechless. Thank you for speaking life into my weary soul. Money can't buy what you've given me today. All my life, I've been told one thing and shown another. Words matter. Thank you.
When you come to another birthday, You reflect. You thank God. You find that life's hardships and unfairness have made you who you are. I celebrate this day knowing I'm alive, "fearfully and wonderfully made" and blessed to know that with God I do not suffer vainly. My sufferings, joy and triumphs are all part of His Divine Will. John 15:4 "Remain in me and I will in you". Thank you Lord for making life worthwhile.