Tuesday things

 God is giving me through you the will to move forward. You feel my positivity. And all I feel is bitter. It’s the horse tranquilizer size pill they’d give you when you’re sick, and expect you swallow it with ease. Grief and gratitude are so intertwined it’s hard to see where one starts, and the others end. It’s exhausting. The blessing or not depending on how you look at this is how many more medical professionals get to be educated. For all their formal training, and God Bless it, some of the brightest minds in the world need an education. All that to say is I really wish I wasn’t the one to dispense it. Whoever said carousels as a child were fun, never rode them as they got older. Whole different story. Ballgame. 

I’m trying to get back into writing my whimsical dreams, but God has other plans yet again. And sometimes it stinks. So if you want whimsy, I don’t know when it will return. I wish I knew. Off to therapy to get my butt handed to me. 

God Bless you and keep you

Regine

Monday love

 Happy Monday. It’s a good day because I’m alive, and grateful for all your love on my previous post. Somebody asked in the previous post that they’d need to know my medical history to understand why I wrote what I did. Let me tell you, if I understood it myself, maybe I’d share. The fact is, I don’t.  My doctors don’t. Right now, I don’t know how or why what happened happened if that makes sense. I can’t worry about the why right now. All I can focus on is repairing the damage. I’m under no illusion that I can recover it all. I’m just on a journey to rebuild what can be rebuilt. There is no toxic positivity here. I just have to remain hopeful. If my mind goes, so goes the body. And that is something that I’m in position to lose. 

I’m learning daily that my mind needs to be fed the same or better than my physical body right now.  I’m having to be boring. No travel for awhile. My body needs to be strengthened to a certain degree before everyone is comfortable with me leaving to go anywhere but to the doctor’s office. Reality can be a buzzkill. So right now, I vacillate between a dream and a reality I must face. 

Love you all

Where I’m at

 This is the season of being planted where I am. There’s no glamour here. Just hard truth. My body needs my full attention.  As I get older, I can’t ignore any longer what I’ve done for years. My body is undergoing transformation in the hardest and slowest way possible. It has to be this way for a very long time. My physical recovery has no timetable because the fact that I may need physical therapy for the rest of my days is a painful pill to swallow. I can look at it and be grateful I have access to it, and I am, but there is pain too. 

Pain that for all the work I put out on my own is no longer enough. I need qualified personnel to kick my butt is something I’m trying to come to grips with. When you realize this flies in the face of what we Americans are taught every day. Work hard enough, and it will come. Wrong. 

Do I hate that my mission field is a doctor’s office. Yes. It’s not the mission field they teach you about in church. I’m being taken on a journey I don’t recognize. Maybe that’s the point. My mission field will never be the third world, it will be the one I live in. It will be teaching people that if you can walk without pain on a daily basis, not need naps daily, have a cabinet full of supplements along with too many Rx’s please and respectfully be quiet. 

My whole life I’ve made life look good almost seamless. Age and reality have made this prior approach obsolete. Forevermore. Let me tell you, my dream travel destinations have access to the best hospitals and doctors. Before I even think of going anywhere, doctors must know and clear me for my own benefit. If you’re wondering this eliminates more than half the globe. 

I write what I know, but Lord knows, I’ve never wanted to write about any of this. I find it redundant and depressing. Yet, God, brings me back here. Again and again. Every prayer asking for another assignment leads me back to this one. Message received. So yes I’m beyond exhausted having to educate people. Then, I think, so many others in worse shape, can’t do this. So on behalf of others, I continue. 

Teaching you all

To see me

As a human being

In need of 

Help

While acknowledging

My desire

For dignity and respect

I saw something that said to be like Jesus is to love someone who can do absolutely nothing for you, and loving them anyway. Honestly I don’t know if I’m doing absolutely anything for you. I question it daily. Yet you love me anyway. 

Love you all

Regine

Love the substance

 Let my focus

Be on you

Not my

Own grievance

My own desires

My own timing

For I know not

Why I can’t 

Wait on your goodness

In what’s to come

And right now

Presently 

Be content

Where 

I’m at now

There is 

A reason 

For every season

Even the waiting ones

My life 

Is not a 

Social media reel

With endless smiles

And designer bags

It’s a hard slog

One that 

Isn’t at completion

By a long mile

I’m learning again

Not the prettiest 

Picture painted

But it’s 

The most authentic

In a society

That desires

Style over 

Substance

Here 

We are

The substance

No matter

How much

The truth hurts

Friday

 When you start to get answers you’ve long sought, it is a relief. It’s not comfortable. The truth rarely is. Getting what you need versus what you want is the season I find myself in. I’m having to trust. And I don’t trust much. I’m learning so much in being uncomfortable. Not that I want to stay here. I want the good stuff. The hard stuff is bending me to a point I’ve not experienced before. How I’m not breaking, I don’t know. 

Speaking up for myself and my treatment as a human being is testing my resolve. I’m being told when I speak I go into fight mode immediately. I’m reactive. I’m a live wire ready to be lit. Forty plus years of being a doormat will do that to you. 

Some things I’d like to explain, not that I owe it to anyone. 

First, it takes time for me to succinctly describe what I need from you

Two, learning to communicate properly is a journey

Three, It always seems like I need to give a life history to get people to care. 

Not everyone is me. I can’t expect. Human decency is rare. We teach our children how to make a dollar, but we don’t mold their character. 

I don’t need to be liked, but I ask that you respect my right to exist. To live. 

I’m not getting my champagne wishes and caviar dreams era. I’m getting the school of hard knocks. I don’t like them, but I must need them. 

Happy Friday. 

Yesterday was hard. Today is new. 

Grateful for some snail mail that arrived that made my whole afternoon. 

Love

 Lord have mercy 

Lord be near

Grant me peace

As I go

Through each day

Love however

Hard

Seek peace 

Within self

Before communing

With one another 

Love

 Enjoying a 

Warm day

In January

Feels like

An early 

Smile

From you 

That this

Year 

May be

Better

Than expected