Where I’m at

 This is the season of being planted where I am. There’s no glamour here. Just hard truth. My body needs my full attention.  As I get older, I can’t ignore any longer what I’ve done for years. My body is undergoing transformation in the hardest and slowest way possible. It has to be this way for a very long time. My physical recovery has no timetable because the fact that I may need physical therapy for the rest of my days is a painful pill to swallow. I can look at it and be grateful I have access to it, and I am, but there is pain too. 

Pain that for all the work I put out on my own is no longer enough. I need qualified personnel to kick my butt is something I’m trying to come to grips with. When you realize this flies in the face of what we Americans are taught every day. Work hard enough, and it will come. Wrong. 

Do I hate that my mission field is a doctor’s office. Yes. It’s not the mission field they teach you about in church. I’m being taken on a journey I don’t recognize. Maybe that’s the point. My mission field will never be the third world, it will be the one I live in. It will be teaching people that if you can walk without pain on a daily basis, not need naps daily, have a cabinet full of supplements along with too many Rx’s please and respectfully be quiet. 

My whole life I’ve made life look good almost seamless. Age and reality have made this prior approach obsolete. Forevermore. Let me tell you, my dream travel destinations have access to the best hospitals and doctors. Before I even think of going anywhere, doctors must know and clear me for my own benefit. If you’re wondering this eliminates more than half the globe. 

I write what I know, but Lord knows, I’ve never wanted to write about any of this. I find it redundant and depressing. Yet, God, brings me back here. Again and again. Every prayer asking for another assignment leads me back to this one. Message received. So yes I’m beyond exhausted having to educate people. Then, I think, so many others in worse shape, can’t do this. So on behalf of others, I continue. 

Teaching you all

To see me

As a human being

In need of 

Help

While acknowledging

My desire

For dignity and respect

I saw something that said to be like Jesus is to love someone who can do absolutely nothing for you, and loving them anyway. Honestly I don’t know if I’m doing absolutely anything for you. I question it daily. Yet you love me anyway. 

Love you all

Regine

Love the substance

 Let my focus

Be on you

Not my

Own grievance

My own desires

My own timing

For I know not

Why I can’t 

Wait on your goodness

In what’s to come

And right now

Presently 

Be content

Where 

I’m at now

There is 

A reason 

For every season

Even the waiting ones

My life 

Is not a 

Social media reel

With endless smiles

And designer bags

It’s a hard slog

One that 

Isn’t at completion

By a long mile

I’m learning again

Not the prettiest 

Picture painted

But it’s 

The most authentic

In a society

That desires

Style over 

Substance

Here 

We are

The substance

No matter

How much

The truth hurts

Friday

 When you start to get answers you’ve long sought, it is a relief. It’s not comfortable. The truth rarely is. Getting what you need versus what you want is the season I find myself in. I’m having to trust. And I don’t trust much. I’m learning so much in being uncomfortable. Not that I want to stay here. I want the good stuff. The hard stuff is bending me to a point I’ve not experienced before. How I’m not breaking, I don’t know. 

Speaking up for myself and my treatment as a human being is testing my resolve. I’m being told when I speak I go into fight mode immediately. I’m reactive. I’m a live wire ready to be lit. Forty plus years of being a doormat will do that to you. 

Some things I’d like to explain, not that I owe it to anyone. 

First, it takes time for me to succinctly describe what I need from you

Two, learning to communicate properly is a journey

Three, It always seems like I need to give a life history to get people to care. 

Not everyone is me. I can’t expect. Human decency is rare. We teach our children how to make a dollar, but we don’t mold their character. 

I don’t need to be liked, but I ask that you respect my right to exist. To live. 

I’m not getting my champagne wishes and caviar dreams era. I’m getting the school of hard knocks. I don’t like them, but I must need them. 

Happy Friday. 

Yesterday was hard. Today is new. 

Grateful for some snail mail that arrived that made my whole afternoon. 

Love

 Lord have mercy 

Lord be near

Grant me peace

As I go

Through each day

Love however

Hard

Seek peace 

Within self

Before communing

With one another 

Love

 Enjoying a 

Warm day

In January

Feels like

An early 

Smile

From you 

That this

Year 

May be

Better

Than expected 

Memories instead

 Spending time

Being grateful

For the past

Thankful

For the present

AND

Hopeful 

For the future

For all of

The goodness

Grief and strife

Have forced me

To confront

The demons

The skeletons

That are no

Longer hidden

But fully

Open

To scab

Heal

And set 

The soul

Free 

That is me

Dreaming

Of Caribbean blue

Italian frescos

And French baguettes

While firmly rooted

In red clay

Until God

Says it’s

Time to move

And chase 

The dreams

Making them

Memories instead

Good day

 It’s a good day

To have 

A good day

Cheerios 

Coffee

And a story

Percolating

Waiting for

Me to write

Have a beautiful day. Love you all