This afternoon on the treadmill I had a moment of sadness. I remember the days when I could walk on it for an hour with no problems. No fear. No worry. Now, don’t ask how long I can last. It’s not even close to an hour. I started to wonder. Wonder what if. I realized quickly that thought wouldn’t serve me. I just shook my head, and continued walking.
I don’t know how long it will take for me to recover physically, but it will be much quicker than my mental recovery. There is no doubt about that assessment. I didn’t understand what my therapist meant the last time I spoke with her. I get it now.
Pray I can forgive myself for something I couldn’t control. Something I never saw coming. The decline was slow, yet rapid in a way I can’t explain. An oxymoron, I understand. To tell you the state of my soul, it feels like my online cart looks like new workout gear, protein powder and supplements. Rinse and repeat.
Coming out of the weeds of denial is a much harder issue to tackle. It’s being tackled, however, because for grief to be dealt with properly; it must be.
I’m learning slowly what it looks like to be my own cheerleader, until then my online cart purchases will be.
I too am dealing with not being able to do what I once use to do. I started to get depressed because friends that are almost 10 years older can do more than I can, so it made me work harder at my exercises that I can do sitting in my chair and my stationary bike, and I can see myself getting better, not where I would like to be but better. Hubby got me a treadmil because we thought that might help me to be able to hold on to something but I couldn't even walk fast enough on the lowest speed, my balance is so far off that I couldn't manage it at all, but I am just thankful I can still walk at all. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteLots of us are in a similar situation. I can't walk across a parking lot without being completely winded. But I'm working on it. Little by little. And so are you. And God can do the parts that we can't.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and love,
Betsy
You said you are your own cheer leader, that makes sense. You are the one who knows yourself best. As the Bible calls us to give others grace, we are called to give ourselves grace! Love ourselves and treat ourselves tenderly. Remember that movie Baby Steps? I always like that image.
ReplyDelete