Would you rather

Cook in the kitchen or sing in the shower
Climb a mountain or walk the beach
Meet Sting or act with Robert DeNiro
Eat clams or drink tea
Sunbathe in St.Tropez or live in Gstaad

Want vs.need.

I'm learning how to fight correctly. I'm almost exhausted enough to seriously consider total surrender. I'm learning that I want Christ, as opposed to just needing Him. I will always need Him,but will I always want Him?  Being me means I will always fight my pride. This is something I will fight. Being me means I will encounter injustice.  It's a fact of life. One I can acknowledge.  It shouldn't be. Sometimes I must accept that I can't change people, and move forward with the calling Christ has set before me. Acceptance of others leads to acceptance of self. A friend once told me I would come to a point where I would finally reach my point of exhaustion. I would get so tired, I would stop fighting the monkey. I had doubts this day would come. I no longer doubt.

Pick

Art lessons with Picasso
Cooking with Jose Andres
Shopping with Linda Fargo.

Never thought.

Realizing that we all want love and validation. God is allowing me courage to write words I wouldn't know when I'd be ready to write. I don't have all I want, but I'm learning true contentment until that day come.

Would you rather

Give up sugar or give up Internet
Meet Madonna or vacation with Richard Branson at Necker Island
Drink Kombucha or eat black-eyed peas
Shop at Barneys or Dance with ABT
Visit Sweden or live in Kenya

Faithful

Thinking again. God is so faithful to me, and I don't reciprocate.  Do I believe He can find me my mate?  I waver.  Maybe I'm tired of waiting. My life feels like a waiting game. I don't have enough gratitude or that dreaded p word. That is discussed in a prior post. I am a ball of uncertainty, when the only certainty is You.  You know every part of me, and that's scary. Refining is scary. Surrender. What you want. Are we ever fully surrendering?  Ripping the band-aid has been one of the most freeing experiences. I'm Regine, and I have Cerebral Palsy. Denial be darned. The dreaded d word. I could write a sermon on denial. I've spent years there. Freeing self seems so easy yet so hard.

Pick

LA
DC
Miami

Adventures in online dating

This is a post I didn't really want to write. As a disabled woman who doesn't drive and lives in a rural area, dating can be difficult.  After much consideration I chose to embark in the world of online dating. It's been an education to say the least. I joined a reputable faith-based site or so I thought.  My emotions have run the gamut, my heart has gone through the gauntlet. I have been excited, angry and numb at some point during the journey. I have communicated with some men who the spark wasn't there, and we gradually moved on, but this scenario was few and far between. I have had far too many Mr. X's who just wanted action, and I didn't sign up for that.  Sorry, but this "cutie" doesn't like that.   I've had my body scrutinized like cows at the cattle sale in search of imperfections.   My face has been not pretty enough, and my hips, buttocks and thighs have been analyzed more thoroughly than I could have ever imagined. I've had two experiences in particular that have shaken me to my core. The first, C, and I had gotten to a point where we texting for hours each night, and sending daily emails. I thought he was promising in that my CP was a nonissue to him, and he liked me for me. One morning, C text me saying he would be visiting a location close enough for my parents to drive me to meet him. I was nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. My excitement would be short-lived.  The next morning, I text C "Good morning" per usual. He texts back saying I sent you an email. I excitedly check my email. My excitement soon turned to shock.   Nothing ever ends well when the first words are "Full Disclosure Regine".  In the span of 24 hours, I would learn I was just one of the women he was talking to, and that he had found the "One".  He enjoyed talking to me, but that's it. We would no longer meet.  Case of cold feet some friends have said. I don't know.  To add insult to injury, the day before I was a social media sleuth, I looked him up on Facebook, I would find out that who he claimed to be from his profile pic and Facebook didn't match. I looked him up, I don't why. Maybe intuition.
This next experience leaves me shaking my head seeking male input. I had B send a message on the dating site asking about the photos I had posted. I tried to answer them the best I could. His verdict:  My ample bosom pleased him, no doubt. The problem upon further inspection was that my lower half looked heavy. This was a major sticking point. He informed me that my heavy bottom half would impede his ability to perform in the bedroom. Blame the thigh gap. I'm still in shock.  Men, can you explain this to me.   After composing myself, I replied that it was a no-go for me and best of luck. I thought this was the end of the conversation, alas  it was not to be.   He then answered, saying "He was a practical man, who took his husbandly duties seriously, and the ability to please his wife intimately was paramount."  It's my fault you can't perform. I have a many thoughts on this, but none are good. During this exchange my look of incredulity grew, I was speechless, and still am.
After many other experiences with online dating, I need a break. I get carnal urges and desires, I do.  I have them to, but I am not one purely looking to satisfy an urge. I am more than my body weight. Online Dating was a good thing in that it taught me what I am looking for, versus what I'm not. I believe the right man is out there for me, I just haven't met.

Would you rather?

Speak English or sing in Spanish
Run a marathon or Sprints
Eat greens or drink wine
Hugs or kisses
Visit Japan or live in France

Getting honest.

Honesty is a hard thing to have with self. Learning lessons the hard way. Seems it's the only way I learn.

Pick

Today Show
CBS This Morning
Good Morning America

Pick

Grass
Hard
Clay

Would you rather

Use a Bosu ball or do Pilates
Sing pop or dance techno
Pink nails or Red lips
Read or watch tv
Visit the Acropolis or live in Jaipur

Truth

The truth sets you free, I'm finding out. Discussing my Cerebral Palsy is painful, but necessary. It's a role, I never wanted, but now embrace slowly. The band-aid is slowly coming off.   God gets what He wants, you get what you need.

Faith

Do I trust God?  Really trust Him?  Trust Him with every desire?  Everything?  Honestly, no. If I did I wouldn't question why so much. I'm ashamed, but writing this helps me to see what needs improvement. My attitude. My sense of entitlement with God. I expect a lot from God, and I don't like waiting. I say that often. I haven't thanked Him enough. I haven't been obedient.   I'm focused so much on my wants, that I haven't thanked Him for supplying for all my needs. Thank you Lord for this body which I take for granted regularly. Thank you for nourishing me physically.  Spiritually, thank You for the lessons you continue to teach me. Lord, forgive me.

Pick

Beach

Pool

Lake

Honesty

My hearts hurts. Waiting is hard.  When we want what we want, and we feel like we're being denied. Having faith is hard. Having faith greater than my fear. I struggle. Finding joy in suffering.

Would you rather

Visit Europe or live in China
Eat curry or drink tea
Meet the Pope or your congressman
Word search or numbers
Play tennis or golf

Pick

M&M cookie
Milkshake
Ice Cream

Forgiveness

Heard the song 'Forgiveness' by Matthew West, and all I could think was I need all of this. I need to love the unlovable, and I need that forgiveness to free me.   Thank you Lord for letting me hear that song.

Would you rather?

Eat chocolate or drink tequila
Call or text
Watch television or play football
Win or draw
Type or write

The dreaded p word

Contemplated how much to share, but my pain has me thinking. Thinking is not a good thing for me. My pain has me in a state of what ifs. What if I don't find the "One"?  What if I'm unlovable?  Should I continue.  This sounds like a pity party, I'm well aware. This brings me to yesterday. In a local dining establishment getting an ice cream cone when small chit chat would knock me off my high horse. There was a wise African American male who let me go in front of him to order or so I thought. It turns out he was just waiting for his food. We got into a conversation about patience. The dreaded p word.  He said we have a problem with it because its not being taught. I told him I didn't have a good relationship with it. I'm always trying to get out of the way. He said I was fine. The problem was that "God would give us all we need."  I said not all we want. "He said that God never said life would be a rosy bush, but we would be merciful to give you the desires of your hearts".  I started complaining about my weekend, and how people had wronged me.  He stopped me mid sentence. He said my problem wasn't people, but my faith. Talk about being humbled. I wanted to respond, but knew I couldn't. The truth stung.   As someone who writes about faith often, I got a lesson in action. My life has to be a demonstration in faith, active, living faith. I was never more in awe how God could use an ice cream cone, my own words and this man in serving something I don't think I'll forget.

Pain

This weekend saw some highs then some lows. Heartbreak is not fun. I don't know whether to share. It's a pain that leaves me feeling undesirable and lacking. I know I can't generalize, but it's hard. I can get pretty negative, so I will feel the pain, and go. Trusting God is hard, but necessary.

Pick

Chicken Sausage
Turkey Bacon
Steak

Fear.

I hope I can let me pride and fear go.

Would you rather?

Give a hug or get one
Speak French or paraglide
Eat Chorizo or Cheese
Be a pop star or chef
Diamond or gemstone

Right

There is something that has got me thinking. That's not a good thing.  Why do we defend those who can defend themselves, but disregard the indefensible.  We are a divided people, period. I think we have a problem, one with no clear answer. As a person who writes this, I am responsible for my commentary in this space. I have to expect the good reaction, and the unsavory ones too. I chose it, by choosing to write this blog. There are some though who didn't ask for the slight that accompanies them. My problem is with those who as want the benefits of the limelight, but can't deal with the consequences. We have lost our nerve, our duty to do what's right even if it costs us. As the King and Country song says "Oh Lord Forgive Us".

Pick

Chocolate
Cake
Brownie

Faithful surrender

Surrender. What a word so hard to do. Knowing that once you do,  You admit that you do not know what's best for you. No control. Just faith.

Would you rather

Have a smartphone or buy a new camera
Eat avocado or octopus
Beach or lake
Doughnut or Pretzel
Hope or Joy

Go

One of the hardest things I'm having to do is letting go.  Letting go of fear. Letting go and just being myself. I am a great person, now I just have to believe it. My faith in Him has to greater than than the fear inside me.

Birthday

Today is my Mom's birthday. Loves me unconditionally. I love you. Blessed.

Pick

Newspaper
Internet
TV

Would you rather

Drink a Bloody Mary or eat grapefruit
Cut grass or Clean Bathrooms
Scuba dive or scale buildings
Watch scary movies or read a book
Use color pencils or markers

Fear then Trust

I am having to face fear in every form. It's not easy for every misconception, every hang up to be out there for every one to see. Why is so hard to let go, and when you do, you feel like you can breathe. I feel like I haven't breathed in years. When does the fear go away?  Or does it?  I don't know if I've ever fully trusted God. God is laughing. He is. Why is surrender then acceptance so hard?  I don't have answers, and maybe that's the point. Live. Just live