Friday

 Be the best 

Be the kindest

And see

The rewards 

You will receive 

Heart

 Letter to God

What I fill my mind with, my heart absorbs.  I’m not in denial of what I struggle with, I just choose not to light the flame. Part of being a part of the human experience is knowing that struggle is a given, but I refuse to add influence that aids the struggle. What I do know if that the refinement of my soul and story are in process. I’m looking squarely at my defects of character without hesitation. I’m proud I can do this today. I’ve spent years in denial. Years. What You have for me:  Prepare me. Stepping into the greatness, God. You’ve made this nobody into a somebody. Claiming victory. When I seek You with all my heart, I will be found lacking nothing, but gratitude. A gratitude I never knew was possible for me. I never truly sought to share my heart. In doing just that, I may have found it. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine 

Being

 Six A.M. workout 

Worship music rocking

Spinning in

The dark

Quiet time 

Looks so different 

These days 

I’m loving it. 

No news

No outside noise 

To pollute 

My mind

Happiness happened 

When I 

Put my joy

In something 

The world 

Decries

True rest

Within the confines 

Of my

Own being

Broken

 This morning as I was in the shower, the rain cascading down my back, I put my hands on the wall. I stopped to pray. I was overwhelmed with emotion, that in my nakedness, God was imploring me to speak. Speak to Him. Be wholly open. Be unapologetically His child. The one who isn’t afraid to honest to a fault. Is this was growth looks like. It’s breaking me. Being broken with Him isn’t a bad place to be. 

Break me

To build me

True strength 

Is releasing 

Who you

Thought 

You’d be

Before He said 

Let me

Take over

And show you

What brokenness 

Can yield

In the 

Potter’s Hands

Yes

 I’m having a realization. I don’t think I’ve been granted the desires of my heart, because what I want isn’t in line with God’s will for my life. As much as I want the glory, and therein lies the problem, I’ve been selfish in my desire.  God must be protecting me fiercely. Thank you for thinking I’m amazing. In the past, I would dispute that fact, but today I will accept the compliment. I may not think it or feel it, but I will claim it. Making an effort to change my habits. I’ve been speaking negatively about myself for years. Thanks to a therapist for digging to the roots with me. I’m not cured. I’m not sure I will ever be, but I deserve to love and be loved. Could it be: He hasn’t answered because the creation I needed to love first, is the one I struggle to look in the mirror. Forty, the year I stop bashing the one who least can afford the beating. Jesus, therapy and medicine, the elixir. The reason I still have breath today. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Preparing purpose

 Be humble

Not prideful

Let jealousy

Not permeate

Your soul

Your time

Will come

Remember

Not all that shines

Glistens

Be happy 

For others

For when

Joy is given

To others

You will also

Be measured out

A heaping portion

As well

Relish

The stillness

So preparation

Will meet you

With open arms

When you receive

Your reward

Lord

 Lord

You’re working overtime

Getting me to focus

Pay attention

Get my head

Out the clouds

I’m giving you

My eyes

Ears 

And heart

Because

I’ve been

A believer

A long time

But an active participant 

Not so much

I may give up

On self

But You remain

Staying when

I have 

Given You

Not a good reason

To do just that

Wanted

 Lord,

In my silence

Your work

Is achieved

In me

To be thanked 

For using my gift

Is the biggest blessing

And answer to prayer

One simple statement

Sent my soul ablaze

And my heart

A flutter 

Knowing 

What I do

Matters

If I’m honest

It’s all

I’ve ever wanted

24/7

 Right now 

I don’t have words

For what I’m feeling 

I’m just overwhelmed 

By love

That is poured 

Over me

Twenty 

Four 

Seven

Much like 

The baclofen

Streaming 

Into my

Spine

Love yourself and each other

Lord

 Lord,

It’s me.  The weekly sessions continue. I don’t see them stopping. I’m learning hard lessons. I don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe that’s the point. Silence is an action, I need to partake in. It’s in silence, my focus is shifted in the only direction necessary:  Yours. 

I need to run my own race. As much as I desire the journeys of others, You do not. Maybe it’s not Cerebral Palsy I need to accept. I need to accept the journey I’m on. Maybe it’s not to be well known, but to make You know. Riches and fame dwindle, but You do not ever decrease. 

I hate to write these words, but envy is the one sin I fight daily. And I will continue to fight it, until I can release it. I’m not proud of it, but to eradicate it, I must admit its presence.  

Lord

Have you way

So that mine

No longer

Strangles me

From

The inside out

Hand

 I had a brief change of scenery yesterday. My soul didn’t know how much it was needed. The wet roads leading to fogged up trees obscuring the peaks was magical. It felt like the land of enchantment only described in fairytales. The fairy tale was real yesterday, and its glory was one to bring a mere and human to tears. Sometimes, I need to be gently reminded to just look.  The rain surrounding me made a landscape feel so mysterious yet calming in the same breath. A calm mystery that didn’t need to be solved. I didn’t want to solve it, just bask in it. In the pelting drops, God was washing the weariness of the last week away in an instant. 

Seek the Face

That first sought 

Mine

Making a frown

Turn upside down

Knowing that

When the inevitable

Heaviness would return

So would His Hand

Apples

 Lord,

Another doctor, another day. It takes a village to care for a body like me. And yet, You continue to provide. I was listening to some worship music this morning. It was talking about human timelines versus His. My toes got stepped on, but it didn’t anger me like it would have in the past. I’ve been asking for something for years.  It has not been granted yet. It doesn’t mean it won’t. It means my request is not on His timeline yet. It makes perspective a bit more palatable.  The faith of my birth has a very important holiday happening now. I will observe in my own way if I feel led. The faith of my birth, and the one that saved me ten years ago intersect. Jesus and I are intertwined in the sweetest of ways. I used to denounce my former faith, but I no longer can. God chose it. It has taught me lessons I won’t forget me. Faith saves me from myself. It’s growth for me to recognize and acknowledge that my past has a purpose. My past for as painful as it’s been, has been good as well. Not everything is a bag of rotten apples. Thank the Good Lord for that fact. I would be eating lots of bad fruit. That would be neither fun nor pleasant. 

Love yourself and one another

Regine

Fall

 Cherry pie

And ice cream

Rainy days

Orange leaves 

Autumn days

I’m ready

For you

Build

 Build them up

Raise them up

Fuel the fire

That lights up

The next generation

And see what 

God will do

Thoughts

 Lord, 

As I age I am starting to understand. I don’t conform. Give me James Taylor and Carole King. Give me foreign films over Marvel. I’d rather speak any other language than English. I reread my favorite books all the time. The memories I swore I wanted to forget are now the ones I long to remember. I long for the recipes of my grandparents. I’ve tried to recreate it, but it doesn’t compare. The people I didn’t want to be like as a child, are the ones that I wish I could see again. I don’t know if forty is magic, or if I’m too tired to fight fate. God brings you to your knee, but if needed, He will sit you down Indian-style like a child. Don’t ask how I know. My mind just went blank. The tears are falling. They’re not sad, but bittersweet that I’m becoming the person You desire me to be. I always thought following God’s will or plan was a chore. I’m starting to wonder if what I’ve fought for years is now a blessing. An honor and privilege. I don’t know if my bank account will make me amenable of societal love and adoration, but I will say that the fullness of contentment in my bones is worth it all. 

Show

 When surrender 

Is actively practiced 

Freedom is not 

A passive pursuit

Taking the handcuffs 

Off God

Is when 

The fruits

Of the Spirit 

Are allowed 

To shine

In a broken body 

And sullen heart

Spoiler alert

 Let me say this:  it’s past time. I’m coming up for air, finally. One commenter said yesterday after my post that I’m very blessed. I wasn’t very pleased with the post when I hit publish. Five little verses or however many spoke to so many. What I thought was lackluster turned into one of the most loved by so many. It taught me a lesson. God turns our lemons into lemonade when we least expect it. It taught me that eloquence and big words are not what He’s after. He wants my heart. The broken vessel. The authentic self. He makes a poor soul very rich. I’m not talking about my bank account. Yesterday, I felt very useful to society even if that’s not to be my aim.  I’m very blessed in that God finds me still to a precious commodity worthy of being used for His glory. It’s the biggest honor. A few weeks ago I hit bottom. It wasn’t comfortable. He had to get my attention. He has it now. Being brought to your knees will do it every time. I realize my stubborn self will be brought to my knees as many times as He sees fit. When I am it is so I can look up. It is to remind me who is in charge. Spoiler alert:  It’s not me

Joy

 Lord

Grant me 

Your joy 

Your hope

And all

You desire

For me

Good

 This morning as I was scrolling Instagram, I found a post that warmed my heart. Sarah at Meet The Shaneyfelts announced an unexpected and miraculous pregnancy after adopting two beautiful boys. Even though children are not in my future, they are big blessings. Could you cover Sarah in your prayers for a smooth pregnancy. Stop by her blog or Instagram and encourage her. Love on her. God, You are good. So, so good. Lord, bless Sarah, her womb, her family. Show her Your goodness. 

Love yourself and each other

Friday

 It’s been

A great day

Knowing blessings

Are there

Whether

I see them

Or not

On this Friday

Let me be

Light and love

To a world

That could 

Use some

Love yourself and each other

Questions

 What are you eating?

What are you reading?

What are you buying?

What are you watching?

What is making you smile?

Love

 Lord,

It’s me. I don’t need to state my name. You know who is coming to you today. The weekly tradition continues. Another doctor down. It takes so much to maintain this body, but I’m grateful. It’s a privilege to be alive. There was a time that I didn’t feel that way, but I’m happy to say I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Thank you for giving me the love I wasn’t capable of for years. Thank you for holding me up, and may you do it for others. 

Love yourself and each other

Love

 Those worship songs

As a teen

Are speaking

To me now

More at forty

And it is 

Shocking me

To my core

Speak life

Into people

They don’t forget

Even if you do

Laboring love

 Laboring

For you Lord

Make my efforts

Fruitful and profitable

Purposeful and meaningful

Full of hope

And love

Heart

 Let me say:  thank you for all your prayers. It was a great appointment. I have hope. Jeanie, your words were so true. Yesterday was a win in my book, and my gratitude for it is immense. Never underestimate the power of great healthcare, and compassionate care. My soul is lighter. It feels good. 

When the love

Of God

Is given 

To you 

Daily

By strangers

That become

Dear friends

The hackles deflate

Because 

The heart soars