pride

 All I can say is thank you for all the prayers. My previous sentiments in a prior post that I just deleted was too angry. I’m having to accept situations and circumstances I don’t like. I’m doing what I detest. I’m doing God’s job. Mighty horribly too. A friend’s comment yesterday reminded me of something so true. I need to be offline more. I no longer know what is true anymore. I don’t know if it’s true, half truth or outright lie. And I don’t want ponder such nonsense that doesn’t improve lives, but furthers a narrative. It’s not just famous folk. It’s every day you and me’s that want to be something we’re not. 

Bringing me

Back to

Earth

Planting me

In humble

Apology

For my haughtiness

And pride

I guess

That sermon

I thought

Didn’t apply

Sure did

It only

Took an 

Angry diatribe 

To realize

the soul

 It may be the biggest shopping day, but I realize something. Only God can give me the desires of my heart. I have two in particular I’m still waiting on. I’m not good at waiting at all, but I know, I KNOW only He can grant me. I will say that it frustrates me yet gives me peace. I’m not saying if He chooses to bless me with physical gifts from others while I wait, I will be happy because to be loved in such a way is  beautiful. Right now, I covet prayers because waiting is not giving me pleasure. I don’t know what to ask you to pray for, because my selfishness would ask for God to give me what I want. And right now, selfishness, jealousy, bitterness in the form of impatience is a wicked combination. Not in a good way. I’m not proud to admit this. I’ve got to admit my sin so I can live in peace, seek forgiveness and be whole. 

Wholeness in Holiness

Dependent Surrender

Is the answer

Yet so hard

It’s a daily process

When did instant gratification 

Become so popular

Yet so destructive 

Smile

 What is making you smile?

Who is making you smile?

day

 On this day

I will 

Give thanks

For what

I have

What I

Don’t 

And for 

All my

Unanswered prayers

Waiting to 

Be uncovered

candied skies

 A few days

Amongst the peaks

Cotton candy 

Colored nights

Bright sunny

Mornings

Bring peace

To my 

Tired soul

Look out

Your window 

I’m here

Ready to

Be your 

Shepherd 

Require

 Rest

And obedience 

Is all you 

Require

Of me

Sheep

 God

Total dependence 

Means surrendering 

Everything 

Doesn’t it

Struggling to 

Trust that 

You can make 

My dreams come true

With a reality 

That keeps 

Punching 

Hard and fast

With relief 

A battle 

I’m wondering 

Whether 

To fight 

Lead me

Like a

Wayward sheep 

Thoughts

 I will never

Understand 

Why 

You 

Gave me 

Something

You don’t 

Plan

To rid me of 

Years ago 

I wrote 

The Blessing 

And The Curse

And right now 

My headspace 

Says the latter

Even if

I know 

I’ve been

Granted

More goodness 

Than I can 

Say

What is so

So big

That the blessing

Is worth the wait

Just trying to

To put 

Into words

What I can’t 

Begin to understand 

Much less explain

Wander

 My life

Is an exercise 

In waiting

Praying 

And praising

Nothing is 

Ever easy

Or clear cut

I need You

To give me

Strength

Not to

Give up

When the road

Splits

Trust me 

You say

When I can’t 

Trust my 

Own self

Every dream

I have

Is one

That takes

Exceptional miracles

To take place

And only

You can 

Make those happen

I throw in towels

Before you 

Can work

I don’t know

Why I’m shocked

Anymore

You make

The impossible 

Look like

A cake walk

And yet

I still doubt

In Your ability

Or maybe

It’s my 

Need to 

Have instant gratification 

Despite repeated 

Biblical passages 

That speak

Of the 

Wayward thinking

That occurs

When my eyes

Wander from yours

Questions

 What is bringing you joy?

Favorite Thanksgiving side?

Have you put up a tree yet?

What’s on your Christmas list?

What are you reading?

Snail mail in my mailbox?

Green bean casserole

Not yet

Postage stamps, Sezane gift card, books and new pens

Rereading old favorites. Any new recommendations 

Great

 Let me

Say this 

Lord

Heal your people 

So much 

Hurt

Anger

And indifference 

Guard my heart 

The company 

Kept

Essential to joy

I’m not happy 

Every day 

But finding 

Gratitude 

Is akin to 

Drawing breath

love

 Sending a hug

As many 

As I can

So many 

Hurt people

Hurting each other 

Out of fear

Of what

Isn’t known

Love yourself and one another 

Stoke

 Lord

Lead me

In your ways 

And remind 

Me that 

I’m not in charge 

Of fixing 

The problem 

I’m just not

To stoke it in

My attempt 

For attention 

Place

 Cold and rainy

Warm drink

And fuzzy slippers

Worship songs

On repeat

As focus

Is directed

In its 

Rightful place. 

air

 Enjoy the sunshine

It’s the natural

Mood booster

Lord

Thank you

Enjoying 

The small things

Begins

With the goodness

That never ceases

To make

The biggest smiles

Appear 

Out of 

Thin air

compassion

 As I start

The day

Center my soul

Where it’s needed

Humbly guide

My sinful nature

To lean

Into goodness

Love and humility 

As your child

Called to greater

Compassion and grace

For those who test

My ability

To display kindness

It seems

That those

Who have it all

Need it most

Love yourself

And one another

Has taken

On a new meaning

For me

divinity

 Love me

Lord

As only

You can

When sufficiency

And peace

Are flailing

And floundering

Upward I look

For if 

Looking down

Collapses my spirit

Faster than sinking ships

On Your day

Restore

To me

The first fruits 

Of Your divinity

positivity

 In the chilled air

I grab the coziest robe

The warmest coffee

And get ready

To greet you

All this morning 

With the love

In my heart 

The joy in 

My soul

And the hope

That only 

Comes from

A relationship 

With the Creator

Positivity 

Takes work

Continued commitment 

To seeking light

And laughter

From the 

Mouths of babes

Goodness and light

 Hold the light

Guard it

Like precious time

Once it dims

It takes awhile

Reigniting

Finding goodness

In everyday

Has become

My new job title

It’s almost

As essential

As taking breath

Is to my survival

In DC I took a little journey to the Botanical Gardens, and I took pleasure in not only admiring each rose, but leaning down and smelling them. Taking the adage literally was the best thing I could do for myself. That week I walked and walked. I took the time to pet every dog, Eat every delicious bite. And shop til I dropped. 

Real life connection is where it’s at right now. Gearing up for Christmas card season. My favorite. 

Love yourself and one another

inside out

 Reveling in refreshment

Rain wash away

Every impure thought

Each false accusation 

And leave me

Cleansed

From the

Inside out

Community

 So kind of you all to check on my mental health. I appreciate it more than you know. I’m dong better. I’m seeking community in real life. The more I limit social media the happier I am. I don’t want curated feeds. I don’t want projected perfection. It makes me crave that feeling more than I should admit. I’m very human in need of a God who guards what’s His. That being said, I added another Instagram account with a working link to the blog for those who want it. I’m being very careful as to who or what I follow. If you want to leave your Instagram handle for me, you can. If not, no problem. 

And it took a stop into a local post office and drug store to make me feel better. Two ladies who took the time to help me, not rush me and told me to take my time. Who gave me their kindness and time. Nothing extraordinary it seemed, but lifted my soul in ways that leaves my soul weeping happy tears. I treasure every good day. Every unexpected moment of joy. Every ounce of love that is in my way to receive. 

Love yourself and one another. 

love

 Planted in love

Grounded in love

Abounding in hope

Rooted peacefully

Knowing

For all

I’ve not

Yet uncovered 

The firmament 

Of Your Word

Never ceases

To leave

My heart

Leaping joyfully

In the knowledge 

That Presence

Precedes

Obedience

offered

 Every time 

I think

I’ve learned

What God 

Wants from

Me again

The reminder

Isn’t subtle

Anymore

He shows me

My disdain 

And utter contempt 

And He raises

The stakes

Ups the ante

And shows

Me where

My faith

Has some

Gaping holes

Grace He gives

He doles out

Hard truth 

Without impunity

He says

Stop looking

To humans

To satisfy

They mean well

But their 

First instinct 

Isn’t your 

Best interest

They will sell

What you most covet

Happiness 

Joy or contentment 

The fact is

Humanity

Can’t provide it

No money

Or person

Can give you

What I have

Your trust is misplaced 

I seek You

I want You

Not for what

Is offered 

But by 

What I hope

To bestow

Upon you

Created in love

Always and forevermore

life

 Life is 

Not fair

At times

Whether

It’s a bad call

In a sporting event

Where it seems

This team 

Gets breaks

More than others

Or marginalized people

Have to fight battles

For centuries 

Because it’s de rigeur

I’m learning 

That some fights

Aren’t mine

And I accept 

Again what

I can’t understand 

Because 

Bitterness

Jealousy 

And anger

Emotions

I can’t afford

To keep 

Any longer

If my desire

Is to live

Peacefully with self

Do I want fame

Fortune

Or a picture perfect

Relationship

For the world’s

Consumption 

God is having

A field day

Breaking down

The walls

While I’d like

This process

To be quick and timely

It is not

Deliberately slow

Feeling every crack

And break

With an archer’s 

Accuracy and precision 

Surrender

It always

Leaves me

Tongue tied

How you teach me

In different ways

The answer

Remains the same

Love yourself and one another

obeyed

In the early morning

Rains

Refreshment found

In watching 

The grass grow

Sipping coffee

In silence 

As I wait

For your words

To lift my soul

Resting 

And realizing

Not every day

Will be great

But with breath

I start again

To be worthy

Of the call

I’ve been given

The call 

I pled 

Not to have

Is the one

I now 

Live out

Please don’t 

Tell Him

What is 

Not desired

That is 

What you

Will be

Asked 

To fulfill

My life

Of service

Starts

With a whisper

That becomes

The undeniable roar

Until obeyed

yes

Christ

My life

Is not 

My own

It is yours

It is You

To whom

My allegiance

Lies

Lead me

In the knowledge 

Of peace

Hope 

And love

peace

 Finding peace

Will only

Come when

I realize

All humans

Are flawed

And fallible

Selling us

A version

 Of themselves 

For profit

Praise

Or whatever

Is sought

The fact is

I’m not

To judge

For whatever 

Is shown

Is yours

To choose

Free will

What a thing

We have

Use it wisely

I don’t have

To like everyone

I don’t 

But as 

I’m reminded

I’m called to love

And that 

Is not 

A negotiable request

kindness

 God

You love

My eccentricity

Where I 

Gravitate

Towards

Nicks and Taylor

No bubblegum pop

Where I keep

Loving those

Who don’t return

The favor

So easy

To hate

What we don’t like

Myself included

Have to let

You rid me

Of my biases 

MLK Jr

Said hate

Was too big

A burden to bear

When will

We learn

You know

My dreams

But right now

You want my soul

Before the world

Crushes it

Glory 

Records

To be remembered 

And yet

Everything 

With time

Is eclipsed

Broken

Waiting

To be conquered 

Cerebral Palsy

Forces me

To live

In reality

One that 

Isn’t pretty

Or forgiving

Yet acceptance

Of the 

Immense privilege 

I have

That you provide

Kindness

In unexpected ways

Love

 Up with 

The roosters

In deep 

Meditative repose

Covered in

The love of

The cross

Man is

No substitute 

For you

Give me

Strength 

To rise 

In confident

Power

Not fearing

What isn’t certain 

Realizing 

I’m not

Called to like

All circumstances

But love

That is 

Another story

You don’t abandon 

Following in

Your instruction

majesty

 Finding peace

In arms

That are

Big enough 

To calm

Every anxiety

Choose hope

Above all else

In the clouds

In majesty’s majesty

I trust

What I 

Can’t understand 

Guide

 Lord

Guide

My heart

And tongue

In loving restraint

island

 I needed to remind myself. It is not conformity or popularity I seek. The cross and the center of His will can be a very lonely place. No man is an island. Thomas Merton you had it right. The island is where I find myself. Trying to guard my heart. My tongue. I surrender every day. Praying it sticks. 

Learning to 

Not repay 

Disrespect 

With the

The like

Living out

The commandments

Gets harder 

By the day

The entitlement 

Of man

Seems to increase

With each dollar

Of added wealth

A wrong

Multiplied

By another

Whether justified

Leaves one

No better

Than the perpetrator 

Love me enough 

To give it

Away freely

Amen

 No TV

For a week 

And limited 

Social presence 

Made me

Content 

More

Than

I’d like 

To admit 

Engaging 

With everyday humans 

Not inflated thoughts 

And hubris 

Seven days 

Is all

It takes 

For you

Lord

@rkrsrue

 In an effort to grow, I’ve added an Instagram page devoted to the blog. It’s @rkrsrue. Thank you. I’m learning as I go. Thank you for your patience. I’m learning not all change is bad. 

DC

 I’m home. Grateful and blessed for a week that taught me what strength is. I was in Washington, DC to see a friend. I walked and walked. I shopped. I ate so much good food. Let me tell you what I found. God gave me a peace I can’t explain. From the beginning to its conclusion today. I was in Nordstrom being prayed over. It was one of the most poignant moments I’ve had. The TSA screener offering me a hug. The grace given in the metro for me to find a seat. I was given mercy and love. The only thing I did was be myself. That was enough. 

I’ve spent a lifetime apologizing for how God made me, and this week I was asked to stop. Stop apologizing. Stop making myself small to make others feel their own humanity. I wasn’t asked to speed up. I was asked to just be me. I realize that is what I ask of you. Be yourself.

I’ve spoken multiple languages. I’ve greeted all I meet. I pet every dog I could. What I want to do is thank God for doing what I couldn’t do. I truly believe people can tell if your heart is pure. Most times I didn’t need to ask. It was offered. God will meet you where you are. This is what surrender looks like. And it’s a wonderful thought. 

Love yourself and one another

Love

 In your Presence 

I’m wholly found 

Love

That’s what 

You are

Speak

 Lord

In all your splendor 

Speak 

On my heart 

Open my mind 

Lean not 

On my own understanding