Growing

 Growing means that God has me where He wants me even if that’s not where I want to be. Growing means that I loosen my hold on the reins. Growing means that I simply aim to be present. Being present in the present is one of the hardest lessons to learn. It means I don’t take on tomorrow’s problems. It means that I enjoy the day. I enjoy the simplicity of a hot cup of coffee relishing the bold aroma as it hits my nose. It means greeting my rambunctious puppy with kisses and lots of attention. It means letting the dewy grass massage my toes in the early morning. Growing means letting go of worry to bask in my surroundings. Growing means giving up something so I can gain more. 

Hold water

 God 

It’s me 

The test is on

And it feels

Like I’m in

Sink or swim

Fight or flight mode

And Lord

Let me hold water

Fight and 

Grab your hand

Setting

 Once you finally make a decision such as the one I described yesterday, I don’t know why I thought I’d wake up fully hyped on faith to surrender. Newsflash:  Didn’t happen. I’m praying to surrender every moment, but I didn’t wake up full of optimism. I’m listening, but internally I’m fighting. I don’t want to fight. It’s my default. That’s what I’m calling it. Here’s hoping I can make surrender my default setting. 

Dove and betodine

 A friend suggested praying surrender prayers.  For the first time, I’m considering it. For me surrendering is akin to acceptance. When I surrender, I accept that I no longer have the answers that I need or like. I talk a lot about both, but don’t do either well. This is not new. If you’ve followed long enough, you know. The irony is I surrender every day when I share each day. I surrender my need my need for perfection. I don’t know whether this or that post will hit or miss. I accept that each day may be a terrible or useless post. I leave my thoughts in this space up to His discernment whether I’ve realized it or not. The question is whether I’m bold enough to follow it up in real life. On that table Monday, I briefly in that moment when I happened to think the doctor was washing my stomach with Dove soap instead of betodine. It’s amazing what your mind will conjure up to calm your nerves. I only realized it thirty minutes later when in a dressing room i saw my stomach was sticky and orange. I was so disappointed to not be smelling so fresh and clean. I will say to any healthcare professionals, don’t ask me if I’m ready.  I’m never ready. I will say this NP never told me a thing, and I appreciated it so much. Each appointment teaches me a new lesson. Love you all

Loved

 Deep breath in

Take it in

Let it out

Smile

And know

That you

Are loved

Beyond measure

Okay

 Let me say this

Body is in slow mode. I don’t like it, but Lord knows, I need to get over it. The culture of busyness is something I try not to let get to me. It does sometimes, though. Right now, it will be a miracle to do the dishes and walk the dogs. Maybe I need reassurance that rest is more than okay. 

Rest

Back from pump fill up. 

Thoughts

It’s a blessing for great healthcare

It’s a blessing for caring help

It’s so nice to be heard

I’m going to be resting for a bit

Any reading recommendations?