On the beach
As I scan my view
The high rise
Behind me
The turquoise waters
In front
As I lather
SPF
And shake
My head
That for today
My reality
Is utterly glorious
God
What you made
Is making me
Very happy
And for that
I say thanks
With grateful appreciation
Heard the Dan and Shay song Bigger Houses this morning. It’s slowly becoming a favorite, if only to hear my favorite lyric. Something to effect or learning that happiness isn’t always found in bigger houses. I used to believe the what if’s. If I wasn’t born with CP, life would be easier. Now, as I look on it, I’m not so sure. I wanted the fairytale that most girls dream of. Now I realize fairytales don’t exist in real life. We want them so bad we write books to give ourselves the illusion of what we want.
I bought a shirt in the Georgetown, DC neighborhood that says not broken. It’s from Bitty and Beau’s. Please look them up. Being in there at first was uncomfortable. Just being honest. Then I realized these were my people. They loved working. They loved being helpful. They loved life. And frankly the twenty five dollars I spent that day, I more than got my return on investment. Literally and figuratively. I wear it whenever I have a bad day, or just need to smile.
A physical and emotional memory I don’t want to forget. So when I want the finer things, I remember that day when a t-shirt and peppermint bar brought delight to a face that hadn’t seen in too long. Do I still have days where I wonder what could have been. You bet. Won’t lie. I’m just trying to have more days with genuine happiness and where there are no questions that need asking.
Some thoughts
Need some rain. Heat index to 107 degrees. Lord, make it happen.
Online shopping is my jam right now.
Sitting Indian style while I work is a new joy.
The dirt underneath my feet makes me happy
As you get older, you will change. Your hopes, your dreams. Maybe expectations.
Everyday I read for pleasure. Pick up a book, put down the internet
Looking out the window
My soul smiles
My body dances
My world is rosy
Because following
The heart
Has been
The medicine
For the ailment
Plaguing me
I’m eccentric
I admit it
Give me Yo-Yo Ma
Over the latest beats
Give me my sister’s cooking
Over fast food
Give me long dresses
To being scantily clad
Give me a nice wine
Or Perrier
Over pop
And my mouth
Waters in anticipation
Love your now
Appreciate it
Grateful is
The best perfume
While I await
The dreams
Of the deepest realms
To sit
Until ready
To show
Its face
In the land
Of the free
And the home
Of the brave
Under the flag
Of the red
White and
Blue
So honor
Those
That make us
Truly beautiful
And blessed
God,
I took rest for granted until it’s the only thing that would fix the problem. Sometimes trying to fit into the box is more harmful than anticipated. I actually attempted to meditate. Lasted five minutes. Letting my breath be the only thing I hear was more challenging. Being still with myself was harder than I thought. I did it. Pumping the brakes is what I need. Not what I’d want. Needs are eclipsing wants these days. It’s a wonder anxiety lifts when we listen to what our bodies are not so silently telling us.
Eating a slice of thin crust supreme pizza, reading a good book or checking out a good sale is bringing me joy today. Joy isn’t manufactured. It’s created in the moments we don’t realize are special. Fairy tales are nice, but reality is where I reside. It’s in the dog’s whimpers and cries to go explore. It’s in the country song that rattles my cage. Those lyrics are too darn true for my liking. It’s in my two dollar Old Navy flip flops covered in grass stains already. It’s in my twenty year old watch that still tells time.
So today, I will eat cut up watermelon, spit the seeds and let summer simplicity be my guide. The season of heat isn’t teaching when to strike. When to sit. When to savor. When to relish the taste of a refreshing popsicle after hours in the chlorine.
Here’s to pop ups, fireworks and independence from our own minds. Mine needs a hiatus. Love the life you live. It’s the one chosen for you to enjoy.
God,
Grant me peace
Serenity
A desire
To look inward
Not want
What the world
Tries to sell
Don’t react
Live in harmony
With self
And find
That what
I want
Isn’t anything
That I can hold
Yet holds me
Let me not
Become an explosion
Upon detonation
But a calm presence
In the storm
As I was stretching this morning, i came to a few conclusions. My mind and body are not where I’d like them to be. My mind and body needing watering and pruning daily. Missing a day is not optional. I’ve striving too much for an answer. Would I like God to just deliver like Domino’s Pizza. I sure would. It doesn’t happen that way. What if there was a satisfaction guarantee for those who wait. My therapist suggested that instead of worrying about what I write, just write. Write because it makes you happy. Write because the frustration has somewhere to go. Write because it’s what you do.
The point is to have fun. Even if the finished product is crappy. The fact is you didn’t delete your thoughts. You let them stand. It is proof that what is shared is your heart. Raw and unfiltered. You’re job as a writer isn’t to paint a picture full of rosy fluff, but truth that isn’t crude or rude. It’s as honest as you can be without revealing your innermost fears. The ones you share with God and me.
I need you to see that glass houses can only shield us for so long. The lies we tell ourselves will shatter faster than the cup that slips from fingertips. Growth is that acknowledging that acceptance is a daily activity. Acceptance isn’t a permanent gift, but a daily practice that is practiced daily. Acceptance isn’t finding or placing blame. It’s a learning curve.
Life is not mastered or something to be mastered. Life isn’t a game to win. Life is what it is. It is a process of gratitude for opening eyeballs to start the journey once again.
So honestly, I’m writing right now to keep putting words to paper, and let them sit there. Whether I like what I’ve written. Writing to restore joy to creating what is in this hard head.
