Dialogue

 God, it’s me, Regine. My mind is all over the place. I know You’re there. I just wonder where I am. Am I stuck in my own malaise, my own fear. I know when I ask questions, I grow. Growing is never an easy process. I’m doing the things right now, I swore I never would. Don’t tell God never. You will end up doing that thing. I ask how your heart is, because I can’t focus on myself anymore. It brings anxiety. Thinking is not a good thing anymore. I must pray and go and do it. I will convince myself to not do the things I must. 

So what is really on your heart?  Anything you’ve read that’s struck a chord?  When you share you story, it reminds me to share mine. The unsavory bits included. 

Love

 Things about me

Love gelato

Ready for sweater season

Favorite meal is breakfast

Love dogs

Love watching tennis

Your turn?

Love

 Good morning 

It’s a great day

Because Your Love

Surprises no one

Season

 Summer seas

Lead to 

The arrival

Of fall leaves

Followed by

White mountain peaks

Heart

 What is on your heart?

Friday

 Friday Five

More snail mail arrived

Looking at fall clothes

Found new stickers

Finished watching a Netflix show

Waiting for the US Open to start

Yours?

Present

 What’s on my heart today?

Anxiety rolls in like a wave.  I’m remembering Martha’s Vineyard. The boat rocked, the waves crested and crescendoed, and I was stronger for it. I’m thinking God is rocking my boat so I can focus. I’m distracted and in the what ifs. I must be present in the present. So simple yet so true. What are you learning today?

Pray

 Any prayer requests?

I have a few

Pray for a friend and her recent cancer diagnosis

Pray for healing for a child still hospitalized after an accident

Pray that I may trust God in everything and anything

Rise

 This is a summer of stillness. I’m having to be quiet. God is well aware of my desires. Trust me. I’m in the season that make you insane or send you running into the arms of the Father. I’m remembering that my way leads to pain, lessons and an inward I told you so. If I’m feeling redundant in my posts, it’s because it’s true. I need to relearn the same things day in and day out. It feels good to just breathe in, and inhale an air of gratitude. I’m having to be grateful in the small things. I overcomplicate simplicity. Overthinking is a day job, mine.   The truth is like a prickly thorn, pinching in those spots we try to hide. 

Thought

 Breathe in

Breathe out

Release yourself

From what

You weren’t meant

To bear

Monday

Focusing on 

What I control

My attitude

Equals gratitude

Because life

In imperfection

Gives a grace

A mercy

This child needs

Sunday

 Any Sunday plans?

Friday

 Happy Friday

Smile wide

I’m alive

Off for some coffee

And a pastry too

Day

 Recovery is sometimes very strange

Takes more time than you want

The test I must take

Every day

Wins

 Tell me your wins?

Shattered

 I’m getting back to myself, but I must be honest. The physical scar at my abdomen, it hurts to look at, which is strange. That scar enhances my quality of life. No life of wheelchairs and painful contractures. I told the doctor I’ve had this pump almost twenty years. I don’t want to imagine life without it. Who knows if I’d have the strength to blog, to travel, to live a life most like me can only fantasize about. It’s not lost on me. I’m also reminded that physical scars are the evidence of their existence. The ones mentally only I know are there. The physical reminder is one that now fuels my desire to address with truth what holds me back. I will get there. I remember anything worthwhile takes time. My mental health is worthwhile something I didn’t believe. I thought as long my body could be dealt with my mental state would magically heal. Pure folly. I now know better.  I’m good at hiding. Gold medal performances that led to torture. I’m listening to this song now about control. I happen upon its arrival every day. God shows up even when I don’t seek Him outwardly. I hear the song, and His appearance is near. He knows I need Him.  I’m so tired of being dependent, but God says you are.  It’s not something to shrink from. It’s not a bad thing. It’s raw and true. The perfect combination that makes a great follower of mine. Accept the gift. The surgeon split you wide open and put you back together again. I’m about to do that to your broken soul. I do my best work with shattered shards. 

Roadblock

Cerebral Palsy tests me every day. The physical I’m used to by now. It’s the mental battle. I don’t fight the body as much. There are answers physically. Mentally is a different animal. I wage war. The blessing is that now I’m aware of what I stare down. And for that I’m grateful. Mind over matter. Finally makes sense. Where I must adjust. I’m never ready. I’m coming for the roadblock that I’ve never addressed. 

Musings

 Waking up

A blessing

Even if 

I got up

On the 

Wrong side

Of the bed

Questions

 Last thing you ate?

Last thing you made?

Last thing you drank?

Last thing you bought?

Last person who made you smile?

Walk

Walking around

Feeling the breezes

Surround me

And lift my face

Upward

Yum

 Summer sun

A warm buttery biscuit

That awakens 

All the senses

Joy

 Smiling so big

I feel free

Humans just want

Commiseration

And a little praise

Up

 Waking up

Joyful

Because I’m alive

And God continues

To exceed my expectations

Blissful

 Curled up

In a blanket 

On the couch 

Is pure perfection

Right now

Heart and soul

 What is on your heart?

Prayer requests?

Soul feels

 I’m having to take it moment by tiny moment. I have to remind myself that physical and emotional healing takes time. I’m making strides, but i have to remember to slow down. I get easily tired. That’s okay. I’m having to accept and live in denial. Truth, the only rubric that matters. Progress is not linear. I accept the disability. The fear it brings. I don’t like it. It’s there. It’s a daily reminder to keep it forward. The only thing looking back does is remind me of what could have been. I don’t live there. Thank you for reading what my soul feels. 

Good

 Feeling good

Lord, you provide

Just not on 

My timeline

I’m learning

I must get out

Of me

To be happy

Thank you

 I’m finally starting to get back to myself. Still taking it easy. Thank you all. I never want to take for granted the blessings that you bestow on me whether I’m knowing of them or not. 

Thank you

Thoughts

 If I’m being honest, I’m ready to be better. I’ve slept more than usual. Showering feels herculean.  I know I need rest, but I’m getting restless. I shouldn’t complain. Tell me your wins. 

Stay

 Learning 

More at rest

Than I 

Could ever

Explain

Grooving

 Wipe the sleep

Coffee wafting

Music cranking

Getting back

Into a groove

Wins

 Grateful for another birthday 

I’ve been on the couch 

Recovery is slow

Tell me your wins