When I see
You
Smiles
Erupt
For the heart
Has finally
The reason
The organ beats
The sun that shines
The reel
That keeps spinning
And the joy
That doesn’t
Go out
Under pressure
The arms
That circle
Mine
In an embrace
That goes
On and on
Because
Being burrowed
In warmth
Is an ecstasy
Where parting
Is sweet sorrow
Mixed with
Pure agony
I never thought God would change me. After reading your recent comments, I realized that the change has been so subtle, I’ve not recognized it. I’m kind of glad I didn’t know until now. I would have fought Him. I just didn’t know He was working. And that’s the biggest blessing. I always wonder if I will run out of things to say, it hasn’t happened yet. I’m grateful. I’m grateful He still finds me a viable vessel.
You gave me the best morale boost telling me I’d be missed if I stopped writing and sharing with you publicly. I used to want to hide. Now, I see that hiding left me to loneliness and despair. I think I continue because the community here affirms my talent, my worth, my humanity.
There is a lot I don’t know. I just feel I will continue as long as I’m meant to do it. I’m the richest poor person because you love me so well. I never knew people could and would love a person like me. So flawed. A person who needs help daily. And yet through you, He provides.
What He sees in me I will never know or understand. I love you all. Thank you for being the love of Jesus. It doesn’t matter what you believe. He brings you to me every day. And every day, it’s a blessing I hope to never take for granted.
Good morning.
I saw a post on Instagram that asked would you still write if no one ever read your work. When I was younger I would immediately say yes. Now, I’m not so sure. Honesty here. You reading my words here makes me feel loved, hopeful and just so happy. If God asked me to continue without the audience, than the answer might be different. Right now, I’m glad I don’t have to choose. It’s ironic over a decade ago, I didn’t want my work to be available consumption. How times have changed. Never thought I would change. I’m a stubborn mule.
Write
What you know
That a dog
Can be taught
New tricks
With much prodding
Let me
Find joy
In the circumstance
For in brokenness
Your Power
Is made real
Not a
Talking point
For intellectual debate
Mon Dieu
T’aime
Tres fort
For what
You give
Is something
More glorious
Than denarii
Strolling the
Lavender fields
Humming a
French tune
As I imagine
Myself in
Valensole
Mais oui
Mes Amis
The bucking bronc
Flies me around
The arena
Faster
Than he
Was let
Out of
The Shute
Brass buckled
Wrangler
Laced in mud
And manure
Now the scent
That permeates
The hair
That was so
Coiffed and pretty
Now looks
Like a stiff wind
Shook it up
More than
Than that
Alcohol
In the
Martini shaker
I’m well shaken
Not stirred
Mr. Bond
Not that
I ever was
A show pony
With pedigree
More mustang
Than thoroughbred
My breeding stock
Reads like
A serving of
Pickled herring
And the
Cheapest vodka
Found
Give me strength
To follow
The path
The steady
Sturdy
One
The flashy
Opulence
Not needed
Just a quiet
Resolve and desire
To do right
Love fiercely
Walk humbly
Until the dreams
In the center
Of the chest
Are outward manifestations
Of Your love
In the shadow
Of the mount
I find my footing
The foundation
Of faith
Of love
Of the hope
That is ever present
In the children
Who profess
Allegiance
And fidelity
To the One
Who sustains
Never refraining
From checking
Our hearts
At the door
Of who
We’re
Called to be
Lord,
You never said growth would be easy. You never said acceptance would be easy. You never said joy would be easy. Not of it is. Acceptance is a daily process. A daily practice. I’m grateful for a lot in this life, but I’m just acknowledging the reality I face everyday. And it’s a great reality most days, but some days I just need a little more grace. I know there is a reason for everything, it’s just hard to swallow sometimes. So right now, I’m grateful that I can be real, real honest and say that the highlight of my day is to wake up chat with God, friends, write and exercise to alleviate what ails me. I don’t need sympathy. I just need to get it out. I used to put my sorrows in the mason jar, but it didn’t serve me. I used to bottle it up waiting for it to detonate. I don’t have that luxury.
Working on self takes time. I’m doing the work, but sometimes we hit the triggers that bring up hard truths. Hiding from them doesn’t serve me. So, I’m not hiding them. If the world serves perfection on a platter, I’m running the other way. Don’t lie. Even the richest man has issues, they just have nicer toys to play with.
So right now, I’m going to curl up with a good book, and get lost in a story, while thinking of my own to tell.
Love you
Fill me up
So I don’t
Desire
What depletes
And empties
My soul
Love
Even when
You wonder
Why
Why
Has left
More men
In despair
And questioning
What is
Not to
Be understood
Just trusted
Where your heart is
Tells me
Where your
Mouth meets
Love of money
Root of
All evil
But what
Comes off
My tongue
Will destroy
With the ferocity
Of a wildfire
Left untamed
Lord
Let me love
How you demand
Not based
On what
Is deserved
At the gates
I need the Trinity
That those
Words in red
Were met
With acts
Of service
Not just
Spare coins
Left in
The collection
Plate
I never knew how much God would move when I took my hands off the wheel. I don’t drive the car. Not that I ever did. Being still is one the best things I’ve ever done. It’s one of the most trying. To turn off the brain takes work. I started being present in the everyday. Not in the fantasy. As to quote someone quite famous “I’m doing something” in being silent to a still, small voice.
I listened to a sermon Sunday that got me wondering when I stopped following this knowledge so simple yet revolutionary.”Faith is just an idea until we take a risk and act on it”. This one statement has shifted something so fundamental in me. When did I get so scared? When did I let the world define my value? When did I start to doubt the I AM that is God.
God is using people to minister to me. I’m learning not to get defensive to constructive criticism. If its being given freely. It’s because success is seen where failure is my default. Let people speak into you. I’m getting daily and weekly pep talks from whomever is placed in the path.
I was reminded of something so foundational. I’ve been given a gift. I need to share it. I need to be brave. I need to show the world and the disabled community what is possible. What is attainable. Worthy of love. Worthy of hope. Worthy of help. We all need help. If you don’t now, be grateful. I’m independent to a point, but wholly dependent on the Grace of God.
Could I touch the robe? Be healed because of my faith as the pastored said? Yes. I don’t believe that is my lot. Romans 12:12 is where my heart is. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” I haven’t done any of this. I’ve demanded God grant me three wishes like a genie. My prayer life looks like a to-do list. Joyful. I don’t know what that is. Patient in affliction. That is laughable, if it were funny. I’m patient in nothing. Waiting more than two minutes to check out in a department store makes me want to drop potential purchases in random places, and run for the exits. I wish I were joking. I’m not. I was so proud of myself for using self-checkout in Wal-Mart yesterday, and not getting deterred when the item wouldn’t scan.
If you’re going to say you understand me, or to give myself grace, I appreciate your great love and grace for me. I also know I need tough love. I need what I don’t want. I won’t grow if as my great friend Rowena told me: “Pretty lies might be nice, but they get you nowhere”. I have somewhere to go. I don’t know where exactly. When much is given, much is required. Maybe you can quote the verse in its entirety, but I hope the picture is getting clearer.
I’m on a mission to display what God can do with broken people. People the world doesn’t consider to hold much value. Do I think I change the world. No. I know who I’m not. Millions don’t chant my name or know me by my first name alone. And, that is okay. More than okay. I love you all because you love me regardless of my ability to give you anything in return.
Love yourself and one another.
Lord
Take my fear
Use it
Mold it
If it
Must stay
If not
Let me
Trust
That the
Journey
You have
Me on
Is one
Just for
My soul
To rejoice
As Cuban
As a cigar
Ukrainian
And Romanian
Loved the Olympics
Because I got
To cheer
For my ancestral heritage
Yet be grateful
That I bleed
Red, white
And blue
Henry Louis Gates
I love finding
My roots
And treasuring
The person
They shape
As I look
At my reflection
And tell
The Master
How much
Of a privilege
It is
To be His
He doesn’t like
That my soul
Has been split
Between perfection
And mediocrity
Do not seek
To copy
Humanity
All imperfect
Flawed beings
Needing saving
From ourselves
Love me well
Until I’m able
To do it
With consistency
Do I trust
That you’re
All I need
That time
Hasn’t been lost
Or not used wisely
Redeem me
Lead me
The sun
Is there
For shining
Thriving
And the rain
Pours down
To water
A soul
In drought
Gallop into freedom
Run into abundance
Walk in joy
Grounded
In grass
And faith
Where the
Voice heard
Is not
My own
Day one
Of belief
Where no
Questions
Are asked
No answers
Sought
Just dreaming
Of the days
Juggie and I
Were in sync
The noise
Of confident
Strides
A long
Soft mane
Who desired
Delicate caresses
And kind
Adoration
Human nature
Mirrors
My beloved horse
Kindness and love
Displayed
With no
Need
For anything
In return
Though
The animal
Gave me more
Than could ever
Be enumerated
In the shade
Of majestic oaks
An animal
Bestowed on me
The greatest gift
Peace
Greener pastures
The goal
The only
Thing is
You’re never
Prepared for
What it takes
To make
It happen
The sweaty brows
Bruised knees
And egos
That get
Busted
More than
NCAA brackets
Life
What happens
When focus
Is lost
And running
On fumes
Making up
Lost ground
And precious seconds
Lord
Make it
Worth the pain
Knee deep
In the weeds
Is the valley
Of shadows
Lurking
Underneath
What will
Be found
Remains
In mystical mystery
Will life’s answers
Appear
Without realizing
I’ve been
Asking
The wrong questions
All along.
Silky chemise
Underneath
Oversized sweater
On top
To wrap
Myself in
A snuggled hug
Trying to replicate
Human touch
Craving the heat
Of a warm body
Beside me
Lord warm
Me up
From the
Inside out
And give me
The desires
Of my
Heart
When You
Get ready
To bless
Me
May the sun
In its strength
Mirror
That of
The Son
Pour my cup
Fill it up
And keep
It going
So I
Can pass
It on
Fulfill me
So I lack nothing
Or seek
Something
I think
I want
But will
Leave me
Hungry
And thirsting
For the
Good stuff
God is working on my soul. Stillness is working. I usually listen to half the instruction, and getting going. I’m getting pieces. I was about to run again, but something didn’t sit well. So I will continue to listen because when I was ready to give up, God keeps bringing it back to my attention.
I wait
Until
You show up
With an
Enthusiastic yes
Or emphatic no
Love yourself and one another
Trusting you
Is so hard
Yet so necessary
Without the world
As my anchor
I’m appreciating
Not knowing
Surprise me
Lord
Give me
Your best
As I rest
Ball cap
Sunscreen
The fishing line
Being yanked
By a big one
Had me
Laughing
God
Has
It
All
Figured
Out
What are you reading?
What are you buying?
What healthy meals are you making?
Your wins for the week?
What is making you smile?
Got some tough love yesterday, but was given it kindly and with love. Sometimes love can be rough. Sometimes perception and reality are so different it takes someone with fresh eyes to show you how to take a mindset reset. In ten minutes this friend reframed my brain on how I view the past, present and future. In two different days, two friends drug me down the rabbit hole of my psyche, digging to the crux of my problem, and turning the world on its axis. They both are busy, but they took the time to minister to me. I told them I didn’t want to bother them, but it wasn’t an option.
I was to spill my guts. I was to release the pain. The agony that has taken over my mind and body. Praying is great, but God gives you people willing to help. Take it. If it’s being offered freely, God is giving you the opening. Use it. When your friends can here in your voice the demons resurfacing, you just say a silent thank you that you can hide. Hide from those whose joy is to see you thrive.
I can’t give them any worldly value, but what I give them is more than enough. And I look up now, smile and give thanks. The return on investment in these friendships is eternal.
So what I’m saying this.
God is giving me
An opportunity
An opening
To reach
Into growth
And greatness
I can only
Hope the same
To be
True for you
Buckle up buttercup
The day is coming
Where no longer
Do the tears
Flow from despair
Rather gratitude
Invades the veins
And leaves
You better
Than you
Were found
And, and
I look forward
Forward with hearty
Anticipation
That the world
I inhabit
Will be
Kinder
And more
Equitable
I saw a friend say all they needed was ‘A Carolina backroad, watermelon and well water’. It made me smile. I understood the feeling. What he described I felt in my soul. I can’t drive, but I can just picture riding in an old pickup spitting watermelon seeds out the window while the solo cup I carry from home was some water from the well waiting on to guzzle as I swelter in triple digit heat.
The radio is blasting my eardrums. The warm breezes brush the follicles. The heat brings the sweat on a tank top that’s seen better days. It doesn’t look great. More like a worn dishrag. The memories it holds. The bonfires in the front pasture sitting on square bales. The days picking up sticks. Fishing with a cane pole. Picking muscadines. Not that I knew what they were until South Carolina became the place I first learned would set my world upside down.
I learned from the old ladies the hard work of picking cotton and frying fatback. I said so many times there wasn’t anything to do in these backwoods, but I was young and dumb. Now I treasure my privacy and quiet. If nobody knew my name. I’d survive. When the world tells you that what you offer has no value, you don’t worry.
The thoughts of others no longer resonate. Look above. The world will tell what you want to hear until it decides your old news. Eventually we all become old news. So I will revel in the backroad, watermelon and well water. The land again delivers. The earth teaches enjoyment because one day you return to where you start.
So Lord, I’m here again. It starts and ends with you. Always has. Always will. I forget it all too often. And in the most simplistic moments you take the time. The time to remind me what will matter. And what never does.
Kicking up
The red clay
Dancing in
Flip flops
Covered in
Cut wet grass
And following
The sparrow
Who God covets
And wondering
When the
Mustard seed
Can become
Real
For a soul
Needing
Daily resets
From a world
Demanding
An expectation
From this human
Who just desires
A tomato sandwich
Spread with
Duke’s mayonnaise
And slices
Of crisp bacon
Finding peace
In simple
Southern classics
Remind me
To access childhood
If only
From the
Annals of
My memory
Classically beautiful. A ballerina’s finesse with athletic torque. Long lines. Toned thighs. The prowess of a lion. The style of a carioca. The happiness of a stick. To know your talent is a masterclass to enjoy. The flair of your culture is in your face.
Love
Who
You are
You don’t get
To choose
Much in life
So smile
Because
Who you are
Is more
Than DNA
In the overcast skies this morning, I take a breath and soak it all in. I’ve had to reset for a bit. Writing has saved me yet frustrated me. I never stopped, but I lost my fire. I lost my joy. I had to go back to square one. The teenage me who reveled in the written word. I won’t be Vonnegut or Tolstoy, but I can be me. I’ve had to be honest. I’ve had to ask myself why I write.
Once I started to answer that question, could I find my footing. It’s been an interesting time. Is my joy totally back? Not yet. Is my confidence back? No. I continue to push ahead until I find it. Keep moving. Keep going. I refuse to let my mind tell me I’m not good enough.
God
As I journey on
Give me joy
Give me peace
Even if
This is
Where my
Success remains
I want more
But I
Want Your
Will
Most of all
In the space
Of time
A birthday
Has come
And gone
Yet
The feeling
Of joy
Is ever present
Because
I’m granted
Your time
And love
Priceless gifts
Worth more
Than many
Worldly goods
Love you all
More than
The flowery
Words
My mind
Can conjure
41 starts now.
May I
Be willing
To learn
Slow to anger
Find gratitude
In simplicity
And love
In mysterious
Places
Thank you for all your love. It’s the best birthday present. Grateful for your faithfulness in building me up. God grant me serenity and peace in the year ahead.
