Truth and trust

 I never knew how much God would move when I took my hands off the wheel. I don’t drive the car. Not that I ever did. Being still is one the best things I’ve ever done. It’s one of the most trying. To turn off the brain takes work. I started being present in the everyday. Not in the fantasy. As to quote someone quite famous “I’m doing something” in being silent to a still, small voice. 

I listened to a sermon Sunday that got me wondering when I stopped following this knowledge so simple yet revolutionary.”Faith is just an idea until we take a risk and act on it”. This one statement has shifted something so fundamental in me. When did I get so scared?  When did I let the world define my value?  When did I start to doubt the I AM that is God. 

God is using people to minister to me. I’m learning not to get defensive to constructive criticism. If its being given freely. It’s because success is seen where failure is my default. Let people speak into you. I’m getting daily and weekly pep talks from whomever is placed in the path. 

I was reminded of something so foundational. I’ve been given a gift. I need to share it. I need to be brave. I need to show the world and the disabled community what is possible. What is attainable. Worthy of love. Worthy of hope. Worthy of help. We all need help. If you don’t now, be grateful. I’m independent to a point, but wholly dependent on the Grace of God. 

Could I touch the robe?  Be healed because of my faith as the pastored said?  Yes. I don’t believe that is my lot. Romans 12:12 is where my heart is. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”  I haven’t done any of this. I’ve demanded God grant me three wishes like a genie. My prayer life looks like a to-do list. Joyful. I don’t know what that is. Patient in affliction. That is laughable, if it were funny. I’m patient in nothing. Waiting more than two minutes to check out in a department store makes me want to drop potential purchases in random places, and run for the exits. I wish I were joking. I’m not. I was so proud of myself for using self-checkout in Wal-Mart yesterday, and not getting deterred when the item wouldn’t scan. 

If you’re going to say you understand me, or to give myself grace, I appreciate your great love and grace for me. I also know I need tough love. I need what I don’t want. I won’t grow if as my great friend Rowena told me:  “Pretty lies might be nice, but they get you nowhere”. I have somewhere to go. I don’t know where exactly. When much is given, much is required. Maybe you can quote the verse in its entirety, but I hope the picture is getting clearer. 

I’m on a mission to display what God can do with broken people. People the world doesn’t consider to hold much value. Do I think I change the world. No. I know who I’m not. Millions don’t chant my name or know me by my first name alone. And, that is okay. More than okay. I love you all because you love me regardless of my ability to give you anything in return. 

Love yourself and one another.