This day is about costumes and candy for many, but for me this day ten years ago seems like a blur of nerves and excitement. I will never forget being told to just do it and get out of my head. You need an outlet. Those words started what you read all these years later. Now as for what blogging has taught me is or ten years does is that if you enjoy what you do, it will continue much longer than anticipated. I never thought I’d write this long. I didn’t feel confident that what I would share would matter. I didn’t think it would stick. I still wonder, but you keep coming back. I’m grateful for it. Deep within me, I keep at it, because the stability of my mental state depends on it. I would never believe other writers when they said it themselves, but it’s true. My physical health needs stretching and exercise. My mental health needs writing. When I don’t write for a day, mentally I feel displaced. Every day in which I’m afforded breath, it is my desire to be here. I can only pray you will join me. This is what I was meant to do. Write, love people and have them love me back. I can’t pay you back for all you’ve poured into the vessel that is me, but I’m blessed by it every day. You make me feel rich. Richly loved. Richly blessed. Richly wanted. And oh Lord, it still leaves me shocked that it could feel this beautifully and stunningly sweet and amazing. Thank you. So here’s to another ten.
Monday, October 31, 2022
Sunday, October 30, 2022
Saturday, October 29, 2022
Thursday, October 27, 2022
Thoughts
First of all, I need to say THANK YOU!!! First for knowing how long I’ve been blogging. Second for your wonderful comments. This morning, I saw a friend post that she is requesting prayers for her child. A possible CP diagnosis. I’ve prayed. But, honestly I don’t know how to pray. In all my years, this is the one thing I’ve stopped asking. You don’t know how life will go. Independence. That’s a pipe dream. I have in some ways. Other ways not so much. And I don’t know if I will fully have it. That’s acceptance. I accept that I don’t know, and that’s the only answer I can give you. The one I can give myself. So please pray if you’d like.
Tuesday, October 25, 2022
Letting the wall down
I’m coming up on a big day. It’s a blogging anniversary. Nine or ten years. I don’t know. Lost count years ago. It’s my most consistent relationship. What have I learned. I’ve learned that if I don’t meet you, know my love for you is endless. You show up. You love me. You don’t question. You seem willing to absorb my rants and frustrations. You fill a void. You mind the gap. You don’t erase my pain. You help me face it. Why I keep writing. To get out my head. To release agony. Ten years of pain. I’d thought I would have been rid of it all. No. That’s the real answer. Let me honest. My life is damned near perfect. The problem is right between my two ears. I’ve been in therapy long enough to admit that. It’s the voice that’s asks me everyday: Do I dare ask for more? And I don’t know whether it’s right of me to ask God for more. I can’t just believe I’ve written this. In ten years, this is progress. I don’t know how many will read this, but this is about as vulnerable as I’ve ever been. My heart is cracking. It is said one grows, when we break our own darn walls. The dam just burst.