Birthday

 It’s the blog’s birthday. God, you are so faithful to continue to give me words to say, and ears to listen. Grateful. 

❤️

 Lord

Let me

Love 

Like it’s 

My job 

Shine

 Be the light

For in darkness 

Shine for

All to know 

That Christ 

Is alive 

And welcome here

OOF

 Out of office. Love you all. When you stop looking. You will find. Much to share. 

shadow

 In the shadow

Of resilience 

Change

Like the hue

Of the leaves

Gives me hope

Enough to 

Chase the 

Pot of gold

At the end

Of your rainbow

The colors 

Of grace

Illuminate the soul

Of this weary 

Wee lad

And bring

The countenance

Looking for

The bright beginning

faith

Leave my anxiety 

At the door

And give me 

Faith

To trust

Everything 

Will be alright

Fashion and candy corn

Fashion magazines

And candy corn 

Sounds like

A good day 

To me

Enjoy

The small things

They become

Your joy

Grace

 I saw something that said “Maturity is moving beyond being the recipient of grace to being responsible for extending it”

Yesterday I had a medical procedure that is usually routine. Yesterday not so much. It was an experience I don’t want to relive. All I can say is God gave me a strength I’ve not known in a long time. And in all my years, I’ve never cried or had the desire to curse out a medical professional. If you’re guessing what I’m about to say. You know. 

Yesterday, I did things I thought I’d never do. You do them when you have no other choice. If you’re wondering I did not utter curse words. I was to busy trying to not think about the pain. I’m grateful that I could endure it. And I’m grateful for a mother who spoke up when I couldn’t. 

Love yourself and one another

real

 To the Word

Clinging

To the robe

That holds

Hopeful power

And providence

May I hold on

And find

That hope

Like the 

Well 

Never ceases providing

A productive and peaceful 

Life

Where abundance

Is real

Not a mirage

To be wished upon

letting go

 The sun

Rises

From beyond

The trees

A glimpse of 

Untouched beauty

For in creation

Our unique character 

Shines

Unblemished by 

Human hands

For as much

As we try

Our hands

Only work well

At the direction

Of our Father’s

Love yourself and one another

denominator

 Grateful for

The Bama belle

Who surprises

Me with

The best encouragement 

The marshmallow

In the s’more 

The softness

To balance

The gruff exterior 

Of my hardened heart

Find a friend

Who is the Wal-Mart

To your designer

In that polar opposite

You find your friendship

Denominator

milan

 Dreaming of

A Milanese adventure 

Days spent 

Marveling 

At architecture 

Perusing

The best fashion

And eating

My weight

In pasta

And gelato

Truth

 Thinking on 

Good and noble 

Pursuits

To anchor me

In the present

And not 

Let my anxiety 

Run wild

I’m on

The spin cycle

With no end

In sight 

My rational state

Has been obliterated 

weak

 Rid me

Of my need

My desire

My wants

Borne of 

Of fear

When will

It end

My scared soul

Is my faith

So weak

That mustard seed

Seems insurmountable 

But with 

Your love

Restore me

To the joy

Only You

Provide

Love yourself and one another

Apple

 Carrots

And apples

For my equine 

Friend

Who just

Gave me

A ride 

Worthy

Of a thoroughbred 

Gave me 

An adrenaline rush

An endorphin kick

To rival 

Any workout

Now

He’s back

In his stall

Getting a cool down

And kisses

For God’s creatures

Can provide

The best therapy

For my rattled worldview 

A simple Saturday morning 

Spent with creation

Reviving a heart

That needed

Sweet surrender

And a hope

That isn’t measured

In treasures 

That rust

And rot

Over time

run

 Lead me

Where 

You want

Me to be

Water me

With love

And never

Leave me

Even when

I try 

Flee

Flight risk

I am

Even if

I come

Running back

chocolate chip cookie

 Letting the 

Sweet sun

Give me 

The biggest hug

As I ate

The most

Decadent 

Chocolate chip cookie

Is the meaning

Of a enjoying

A moment

You never

Would have 

Savored before

But now

The melted goodness

Makes life

A palatable pleasure

The one thing

 You allow me

To reap goodness

As I sit here

Upon grateful tears

You’re asking 

For a trust

I’ve never given

Didn’t know

If I had it

Surrender 

Turns out

It is available 

If I relinquish 

The one thing

I’ve wanted

But never had

Control

days

 Hermes scarf

Yankees ball cap 

Jeans

Braces

And muddy Nikes 

The outfit 

Of the day

Trying to add

A little whimsy

To my reality

Cooler temperatures

Have me reaching

For that shredded

Martha’s Vineyard

Sweatshirt

I can’t seem

To part with

It brings

The memory

To life

Three years later

Letting gratitude flow

Blessed to see

The wild world

Created for 

Enjoying

Savoring

And preserving

Relishing the day

For what it is

Not for selfish

Desires

holler

 In the hollers

Deep in

Those peaks

Finding faith

In the oasis

Of hope

On which

Survival is hinged

When the 

Only hope

Is in

The Father

Son

And Holy Ghost

luxuries

 In the quiet 

Of this early morning 

Feeling peace

The fan

Going round

Is not

To be taken

For granted again

Staring upward

Grateful 

Because

Simple pleasures

Have become

True luxuries

stud

 Listening to church this morning I heard something that’s shaken my soul. God doesn’t change our circumstances. We change amidst them. I’ve never heard something so simple, yet for me so truthful. In seven days, God in His glory upended my worldview. Upended everything I believed. 

Torn down

To studs

And shown

Love

That comes

When searching 

Is too tiring

Your work

Begins

When I

Stop seeking

Love yourself and one another

burberry

 In the cool 

Breezes 

My soul reclines

In sweet 

Soliloquies 

Burberry trench

Hunter boots

And leaves

Changing to 

Hues of orange

And bright reds

Bring to mind

Memories

Of a New England

Escape 

Full of coffee

And cannolis 

Moi

 Things are returning to normal here. What has not returned to normal is me. Therapy is ongoing, but folks, it takes time. I don’t know what is happening, but I’m coming up for air slowly. Gratitude and grief mix in a beautiful serenade. I hardened my heart, but it’s being softened again. Just because the world is cruel or unfair doesn’t give me permission to do the same. As one of you had to remind me, I no longer hide my pain, but others do by projecting joy to the outside world. And that is their choice. 

On behalf of myself, I thank you for being a sounding board. A safe place. The true measure of wealth is receiving love when nothing of value can be returned. 

I will recover. It’s just not on my timetable. I love you. 

unknown

The unknown

Where I reside

Is not a place

To fear

But find strength 

Within the confines

Of my knowledge 

Love

Where it starts

Growing in

Tough conditions 

And refined

In fiery reminders

le mains

 In the woods

Dodging leaves

Branches

And limbs

Reminded

Of fragility

In strength 

Brutality

Followed

By eery calm

The roar

Of force

Is quieted

By the word

Commanding presence

In distress

Even more so 

In peaceful silence

Surrendering 

Humbling

Humanity

With each 

Sway of

Upward held

Hands

wholly

 Lord

Restore

This vessel

As fit

For the Kingdom’s

Holiness

And reverent

Adoration

Make me

Worthy

Of the calling

Yours

Yours

To declare

Fully and

Wholly

Received

 Walking in grace

Coddled by mercy

As transformation

From reckless sinner

To redeemed child

Commences

Perfectly broken

For your use

Go to work

Lord

And find me

Radically upended

In love

Not understood

Just received

love

 I’m raw. Trust me, I’m aware. I no longer ask why. Or am getting better at not going down that trail of disaster. I’m functioning on reserves of the well. Surrender happens when you no longer know what to seek. When the only thing you seek is the Face. Meet me eye to eye. Search my tears. Search my fears. Rid me of my bitterness and jealousy. Rid me of the need to know. 

God is the only One who can answer my soul. The mass delusion of the world. Thanks friend. Thanks friend for reminding me that we idolize celebrities and others who lives appear perfect. The happiest relationships. The money to not worry about anything. God is stripping me of false idols. The more I see, the more I need to disconnect.  Be happy and prosper. I’m finding that nothing is satisfying my soul. 

In seven days, I’ve been stripped bare. I’ve not been able to accept that you could love me as well as you do. But, you, are faithful in your love for me. And it’s your love keeping me afloat. You give me all of yourselves. Thank you friends. 

What I need

Manna from Heaven

Is your love

For this 

Sinner

Neighbor

 Lord

O my soul

Feet to fire

Under my bum

Can’t wait

For the world

To save you

It left you hanging

Letting the truth

Do the talking

Better love 

Thy neighbor 

Takes on

New meaning

We country folks

Getting it done

One mule

One horse

And a scruffy mutt

fire ants

 Some thoughts

In the five stages of grief. Don’t know how long this lasts. Those who don’t have empathy have lost me. I’m trying not to judge, it’s hard. I can’t watch news or the latest gossip. It just makes me mad. Don’t know what is says about me. In the past week, I’ve had the chance to see my unsavory ways. If I post something light, it’s not that I don’t care. I just need to dream again. I need to believe in goodness again. I’m not able to write without crying. My tears are watering the Earth right now. 

God

A blubbering mess

Who still

Dreams

Of walking

The rues

And carrying

The wares

Of Coco

Are in 

Stark contrast

To fire ants

Green grass

And southern drawls

Yes

 May you

Caress me

Like the 

Softest

Sweetest

Silk

Warm me

With crushed velvet

And hold me

In perfect peace

Her

 Lord,

My mountain home

In tatters

Only You

Can deliver her

Attention

She needs

Yet receives

Not

She’s the workhorse

The soul

Not the glamorous star

We want the flash

Forgetting the backbone

It’s those hills

That hug me

And love me

Like no other

Long read

 I’m okay physically. Mentally, I’m coming out of survival mode. I woke up last night reaching for a flashlight I no longer need. I rode to town yesterday, and as I looked around, how I have power and water is a miracle. I open up to write and tears flow. Tears of relief and guilt mix. I asked my therapist how long this would last. Her guess. A while. I prayed for one week for power, and one the seventh day, He delivered.  Honestly, I doubted after day two, but God was showing me something. I’m strong. You do things you never thought you would. 

I got rid of so many undergarments. Please don’t think going to the bathroom outdoors is an easy task for everyone. My pride had to go. Doing laundry by hand is exercise. The washing machine is a luxury. I know now why on the seventh day rest is commanded. 

I have power and water. Gratitude holds new meaning. I will continue writing, I don’t know how it will look. 

Grace 

What 

I need

As I move forward

Not forgetting

That suffering

Happens every day

Yet we persist

My life

Not my own

Anymore

Dreaming of 

Exotic places

And wild spaces

Yet knowing

The next steps

Will require

Courage

Navigating

Silver spooned

Blue blooded

Nature doesn’t discriminate 

Until the fire 

Refines you

Compassion

Is not a given

When the 

Trials of humanity

Come to the door

Yours

Do you 

Give freely

Willingly

And without pretense

What seven days

Shows

Is change happens

Even as our

Eyes are 

Wide open 

Gratefulness

And grief

Intertwine

Positivity

Meets reality

In a delicate dance

I never wanted

To partake in

world

 In my reality

The dream

Still lives

Even as

My sensitivity

Is heightened 

To the plight of

Others

You all 

Told me

Change was hard

Didn’t listen

Naïveté is gone

But hope

Is the constant

Must now

Be a light

In my own

World

wind

 The rains came

Didn’t stop

Wind snapped trees

Like paper clips

Rubber banded

And coiled

Tighter than

This girl’s 

Anxiety

What would follow

Is seven days

Without power

And a psyche

Seeking a lifeline

Life

 I don’t know how I will write going forward. I’m not the same. I read and reread your words as they were a lifeline. Helene which is my mother’s name by the way, fundamentally altered me. When I asked God to go give me a story, this is not what I had in mind. 

One of you told me what I want didn’t matter, and over the past seven days I’ve done what I thought impossible. I hope to be able to put into words what God can do in seven days, but for right now, I leave you with this. 

Please continue to love, be hopeful and trust. 

Thank you for pouring into a vessel flailing in uncertainty. 

Hallelujah

 Power is back. 

Okay

 I’m okay. Honestly I’m trying to stay grateful. I’m trying to stay hopeful. I can’t never thank you enough enough. Love you

Peace

 Thy peace 

Be with me

As I navigate 

The unknown path 

I currently 

See

Yes

 I have to get back to writing. My anxiety feels like a merry go round. I’m trying to fix things I can’t control. Loss of a flushable toilet is my biggest concern.  I’ve ruined more clothes than I know. Disability people get it. Anything you send me is much appreciated, but if you’re able send gifts to people who need it. You’re boosting my mental state, but you could help someone not go hungry. 

Love you.