Ten years of friendship

 This day is about costumes and candy for many, but for me this day ten years ago seems like a blur of nerves and excitement. I will never forget being told to just do it and get out of my head. You need an outlet.  Those words started what you read all these years later. Now as for what blogging has taught me is or ten years does is that if you enjoy what you do, it will continue much longer than anticipated. I never thought I’d write this long. I didn’t feel confident that what I would share would matter. I didn’t think it would stick. I still wonder, but you keep coming back. I’m grateful for it. Deep within me, I keep at it, because the stability of my mental state depends on it. I would never believe other writers when they said it themselves, but it’s true. My physical health needs stretching and exercise. My mental health needs writing. When I don’t write for a day, mentally I feel displaced. Every day in which I’m afforded breath, it is my desire to be here. I can only pray you will join me. This is what I was meant to do. Write, love people and have them love me back. I can’t pay you back for all you’ve poured into the vessel that is me, but I’m blessed by it every day. You make me feel rich. Richly loved. Richly blessed. Richly wanted. And oh Lord, it still leaves me shocked that it could feel this beautifully and stunningly sweet and amazing. Thank you. So here’s to another ten. 

Rainy

 Coffee

And rain

Makes

Today 

A great day

Popcorn

 Popcorn 

And 

The Phillies

A perfect Saturday night

Thoughts

 First of all, I need to say THANK YOU!!!  First for knowing how long I’ve been blogging. Second for your wonderful comments. This morning, I saw a friend post that she is requesting prayers for her child. A possible CP diagnosis. I’ve prayed. But, honestly I don’t know how to pray. In all my years, this is the one thing I’ve stopped asking. You don’t know how life will go. Independence. That’s a pipe dream. I have in some ways. Other ways not so much. And I don’t know if I will fully have it. That’s acceptance. I accept that I don’t know, and that’s the only answer I can give you. The one I can give myself. So please pray if you’d like. 

Letting the wall down

 I’m coming up on a big day. It’s a blogging anniversary.  Nine or ten years. I don’t know. Lost count years ago. It’s my most consistent relationship. What have I learned. I’ve learned that if I don’t meet you, know my love for you is endless. You show up. You love me. You don’t question. You seem willing to absorb my rants and frustrations. You fill a void. You mind the gap. You don’t erase my pain. You help me face it. Why I keep writing. To get out my head. To release agony. Ten years of pain. I’d thought I would have been rid of it all. No.  That’s the real answer. Let me honest. My life is damned near perfect. The problem is right between my two ears. I’ve been in therapy long enough to admit that. It’s the voice that’s asks me everyday:  Do I dare ask for more?  And I don’t know whether it’s right of me to ask God for more.  I can’t just believe I’ve written this. In ten years, this is progress. I don’t know how many will read this, but this is about as vulnerable as I’ve ever been. My heart is cracking. It is said one grows, when we break our own darn walls. The dam just burst. 

Cup of tea

 Wrapped in cashmere

Warming up

Cup of tea

I’m ready 

For you

Mountain

 Mountain 

Roads 

Where

The journey curves

And the vistas

Glisten

With 

Pure glee

Thank you

 Observations after two surgeries in two months

Stamina is a daily battle

Health is wealth. A true blessing

God provides

Relief is an elixir

I would ask that you grace me with your prayers as my mind and body undergo a revamp. Ten minutes on a treadmill leaves me exhausted. Overhauling the mind, body and soul is a journey. I’m being selfish for the first time in my life to adjust. I’m having to guard my energy. My words have left me. I’m just so glad you continue to show up. Thank you

Questions

 What are your wins for the week?

What are you making?

What is making you smile?

A random fact about you?

Millions

Huddled and warming. It’s as if the cold, brings a clarity, I haven’t had. It feels so good. I’m getting better. Started exercising. Wearing wearing white sweats. Feels goods. I’m ecstatic not to bleed so profusely iron supplements didn’t cut it. I’m having dancing parties in the living room not caring who sees me. Bruno Mars is my musical muse. I’m dreaming. I’m having fun again, even if I’m my only company. I always wondered why a former therapist told me to look in the bathroom mirror and say I love me three times. I did it the other day, and came so close to believing it. Almost one month post op, and my soul is absolutely giddy. Who knew I could feel this good. Thank you for staying with me. You love me. Worth more than millions. 

Questions

 What are you buying?

What are you snacking on?

What is making you smile?

Mine are

Books

Pistachios

Fall colors

Natural

 Getting ready

For the cold

To set in

The coffee 

To bring warmth

And for Nature

To show 

How well

Change

Is natural

And a blessing

Fly

 Apple cider donuts

A side of Prosecco

The mountains

As a backdrop 

Red leaves 

The garland

Of Autumnal Grace

Those hugs

Of a squealing

Seven year old

And a boy 

Who makes

My heart halt

As he climbs 

The tree

And all 

I can picture

Is Tarzan

Wild

Free 

Fearless

And 

An example

To their aunt

To seize the day

With gusto and

Reckless abandon 

😍

 Happy Friday.  How was your week?

Some things about me

 I’m reading a book a night when I can’t sleep

It feels good to be feeling better

The holidays are coming up and I’m excited

Dogs make life better

Sweet 

Saucy

Sassy

It’s what happens

When you finally

Unburden yourself

From unrealistic expectations

Blessing and a value

 Learning 

That the mirror

Is not my enemy

My mind needs

To be molded

By the Father

Not others

Who don’t know

The real me

I’m getting used to new scars. And it’s freeing. Access to medical care is a blessing. I’m up and moving. If you’d told me that right now, I wouldn’t have believed you. I’m grateful for how God is faithful then, now and forevermore. When God made me, I wondered. The fact that He has kept His promise to provide and protect me leaves me breathless. I’m expensive. And He has continued to say, Not a problem. He loves me so much. Maybe I should do the same. 

Be a blessing. The only occupation that has lasting value

Mine

Letting my body relax

My mind unwind

Knowing He 

Is with me

My job

Is simply 

Believe

And watch

Him work

A miracle

In this heart

Of mine

Autumn

Sun streaming

On my tresses

Crushing leaves

Between my tips

Taking in the flow

Of nature

And letting it be

Yay

 My soul awakened today. For the first time, I’m enjoying life. 

Change can be hard, but it can be good. Thank you for telling me that tears can be good. I’ve had to let them out to let go of what I can’t handle. I realized physical exhaustion I can handle but mental exhaustion not at all. To be free, I must fully free myself of regret. I went shoe shopping today, and as the sweet manager told me she was 22, I realized at 39 what a gift time is. 

Today was a good day. I will take it. 

How’s your day?

Glisten

 Leaning into

The love of Christ

Give my spirit

A lift

The eyes

Glisten at 

The goodness

Of your Provision

Weekend

 Update

I still have to take a pain pill to sleep at night

I still cry

But

I’m slowly returning. Normal. I can’t say. I have to realize I’ve had two surgeries in two months. As well as I do physically, mentally I’m in the woods. Trying to get out each day, but I still can’t verbalize to the outside world my feelings. Besides you all only my best friend knows the depth of my pain. When people ask, I leave it that my body couldn’t handle bearing children. 

I’d ask a favor. Please dont ask a person of faith why they wouldn’t sacrifice their bodies to birth a child. I can’t be fruitful and multiply. Physically it takes every ounce I have to take care of myself. I can’t question God on this anymore. I can’t take away CP. I can’t take away genetics. I can’t risk my life. You love me so well, but just a little thought. 

Friday

 Craving brownies 

Devouring new books

Listening to a cute pooch

Your turn?

Joy

 Jackson Browne

And I letting loose

Knowing that today

Is glorious 

Because 

I’m freer now

Because I actively

Seek a smile

To bring joy

Cry

 Mentally turning a corner. I have six nephews and a niece who give me joy. I didn’t birth them, but they are mine. Stuck with me. Seeing them last night on FaceTime gave my soul the smile I temporarily shelved. I cry every day.  I knew my mood would be all over the place after surgery, but really I had no clue. So I’m getting better even if I go through tissues more often than the feminine products I finally trashed. 

Happies today

Tatler magazine 

Music

True

 Each day

Without a tear

Is acceptance

Of what is

Not what I wish

Guess

 True of false 

Latte liberal

Nantucket or bust

Spanish or English

Candy or salt

Wins

 Tell me your wins

Pain

 Sitting up

A blessing

After a hospital stay

I had to have some

Female organs

Taken out

For health reasons

I will not be bearing children

A fate I fought 

For a year

A year that brought

A pain I won’t explain

My health could no longer

Take the pain

And I had to 

Be reassured

My value

Is not tied

To child-bearing

Be kind