Recovering from a procedure. I’m exhausted but grateful. Please treasure your health. I have plenty of thoughts on several things, but right now I’m having to disconnect, and give my body what it needs. To get relief is the best gift. Priceless. The doctor said to me jokingly I might want to rescind my claim of enduring pain the best Christmas gift. I received my Christmas gift early. I will be still for a bit.
Love yourself and one another.
Thank you
Lord
For
Those
Who
Love me
Without motive
I can’t give
You much
All I offer
Is myself
Reality slaps
Punches
And
I fight
Knowing
The only
Privilege
I possess
Is being
A child
Of God
Lord
Give me wisdom
To not
Argue
With fellow man
We haven’t learned
To be civil
Kind
Or human
And yet
You call
Me to
Greater
Because
I belong
To you
God is working. Yesterday I received some snail mail. Two friends spoke life into me at the right time I’m not going to share exactly what was said, but my soul smiled. Truly smiled. As if they got me. They may never walk in my shoes, but they had true empathy. As I was rereading their words like a true balm, a salve, I heard a song I’d never heard, and I started to grasp life.
In 12 to 13 years here, I’m starting to process some thoughts. I may never be renowned, known, famous or rich. I’ve not gotten the fairy tale yet, because some lessons don’t come easy. Billy Graham once said mountaintops are for views, but fruit is grown in the valley. I’m hoping fruit can be grown in me, so I can bear it.
Maybe my dreams are still that, is that my job right now is to be in uncomfortable places. Growth happens outside of comfort zones. My life was never going to be easy, but a hard slog. When being strong is the only way, you learn to adapt. Silver spoons were never my lot. In the long run, I’m seeing that may be the biggest blessing.
I’m learning to live with the cards dealt my way. Wholly and fully. If it seems likes I’m sad, I’m sorry. I’m learning to live in a reality that isn’t manufactured to fit a crafted story I want the world to believe. If you need to do that, no judgement. Reality isn’t pretty. It just is.
Song of the day. Ben Rector The Richest Man in the World
Love yourself and one another
God is doing retooling in my spirit. I’m chasing my flesh. And I’m in His employ right now. I’m eating crow right now. Everything I sought this year has been put on the back burner. Am I happy about it? No. I’m learning how painful yet productive the valley can be. The fairy tale hasn’t happened yet. I’m reminded He’s still working. He’s eradicating my need for perfection in myself, in others and the trappings of a world I’m not meant to idolize. And yet somehow still struggle against my flesh.
I’m reminded that stuff doesn’t equal happiness. In this season I’m reminded of it daily. My poor soul is learning what it is to be truly rich. A body that is being reworked. A mind under realignment and a soul undergoing reconstruction.
If you’re looking for perfection, you would find it here. A collection of Hermes or Chanel, sorry. Dripping in diamonds. Nope. I’m just a girl begging her Savior to save her from herself. A girl whose plans got dropped faster than a call in the sticks.
Honesty is a pill I’m swallowing now because years of pride have me paying prices higher than those at the pump. Learn from me. I don’t know if you want to join me in the valley.
Surrounded
By grace
In your words
And deeds
As I’m shown
Everyday
How much
I’m loved
In unexpected ways
I’m covered
By the protection
Provided
Even when
I’m oblivious
To your actions
Search my heart
Dig in
Root it
All out
Wash me
Clean me
Leave me
Better than
I was found
Fighting myself
Right now
Lost in
What I want
Knowing that
My wants
Aren’t pure
And pleasing
Free will
Can set free
Or enslave
And right now
My mind
Is chained
To the
Very things
I’m trying
To eradicate
Let me
Not speak
With malice
Or seek attention
For doing good
Or look down
On others
If I don’t agree
I’ve no
Story to tell
No angle
To perpetuate
Find you
Have peace
These past few days
Showed me
How to love
People I don’t like
Jesus is working
When I don’t feel it
I wanted to pay back
All the hurt
Then I realized
It wasn’t necessary
And the only regret
I would have
Would be mine
Anxiety
Is running rampant
On this brain
And tired
Is an understatement
Release me
From my
Own thoughts
Bone chilling cold
Outside my door
Inside
My warm heart
Smiles
Knowing
That my soul
Is being reframed
Retrained
By the love
Provided
Through
People
I’ve never
Met
Yet admire
Greatly
Each day teaches
If willing
To pay attention
And let me
Tell you
I got to enjoy
Frivolity
Until reality
Reminded me
Of its unpleasant aroma
Grateful because
I got to
Experience joy
Savor slivers
And remember
I don’t have billions
In the bank
Or armies
To defend
My honor
Then I step
Back
Look in
The mirror
And say
Child
Who needs
Dollars and
Human praise
When You
Say dear girl
You’re mine
Lord
We humans
Need common sense
Humanity
Love
And much more
Coming back
To you
With more clarity
And repentance daily
All I can say is thank you for all the prayers. My previous sentiments in a prior post that I just deleted was too angry. I’m having to accept situations and circumstances I don’t like. I’m doing what I detest. I’m doing God’s job. Mighty horribly too. A friend’s comment yesterday reminded me of something so true. I need to be offline more. I no longer know what is true anymore. I don’t know if it’s true, half truth or outright lie. And I don’t want ponder such nonsense that doesn’t improve lives, but furthers a narrative. It’s not just famous folk. It’s every day you and me’s that want to be something we’re not.
Bringing me
Back to
Earth
Planting me
In humble
Apology
For my haughtiness
And pride
I guess
That sermon
I thought
Didn’t apply
Sure did
It only
Took an
Angry diatribe
To realize
It may be the biggest shopping day, but I realize something. Only God can give me the desires of my heart. I have two in particular I’m still waiting on. I’m not good at waiting at all, but I know, I KNOW only He can grant me. I will say that it frustrates me yet gives me peace. I’m not saying if He chooses to bless me with physical gifts from others while I wait, I will be happy because to be loved in such a way is beautiful. Right now, I covet prayers because waiting is not giving me pleasure. I don’t know what to ask you to pray for, because my selfishness would ask for God to give me what I want. And right now, selfishness, jealousy, bitterness in the form of impatience is a wicked combination. Not in a good way. I’m not proud to admit this. I’ve got to admit my sin so I can live in peace, seek forgiveness and be whole.
Wholeness in Holiness
Dependent Surrender
Is the answer
Yet so hard
It’s a daily process
When did instant gratification
Become so popular
Yet so destructive
On this day
I will
Give thanks
For what
I have
What I
Don’t
And for
All my
Unanswered prayers
Waiting to
Be uncovered
A few days
Amongst the peaks
Cotton candy
Colored nights
Bright sunny
Mornings
Bring peace
To my
Tired soul
Look out
Your window
I’m here
Ready to
Be your
Shepherd
God
Total dependence
Means surrendering
Everything
Doesn’t it
Struggling to
Trust that
You can make
My dreams come true
With a reality
That keeps
Punching
Hard and fast
With relief
A battle
I’m wondering
Whether
To fight
Lead me
Like a
Wayward sheep
I will never
Understand
Why
You
Gave me
Something
You don’t
Plan
To rid me of
Years ago
I wrote
The Blessing
And The Curse
And right now
My headspace
Says the latter
Even if
I know
I’ve been
Granted
More goodness
Than I can
Say
What is so
So big
That the blessing
Is worth the wait
Just trying to
To put
Into words
What I can’t
Begin to understand
Much less explain
My life
Is an exercise
In waiting
Praying
And praising
Nothing is
Ever easy
Or clear cut
I need You
To give me
Strength
Not to
Give up
When the road
Splits
Trust me
You say
When I can’t
Trust my
Own self
Every dream
I have
Is one
That takes
Exceptional miracles
To take place
And only
You can
Make those happen
I throw in towels
Before you
Can work
I don’t know
Why I’m shocked
Anymore
You make
The impossible
Look like
A cake walk
And yet
I still doubt
In Your ability
Or maybe
It’s my
Need to
Have instant gratification
Despite repeated
Biblical passages
That speak
Of the
Wayward thinking
That occurs
When my eyes
Wander from yours
What is bringing you joy?
Favorite Thanksgiving side?
Have you put up a tree yet?
What’s on your Christmas list?
What are you reading?
Snail mail in my mailbox?
Green bean casserole
Not yet
Postage stamps, Sezane gift card, books and new pens
Rereading old favorites. Any new recommendations
Let me
Say this
Lord
Heal your people
So much
Hurt
Anger
And indifference
Guard my heart
The company
Kept
Essential to joy
I’m not happy
Every day
But finding
Gratitude
Is akin to
Drawing breath
Sending a hug
As many
As I can
So many
Hurt people
Hurting each other
Out of fear
Of what
Isn’t known
Love yourself and one another
Enjoy the sunshine
It’s the natural
Mood booster
Lord
Thank you
Enjoying
The small things
Begins
With the goodness
That never ceases
To make
The biggest smiles
Appear
Out of
Thin air
As I start
The day
Center my soul
Where it’s needed
Humbly guide
My sinful nature
To lean
Into goodness
Love and humility
As your child
Called to greater
Compassion and grace
For those who test
My ability
To display kindness
It seems
That those
Who have it all
Need it most
Love yourself
And one another
Has taken
On a new meaning
For me
Love me
Lord
As only
You can
When sufficiency
And peace
Are flailing
And floundering
Upward I look
For if
Looking down
Collapses my spirit
Faster than sinking ships
On Your day
Restore
To me
The first fruits
Of Your divinity
In the chilled air
I grab the coziest robe
The warmest coffee
And get ready
To greet you
All this morning
With the love
In my heart
The joy in
My soul
And the hope
That only
Comes from
A relationship
With the Creator
Positivity
Takes work
Continued commitment
To seeking light
And laughter
From the
Mouths of babes
Hold the light
Guard it
Like precious time
Once it dims
It takes awhile
Reigniting
Finding goodness
In everyday
Has become
My new job title
It’s almost
As essential
As taking breath
Is to my survival
In DC I took a little journey to the Botanical Gardens, and I took pleasure in not only admiring each rose, but leaning down and smelling them. Taking the adage literally was the best thing I could do for myself. That week I walked and walked. I took the time to pet every dog, Eat every delicious bite. And shop til I dropped.
Real life connection is where it’s at right now. Gearing up for Christmas card season. My favorite.
Love yourself and one another
Reveling in refreshment
Rain wash away
Every impure thought
Each false accusation
And leave me
Cleansed
From the
Inside out
So kind of you all to check on my mental health. I appreciate it more than you know. I’m dong better. I’m seeking community in real life. The more I limit social media the happier I am. I don’t want curated feeds. I don’t want projected perfection. It makes me crave that feeling more than I should admit. I’m very human in need of a God who guards what’s His. That being said, I added another Instagram account with a working link to the blog for those who want it. I’m being very careful as to who or what I follow. If you want to leave your Instagram handle for me, you can. If not, no problem.
And it took a stop into a local post office and drug store to make me feel better. Two ladies who took the time to help me, not rush me and told me to take my time. Who gave me their kindness and time. Nothing extraordinary it seemed, but lifted my soul in ways that leaves my soul weeping happy tears. I treasure every good day. Every unexpected moment of joy. Every ounce of love that is in my way to receive.
Love yourself and one another.
Planted in love
Grounded in love
Abounding in hope
Rooted peacefully
Knowing
For all
I’ve not
Yet uncovered
The firmament
Of Your Word
Never ceases
To leave
My heart
Leaping joyfully
In the knowledge
That Presence
Precedes
Obedience
Every time
I think
I’ve learned
What God
Wants from
Me again
The reminder
Isn’t subtle
Anymore
He shows me
My disdain
And utter contempt
And He raises
The stakes
Ups the ante
And shows
Me where
My faith
Has some
Gaping holes
Grace He gives
He doles out
Hard truth
Without impunity
He says
Stop looking
To humans
To satisfy
They mean well
But their
First instinct
Isn’t your
Best interest
They will sell
What you most covet
Happiness
Joy or contentment
The fact is
Humanity
Can’t provide it
No money
Or person
Can give you
What I have
Your trust is misplaced
I seek You
I want You
Not for what
Is offered
But by
What I hope
To bestow
Upon you
Created in love
Always and forevermore
Life is
Not fair
At times
Whether
It’s a bad call
In a sporting event
Where it seems
This team
Gets breaks
More than others
Or marginalized people
Have to fight battles
For centuries
Because it’s de rigeur
I’m learning
That some fights
Aren’t mine
And I accept
Again what
I can’t understand
Because
Bitterness
Jealousy
And anger
Emotions
I can’t afford
To keep
Any longer
If my desire
Is to live
Peacefully with self
Do I want fame
Fortune
Or a picture perfect
Relationship
For the world’s
Consumption
God is having
A field day
Breaking down
The walls
While I’d like
This process
To be quick and timely
It is not
Deliberately slow
Feeling every crack
And break
With an archer’s
Accuracy and precision
Surrender
It always
Leaves me
Tongue tied
How you teach me
In different ways
The answer
Remains the same
Love yourself and one another
Finding peace
Will only
Come when
I realize
All humans
Are flawed
And fallible
Selling us
A version
Of themselves
For profit
Praise
Or whatever
Is sought
The fact is
I’m not
To judge
For whatever
Is shown
Is yours
To choose
Free will
What a thing
We have
Use it wisely
I don’t have
To like everyone
I don’t
But as
I’m reminded
I’m called to love
And that
Is not
A negotiable request
God
You love
My eccentricity
Where I
Gravitate
Towards
Nicks and Taylor
No bubblegum pop
Where I keep
Loving those
Who don’t return
The favor
So easy
To hate
What we don’t like
Myself included
Have to let
You rid me
Of my biases
MLK Jr
Said hate
Was too big
A burden to bear
When will
We learn
You know
My dreams
But right now
You want my soul
Before the world
Crushes it
Glory
Records
To be remembered
And yet
Everything
With time
Is eclipsed
Broken
Waiting
To be conquered
Cerebral Palsy
Forces me
To live
In reality
One that
Isn’t pretty
Or forgiving
Yet acceptance
Of the
Immense privilege
I have
That you provide
Kindness
In unexpected ways
Up with
The roosters
In deep
Meditative repose
Covered in
The love of
The cross
Man is
No substitute
For you
Give me
Strength
To rise
In confident
Power
Not fearing
What isn’t certain
Realizing
I’m not
Called to like
All circumstances
But love
That is
Another story
You don’t abandon
Following in
Your instruction
Finding peace
In arms
That are
Big enough
To calm
Every anxiety
Choose hope
Above all else
In the clouds
In majesty’s majesty
I trust
What I
Can’t understand
I needed to remind myself. It is not conformity or popularity I seek. The cross and the center of His will can be a very lonely place. No man is an island. Thomas Merton you had it right. The island is where I find myself. Trying to guard my heart. My tongue. I surrender every day. Praying it sticks.
Learning to
Not repay
Disrespect
With the
The like
Living out
The commandments
Gets harder
By the day
The entitlement
Of man
Seems to increase
With each dollar
Of added wealth
A wrong
Multiplied
By another
Whether justified
Leaves one
No better
Than the perpetrator
Love me enough
To give it
Away freely
No TV
For a week
And limited
Social presence
Made me
Content
More
Than
I’d like
To admit
Engaging
With everyday humans
Not inflated thoughts
And hubris
Seven days
Is all
It takes
For you
Lord
In an effort to grow, I’ve added an Instagram page devoted to the blog. It’s @rkrsrue. Thank you. I’m learning as I go. Thank you for your patience. I’m learning not all change is bad.
I’m home. Grateful and blessed for a week that taught me what strength is. I was in Washington, DC to see a friend. I walked and walked. I shopped. I ate so much good food. Let me tell you what I found. God gave me a peace I can’t explain. From the beginning to its conclusion today. I was in Nordstrom being prayed over. It was one of the most poignant moments I’ve had. The TSA screener offering me a hug. The grace given in the metro for me to find a seat. I was given mercy and love. The only thing I did was be myself. That was enough.
I’ve spent a lifetime apologizing for how God made me, and this week I was asked to stop. Stop apologizing. Stop making myself small to make others feel their own humanity. I wasn’t asked to speed up. I was asked to just be me. I realize that is what I ask of you. Be yourself.
I’ve spoken multiple languages. I’ve greeted all I meet. I pet every dog I could. What I want to do is thank God for doing what I couldn’t do. I truly believe people can tell if your heart is pure. Most times I didn’t need to ask. It was offered. God will meet you where you are. This is what surrender looks like. And it’s a wonderful thought.
Love yourself and one another
It’s the blog’s birthday. God, you are so faithful to continue to give me words to say, and ears to listen. Grateful.
In the shadow
Of resilience
Change
Like the hue
Of the leaves
Gives me hope
Enough to
Chase the
Pot of gold
At the end
Of your rainbow
The colors
Of grace
Illuminate the soul
Of this weary
Wee lad
And bring
The countenance
Looking for
The bright beginning
I saw something that said “Maturity is moving beyond being the recipient of grace to being responsible for extending it”
Yesterday I had a medical procedure that is usually routine. Yesterday not so much. It was an experience I don’t want to relive. All I can say is God gave me a strength I’ve not known in a long time. And in all my years, I’ve never cried or had the desire to curse out a medical professional. If you’re guessing what I’m about to say. You know.
Yesterday, I did things I thought I’d never do. You do them when you have no other choice. If you’re wondering I did not utter curse words. I was to busy trying to not think about the pain. I’m grateful that I could endure it. And I’m grateful for a mother who spoke up when I couldn’t.
Love yourself and one another
To the Word
Clinging
To the robe
That holds
Hopeful power
And providence
May I hold on
And find
That hope
Like the
Well
Never ceases providing
A productive and peaceful
Life
Where abundance
Is real
Not a mirage
To be wished upon
The sun
Rises
From beyond
The trees
A glimpse of
Untouched beauty
For in creation
Our unique character
Shines
Unblemished by
Human hands
For as much
As we try
Our hands
Only work well
At the direction
Of our Father’s
Love yourself and one another
Grateful for
The Bama belle
Who surprises
Me with
The best encouragement
The marshmallow
In the s’more
The softness
To balance
The gruff exterior
Of my hardened heart
Find a friend
Who is the Wal-Mart
To your designer
In that polar opposite
You find your friendship
Denominator
Dreaming of
A Milanese adventure
Days spent
Marveling
At architecture
Perusing
The best fashion
And eating
My weight
In pasta
And gelato
Thinking on
Good and noble
Pursuits
To anchor me
In the present
And not
Let my anxiety
Run wild
I’m on
The spin cycle
With no end
In sight
My rational state
Has been obliterated
Rid me
Of my need
My desire
My wants
Borne of
Of fear
When will
It end
My scared soul
Is my faith
So weak
That mustard seed
Seems insurmountable
But with
Your love
Restore me
To the joy
Only You
Provide
Love yourself and one another
Carrots
And apples
For my equine
Friend
Who just
Gave me
A ride
Worthy
Of a thoroughbred
Gave me
An adrenaline rush
An endorphin kick
To rival
Any workout
Now
He’s back
In his stall
Getting a cool down
And kisses
For God’s creatures
Can provide
The best therapy
For my rattled worldview
A simple Saturday morning
Spent with creation
Reviving a heart
That needed
Sweet surrender
And a hope
That isn’t measured
In treasures
That rust
And rot
Over time
Lead me
Where
You want
Me to be
Water me
With love
And never
Leave me
Even when
I try
Flee
Flight risk
I am
Even if
I come
Running back
Letting the
Sweet sun
Give me
The biggest hug
As I ate
The most
Decadent
Chocolate chip cookie
Is the meaning
Of a enjoying
A moment
You never
Would have
Savored before
But now
The melted goodness
Makes life
A palatable pleasure
You allow me
To reap goodness
As I sit here
Upon grateful tears
You’re asking
For a trust
I’ve never given
Didn’t know
If I had it
Surrender
Turns out
It is available
If I relinquish
The one thing
I’ve wanted
But never had
Control
Hermes scarf
Yankees ball cap
Jeans
Braces
And muddy Nikes
The outfit
Of the day
Trying to add
A little whimsy
To my reality
Cooler temperatures
Have me reaching
For that shredded
Martha’s Vineyard
Sweatshirt
I can’t seem
To part with
It brings
The memory
To life
Three years later
Letting gratitude flow
Blessed to see
The wild world
Created for
Enjoying
Savoring
And preserving
Relishing the day
For what it is
Not for selfish
Desires
In the hollers
Deep in
Those peaks
Finding faith
In the oasis
Of hope
On which
Survival is hinged
When the
Only hope
Is in
The Father
Son
And Holy Ghost
In the quiet
Of this early morning
Feeling peace
The fan
Going round
Is not
To be taken
For granted again
Staring upward
Grateful
Because
Simple pleasures
Have become
True luxuries
Listening to church this morning I heard something that’s shaken my soul. God doesn’t change our circumstances. We change amidst them. I’ve never heard something so simple, yet for me so truthful. In seven days, God in His glory upended my worldview. Upended everything I believed.
Torn down
To studs
And shown
Love
That comes
When searching
Is too tiring
Your work
Begins
When I
Stop seeking
Love yourself and one another
In the cool
Breezes
My soul reclines
In sweet
Soliloquies
Burberry trench
Hunter boots
And leaves
Changing to
Hues of orange
And bright reds
Bring to mind
Memories
Of a New England
Escape
Full of coffee
And cannolis
Things are returning to normal here. What has not returned to normal is me. Therapy is ongoing, but folks, it takes time. I don’t know what is happening, but I’m coming up for air slowly. Gratitude and grief mix in a beautiful serenade. I hardened my heart, but it’s being softened again. Just because the world is cruel or unfair doesn’t give me permission to do the same. As one of you had to remind me, I no longer hide my pain, but others do by projecting joy to the outside world. And that is their choice.
On behalf of myself, I thank you for being a sounding board. A safe place. The true measure of wealth is receiving love when nothing of value can be returned.
I will recover. It’s just not on my timetable. I love you.
In the woods
Dodging leaves
Branches
And limbs
Reminded
Of fragility
In strength
Brutality
Followed
By eery calm
The roar
Of force
Is quieted
By the word
Commanding presence
In distress
Even more so
In peaceful silence
Surrendering
Humbling
Humanity
With each
Sway of
Upward held
Hands
Lord
Restore
This vessel
As fit
For the Kingdom’s
Holiness
And reverent
Adoration
Make me
Worthy
Of the calling
Yours
Yours
To declare
Fully and
Wholly
Walking in grace
Coddled by mercy
As transformation
From reckless sinner
To redeemed child
Commences
Perfectly broken
For your use
Go to work
Lord
And find me
Radically upended
In love
Not understood
Just received
I’m raw. Trust me, I’m aware. I no longer ask why. Or am getting better at not going down that trail of disaster. I’m functioning on reserves of the well. Surrender happens when you no longer know what to seek. When the only thing you seek is the Face. Meet me eye to eye. Search my tears. Search my fears. Rid me of my bitterness and jealousy. Rid me of the need to know.
God is the only One who can answer my soul. The mass delusion of the world. Thanks friend. Thanks friend for reminding me that we idolize celebrities and others who lives appear perfect. The happiest relationships. The money to not worry about anything. God is stripping me of false idols. The more I see, the more I need to disconnect. Be happy and prosper. I’m finding that nothing is satisfying my soul.
In seven days, I’ve been stripped bare. I’ve not been able to accept that you could love me as well as you do. But, you, are faithful in your love for me. And it’s your love keeping me afloat. You give me all of yourselves. Thank you friends.
What I need
Manna from Heaven
Is your love
For this
Sinner
Lord
O my soul
Feet to fire
Under my bum
Can’t wait
For the world
To save you
It left you hanging
Letting the truth
Do the talking
Better love
Thy neighbor
Takes on
New meaning
We country folks
Getting it done
One mule
One horse
And a scruffy mutt
Some thoughts
In the five stages of grief. Don’t know how long this lasts. Those who don’t have empathy have lost me. I’m trying not to judge, it’s hard. I can’t watch news or the latest gossip. It just makes me mad. Don’t know what is says about me. In the past week, I’ve had the chance to see my unsavory ways. If I post something light, it’s not that I don’t care. I just need to dream again. I need to believe in goodness again. I’m not able to write without crying. My tears are watering the Earth right now.
God
A blubbering mess
Who still
Dreams
Of walking
The rues
And carrying
The wares
Of Coco
Are in
Stark contrast
To fire ants
Green grass
And southern drawls
May you
Caress me
Like the
Softest
Sweetest
Silk
Warm me
With crushed velvet
And hold me
In perfect peace
Lord,
My mountain home
In tatters
Only You
Can deliver her
Attention
She needs
Yet receives
Not
She’s the workhorse
The soul
Not the glamorous star
We want the flash
Forgetting the backbone
It’s those hills
That hug me
And love me
Like no other
I’m okay physically. Mentally, I’m coming out of survival mode. I woke up last night reaching for a flashlight I no longer need. I rode to town yesterday, and as I looked around, how I have power and water is a miracle. I open up to write and tears flow. Tears of relief and guilt mix. I asked my therapist how long this would last. Her guess. A while. I prayed for one week for power, and one the seventh day, He delivered. Honestly, I doubted after day two, but God was showing me something. I’m strong. You do things you never thought you would.
I got rid of so many undergarments. Please don’t think going to the bathroom outdoors is an easy task for everyone. My pride had to go. Doing laundry by hand is exercise. The washing machine is a luxury. I know now why on the seventh day rest is commanded.
I have power and water. Gratitude holds new meaning. I will continue writing, I don’t know how it will look.
Grace
What
I need
As I move forward
Not forgetting
That suffering
Happens every day
Yet we persist
My life
Not my own
Anymore
Dreaming of
Exotic places
And wild spaces
Yet knowing
The next steps
Will require
Courage
Navigating
Silver spooned
Blue blooded
Nature doesn’t discriminate
Until the fire
Refines you
Compassion
Is not a given
When the
Trials of humanity
Come to the door
Yours
Do you
Give freely
Willingly
And without pretense
What seven days
Shows
Is change happens
Even as our
Eyes are
Wide open
Gratefulness
And grief
Intertwine
Positivity
Meets reality
In a delicate dance
I never wanted
To partake in
In my reality
The dream
Still lives
Even as
My sensitivity
Is heightened
To the plight of
Others
You all
Told me
Change was hard
Didn’t listen
Naïveté is gone
But hope
Is the constant
Must now
Be a light
In my own
World
The rains came
Didn’t stop
Wind snapped trees
Like paper clips
Rubber banded
And coiled
Tighter than
This girl’s
Anxiety
What would follow
Is seven days
Without power
And a psyche
Seeking a lifeline
I don’t know how I will write going forward. I’m not the same. I read and reread your words as they were a lifeline. Helene which is my mother’s name by the way, fundamentally altered me. When I asked God to go give me a story, this is not what I had in mind.
One of you told me what I want didn’t matter, and over the past seven days I’ve done what I thought impossible. I hope to be able to put into words what God can do in seven days, but for right now, I leave you with this.
Please continue to love, be hopeful and trust.
Thank you for pouring into a vessel flailing in uncertainty.
I’m okay. Honestly I’m trying to stay grateful. I’m trying to stay hopeful. I can’t never thank you enough enough. Love you
I have to get back to writing. My anxiety feels like a merry go round. I’m trying to fix things I can’t control. Loss of a flushable toilet is my biggest concern. I’ve ruined more clothes than I know. Disability people get it. Anything you send me is much appreciated, but if you’re able send gifts to people who need it. You’re boosting my mental state, but you could help someone not go hungry.
Love you.
I haven’t wanted to post. I never thought I’d cry at the loss of power and water. Yesterday was not pretty. Got up at 3:30 am in search of water and fuel. It was found. You’d thought I’d won the lottery.
Never thought I would use a tree as a restroom. Collect rainwater for a quick bath. Thank God to use sparkling water to brush teeth. Watermelon and mint. Not recommended.
A few hours from me is Western North Carolina. A place where my soul find rest is destroyed.
Nature can be brutal yet beautiful at the same time.
I’m doing well. I just feel very primitive and isolated right now, even when I know I’m not alone. Very blessed still.
It’s hard to comment on cell phone. I’m sorry.
Pray. Or do as you feel like you need to do.
Grateful after a rough day yesterday.
Need book recommendations to keep my mind busy.
Love you all
Quick update. No power or water. Holding on. Trying to keep calm. Thankful. Just in a waiting pattern.
Honestly. Have so much. Yet still so exhausted
Strolling yesterday
Muscles loosened
Mind free
Let the sun
Warm
The toes
To the head
Walk into
The shop
Surprised by
A smile
Of someone
I haven’t seen
In years
And the love
On their face
As we greeted
Each other
Was a wonderful surprise
Orchestrated by
The Father
Of Heaven
And Earth
When the day
Isn’t structured
The Star
Isn’t obstructed
By unnecessary
Noise
Praying
In the shower
It’s where
No distractions
Exist
Just the
Scent of cucumbers
And the need
To expel
Negativity
And sing
Some John Denver
Picturing those
Country roads
That bring peace
Because they’re
Rarely used
Or traveled
Loving the silence
I detested
For years
Until what
Needed
Is more imperative
Than what
Is desired
In my own strength
Laughing out loud
Coming back
To trust
When will
Full surrender
Last more
Than a few minutes
Lord
This child
Needs
Constant reminders
Of who
You are
And what
You do
Control
And surrender
Can’t be
Battling
For supremacy
Change
Inevitable
Yet
Welcome
Without it
No improvement
Is ever sought
Or made
And that
Is truly
Sadness
Meeting
Reality
Pray without ceasing
Move with discomfort
Align with grace
Be merciful
To those
Who grace
Your path
Prayer requests and praise reports?
Please pray for a friend who got a diagnosis she wasn’t expecting. Thank you.
Fighting the fear
Each
And every day
Lord
Hold me
Don’t release
Me
Tethered
To the
Garment
Coming up
For breath
Lift my head
My feet
Stumble not
When You
Are the
Head of
My heart
Rest
Recovering
Sore
But loosening
Health
The wealth
That never ends
If I don’t get to you all today, I’m sorry.
Love yourself and one another
On that school bus
Years gone by
Began
The search
For You
Scared
But knew
Strength
Was not
In my grasp
So I silently
Relented
Big yellow
Let me
To the steeples
And spires
Now it
Isn’t the steeples
That keep me
Running
Back into
That strength
Fear brings
Me back
Your love
Keeps me
Firmly rooted
Planted in soil
Richly protected
Holy water
At hand
In the Father’s palm
On bowed knees
Praying
That
What
Isn’t
Verbalized
Is still
Heard
By the
Father
As the
Ocean
Roars
Tosses
Me around
Like measly
Seaweed
Swallowing
Bitter water
Gasping
For air
As choking
Up lungs
Is commonplace
Lord
Walk on
Water
Declare
Rise up child
Ye of little faith
The Savior’s here
I was asked recently a question that has me thinking. Would I swap one disability for another. Would I rather have my mind, and suffer physically or reverse it. I don’t know if theirs is a comparison to be made.
I don’t know if there is a right answer. And for once. I’m glad I don’t have to make the choice. I just pray that He holds me together as I struggle with trusting the will of God.
With each day I live I worry what my future looks like. Will I survive the doubt? The fear? Do I trust? Disability strips you of certainty. It can sink confidence faster than icebergs. Disability as a child is a fantasy compared to the reality I am facing.
Full dependence on God is something I always feared. We’re taught self-reliance. I’ve never really known that concept. Truth sets us free. I know it. But, do I trust what I do know. The question. The question is this. I now ask is no longer why. The question is how?
In a garden
Of daisies
Tulips
And freesias
A pink
Sundress
Accompanied
By a soft pashmina
Where dainty
Ballet flats
Are muddied
Because
The desire
To become
One with
The flowers
Supersedes
Any notion
Of propriety
Coffee and music
Are my companions
This rainy morning
Thankful that
Life is beautiful
With my family
Joyous
And peace
Is within
Thinking back
On travel
From years
Gone by
The seaside days
Savoring buttered
Lobster
And red potatoes
Hydrangeas
In pinks
Purples
And the lightest
Sky blues
Striped swimwear
Linen coverups
Barefooted
Sandy
And sated
In summer sun
Cape days
The soul aglow
In natural bliss
Set off
By the scent
Of Hawaiian Tropic
Chit chatting
As I sip
An iced coffee
While enjoying
Crisp air
I take
A moment
To say
Thank you
Hoping
To never forget
The small things
Being able
To walk up
A flight
Of stairs
Without
Being breathless
Enjoying the
Feeling of freedom
That my muscles
Allow me
Thank you Lord. For as much as I whine, my body holds. Yes I need more rest right row, but that is more than a blessing. I still detest my total dependence on You many days. I realize its where I’m meant to be. And I’m learning. I’m learning I’m no match for Your Omnipresence
Solemnity
Solidarity
Remembrance
Determination
To be
Better
Than
You
Found
Us
Time
Doesn’t
Heal
All
Wounds
Adaptation
Is learned
With a reality
We can’t fathom
Yet are forced
To accept
Pink stripes
Diamonds
Hugging
The collarbone
As the sun
Sets on
Another day
As I praise
For worth
Is not
In adornment
It is
In
Beauty
That eclipses
Those precious
Stones
Refined
From Earth
To the
Finished product
That makes
Most women
Squeal
In delight
Once the
Gift
Is opened
From that
Red box
Thank you
Lord
For doing
What
I couldn’t do
And giving me
Hope
I never wanted to write like this. I never found myself that interesting. I’m just me. I’m someone so flawed. I felt that my shame was beyond sharing. I’m no celebrity. I wield no power. No billions to my name. Could a poor sinner with a list of daily grievances do it. Make it writing each day with no idea what to say each day? I know now it’s possible. In those early days, I was a lost little girl with no faith in much of anything, yet alone myself. I’ve lost count of the years, but this place has given me something I can’t pay back in dollars. Has writing cured me? No, but I’m different because each day you humble me. Humble me with your love.
I still need therapy and medication. Cerebral Palsy is unrelenting on my body and mind. As I’m privileged to age, I recognize what I need versus what I want. All this to say is that this community has helped save me from my own negative thoughts. Thank you.
If you would please pray for Mix and Match Mama. Check out her blog post if you’re so inclined to read and pray. Thank you.
As steps
Are shadowed
In sand
Figured
In wholeness
Presence
Allowed
To prosper
Purposefully
Known
No agenda
Simply
To stand
In reverence
Of nature’s
Providence
Taking it back
To jumping
In mud puddles
Pigtails
Swinging round
In colored
Rubber bands
As my giggles
Can be heard
Round the block
Recruiting
Others
To join
In the joy
Of pleasure
Derived
From
A five minute
Thunderstorm
Wrap me
In the arms
That never
Cease to love
And comfort
My anxious ways
Let me find
My peace
In the place
That never fails
Or abandons ship
When the seas
Want their say
In the dark
Resting in
The knowledge
That the whole world
May celebrate
One soul
But You
Only ask
That my
Soul
Only answer
To the One
Who gives
Healing
Acceptance
And love
To a heart
Who’s delight
Is kept
In arms
More capable
To hold me
Until the
Storms
Of life
Quell
Or I’m willing
To confront
A reality
That requires
A strength
I don’t want
To face
But must
Trust
Even if
Understanding
Is not
In the offing
Shoes on the rock
Towel too
Jumping off
Diving in
To the
Cold waters
Plunging
Into natural bliss
As surfacing
Is second nature
Doggie paddling
As breath is caught
And a deep exhalation
Is taken in gratitude
Life and joy
Mix in
The depths
Of creation’s majesty
Picturing the scene
This morning
As rest
Is on the docket
This beautiful
Thursday
Walking along
In a clarity
Only found
When my
Surroundings
Became the
Focal point
The pink flowers
To marvel
The greenery
To admire
The temps
Mine to satisfy
The longing
For the new
As I look
Back only
So that
The present
Can be relished
Sometimes
Being surprised
Is the gift
Whose return
Is everlasting
In its attempt
To be
The lesson
We remember
When days
Seem to ask
More questions
Than necessary
A sweet lady’s
Colorful dress
Prompted an
Encounter
That has
His fingerprints
Everywhere
Maybe the answer
Isn’t meant
To be known
As I saw
Somewhere
And my mind
Went spinning
Faster than
Legs
On a peloton
He uses
What I may
Not like
To help
Me see
The mission
The mission
Lovelies
To love
Love well
No proselytizing
The Savior
Is alive
And kicking
In the being
Of one
Regine
Talia
Karpel
That
Is the
Meaning of life
What are
You showing
Me today
I’m worthy
No need
To put
Up a front
Or a mask
To make
Myself more
Palatable to take
Going to
The creek
Just to
Hear my
Little waterfall
Slowly empty
Again and again
Little miracles
Make the
Big ones
Possible
Some things I’m loving
Sunscreen with a scent that reminds me of childhood
Upcoming thoughts of NC apples.
Snail mail
Reminding myself some writing hits and some misses. Keep at it.
Limiting social media
Cozy pjs
Not loving
That I fight doubt every day
Prayer requests and praises?
Drinking whisky
No tumblers
The bottle
And I
Are
One tonight
Drowning
Our worries
Til morning
When the real
Work begins
Seeking atonement
For our
Wayward ways
And misguided
Perceptions
Of reality
What feeds your mind
Frees or enslaves
Pick wisely
Choosing quiet
This morning
Enjoying a
Buttered English muffin
And a medium roast brew
As I stare out
At the grass
Still lush
And green
Not rushing
The seasons
Letting them
Be the compass
Of my
Own self
Soul listen
Heart align
As the guiding force
Known as
The deity
I serve
Comes
To cup my cheeks
With a sweet
Acknowledgment
Of Presence
Taking a walk
Down the gravel road
Off to the mailbox
Checking to see
If I have
Wonderful surprises
Ahead of me
Taking simplicity
Making it
Extraordinarily joyful
Because in all travels
The memories made
Are ordinary interactions
In everyday spaces
In the backdrop
Of the magnificent
Cathedral
Is the Father
Asking if
Anything is needed
On my end
As I dream
Of wild surf
Crashing against
The cliffs
With a chilled air
I realized
I’m humming
Yellow Submarine
On a cloudless
September evening
Full of
Anticipatory revelry
Let my heart
Not be shattered
By the weight
Of my own
Doubt
The best
Surprises
Take time
And yet
Here I am
Struggling
To be happy
In the wait
I don’t want
To question
I know
Great is
On the way
I just can’t comprehend
The timing
Lord
You know
What I want
Is it that grand
That the ground
Would shake
And tremble
With the magnitude
Of its blessing
Would you pray
For me
I want to rejoice
In others good fortune
Until mine comes
When I see
You
Smiles
Erupt
For the heart
Has finally
The reason
The organ beats
The sun that shines
The reel
That keeps spinning
And the joy
That doesn’t
Go out
Under pressure
The arms
That circle
Mine
In an embrace
That goes
On and on
Because
Being burrowed
In warmth
Is an ecstasy
Where parting
Is sweet sorrow
Mixed with
Pure agony
I never thought God would change me. After reading your recent comments, I realized that the change has been so subtle, I’ve not recognized it. I’m kind of glad I didn’t know until now. I would have fought Him. I just didn’t know He was working. And that’s the biggest blessing. I always wonder if I will run out of things to say, it hasn’t happened yet. I’m grateful. I’m grateful He still finds me a viable vessel.
You gave me the best morale boost telling me I’d be missed if I stopped writing and sharing with you publicly. I used to want to hide. Now, I see that hiding left me to loneliness and despair. I think I continue because the community here affirms my talent, my worth, my humanity.
There is a lot I don’t know. I just feel I will continue as long as I’m meant to do it. I’m the richest poor person because you love me so well. I never knew people could and would love a person like me. So flawed. A person who needs help daily. And yet through you, He provides.
What He sees in me I will never know or understand. I love you all. Thank you for being the love of Jesus. It doesn’t matter what you believe. He brings you to me every day. And every day, it’s a blessing I hope to never take for granted.
Good morning.
I saw a post on Instagram that asked would you still write if no one ever read your work. When I was younger I would immediately say yes. Now, I’m not so sure. Honesty here. You reading my words here makes me feel loved, hopeful and just so happy. If God asked me to continue without the audience, than the answer might be different. Right now, I’m glad I don’t have to choose. It’s ironic over a decade ago, I didn’t want my work to be available consumption. How times have changed. Never thought I would change. I’m a stubborn mule.
Write
What you know
That a dog
Can be taught
New tricks
With much prodding
Let me
Find joy
In the circumstance
For in brokenness
Your Power
Is made real
Not a
Talking point
For intellectual debate
Mon Dieu
T’aime
Tres fort
For what
You give
Is something
More glorious
Than denarii
Strolling the
Lavender fields
Humming a
French tune
As I imagine
Myself in
Valensole
Mais oui
Mes Amis
The bucking bronc
Flies me around
The arena
Faster
Than he
Was let
Out of
The Shute
Brass buckled
Wrangler
Laced in mud
And manure
Now the scent
That permeates
The hair
That was so
Coiffed and pretty
Now looks
Like a stiff wind
Shook it up
More than
Than that
Alcohol
In the
Martini shaker
I’m well shaken
Not stirred
Mr. Bond
Not that
I ever was
A show pony
With pedigree
More mustang
Than thoroughbred
My breeding stock
Reads like
A serving of
Pickled herring
And the
Cheapest vodka
Found
Give me strength
To follow
The path
The steady
Sturdy
One
The flashy
Opulence
Not needed
Just a quiet
Resolve and desire
To do right
Love fiercely
Walk humbly
Until the dreams
In the center
Of the chest
Are outward manifestations
Of Your love
In the shadow
Of the mount
I find my footing
The foundation
Of faith
Of love
Of the hope
That is ever present
In the children
Who profess
Allegiance
And fidelity
To the One
Who sustains
Never refraining
From checking
Our hearts
At the door
Of who
We’re
Called to be
Lord,
You never said growth would be easy. You never said acceptance would be easy. You never said joy would be easy. Not of it is. Acceptance is a daily process. A daily practice. I’m grateful for a lot in this life, but I’m just acknowledging the reality I face everyday. And it’s a great reality most days, but some days I just need a little more grace. I know there is a reason for everything, it’s just hard to swallow sometimes. So right now, I’m grateful that I can be real, real honest and say that the highlight of my day is to wake up chat with God, friends, write and exercise to alleviate what ails me. I don’t need sympathy. I just need to get it out. I used to put my sorrows in the mason jar, but it didn’t serve me. I used to bottle it up waiting for it to detonate. I don’t have that luxury.
Working on self takes time. I’m doing the work, but sometimes we hit the triggers that bring up hard truths. Hiding from them doesn’t serve me. So, I’m not hiding them. If the world serves perfection on a platter, I’m running the other way. Don’t lie. Even the richest man has issues, they just have nicer toys to play with.
So right now, I’m going to curl up with a good book, and get lost in a story, while thinking of my own to tell.
Love you
Fill me up
So I don’t
Desire
What depletes
And empties
My soul
Love
Even when
You wonder
Why
Why
Has left
More men
In despair
And questioning
What is
Not to
Be understood
Just trusted
Where your heart is
Tells me
Where your
Mouth meets
Love of money
Root of
All evil
But what
Comes off
My tongue
Will destroy
With the ferocity
Of a wildfire
Left untamed
Lord
Let me love
How you demand
Not based
On what
Is deserved
At the gates
I need the Trinity
That those
Words in red
Were met
With acts
Of service
Not just
Spare coins
Left in
The collection
Plate
I never knew how much God would move when I took my hands off the wheel. I don’t drive the car. Not that I ever did. Being still is one the best things I’ve ever done. It’s one of the most trying. To turn off the brain takes work. I started being present in the everyday. Not in the fantasy. As to quote someone quite famous “I’m doing something” in being silent to a still, small voice.
I listened to a sermon Sunday that got me wondering when I stopped following this knowledge so simple yet revolutionary.”Faith is just an idea until we take a risk and act on it”. This one statement has shifted something so fundamental in me. When did I get so scared? When did I let the world define my value? When did I start to doubt the I AM that is God.
God is using people to minister to me. I’m learning not to get defensive to constructive criticism. If its being given freely. It’s because success is seen where failure is my default. Let people speak into you. I’m getting daily and weekly pep talks from whomever is placed in the path.
I was reminded of something so foundational. I’ve been given a gift. I need to share it. I need to be brave. I need to show the world and the disabled community what is possible. What is attainable. Worthy of love. Worthy of hope. Worthy of help. We all need help. If you don’t now, be grateful. I’m independent to a point, but wholly dependent on the Grace of God.
Could I touch the robe? Be healed because of my faith as the pastored said? Yes. I don’t believe that is my lot. Romans 12:12 is where my heart is. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” I haven’t done any of this. I’ve demanded God grant me three wishes like a genie. My prayer life looks like a to-do list. Joyful. I don’t know what that is. Patient in affliction. That is laughable, if it were funny. I’m patient in nothing. Waiting more than two minutes to check out in a department store makes me want to drop potential purchases in random places, and run for the exits. I wish I were joking. I’m not. I was so proud of myself for using self-checkout in Wal-Mart yesterday, and not getting deterred when the item wouldn’t scan.
If you’re going to say you understand me, or to give myself grace, I appreciate your great love and grace for me. I also know I need tough love. I need what I don’t want. I won’t grow if as my great friend Rowena told me: “Pretty lies might be nice, but they get you nowhere”. I have somewhere to go. I don’t know where exactly. When much is given, much is required. Maybe you can quote the verse in its entirety, but I hope the picture is getting clearer.
I’m on a mission to display what God can do with broken people. People the world doesn’t consider to hold much value. Do I think I change the world. No. I know who I’m not. Millions don’t chant my name or know me by my first name alone. And, that is okay. More than okay. I love you all because you love me regardless of my ability to give you anything in return.
Love yourself and one another.
Lord
Take my fear
Use it
Mold it
If it
Must stay
If not
Let me
Trust
That the
Journey
You have
Me on
Is one
Just for
My soul
To rejoice
As Cuban
As a cigar
Ukrainian
And Romanian
Loved the Olympics
Because I got
To cheer
For my ancestral heritage
Yet be grateful
That I bleed
Red, white
And blue
Henry Louis Gates
I love finding
My roots
And treasuring
The person
They shape
As I look
At my reflection
And tell
The Master
How much
Of a privilege
It is
To be His
He doesn’t like
That my soul
Has been split
Between perfection
And mediocrity
Do not seek
To copy
Humanity
All imperfect
Flawed beings
Needing saving
From ourselves
Love me well
Until I’m able
To do it
With consistency
Do I trust
That you’re
All I need
That time
Hasn’t been lost
Or not used wisely
Redeem me
Lead me
The sun
Is there
For shining
Thriving
And the rain
Pours down
To water
A soul
In drought
Gallop into freedom
Run into abundance
Walk in joy
Grounded
In grass
And faith
Where the
Voice heard
Is not
My own
Day one
Of belief
Where no
Questions
Are asked
No answers
Sought
Just dreaming
Of the days
Juggie and I
Were in sync
The noise
Of confident
Strides
A long
Soft mane
Who desired
Delicate caresses
And kind
Adoration
Human nature
Mirrors
My beloved horse
Kindness and love
Displayed
With no
Need
For anything
In return
Though
The animal
Gave me more
Than could ever
Be enumerated
In the shade
Of majestic oaks
An animal
Bestowed on me
The greatest gift
Peace
Greener pastures
The goal
The only
Thing is
You’re never
Prepared for
What it takes
To make
It happen
The sweaty brows
Bruised knees
And egos
That get
Busted
More than
NCAA brackets
Life
What happens
When focus
Is lost
And running
On fumes
Making up
Lost ground
And precious seconds
Lord
Make it
Worth the pain
Knee deep
In the weeds
Is the valley
Of shadows
Lurking
Underneath
What will
Be found
Remains
In mystical mystery
Will life’s answers
Appear
Without realizing
I’ve been
Asking
The wrong questions
All along.
Silky chemise
Underneath
Oversized sweater
On top
To wrap
Myself in
A snuggled hug
Trying to replicate
Human touch
Craving the heat
Of a warm body
Beside me
Lord warm
Me up
From the
Inside out
And give me
The desires
Of my
Heart
When You
Get ready
To bless
Me
May the sun
In its strength
Mirror
That of
The Son
Pour my cup
Fill it up
And keep
It going
So I
Can pass
It on
Fulfill me
So I lack nothing
Or seek
Something
I think
I want
But will
Leave me
Hungry
And thirsting
For the
Good stuff
God is working on my soul. Stillness is working. I usually listen to half the instruction, and getting going. I’m getting pieces. I was about to run again, but something didn’t sit well. So I will continue to listen because when I was ready to give up, God keeps bringing it back to my attention.
I wait
Until
You show up
With an
Enthusiastic yes
Or emphatic no
Love yourself and one another
Trusting you
Is so hard
Yet so necessary
Without the world
As my anchor
I’m appreciating
Not knowing
Surprise me
Lord
Give me
Your best
As I rest
Ball cap
Sunscreen
The fishing line
Being yanked
By a big one
Had me
Laughing
God
Has
It
All
Figured
Out
What are you reading?
What are you buying?
What healthy meals are you making?
Your wins for the week?
What is making you smile?
Got some tough love yesterday, but was given it kindly and with love. Sometimes love can be rough. Sometimes perception and reality are so different it takes someone with fresh eyes to show you how to take a mindset reset. In ten minutes this friend reframed my brain on how I view the past, present and future. In two different days, two friends drug me down the rabbit hole of my psyche, digging to the crux of my problem, and turning the world on its axis. They both are busy, but they took the time to minister to me. I told them I didn’t want to bother them, but it wasn’t an option.
I was to spill my guts. I was to release the pain. The agony that has taken over my mind and body. Praying is great, but God gives you people willing to help. Take it. If it’s being offered freely, God is giving you the opening. Use it. When your friends can here in your voice the demons resurfacing, you just say a silent thank you that you can hide. Hide from those whose joy is to see you thrive.
I can’t give them any worldly value, but what I give them is more than enough. And I look up now, smile and give thanks. The return on investment in these friendships is eternal.
So what I’m saying this.
God is giving me
An opportunity
An opening
To reach
Into growth
And greatness
I can only
Hope the same
To be
True for you
Buckle up buttercup
The day is coming
Where no longer
Do the tears
Flow from despair
Rather gratitude
Invades the veins
And leaves
You better
Than you
Were found
And, and
I look forward
Forward with hearty
Anticipation
That the world
I inhabit
Will be
Kinder
And more
Equitable
I saw a friend say all they needed was ‘A Carolina backroad, watermelon and well water’. It made me smile. I understood the feeling. What he described I felt in my soul. I can’t drive, but I can just picture riding in an old pickup spitting watermelon seeds out the window while the solo cup I carry from home was some water from the well waiting on to guzzle as I swelter in triple digit heat.
The radio is blasting my eardrums. The warm breezes brush the follicles. The heat brings the sweat on a tank top that’s seen better days. It doesn’t look great. More like a worn dishrag. The memories it holds. The bonfires in the front pasture sitting on square bales. The days picking up sticks. Fishing with a cane pole. Picking muscadines. Not that I knew what they were until South Carolina became the place I first learned would set my world upside down.
I learned from the old ladies the hard work of picking cotton and frying fatback. I said so many times there wasn’t anything to do in these backwoods, but I was young and dumb. Now I treasure my privacy and quiet. If nobody knew my name. I’d survive. When the world tells you that what you offer has no value, you don’t worry.
The thoughts of others no longer resonate. Look above. The world will tell what you want to hear until it decides your old news. Eventually we all become old news. So I will revel in the backroad, watermelon and well water. The land again delivers. The earth teaches enjoyment because one day you return to where you start.
So Lord, I’m here again. It starts and ends with you. Always has. Always will. I forget it all too often. And in the most simplistic moments you take the time. The time to remind me what will matter. And what never does.
Kicking up
The red clay
Dancing in
Flip flops
Covered in
Cut wet grass
And following
The sparrow
Who God covets
And wondering
When the
Mustard seed
Can become
Real
For a soul
Needing
Daily resets
From a world
Demanding
An expectation
From this human
Who just desires
A tomato sandwich
Spread with
Duke’s mayonnaise
And slices
Of crisp bacon
Finding peace
In simple
Southern classics
Remind me
To access childhood
If only
From the
Annals of
My memory
Classically beautiful. A ballerina’s finesse with athletic torque. Long lines. Toned thighs. The prowess of a lion. The style of a carioca. The happiness of a stick. To know your talent is a masterclass to enjoy. The flair of your culture is in your face.
Love
Who
You are
You don’t get
To choose
Much in life
So smile
Because
Who you are
Is more
Than DNA
In the overcast skies this morning, I take a breath and soak it all in. I’ve had to reset for a bit. Writing has saved me yet frustrated me. I never stopped, but I lost my fire. I lost my joy. I had to go back to square one. The teenage me who reveled in the written word. I won’t be Vonnegut or Tolstoy, but I can be me. I’ve had to be honest. I’ve had to ask myself why I write.
Once I started to answer that question, could I find my footing. It’s been an interesting time. Is my joy totally back? Not yet. Is my confidence back? No. I continue to push ahead until I find it. Keep moving. Keep going. I refuse to let my mind tell me I’m not good enough.
God
As I journey on
Give me joy
Give me peace
Even if
This is
Where my
Success remains
I want more
But I
Want Your
Will
Most of all
In the space
Of time
A birthday
Has come
And gone
Yet
The feeling
Of joy
Is ever present
Because
I’m granted
Your time
And love
Priceless gifts
Worth more
Than many
Worldly goods
Love you all
More than
The flowery
Words
My mind
Can conjure
41 starts now.
May I
Be willing
To learn
Slow to anger
Find gratitude
In simplicity
And love
In mysterious
Places
Thank you for all your love. It’s the best birthday present. Grateful for your faithfulness in building me up. God grant me serenity and peace in the year ahead.
I got a text with an attachement. My nephew has started his own journey on Youtube. It’s called fishdudez. I’m so proud of him. I’m never met a more avid fisherman. He loves to makes his own fishing lures. A true country kid ironically who lives in South Florida. I love you Mason.
He doesn’t know I’m sharing this, but I’m a proud aunt. I will gladly support him, and build him up.
All lowercase fishdudez on Youtube.
Love you kid.
In the soppy slog
Sinking into
The deep green
Of grass
Not seen
In awhile
The valley
Has been productive
Nowhere near fun
As I celebrate
My birth soon
I’m realizing
What joy
Is found
In rebirth
One founded
On truth
That is being
Brought forward
Without blinders
Staring ahead
With hope
That change
Doesn’t have
To be
As scary
That necessary steps
Aren’t meant
To paralyze
But propel
Our feet
In motion
Walking the fields
Stetson as the topper
The leash
On the poodle
Who at fourteen
Still thinks
He’s in his prime
But after
A thirty minute walk
Collapses in
The chair
Snoring for
The next
Hour
The clouds
Fluff and puff
Like the pinkest
And stickiest
Cotton candy
From the state fair
And as
I’m setting
The scene
For a magical
Afternoon
I look out
My kitchen window
And my reality
Is on a nice
Downpour
To water
The parched garden
Dancing to
The beat
Of my
Own drum
Is freeing
My soul
And opening
My heart
To the
Possibility
That the
Miracle
Is ready
To be
Uncovered
Great outdoors
Speak to me
Draw me in
And seep
Into the marrow
Seeing straight
Is a problem
Going back
To the
Stone Age
Cooking over
An open flame
Let the oak
Flavor marinate
The Cornish
Game Hen
That will be
My lunch
Five things
Even since the social media cleanse, I realize how addicted I’d become. The desire for stuff, and the perfect lives of people had made my depression eat me from the inside out. I still have those desires, but with time I hope it subsides more. I spend less time on my phone, and in the real world. What a blessing.
I actually stare out my window, and wait for today’s story to come to fruition. It’s so different from how I would normally try and craft my narrative.
The pressure I put on myself to be productive was insane. My health is still recovering from my self imposed need to stay busy. Because busy is good apparently.
Birthday is coming up. Don’t know how I will celebrate. I don’t know what I want.
My favorite gift already came. It’s a birthday card from my friend Borqna. My Bulgarian friend knows how to cheer me up while reminding me of my worth.
Have a beautiful day.
Love yourself and one another.
Regine
What are you reading?
Will you will be watching the Olympics?
Any summer vacations?
What are you cooking lately?
What are you baking lately?
I had the first cantaloupe of the season. It was a small one. One I could play catch with. I had to rub it. Feel between the grooves. I lifted it up to my nose and smelled. I couldn’t smell anything. That didn’t stop my joy. I walked to the patch, and my happiness didn’t dim. I felt ease in my soul. Day two of no social media at all has been interesting. I’m immersing myself in letting the land speak to me. Speak it will.
I’m enjoying just feeling free from consumerism and comparison. The more I was on social media, the more I wanted things. I wanted what others had. Right now, I’m taking Hemingway’s cue with my computer and its keys. It’s just us. Nothing else. I don’t know if I will miss the friends I’ve made through Instagram, or if I will return.
I’m returning to my roots. The land is feeding my mind, body and soul right now. Walking to the line in Old Navy flip flops to hang out clothes. Letting the sun be my clothes dryer. Letting the wet grass sink into my toe beds. Smelling the freshly cut grass. Let’s call it eau du jardÃn. I’m taking out the old hula-hoop and taking it for a spin. Never got the hang of it. I still like to twirl it on my arms pretending to be a circus performer. A little chameleon in my own mind.
Letting childhood pleasures take hold. When I started taking life too seriously. Forget how to laugh. My face took on a permanent scowl. I’m not saying I won’t have days where I may feel like I’m missing something, but sometimes God does for us, what we are unable to do for ourselves. My own search for joy in what is already mine not in what is sought.
As my dogs are sacked out on couches with just some morning tunes on, I’m learning several things. I can’t force the process. Writing or otherwise. The words come at unexpected times. Sometimes its at 3 in the morning when sleep is a mirage. Or it is when I’m watching Netflix. Creativity is a not a process. A process that takes time. I’m not very patient. I know it. Known it for years. It’s where God and I come to a head most days. My internal dialogue with Him looks a lot like this:
R: Why again?
G: Child, this is your favorite question.
R: It is. You haven’t answered yet.
G: How many years have we had this chat?
R: Too many
G: You don’t trust me. It’s not a question. Your prayers are the same.
R: I’m just tired of waiting.
G: As long as I have you living, you have all the time in the world.
R: I know, but…
G: But what?
R: The world makes me feel like I’ve wasted time. Time I can’t get back.
G: Time is infinite for me. Nothing is ever wasted. Those years are preparing you for greatness. The world doesn’t determine your worth. I do.
R: I know. It’s hard.
G: You are in the world, but not of this world. I’ve been faithful. Now show me yours.
R: Okay
So folks, this journey is not easy, but I’m on it.
Love yourself and one another.
Regine
The redhead
In a DVF wrap
Strolling the
Upper East Side
In a Chloe satchel
Clutching a coffee
From Ralph’s
While her
Manolo’s clack
Against the sidewalk
At a breakneck pace
That makes me dizzy
Just being the casual
Observer I am
I’m headed
To another borough
To catch
The Bronx Bombers
Show the
Rest of
The American League
How it’s done
Too bad
I reminisce
About
The past
When it
Was the Jeter show
And a closeout
By Mariano
To seal the deal
Spark the flame
Shine the light
Find the joy
Listen for
The quiet
Sign
That you’re
On your way
To fulfill
The promises
That lead
To prominence
Love yourself
For when it’s done
The world
Opens up
To become
The fruit
Of your labor
Nothing is hidden
Nothing is held back
Freedom finds
The slave
Whose bonds
Have been
Released
Riding the horse in the early morning underneath the shadow of the trees, I take in the solace of your silent words. I guide the horse underneath the tree to pluck an apple. One for me and one for my friend. Taking a few moments to pet this divine animal who makes me euphoric. Animals are God’s gifts to us human who make simplicity seem so difficult.
Run wild
And free
My fierce
And regal
Companion
You love
As I caress
Your mane
And rub
Your ears
As you lean
Back
And find delight
In my touch
It’s foggy and drizzling. A perfect reprieve from the heat. Learning about oneself is a brutal task, but necessary.
I’m learning that I love seeking out the birds. I love to see creation soar. Maybe I could learn some lessons from the smallest birds who know that the birdfeeder is always full. They know God will provide through my faithfulness.
I love to see the fish swim around in the pond wild and free. Maybe I could swim wild and free not worrying about the next task that needs to be completed.
I’m learning that the dog wants constant love and affection. It has to be touching me. Maybe I need to be reminded that God will provide that for me if I ask.
What are you learning?
I stare up at a Parisian landscape, and imagine myself there. Until I make it, I will continue to marvel at the scene and think of the person who it belonged to before me. The worldly woman who danced to her own beat. The one who understood to joy of living. Who was a creature of habit. Who ate a bowl of cottage cheese topped with pineapple.
Never stop telling stories. They last beyond lifetimes. I look at their possessions, and imagine what brought them a smile. I’ve never met most of these people, but their not merely names. They come alive in my soul. I can imagine my great-grandmother making her son her favorite meal. The aunt who took each moment to wear pearls or her favorite brooch. I can imagine summer days at the shore dancing to Elvis or Sinatra.
So tell me all the stories. It’s what is remembered. Trust me. I tell my mother each day that these people may be no longer here, but they’re alive in me.
Alive you’ll
Always be
Because of
Your faithfulness
To build
Those I love
Into wonderful
Human beings
Taking a walk on the wild side. An early morning sweat as I walk down the driveway. Worship music flowing as I say not one word. Sometimes being still is being silent. I don’t need to ask anything. Simply be one with what is seen. The gravel moves along with my cadence. The sound as sweet as the music in my ears. I look around and see cut limbs that will dry out and maybe become firewood. I take a look at the trees swaying in the breezes that my hair get brushed by with every move.
I look for the lone rose or the lone weed that shows me both are needed. The rose has its outward. The weed not so much. The weed teaches more than the rose. The weed is resilient no matter how much of a nuisance it is. I’m the weed. I may be told I’m as pretty as the rose, but to live with CP, becoming the weed is imperative.
Being pretty gets me nowhere most days. The exterior is just the door opener. To keep the door open, the feisty weed you must morph into. The truth isn’t so pleasant sometimes. Sometimes you have to be honey, and others vinegar. I don’t like confrontation, but push come to shove, you must return punches. Learning to soar on wings not known to me before. My kindness to you is a gift from above. Don’t take it for granted.
Lord
As you morph me
Into the creation
I’m to be
Let me fierce
When needed
Yet still
Being soft
When necessary
Loving myself
Is the journey
I’m on
And if it
Means
Detaching
Or disconnecting
To be brought
Back to center
It’s late at night. The music is my only partner tonight. Life is what you make it. Finding reasons to smile. Unexpected blessings pop up when nothing is expected. I’ve had to learn that kindness can be exploited and manipulated. Will I stop being kind. No. Will I be more careful to guard my heart. Yes.
Right now I’m just enjoying sitting in darkness. In its presence, I practice stillness.
Pay attention
To your soul
It will speak
When you get
Ready
To listen
Without
Needing
Rebuttal
What is your win for the week?
What is making you smile?
Best recipe you made?
Book you read?
Thing you bought?
It’s a true blessing
To trust God
When everything
Makes no sense
But your calm
Knowing
It’s not
Your job
To figure
It out
Not every day
Is this good
When it is
I just accept
The gift
That it is
Took a little ride around the property. Needed to gaze at the rolling hills and green grass. Nature really clears the thoughts. Feel small sometimes. Let something be bigger. Be present. Be available to wonder.
Listening to Luke
And Morgan
Croon about
Country living
Makes me feel
Alive and well
Because they
Realize the joy
That comes
From living
This reality
Where net worth
Is not a thing
To celebrate
The dirt
Underneath
My toes
Is the gem
The diamond
Carats upon carats
Is covered
In red clay
As I pick the tomatoes off the vine. I swirl them in my hand. I feel its texture. It’s firmness. I examine its bright hue. I look for the sights around me. I listen for the bees. I smell for the flowers. I look for the hose to keep them watered. I seek the things that keep me fed. The grass grounds me to the earth. In your domain what am I?
I’m the apple of your eye
The gelato to the cone
Baseball to the American psyche
The truth is never pleasant
But it frees you
From your own prison
The enslavement
You created
Trying to be
The embodiment
Of perfection
That is an illusion
Because its not
An attainable reality
Love yourself and one another
I had a different post I was going to write. The Lord put on my favorite song, and said no ma’am. I’m taken back to a sermon yesterday taking about being fruitful in the place of your suffering. This one statement has thrown me for a loop. I don’t know what it looks like to be fruitful right now. What I’m realizing is that every ninety days I get a reprieve from my suffering. It lasts for sixty. The next thirty, suffering and I are reacquainted. So right now, I’m on the every day is a gift. I don’t like suffering, but I’m intimately aware of its presence.
Right now, I’m in a holding pattern where I don’t know what comes next. Life is a mystery. I get to unwrap it each day. Each day I wake without pain is hitting the lottery even when I look at my checkbook, and there aren’t many zeroes. I’m honestly convinced my current state is because God wants my undivided attention. I don’t need things. I need Him. I don’t need the world to tell me a sale will complete me.
So right now. Pain free means taking meds, stretch and get on my bike. Sweat and let the world fall away. Your health dictates for you that social media is not your friend. All you find is a fantasy not based in reality. Take a walk later, and say hi to my creatures. Marvel in creation. Go back to basics. I love you.
Love yourself and one another
R
Got a scare this morning. All due to a cricket. I can laugh now. Not much then. I wake up and walk to the kitchen ready to get some joe going, check on last night’s laundry and take out something to thaw for dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary. It must be said I thrive on routine. I’m walking around in my own world for a moment. It takes me a moment for me to fully coherent in the mornings.
As I’m meandering around, I start to hear a sound. A might loud one. I think I must be hearing things or delusional. A few minutes later, the sound is back. I try to disregard it. It goes away. I go off to start the coffee, and hear we go again. I abandon the thought of coffee making. I go around the kitchen in a tizzy. I’m seeking that noise like a honing beacon. I walk in to the laundry room. The washer isn’t on. I check the pantry for a pesky rodent. Thankfully I don’t find one. I check the fridge out of sheer frustration. Maybe rotten cheese is playing tricks on me.
I go to sweep up the house. Farm living means once a week vacuuming doesn’t do the trick. As I’m sweeping the noise is my neighbor. I just give up. I’m on edge. No tea kettle is whistling. And I’m in the process of wondering what is taunting me. My mom then decides to come in the house. I relay this morning’s adventures. I ask her if she knows the origin of this noise.
Without hesitation she says: “my crickets”. Your crickets, I say. She shows me what she has them in, and now I don’t know what to feel. Relief that I’m not going insane. Crazy that a cricket can drive me wild. Mom says I couldn’t let my crickets get hot. Pet parent of the year. Now I laugh. Farm life keeps you grounded while making you laugh.
Enjoy your Sunday, and find the little miracles
