New year

 Lord,

Ending it

As I started

Grateful

That even

As all

My goals

Didn’t get met

I’m alive

To try again

Love yourself and one another. 

prayer

 Quiet joy

Quiet strength 

Abundant hope

Great grace

For the 

New Year

That is

My prayer

today

 Winds blowing

Rain swirling

Your power

Is on display

Today

Love

Lord

Teach me

Regine 

Receive 

Instruction 

Question

 What is the best thing you’ve learned recently?

Jesus

 Good morning 

My friends 

Christmas was great 

Because of Jesus 

And unexpected gifts

Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas 

From 

My heart 

To yours

May I bathe

In the glory 

Of a Savior’s

Birth

done

 Jesus

This Christmas Eve

I await

The birth

That would

Render me speechless 

In a world

Known for confusion

And noisy messes

Thank you

For loving me

And coming

To Earth

To show us

How it’s done

Love

 Lord

Thank you

For teaching me

Being quiet

Is more powerful

Than speaking

Cede the reigns

Because

This year

The lesson

Has been

Don’t doubt

My will

It gets done

And yours

Leads 

To a miserable calamity

For all I want

In the past 

Few days

My body’s ability

To properly function 

Is the gift 

That manages

My physical health

My mental health 

Soars and shines

Without one

The other falters

I will preface this. I am not cured. I’m managed. A privilege not to be taken lightly. Thank you Lord. My desire for the privilege of living is to treasure the temple that is my body. 

Love

 Day of

Rest and reflection

Deep thankfulness

And gratitude 

Lord

Grant me

The discretion

And diplomacy

To love

Be curious

And humble

Myself

And be kind

Radically so

This demonstrates

Who You are

Christians, myself included, I implore you to love, love so well that people start to think the Bible may be a book worth reading, not one meant to judge. 

love

 Thank you for all your well wishes.  I appreciate it. With disability, you are never cured, just managed. And I’m grateful for that blessing. In the past I would not, but acceptance teaches you something. Something that you didn’t want to be taught. So, I rest with the knowledge, of what a privilege that is. I will say it again. Health is the wealth we seek. Without it, I don’t want to imagine. 

Love yourself and one another

Recovery

 Recovering from a procedure. I’m exhausted but grateful. Please treasure your health. I have plenty of thoughts on several things, but right now I’m having to disconnect, and give my body what it needs. To get relief is the best gift. Priceless. The doctor said to me jokingly I might want to rescind my claim of enduring pain the best Christmas gift. I received my Christmas gift early. I will be still for a bit. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Praise

 Lord

I’m privileged 

Please reframe

My mind

See what

You fear

Rather

Than fear

I can praise

Child of God

 Thank you 

Lord 

For 

Those 

Who 

Love me

Without motive

I can’t give 

You much

All I offer 

Is myself 

Reality slaps 

Punches 

And 

I fight

Knowing 

The only

Privilege 

I possess

Is being 

A child 

Of God

You

 Lord

Give me wisdom 

To not 

Argue 

With fellow man

We haven’t learned 

To be civil 

Kind

Or human

And yet

You call

Me to

Greater

Because 

I belong 

To you

reality

 God is working. Yesterday I received some snail mail. Two friends spoke life into me at the right time  I’m not going to share exactly what was said, but my soul smiled. Truly smiled. As if they got me. They may never walk in my shoes, but they had true empathy. As I was rereading their words like a true balm, a salve, I heard a song I’d never heard, and I started to grasp life. 

In 12 to 13 years here, I’m starting to process some thoughts. I may never be renowned, known, famous or rich. I’ve not gotten the fairy tale yet, because some lessons don’t come easy. Billy Graham once said mountaintops are for views, but fruit is grown in the valley. I’m hoping fruit can be grown in me, so I can bear it. 

Maybe my dreams are still that, is that my job right now is to be in uncomfortable places. Growth happens outside of comfort zones. My life was never going to be easy, but a hard slog. When being strong is the only way, you learn to adapt. Silver spoons were never my lot. In the long run, I’m seeing that may be the biggest blessing. 

I’m learning to live with the cards dealt my way. Wholly and fully. If it seems likes I’m sad, I’m sorry. I’m learning to live in a reality that isn’t manufactured to fit a crafted story I want the world to believe. If you need to do that, no judgement.  Reality isn’t pretty. It just is. 

Song of the day. Ben Rector The Richest Man in the World

Love yourself and one another

peace

 Lord

O Lord

Where thine

Peace resides

So may I

Paying

 God is doing retooling in my spirit. I’m chasing my flesh. And I’m in His employ right now. I’m eating crow right now.  Everything I sought this year has been put on the back burner.  Am I happy about it?  No.  I’m learning how painful yet productive the valley can be. The fairy tale hasn’t happened yet. I’m reminded He’s still working. He’s eradicating my need for perfection in myself, in others and the trappings of a world I’m not meant to idolize. And yet somehow still struggle against my flesh. 

I’m reminded that stuff doesn’t equal happiness.  In this season I’m reminded of it daily. My poor soul is learning what it is to be truly rich. A body that is being reworked. A mind under realignment and a soul undergoing reconstruction. 

If you’re looking for perfection, you would find it here. A collection of Hermes or Chanel, sorry. Dripping in diamonds. Nope. I’m just a girl begging her Savior to save her from herself. A girl whose plans got dropped faster than a call in the sticks. 

Honesty is a pill I’m swallowing now because years of pride have me paying prices higher than those at the pump. Learn from me. I don’t know if you want to join me in the valley. 

covered

 Surrounded

By grace

In your words

And deeds

As I’m shown

Everyday

How much

I’m loved

In unexpected ways

I’m covered

By the protection

Provided

Even when

I’m oblivious

To your actions

chained

 Search my heart

Dig in

Root it 

All out

Wash me

Clean me

Leave me

Better than

I was found

Fighting myself

Right now

Lost in

What I want

Knowing that

My wants

Aren’t pure 

And pleasing

Free will

Can set free

Or enslave

And right now

My mind

Is chained

To the 

Very things

I’m trying

To eradicate 

hope

Let me 

Not speak

With malice

Or seek attention 

For doing good

Or look down

On others

If I don’t agree

I’ve no

Story to tell

No angle

To perpetuate

Find you

Have peace

speak

 Speak to me

Through me

And love me

As you

Can do

So well

cozy

 Cozy sweatshirt

Rainy skies

Flying high

On the wings

You provide

pray

 How can I pray for you?

Any praise reports?

Mine

 These past few days 

Showed me

How to love 

People I don’t like

Jesus is working

When I don’t feel it

I wanted to pay back

All the hurt

Then I realized

It wasn’t necessary 

And the only regret

I would have

Would be mine

Restored

 As rain falls

I rest 

Being 

Watered

Cleansed 

And restored 

Sunshine

 Smile

Sunshine 

It’s going 

To be

Alright 

Anxiety

 Anxiety

Is running rampant 

On this brain

And tired

Is an understatement 

Release me

From my

Own thoughts 

soul

Bone chilling cold

Outside my door

Inside

My warm heart

Smiles

Knowing

That my soul

Is being reframed

Retrained

By the love

Provided

Through

People

I’ve never

Met 

Yet admire

Greatly

grace

 Grant me peace

To restrain 

My tongue 

Slow to snap

Filled with

Grateful love

And wonderful mercy

Mine you are

 Each day teaches

If willing 

To pay attention 

And let me

Tell you 

I got to enjoy 

Frivolity

Until reality 

Reminded me

Of its unpleasant aroma

Grateful because 

I got to 

Experience joy

Savor slivers

And remember 

I don’t have billions 

In the bank

Or armies

To defend 

My honor 

Then I step

Back

Look in

The mirror 

And say

Child 

Who needs

Dollars and 

Human praise 

When You 

Say dear girl 

You’re mine

repentance

 Lord

We humans

Need common sense

Humanity

Love

And much more

Coming back

To you

With more clarity

And repentance daily

love

 Love 

It starts

And ends there

Not that

It ever really

Ever ends

pride

 All I can say is thank you for all the prayers. My previous sentiments in a prior post that I just deleted was too angry. I’m having to accept situations and circumstances I don’t like. I’m doing what I detest. I’m doing God’s job. Mighty horribly too. A friend’s comment yesterday reminded me of something so true. I need to be offline more. I no longer know what is true anymore. I don’t know if it’s true, half truth or outright lie. And I don’t want ponder such nonsense that doesn’t improve lives, but furthers a narrative. It’s not just famous folk. It’s every day you and me’s that want to be something we’re not. 

Bringing me

Back to

Earth

Planting me

In humble

Apology

For my haughtiness

And pride

I guess

That sermon

I thought

Didn’t apply

Sure did

It only

Took an 

Angry diatribe 

To realize

the soul

 It may be the biggest shopping day, but I realize something. Only God can give me the desires of my heart. I have two in particular I’m still waiting on. I’m not good at waiting at all, but I know, I KNOW only He can grant me. I will say that it frustrates me yet gives me peace. I’m not saying if He chooses to bless me with physical gifts from others while I wait, I will be happy because to be loved in such a way is  beautiful. Right now, I covet prayers because waiting is not giving me pleasure. I don’t know what to ask you to pray for, because my selfishness would ask for God to give me what I want. And right now, selfishness, jealousy, bitterness in the form of impatience is a wicked combination. Not in a good way. I’m not proud to admit this. I’ve got to admit my sin so I can live in peace, seek forgiveness and be whole. 

Wholeness in Holiness

Dependent Surrender

Is the answer

Yet so hard

It’s a daily process

When did instant gratification 

Become so popular

Yet so destructive 

Smile

 What is making you smile?

Who is making you smile?

day

 On this day

I will 

Give thanks

For what

I have

What I

Don’t 

And for 

All my

Unanswered prayers

Waiting to 

Be uncovered

candied skies

 A few days

Amongst the peaks

Cotton candy 

Colored nights

Bright sunny

Mornings

Bring peace

To my 

Tired soul

Look out

Your window 

I’m here

Ready to

Be your 

Shepherd 

Require

 Rest

And obedience 

Is all you 

Require

Of me

Sheep

 God

Total dependence 

Means surrendering 

Everything 

Doesn’t it

Struggling to 

Trust that 

You can make 

My dreams come true

With a reality 

That keeps 

Punching 

Hard and fast

With relief 

A battle 

I’m wondering 

Whether 

To fight 

Lead me

Like a

Wayward sheep 

Thoughts

 I will never

Understand 

Why 

You 

Gave me 

Something

You don’t 

Plan

To rid me of 

Years ago 

I wrote 

The Blessing 

And The Curse

And right now 

My headspace 

Says the latter

Even if

I know 

I’ve been

Granted

More goodness 

Than I can 

Say

What is so

So big

That the blessing

Is worth the wait

Just trying to

To put 

Into words

What I can’t 

Begin to understand 

Much less explain

Wander

 My life

Is an exercise 

In waiting

Praying 

And praising

Nothing is 

Ever easy

Or clear cut

I need You

To give me

Strength

Not to

Give up

When the road

Splits

Trust me 

You say

When I can’t 

Trust my 

Own self

Every dream

I have

Is one

That takes

Exceptional miracles

To take place

And only

You can 

Make those happen

I throw in towels

Before you 

Can work

I don’t know

Why I’m shocked

Anymore

You make

The impossible 

Look like

A cake walk

And yet

I still doubt

In Your ability

Or maybe

It’s my 

Need to 

Have instant gratification 

Despite repeated 

Biblical passages 

That speak

Of the 

Wayward thinking

That occurs

When my eyes

Wander from yours

Questions

 What is bringing you joy?

Favorite Thanksgiving side?

Have you put up a tree yet?

What’s on your Christmas list?

What are you reading?

Snail mail in my mailbox?

Green bean casserole

Not yet

Postage stamps, Sezane gift card, books and new pens

Rereading old favorites. Any new recommendations 

Great

 Let me

Say this 

Lord

Heal your people 

So much 

Hurt

Anger

And indifference 

Guard my heart 

The company 

Kept

Essential to joy

I’m not happy 

Every day 

But finding 

Gratitude 

Is akin to 

Drawing breath

love

 Sending a hug

As many 

As I can

So many 

Hurt people

Hurting each other 

Out of fear

Of what

Isn’t known

Love yourself and one another 

Stoke

 Lord

Lead me

In your ways 

And remind 

Me that 

I’m not in charge 

Of fixing 

The problem 

I’m just not

To stoke it in

My attempt 

For attention 

Place

 Cold and rainy

Warm drink

And fuzzy slippers

Worship songs

On repeat

As focus

Is directed

In its 

Rightful place. 

air

 Enjoy the sunshine

It’s the natural

Mood booster

Lord

Thank you

Enjoying 

The small things

Begins

With the goodness

That never ceases

To make

The biggest smiles

Appear 

Out of 

Thin air

compassion

 As I start

The day

Center my soul

Where it’s needed

Humbly guide

My sinful nature

To lean

Into goodness

Love and humility 

As your child

Called to greater

Compassion and grace

For those who test

My ability

To display kindness

It seems

That those

Who have it all

Need it most

Love yourself

And one another

Has taken

On a new meaning

For me

divinity

 Love me

Lord

As only

You can

When sufficiency

And peace

Are flailing

And floundering

Upward I look

For if 

Looking down

Collapses my spirit

Faster than sinking ships

On Your day

Restore

To me

The first fruits 

Of Your divinity

positivity

 In the chilled air

I grab the coziest robe

The warmest coffee

And get ready

To greet you

All this morning 

With the love

In my heart 

The joy in 

My soul

And the hope

That only 

Comes from

A relationship 

With the Creator

Positivity 

Takes work

Continued commitment 

To seeking light

And laughter

From the 

Mouths of babes

Goodness and light

 Hold the light

Guard it

Like precious time

Once it dims

It takes awhile

Reigniting

Finding goodness

In everyday

Has become

My new job title

It’s almost

As essential

As taking breath

Is to my survival

In DC I took a little journey to the Botanical Gardens, and I took pleasure in not only admiring each rose, but leaning down and smelling them. Taking the adage literally was the best thing I could do for myself. That week I walked and walked. I took the time to pet every dog, Eat every delicious bite. And shop til I dropped. 

Real life connection is where it’s at right now. Gearing up for Christmas card season. My favorite. 

Love yourself and one another

inside out

 Reveling in refreshment

Rain wash away

Every impure thought

Each false accusation 

And leave me

Cleansed

From the

Inside out

Community

 So kind of you all to check on my mental health. I appreciate it more than you know. I’m dong better. I’m seeking community in real life. The more I limit social media the happier I am. I don’t want curated feeds. I don’t want projected perfection. It makes me crave that feeling more than I should admit. I’m very human in need of a God who guards what’s His. That being said, I added another Instagram account with a working link to the blog for those who want it. I’m being very careful as to who or what I follow. If you want to leave your Instagram handle for me, you can. If not, no problem. 

And it took a stop into a local post office and drug store to make me feel better. Two ladies who took the time to help me, not rush me and told me to take my time. Who gave me their kindness and time. Nothing extraordinary it seemed, but lifted my soul in ways that leaves my soul weeping happy tears. I treasure every good day. Every unexpected moment of joy. Every ounce of love that is in my way to receive. 

Love yourself and one another. 

love

 Planted in love

Grounded in love

Abounding in hope

Rooted peacefully

Knowing

For all

I’ve not

Yet uncovered 

The firmament 

Of Your Word

Never ceases

To leave

My heart

Leaping joyfully

In the knowledge 

That Presence

Precedes

Obedience

offered

 Every time 

I think

I’ve learned

What God 

Wants from

Me again

The reminder

Isn’t subtle

Anymore

He shows me

My disdain 

And utter contempt 

And He raises

The stakes

Ups the ante

And shows

Me where

My faith

Has some

Gaping holes

Grace He gives

He doles out

Hard truth 

Without impunity

He says

Stop looking

To humans

To satisfy

They mean well

But their 

First instinct 

Isn’t your 

Best interest

They will sell

What you most covet

Happiness 

Joy or contentment 

The fact is

Humanity

Can’t provide it

No money

Or person

Can give you

What I have

Your trust is misplaced 

I seek You

I want You

Not for what

Is offered 

But by 

What I hope

To bestow

Upon you

Created in love

Always and forevermore

life

 Life is 

Not fair

At times

Whether

It’s a bad call

In a sporting event

Where it seems

This team 

Gets breaks

More than others

Or marginalized people

Have to fight battles

For centuries 

Because it’s de rigeur

I’m learning 

That some fights

Aren’t mine

And I accept 

Again what

I can’t understand 

Because 

Bitterness

Jealousy 

And anger

Emotions

I can’t afford

To keep 

Any longer

If my desire

Is to live

Peacefully with self

Do I want fame

Fortune

Or a picture perfect

Relationship

For the world’s

Consumption 

God is having

A field day

Breaking down

The walls

While I’d like

This process

To be quick and timely

It is not

Deliberately slow

Feeling every crack

And break

With an archer’s 

Accuracy and precision 

Surrender

It always

Leaves me

Tongue tied

How you teach me

In different ways

The answer

Remains the same

Love yourself and one another

obeyed

In the early morning

Rains

Refreshment found

In watching 

The grass grow

Sipping coffee

In silence 

As I wait

For your words

To lift my soul

Resting 

And realizing

Not every day

Will be great

But with breath

I start again

To be worthy

Of the call

I’ve been given

The call 

I pled 

Not to have

Is the one

I now 

Live out

Please don’t 

Tell Him

What is 

Not desired

That is 

What you

Will be

Asked 

To fulfill

My life

Of service

Starts

With a whisper

That becomes

The undeniable roar

Until obeyed

yes

Christ

My life

Is not 

My own

It is yours

It is You

To whom

My allegiance

Lies

Lead me

In the knowledge 

Of peace

Hope 

And love

peace

 Finding peace

Will only

Come when

I realize

All humans

Are flawed

And fallible

Selling us

A version

 Of themselves 

For profit

Praise

Or whatever

Is sought

The fact is

I’m not

To judge

For whatever 

Is shown

Is yours

To choose

Free will

What a thing

We have

Use it wisely

I don’t have

To like everyone

I don’t 

But as 

I’m reminded

I’m called to love

And that 

Is not 

A negotiable request

kindness

 God

You love

My eccentricity

Where I 

Gravitate

Towards

Nicks and Taylor

No bubblegum pop

Where I keep

Loving those

Who don’t return

The favor

So easy

To hate

What we don’t like

Myself included

Have to let

You rid me

Of my biases 

MLK Jr

Said hate

Was too big

A burden to bear

When will

We learn

You know

My dreams

But right now

You want my soul

Before the world

Crushes it

Glory 

Records

To be remembered 

And yet

Everything 

With time

Is eclipsed

Broken

Waiting

To be conquered 

Cerebral Palsy

Forces me

To live

In reality

One that 

Isn’t pretty

Or forgiving

Yet acceptance

Of the 

Immense privilege 

I have

That you provide

Kindness

In unexpected ways

Love

 Up with 

The roosters

In deep 

Meditative repose

Covered in

The love of

The cross

Man is

No substitute 

For you

Give me

Strength 

To rise 

In confident

Power

Not fearing

What isn’t certain 

Realizing 

I’m not

Called to like

All circumstances

But love

That is 

Another story

You don’t abandon 

Following in

Your instruction

majesty

 Finding peace

In arms

That are

Big enough 

To calm

Every anxiety

Choose hope

Above all else

In the clouds

In majesty’s majesty

I trust

What I 

Can’t understand 

Guide

 Lord

Guide

My heart

And tongue

In loving restraint

island

 I needed to remind myself. It is not conformity or popularity I seek. The cross and the center of His will can be a very lonely place. No man is an island. Thomas Merton you had it right. The island is where I find myself. Trying to guard my heart. My tongue. I surrender every day. Praying it sticks. 

Learning to 

Not repay 

Disrespect 

With the

The like

Living out

The commandments

Gets harder 

By the day

The entitlement 

Of man

Seems to increase

With each dollar

Of added wealth

A wrong

Multiplied

By another

Whether justified

Leaves one

No better

Than the perpetrator 

Love me enough 

To give it

Away freely

Amen

 No TV

For a week 

And limited 

Social presence 

Made me

Content 

More

Than

I’d like 

To admit 

Engaging 

With everyday humans 

Not inflated thoughts 

And hubris 

Seven days 

Is all

It takes 

For you

Lord

@rkrsrue

 In an effort to grow, I’ve added an Instagram page devoted to the blog. It’s @rkrsrue. Thank you. I’m learning as I go. Thank you for your patience. I’m learning not all change is bad. 

DC

 I’m home. Grateful and blessed for a week that taught me what strength is. I was in Washington, DC to see a friend. I walked and walked. I shopped. I ate so much good food. Let me tell you what I found. God gave me a peace I can’t explain. From the beginning to its conclusion today. I was in Nordstrom being prayed over. It was one of the most poignant moments I’ve had. The TSA screener offering me a hug. The grace given in the metro for me to find a seat. I was given mercy and love. The only thing I did was be myself. That was enough. 

I’ve spent a lifetime apologizing for how God made me, and this week I was asked to stop. Stop apologizing. Stop making myself small to make others feel their own humanity. I wasn’t asked to speed up. I was asked to just be me. I realize that is what I ask of you. Be yourself.

I’ve spoken multiple languages. I’ve greeted all I meet. I pet every dog I could. What I want to do is thank God for doing what I couldn’t do. I truly believe people can tell if your heart is pure. Most times I didn’t need to ask. It was offered. God will meet you where you are. This is what surrender looks like. And it’s a wonderful thought. 

Love yourself and one another

Love

 In your Presence 

I’m wholly found 

Love

That’s what 

You are

Speak

 Lord

In all your splendor 

Speak 

On my heart 

Open my mind 

Lean not 

On my own understanding 

Birthday

 It’s the blog’s birthday. God, you are so faithful to continue to give me words to say, and ears to listen. Grateful. 

❤️

 Lord

Let me

Love 

Like it’s 

My job 

Shine

 Be the light

For in darkness 

Shine for

All to know 

That Christ 

Is alive 

And welcome here

OOF

 Out of office. Love you all. When you stop looking. You will find. Much to share. 

shadow

 In the shadow

Of resilience 

Change

Like the hue

Of the leaves

Gives me hope

Enough to 

Chase the 

Pot of gold

At the end

Of your rainbow

The colors 

Of grace

Illuminate the soul

Of this weary 

Wee lad

And bring

The countenance

Looking for

The bright beginning

faith

Leave my anxiety 

At the door

And give me 

Faith

To trust

Everything 

Will be alright

Fashion and candy corn

Fashion magazines

And candy corn 

Sounds like

A good day 

To me

Enjoy

The small things

They become

Your joy

Grace

 I saw something that said “Maturity is moving beyond being the recipient of grace to being responsible for extending it”

Yesterday I had a medical procedure that is usually routine. Yesterday not so much. It was an experience I don’t want to relive. All I can say is God gave me a strength I’ve not known in a long time. And in all my years, I’ve never cried or had the desire to curse out a medical professional. If you’re guessing what I’m about to say. You know. 

Yesterday, I did things I thought I’d never do. You do them when you have no other choice. If you’re wondering I did not utter curse words. I was to busy trying to not think about the pain. I’m grateful that I could endure it. And I’m grateful for a mother who spoke up when I couldn’t. 

Love yourself and one another

real

 To the Word

Clinging

To the robe

That holds

Hopeful power

And providence

May I hold on

And find

That hope

Like the 

Well 

Never ceases providing

A productive and peaceful 

Life

Where abundance

Is real

Not a mirage

To be wished upon

letting go

 The sun

Rises

From beyond

The trees

A glimpse of 

Untouched beauty

For in creation

Our unique character 

Shines

Unblemished by 

Human hands

For as much

As we try

Our hands

Only work well

At the direction

Of our Father’s

Love yourself and one another

denominator

 Grateful for

The Bama belle

Who surprises

Me with

The best encouragement 

The marshmallow

In the s’more 

The softness

To balance

The gruff exterior 

Of my hardened heart

Find a friend

Who is the Wal-Mart

To your designer

In that polar opposite

You find your friendship

Denominator

milan

 Dreaming of

A Milanese adventure 

Days spent 

Marveling 

At architecture 

Perusing

The best fashion

And eating

My weight

In pasta

And gelato

Truth

 Thinking on 

Good and noble 

Pursuits

To anchor me

In the present

And not 

Let my anxiety 

Run wild

I’m on

The spin cycle

With no end

In sight 

My rational state

Has been obliterated 

weak

 Rid me

Of my need

My desire

My wants

Borne of 

Of fear

When will

It end

My scared soul

Is my faith

So weak

That mustard seed

Seems insurmountable 

But with 

Your love

Restore me

To the joy

Only You

Provide

Love yourself and one another

Apple

 Carrots

And apples

For my equine 

Friend

Who just

Gave me

A ride 

Worthy

Of a thoroughbred 

Gave me 

An adrenaline rush

An endorphin kick

To rival 

Any workout

Now

He’s back

In his stall

Getting a cool down

And kisses

For God’s creatures

Can provide

The best therapy

For my rattled worldview 

A simple Saturday morning 

Spent with creation

Reviving a heart

That needed

Sweet surrender

And a hope

That isn’t measured

In treasures 

That rust

And rot

Over time

run

 Lead me

Where 

You want

Me to be

Water me

With love

And never

Leave me

Even when

I try 

Flee

Flight risk

I am

Even if

I come

Running back

chocolate chip cookie

 Letting the 

Sweet sun

Give me 

The biggest hug

As I ate

The most

Decadent 

Chocolate chip cookie

Is the meaning

Of a enjoying

A moment

You never

Would have 

Savored before

But now

The melted goodness

Makes life

A palatable pleasure

The one thing

 You allow me

To reap goodness

As I sit here

Upon grateful tears

You’re asking 

For a trust

I’ve never given

Didn’t know

If I had it

Surrender 

Turns out

It is available 

If I relinquish 

The one thing

I’ve wanted

But never had

Control

days

 Hermes scarf

Yankees ball cap 

Jeans

Braces

And muddy Nikes 

The outfit 

Of the day

Trying to add

A little whimsy

To my reality

Cooler temperatures

Have me reaching

For that shredded

Martha’s Vineyard

Sweatshirt

I can’t seem

To part with

It brings

The memory

To life

Three years later

Letting gratitude flow

Blessed to see

The wild world

Created for 

Enjoying

Savoring

And preserving

Relishing the day

For what it is

Not for selfish

Desires

holler

 In the hollers

Deep in

Those peaks

Finding faith

In the oasis

Of hope

On which

Survival is hinged

When the 

Only hope

Is in

The Father

Son

And Holy Ghost

luxuries

 In the quiet 

Of this early morning 

Feeling peace

The fan

Going round

Is not

To be taken

For granted again

Staring upward

Grateful 

Because

Simple pleasures

Have become

True luxuries

stud

 Listening to church this morning I heard something that’s shaken my soul. God doesn’t change our circumstances. We change amidst them. I’ve never heard something so simple, yet for me so truthful. In seven days, God in His glory upended my worldview. Upended everything I believed. 

Torn down

To studs

And shown

Love

That comes

When searching 

Is too tiring

Your work

Begins

When I

Stop seeking

Love yourself and one another

burberry

 In the cool 

Breezes 

My soul reclines

In sweet 

Soliloquies 

Burberry trench

Hunter boots

And leaves

Changing to 

Hues of orange

And bright reds

Bring to mind

Memories

Of a New England

Escape 

Full of coffee

And cannolis 

Moi

 Things are returning to normal here. What has not returned to normal is me. Therapy is ongoing, but folks, it takes time. I don’t know what is happening, but I’m coming up for air slowly. Gratitude and grief mix in a beautiful serenade. I hardened my heart, but it’s being softened again. Just because the world is cruel or unfair doesn’t give me permission to do the same. As one of you had to remind me, I no longer hide my pain, but others do by projecting joy to the outside world. And that is their choice. 

On behalf of myself, I thank you for being a sounding board. A safe place. The true measure of wealth is receiving love when nothing of value can be returned. 

I will recover. It’s just not on my timetable. I love you. 

unknown

The unknown

Where I reside

Is not a place

To fear

But find strength 

Within the confines

Of my knowledge 

Love

Where it starts

Growing in

Tough conditions 

And refined

In fiery reminders

le mains

 In the woods

Dodging leaves

Branches

And limbs

Reminded

Of fragility

In strength 

Brutality

Followed

By eery calm

The roar

Of force

Is quieted

By the word

Commanding presence

In distress

Even more so 

In peaceful silence

Surrendering 

Humbling

Humanity

With each 

Sway of

Upward held

Hands

wholly

 Lord

Restore

This vessel

As fit

For the Kingdom’s

Holiness

And reverent

Adoration

Make me

Worthy

Of the calling

Yours

Yours

To declare

Fully and

Wholly

Received

 Walking in grace

Coddled by mercy

As transformation

From reckless sinner

To redeemed child

Commences

Perfectly broken

For your use

Go to work

Lord

And find me

Radically upended

In love

Not understood

Just received

love

 I’m raw. Trust me, I’m aware. I no longer ask why. Or am getting better at not going down that trail of disaster. I’m functioning on reserves of the well. Surrender happens when you no longer know what to seek. When the only thing you seek is the Face. Meet me eye to eye. Search my tears. Search my fears. Rid me of my bitterness and jealousy. Rid me of the need to know. 

God is the only One who can answer my soul. The mass delusion of the world. Thanks friend. Thanks friend for reminding me that we idolize celebrities and others who lives appear perfect. The happiest relationships. The money to not worry about anything. God is stripping me of false idols. The more I see, the more I need to disconnect.  Be happy and prosper. I’m finding that nothing is satisfying my soul. 

In seven days, I’ve been stripped bare. I’ve not been able to accept that you could love me as well as you do. But, you, are faithful in your love for me. And it’s your love keeping me afloat. You give me all of yourselves. Thank you friends. 

What I need

Manna from Heaven

Is your love

For this 

Sinner

Neighbor

 Lord

O my soul

Feet to fire

Under my bum

Can’t wait

For the world

To save you

It left you hanging

Letting the truth

Do the talking

Better love 

Thy neighbor 

Takes on

New meaning

We country folks

Getting it done

One mule

One horse

And a scruffy mutt

fire ants

 Some thoughts

In the five stages of grief. Don’t know how long this lasts. Those who don’t have empathy have lost me. I’m trying not to judge, it’s hard. I can’t watch news or the latest gossip. It just makes me mad. Don’t know what is says about me. In the past week, I’ve had the chance to see my unsavory ways. If I post something light, it’s not that I don’t care. I just need to dream again. I need to believe in goodness again. I’m not able to write without crying. My tears are watering the Earth right now. 

God

A blubbering mess

Who still

Dreams

Of walking

The rues

And carrying

The wares

Of Coco

Are in 

Stark contrast

To fire ants

Green grass

And southern drawls

Yes

 May you

Caress me

Like the 

Softest

Sweetest

Silk

Warm me

With crushed velvet

And hold me

In perfect peace

Her

 Lord,

My mountain home

In tatters

Only You

Can deliver her

Attention

She needs

Yet receives

Not

She’s the workhorse

The soul

Not the glamorous star

We want the flash

Forgetting the backbone

It’s those hills

That hug me

And love me

Like no other

Long read

 I’m okay physically. Mentally, I’m coming out of survival mode. I woke up last night reaching for a flashlight I no longer need. I rode to town yesterday, and as I looked around, how I have power and water is a miracle. I open up to write and tears flow. Tears of relief and guilt mix. I asked my therapist how long this would last. Her guess. A while. I prayed for one week for power, and one the seventh day, He delivered.  Honestly, I doubted after day two, but God was showing me something. I’m strong. You do things you never thought you would. 

I got rid of so many undergarments. Please don’t think going to the bathroom outdoors is an easy task for everyone. My pride had to go. Doing laundry by hand is exercise. The washing machine is a luxury. I know now why on the seventh day rest is commanded. 

I have power and water. Gratitude holds new meaning. I will continue writing, I don’t know how it will look. 

Grace 

What 

I need

As I move forward

Not forgetting

That suffering

Happens every day

Yet we persist

My life

Not my own

Anymore

Dreaming of 

Exotic places

And wild spaces

Yet knowing

The next steps

Will require

Courage

Navigating

Silver spooned

Blue blooded

Nature doesn’t discriminate 

Until the fire 

Refines you

Compassion

Is not a given

When the 

Trials of humanity

Come to the door

Yours

Do you 

Give freely

Willingly

And without pretense

What seven days

Shows

Is change happens

Even as our

Eyes are 

Wide open 

Gratefulness

And grief

Intertwine

Positivity

Meets reality

In a delicate dance

I never wanted

To partake in

world

 In my reality

The dream

Still lives

Even as

My sensitivity

Is heightened 

To the plight of

Others

You all 

Told me

Change was hard

Didn’t listen

Naïveté is gone

But hope

Is the constant

Must now

Be a light

In my own

World

wind

 The rains came

Didn’t stop

Wind snapped trees

Like paper clips

Rubber banded

And coiled

Tighter than

This girl’s 

Anxiety

What would follow

Is seven days

Without power

And a psyche

Seeking a lifeline

Life

 I don’t know how I will write going forward. I’m not the same. I read and reread your words as they were a lifeline. Helene which is my mother’s name by the way, fundamentally altered me. When I asked God to go give me a story, this is not what I had in mind. 

One of you told me what I want didn’t matter, and over the past seven days I’ve done what I thought impossible. I hope to be able to put into words what God can do in seven days, but for right now, I leave you with this. 

Please continue to love, be hopeful and trust. 

Thank you for pouring into a vessel flailing in uncertainty. 

Hallelujah

 Power is back. 

Okay

 I’m okay. Honestly I’m trying to stay grateful. I’m trying to stay hopeful. I can’t never thank you enough enough. Love you

Peace

 Thy peace 

Be with me

As I navigate 

The unknown path 

I currently 

See

Yes

 I have to get back to writing. My anxiety feels like a merry go round. I’m trying to fix things I can’t control. Loss of a flushable toilet is my biggest concern.  I’ve ruined more clothes than I know. Disability people get it. Anything you send me is much appreciated, but if you’re able send gifts to people who need it. You’re boosting my mental state, but you could help someone not go hungry. 

Love you. 

3 am

 I haven’t wanted to post. I never thought I’d cry at the loss of power and water. Yesterday was not pretty. Got up at 3:30 am in search of water and fuel. It was found. You’d thought I’d won the lottery. 

Never thought I would use a tree as a restroom. Collect rainwater for a quick bath. Thank God to use sparkling water to brush teeth. Watermelon and mint. Not recommended. 

A few hours from me is Western North Carolina. A place where my soul find rest is destroyed. 

Nature can be brutal yet beautiful at the same time. 

I’m doing well. I just feel very primitive and isolated right now, even when I know I’m not alone. Very blessed still. 

It’s hard to comment on cell phone. I’m sorry. 

Pray. Or do as you feel like you need to do. 

Grateful

Grateful after a rough day yesterday. 

Need book recommendations to keep my mind busy. 

Love you all

Update

 Quick update. No power or water. Holding on. Trying to keep calm. Thankful. Just in a waiting pattern. 

Honestly. Have so much. Yet still so exhausted 

Starry sun

 Strolling yesterday

Muscles loosened

Mind free

Let the sun

Warm

The toes

To the head

Walk into 

The shop

Surprised by

A smile

Of someone

I haven’t seen

In years

And the love

On their face

As we greeted

Each other

Was a wonderful surprise 

Orchestrated by

The Father

Of Heaven

And Earth

When the day

Isn’t structured 

The Star

Isn’t obstructed

By unnecessary 

Noise

Needed

 Praying

In the shower

It’s where

No distractions

Exist

Just the 

Scent of cucumbers

And the need

To expel

Negativity

And sing

Some John Denver

Picturing those

Country roads

That bring peace

Because they’re 

Rarely used

Or traveled

Loving the silence

I detested

For years

Until what 

Needed

Is more imperative

Than what 

Is desired

Supremacy

 In my own strength

Laughing out loud

Coming back

To trust

When will

Full surrender

Last more

Than a few minutes

Lord

This child

Needs

Constant reminders

Of who

You are

And what

You do

Control

And surrender

Can’t be

Battling

For supremacy

Path

 Change

Inevitable

Yet 

Welcome

Without it

No improvement

Is ever sought

Or made

And that

Is truly

Sadness

Meeting 

Reality

Pray without ceasing

Move with discomfort

Align with grace

Be merciful

To those

Who grace

Your path

Prayer

 Prayer requests and praise reports?

Please pray for a friend who got a diagnosis she wasn’t expecting. Thank you. 

Heart

 Fighting the fear

Each 

And every day

Lord

Hold me

Don’t release

Me

Tethered

To the

Garment

Coming up

For breath

Lift my head

My feet

Stumble not

When You

Are the 

Head of

My heart

Rest

 Rest 

Recovering

Sore

But loosening

Health

The wealth

That never ends

If I don’t get to you all today, I’m sorry. 

Love yourself and one another

Point

 Be brave 

Fear ceases

At the 

Point 

Of Faith

Find

Seek

Receive 

Father’s palm

 On that school bus

Years gone by

Began 

The search

For You

Scared

But knew

Strength

Was not

In my grasp

So I silently

Relented

Big yellow

Let me

To the steeples

And spires

Now it 

Isn’t the steeples

That keep me

Running

Back into

That strength

Fear brings

Me back

Your love

Keeps me

Firmly rooted

Planted in soil

Richly protected

Holy water

At hand

In the Father’s palm

Knees

 On bowed knees

Praying 

That 

What 

Isn’t 

Verbalized 

Is still

Heard

By the 

Father 

As the

Ocean 

Roars

Tosses

Me around 

Like measly 

Seaweed

Swallowing 

Bitter water

Gasping 

For air

As choking 

Up lungs

Is commonplace 

Lord 

Walk on

Water

Declare 

Rise up child

Ye of little faith 

The Savior’s here

How

 I was asked recently a question that has me thinking. Would I swap one disability for another. Would I rather have my mind, and suffer physically or reverse it. I don’t know if theirs is a comparison to be made. 

I don’t know if there is a right answer. And for once. I’m glad I don’t have to make the choice. I just pray that He holds me together as I struggle with trusting the will of God. 

With each day I live I worry what my future looks like. Will I survive the doubt?  The fear?  Do I trust?  Disability strips you of certainty. It can sink confidence faster than icebergs. Disability as a child is a fantasy compared to the reality I am facing. 

Full dependence on God is something I always feared. We’re taught self-reliance. I’ve never really known that concept. Truth sets us free. I know it. But, do I trust what I do know. The question. The question is this. I now ask is no longer why. The question is how?

Freesias

 In a garden

Of daisies

Tulips

And freesias

A pink

Sundress

Accompanied

By a soft pashmina

Where dainty

Ballet flats

Are muddied

Because

The desire

To become

One with

The flowers

Supersedes

Any notion

Of propriety

Peace

 In the quiet

Let me 

Be present

In the Presence

That brings peace

Peace

Coffee and music

Are my companions 

This rainy morning

Thankful that 

Life is beautiful 

With my family

Joyous 

And peace

Is within

Cape days

 Thinking back

On travel

From years

Gone by

The seaside days

Savoring buttered 

Lobster

And red potatoes

Hydrangeas

In pinks

Purples

And the lightest

Sky blues

Striped swimwear

Linen coverups

Barefooted

Sandy

And sated

In summer sun

Cape days

The soul aglow

In natural bliss

Set off 

By the scent

Of Hawaiian Tropic

Will

 Chit chatting 

As I sip

An iced coffee

While enjoying

Crisp air

I take 

A moment

To say

Thank you

Hoping

To never forget

The small things

Being able

To walk up

A flight

Of stairs

Without 

Being breathless

Enjoying the 

Feeling of freedom

That my muscles

Allow me

Thank you Lord. For as much as I whine, my body holds. Yes I need more rest right row, but that is more than a blessing. I still detest my total dependence on You many days. I realize its where I’m meant to be. And I’m learning. I’m learning I’m no match for Your Omnipresence 

Acceptance

 Solemnity

Solidarity

Remembrance

Determination

To be

Better

Than 

You 

Found 

Us

Time

Doesn’t 

Heal

All 

Wounds

Adaptation

Is learned

With a reality

We can’t fathom

Yet are forced

To accept

Diamond delight

 Pink stripes 

Diamonds

Hugging 

The collarbone 

As the sun

Sets on 

Another day 

As I praise

For worth

Is not

In adornment 

It is

In 

Beauty

That eclipses

Those precious 

Stones

Refined

From Earth 

To the 

Finished product 

That makes

Most women 

Squeal 

In delight 

Once the

Gift

Is opened

From that 

Red box

Hope

 Thank you

Lord

For doing 

What 

I couldn’t do

And giving me 

Hope

I never wanted to write like this. I never found myself that interesting. I’m just me. I’m someone so flawed. I felt that my shame was beyond sharing. I’m no celebrity. I wield no power. No billions to my name. Could a poor sinner with a list of daily grievances do it. Make it writing each day with no idea what to say each day?  I know now it’s possible. In those early days, I was a lost little girl with no faith in much of anything, yet alone myself. I’ve lost count of the years, but this place has given me something I can’t pay back in dollars. Has writing cured me?  No, but I’m different because each day you humble me. Humble me with your love. 

I still need therapy and medication. Cerebral Palsy is unrelenting on my body and mind. As I’m privileged to age, I recognize what I need versus what I want. All this to say is that this community has helped save me from my own negative thoughts. Thank you. 

If you would please pray for Mix and Match Mama. Check out her blog post if you’re so inclined to read and pray. Thank you. 

Providence

 As steps

Are shadowed

In sand

Figured

In wholeness

Presence

Allowed

To prosper

Purposefully

Known

No agenda

Simply

To stand

In reverence

Of nature’s

Providence

Smiling in raindrops

 Taking it back

To jumping 

In mud puddles

Pigtails

Swinging round

In colored

Rubber bands

As my giggles

Can be heard

Round the block

Recruiting

Others

To join

In the joy

Of pleasure

Derived

From

A five minute

Thunderstorm

Ears

In my stillness

Speak

Open up

All of me

Receptive ears

Await the voice

That supersedes 

The rest

Wrap

 Wrap me

In the arms

That never 

Cease to love

And comfort

My anxious ways

Let me find

My peace

In the place

That never fails

Or abandons ship

When the seas

Want their say

Offering

 In the dark 

Resting in

The knowledge 

That the whole world 

May celebrate 

One soul

But You

Only ask 

That my

Soul

Only answer 

To the One 

Who gives 

Healing 

Acceptance 

And love 

To a heart

Who’s delight

Is kept

In arms

More capable 

To hold me

Until the 

Storms 

Of life

Quell

Or I’m willing 

To confront 

A reality

That requires 

A strength 

I don’t want 

To face

But must

Trust 

Even if

Understanding 

Is not 

In the offing

Exhalation

 Shoes on the rock

Towel too

Jumping off

Diving in

To the 

Cold waters

Plunging

Into natural bliss

As surfacing

Is second nature

Doggie paddling

As breath is caught

And a deep exhalation

Is taken in gratitude

Life and joy

Mix in

The depths

Of creation’s majesty

Picturing the scene

This morning

As rest

Is on the docket

This beautiful

Thursday

Love

 Walking along

In a clarity

Only found

When my

Surroundings

Became the

Focal point

The pink flowers

To marvel

The greenery

To admire

The temps

Mine to satisfy

The longing

For the new

As I look

Back only

So that

The present 

Can be relished

Sometimes

Being surprised

Is the gift

Whose return

Is everlasting 

In its attempt

To be

The lesson

We remember

When days

Seem to ask

More questions

Than necessary

A sweet lady’s

Colorful dress

Prompted an

Encounter

That has

His fingerprints

Everywhere

Maybe the answer

Isn’t meant

To be known

As I saw 

Somewhere

And my mind

Went spinning

Faster than

Legs

On a peloton

He uses 

What I may

Not like

To help 

Me see

The mission

The mission

Lovelies

To love

Love well

No proselytizing 

The Savior

Is alive 

And kicking

In the being

Of one

Regine

Talia

Karpel

That

Is the

Meaning of life

Again

 What are 

You showing

Me today

I’m worthy

No need

To put 

Up a front

Or a mask

To make

Myself more

Palatable to take

Going to 

The creek

Just to 

Hear my

Little waterfall

Slowly empty

Again and again

Little miracles

Make the 

Big ones 

Possible

Loving

 Some things I’m loving

Sunscreen with a scent that reminds me of childhood

Upcoming thoughts of NC apples. 

Snail mail

Reminding myself some writing hits and some misses. Keep at it. 

Limiting social media

Cozy pjs

Not loving

That I fight doubt every day

Prayer requests and praises?

Whiskey

 Drinking whisky

No tumblers

The bottle

And I

Are

One tonight 

Drowning 

Our worries

Til morning

When the real

Work begins 

Seeking atonement 

For our 

Wayward ways

And misguided 

Perceptions 

Of reality

Loving God

 What feeds your mind

Frees or enslaves

Pick wisely

Choosing quiet

This morning

Enjoying a 

Buttered English muffin

And a medium roast brew

As I stare out

At the grass

Still lush 

And green

Not rushing

The seasons

Letting them

Be the compass

Of my 

Own self 

Soul listen

Heart align

As the guiding force

Known as 

The deity

I serve

Comes 

To cup my cheeks

With a sweet

Acknowledgment 

Of Presence

Revelry

 Taking a walk

Down the gravel road

Off to the mailbox

Checking to see

If I have 

Wonderful surprises

Ahead of me

Taking simplicity

Making it

Extraordinarily joyful

Because in all travels

The memories made

Are ordinary interactions

In everyday spaces

In the backdrop

Of the magnificent

Cathedral

Is the Father

Asking if 

Anything is needed

On my end

As I dream

Of wild surf

Crashing against

The cliffs

With a chilled air

I realized

I’m humming

Yellow Submarine

On a cloudless

September evening

Full of 

Anticipatory revelry

Mine

 Let my heart

Not be shattered

By the weight

Of my own

Doubt

The best 

Surprises

Take time

And yet

Here I am

Struggling

To be happy

In the wait

I don’t want

To question

I know 

Great is

On the way

I just can’t comprehend

The timing

Lord

You know

What I want

Is it that grand

That the ground

Would shake

And tremble

With the magnitude

Of its blessing

Would you pray

For me

I want to rejoice

In others good fortune

Until mine comes

Hug

 When I see 

You

Smiles

Erupt

For the heart

Has finally

The reason

The organ beats

The sun that shines

The reel

That keeps spinning

And the joy

That doesn’t 

Go out 

Under pressure

The arms

That circle

Mine

In an embrace

That goes

On and on

Because

Being burrowed

In warmth

Is an ecstasy

Where parting

Is sweet sorrow

Mixed with

Pure agony

Provides

 I never thought God would change me. After reading your recent comments, I realized that the change has been so subtle, I’ve not recognized it. I’m kind of glad I didn’t know until now. I would have fought Him. I just didn’t know He was working. And that’s the biggest blessing. I always wonder if I will run out of things to say, it hasn’t happened yet. I’m grateful. I’m grateful He still finds me a viable vessel. 

You gave me the best morale boost telling me I’d be missed if I stopped writing and sharing with you publicly. I used to want to hide. Now, I see that hiding left me to loneliness and despair. I think I continue because the community here affirms my talent, my worth, my humanity. 

There is a lot I don’t know. I just feel I will continue as long as I’m meant to do it. I’m the richest poor person because you love me so well. I never knew people could and would love a person like me. So flawed. A person who needs help daily. And yet through you, He provides. 

What He sees in me I will never know or understand. I love you all. Thank you for being the love of Jesus. It doesn’t matter what you believe. He brings you to me every day. And every day, it’s a blessing I hope to never take for granted. 

A mule and a dog

 Good morning. 

I saw a post on Instagram that asked would you still write if no one ever read your work. When I was younger I would immediately say yes. Now, I’m not so sure. Honesty here. You reading my words here makes me feel loved, hopeful and just so happy. If God asked me to continue without the audience, than the answer might be different. Right now, I’m glad I don’t have to choose. It’s ironic over a decade ago, I didn’t want my work to be available consumption. How times have changed. Never thought I would change. I’m a stubborn mule. 

Write

What you know

That a dog

Can be taught

New tricks

With much prodding

Denarii

 Let me

Find joy

In the circumstance

For in brokenness

Your Power

Is made real

Not a 

Talking point

For intellectual debate

Mon Dieu

T’aime

Tres fort

For what

You give

Is something

More glorious 

Than denarii

Mes amis

 Strolling the 

Lavender fields

Humming a 

French tune

As I imagine

Myself in

Valensole

Mais oui

Mes Amis

Pony

 The bucking bronc

Flies me around

The arena

Faster

Than he

Was let

Out of

The Shute

Brass buckled

Wrangler

Laced in mud

And manure

Now the scent

That permeates

The hair

That was so 

Coiffed and pretty

Now looks

Like a stiff wind

Shook it up

More than

Than that

Alcohol

In the 

Martini shaker

I’m well shaken

Not stirred

Mr. Bond

Not that 

I ever was 

A show pony

With pedigree

More mustang

Than thoroughbred

My breeding stock

Reads like

A serving of 

Pickled herring

And the 

Cheapest vodka

Found

Quiet

 Give me strength

To follow

The path

The steady

Sturdy

One

The flashy

Opulence

Not needed

Just a quiet

Resolve and desire

To do right

Love fiercely

Walk humbly

Until the dreams

In the center

Of the chest

Are outward manifestations

Of Your love

Allegiance

 In the shadow

Of the mount

I find my footing

The foundation

Of faith

Of love

Of the hope

That is ever present

In the children

Who profess

Allegiance

And fidelity

To the One

Who sustains

Never refraining

From checking

Our hearts

At the door

Of who

We’re 

Called to be

Here and now

 Lord,

You never said growth would be easy. You never said acceptance would be easy. You never said joy would be easy. Not of it is. Acceptance is a daily process. A daily practice. I’m grateful for a lot in this life, but I’m just acknowledging the reality I face everyday. And it’s a great reality most days, but some days I just need a little more grace. I know there is a reason for everything, it’s just hard to swallow sometimes. So right now, I’m grateful that I can be real, real honest and say that the highlight of my day is to wake up chat with God, friends, write and exercise to alleviate what ails me. I don’t need sympathy. I just need to get it out. I used to put my sorrows in the mason jar, but it didn’t serve me. I used to bottle it up waiting for it to detonate. I don’t have that luxury. 

Working on self takes time. I’m doing the work, but sometimes we hit the triggers that bring up hard truths. Hiding from them doesn’t serve me. So, I’m not hiding them. If the world serves perfection on a platter, I’m running the other way. Don’t lie. Even the richest man has issues, they just have nicer toys to play with. 

So right now, I’m going to curl up with a good book, and get lost in a story, while thinking of my own to tell. 

Love you

Fill me up

 Fill me up

So I don’t 

Desire 

What depletes

And empties

My soul

Love

Even when

You wonder

Why

Why

Has left 

More men

In despair

And questioning

What is

Not to 

Be understood

Just trusted

❤️

Tell me 

What is

Making 

You smile

Lord

Common sense

Logic

And kindness 

Have left

Humanity 

Spare coins

 Where your heart is

Tells me 

Where your

Mouth meets

Love of money

Root of 

All evil

But what

Comes off

My tongue

Will destroy

With the ferocity

Of a wildfire

Left untamed

Lord

Let me love

How you demand

Not based

On what

Is deserved

At the gates

I need the Trinity

That those

Words in red

Were met

With acts

Of service

Not just

Spare coins

Left in

The collection

Plate

Truth and trust

 I never knew how much God would move when I took my hands off the wheel. I don’t drive the car. Not that I ever did. Being still is one the best things I’ve ever done. It’s one of the most trying. To turn off the brain takes work. I started being present in the everyday. Not in the fantasy. As to quote someone quite famous “I’m doing something” in being silent to a still, small voice. 

I listened to a sermon Sunday that got me wondering when I stopped following this knowledge so simple yet revolutionary.”Faith is just an idea until we take a risk and act on it”. This one statement has shifted something so fundamental in me. When did I get so scared?  When did I let the world define my value?  When did I start to doubt the I AM that is God. 

God is using people to minister to me. I’m learning not to get defensive to constructive criticism. If its being given freely. It’s because success is seen where failure is my default. Let people speak into you. I’m getting daily and weekly pep talks from whomever is placed in the path. 

I was reminded of something so foundational. I’ve been given a gift. I need to share it. I need to be brave. I need to show the world and the disabled community what is possible. What is attainable. Worthy of love. Worthy of hope. Worthy of help. We all need help. If you don’t now, be grateful. I’m independent to a point, but wholly dependent on the Grace of God. 

Could I touch the robe?  Be healed because of my faith as the pastored said?  Yes. I don’t believe that is my lot. Romans 12:12 is where my heart is. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”  I haven’t done any of this. I’ve demanded God grant me three wishes like a genie. My prayer life looks like a to-do list. Joyful. I don’t know what that is. Patient in affliction. That is laughable, if it were funny. I’m patient in nothing. Waiting more than two minutes to check out in a department store makes me want to drop potential purchases in random places, and run for the exits. I wish I were joking. I’m not. I was so proud of myself for using self-checkout in Wal-Mart yesterday, and not getting deterred when the item wouldn’t scan. 

If you’re going to say you understand me, or to give myself grace, I appreciate your great love and grace for me. I also know I need tough love. I need what I don’t want. I won’t grow if as my great friend Rowena told me:  “Pretty lies might be nice, but they get you nowhere”. I have somewhere to go. I don’t know where exactly. When much is given, much is required. Maybe you can quote the verse in its entirety, but I hope the picture is getting clearer. 

I’m on a mission to display what God can do with broken people. People the world doesn’t consider to hold much value. Do I think I change the world. No. I know who I’m not. Millions don’t chant my name or know me by my first name alone. And, that is okay. More than okay. I love you all because you love me regardless of my ability to give you anything in return. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Questions

 What are you reading?

What are you eating?

What are you baking?

Lord

 Lord

Take my fear

Use it

Mold it

If it 

Must stay

If not

Let me

Trust

That the 

Journey

You have

Me on

Is one

Just for

My soul

To rejoice

Worldly colors

 As Cuban

As a cigar

Ukrainian

And Romanian

Loved the Olympics

Because I got

To cheer 

For my ancestral heritage

Yet be grateful

That I bleed

Red, white

And blue

Henry Louis Gates

I love finding 

My roots

And treasuring 

The person

They shape

As I look

At my reflection

And tell 

The Master

How much

Of a privilege

It is 

To be His

He doesn’t like

That my soul

Has been split

Between perfection

And mediocrity

Do not seek

To copy

Humanity

All imperfect

Flawed beings

Needing saving

From ourselves

Love me well

Until I’m able

To do it

With consistency 

Drought

 Do I trust

That you’re 

All I need

That time

Hasn’t been lost

Or not used wisely

Redeem me

Lead me

The sun

Is there 

For shining

Thriving

And the rain

Pours down

To water

A soul

In drought

Peace

 Gallop into freedom

Run into abundance

Walk in joy

Grounded

In grass 

And faith

Where the 

Voice heard

Is not

My own

Day one

Of belief

Where no

Questions

Are asked

No answers

Sought

Just dreaming

Of the days 

Juggie and I

Were in sync

The noise

Of confident

Strides

A long 

Soft mane

Who desired

Delicate caresses 

And kind

Adoration

Human nature

Mirrors

My beloved horse

Kindness and love

Displayed

With no

Need

For anything

In return

Though

The animal

Gave me more

Than could ever

Be enumerated

In the shade

Of majestic oaks

An animal 

Bestowed on me

The greatest gift

Peace

Lost

 Greener pastures

The goal

The only 

Thing is

You’re never

Prepared for 

What it takes

To make

It happen

The sweaty brows

Bruised knees

And egos

That get

Busted

More than 

NCAA brackets

Life

What happens

When focus 

Is lost

And running

On fumes

Making up

Lost ground

And precious seconds

Lord

Make it

Worth the pain

Answers

 Knee deep 

In the weeds

Is the valley

Of shadows

Lurking

Underneath

What will

Be found

Remains

In mystical mystery

Will life’s answers

Appear

Without realizing

I’ve been

Asking

The wrong questions

All along. 

Me

 Silky chemise

Underneath

Oversized sweater

On top 

To wrap

Myself in

A snuggled hug

Trying to replicate

Human touch

Craving the heat

Of a warm body

Beside me

Lord warm

Me up

From the

Inside out

And give me

The desires

Of my

Heart

When You

Get ready

To bless

Me

Sun

 May the sun

In its strength

Mirror

That of

The Son

Pour my cup

Fill it up

And keep 

It going

So I

Can pass

It on

Fulfill me

So I lack nothing

Or seek 

Something

I think 

I want

But will

Leave me

Hungry

And thirsting 

For the 

Good stuff

Power

 Blessed is

The one

Who finds

Joy in difficulty

For in tribulation

We tap

Into His power

Not our own

Yes

God is working on my soul. Stillness is working. I usually listen to half the instruction, and getting going. I’m getting pieces. I was about to run again, but something didn’t sit well. So I will continue to listen because when I was ready to give up, God keeps bringing it back to my attention. 

I wait

Until

You show up

With an

Enthusiastic yes

Or emphatic no

Love yourself and one another

Trusting

 Trusting you

Is so hard

Yet so necessary

Without the world

As my anchor

I’m appreciating

Not knowing

Surprise me

Lord

Give me 

Your best

As I rest

Out

 Ball cap

Sunscreen 

The fishing line 

Being yanked 

By a big one

Had me 

Laughing 

God

Has

It 

All

Figured 

Out

Questions

 What are you reading?

What are you buying?

What healthy meals are you making?

Your wins for the week?

What is making you smile?

Growth and greatness

 Got some tough love yesterday, but was given it kindly and with love. Sometimes love can be rough. Sometimes perception and reality are so different it takes someone with fresh eyes to show you how to take a mindset reset. In ten minutes this friend reframed my brain on how I view the past, present and future. In two different days, two friends drug me down the rabbit hole of my psyche, digging to the crux of my problem, and turning the world on its axis. They both are busy, but they took the time to minister to me. I told them I didn’t want to bother them, but it wasn’t an option. 

I was to spill my guts. I was to release the pain. The agony that has taken over my mind and body. Praying is great, but God gives you people willing to help. Take it. If it’s being offered freely, God is giving you the opening. Use it. When your friends can here in your voice the demons resurfacing, you just say a silent thank you that you can hide. Hide from those whose joy is to see you thrive. 

I can’t give them any worldly value, but what I give them is more than enough. And I look up now, smile and give thanks. The return on investment in these friendships is eternal. 

So what I’m saying this. 

God is giving me

An opportunity

An opening

To reach

Into growth

And greatness

I can only

Hope the same

To be

True for you

Equitable

 Buckle up buttercup

The day is coming

Where no longer

Do the tears

Flow from despair

Rather gratitude

Invades the veins

And leaves

You better

Than you

Were found

And, and

I look forward

Forward with hearty

Anticipation

That the world

I inhabit

Will be

Kinder

And more

Equitable

Backroad, watermelon, well water

 I saw a friend say all they needed was ‘A Carolina backroad, watermelon and well water’. It made me smile. I understood the feeling. What he described I felt in my soul. I can’t drive, but I can just picture riding in an old pickup spitting watermelon seeds out the window while the solo cup I carry from home was some water from the well waiting on to guzzle as I swelter in triple digit heat. 

The radio is blasting my eardrums. The warm breezes brush the follicles. The heat brings the sweat on a tank top that’s seen better days. It doesn’t look great. More like a worn dishrag. The memories it holds. The bonfires in the front pasture sitting on square bales. The days picking up sticks. Fishing with a cane pole. Picking muscadines. Not that I knew what they were until South Carolina became the place I first learned would set my world upside down. 

I learned from the old ladies the hard work of picking cotton and frying fatback. I said so many times there wasn’t anything to do in these backwoods, but I was young and dumb. Now I treasure my privacy and quiet. If nobody knew my name. I’d survive. When the world tells you that what you offer has no value, you don’t worry. 

The thoughts of others no longer resonate. Look above. The world will tell what you want to hear until it decides your old news. Eventually we all become old news. So I will revel in the backroad, watermelon and well water. The land again delivers. The earth teaches enjoyment because one day you return to where you start. 

So Lord, I’m here again. It starts and ends with you. Always has. Always will. I forget it all too often. And in the most simplistic moments you take the time. The time to remind me what will matter. And what never does. 

Duke’s

 Kicking up

The red clay

Dancing in 

Flip flops

Covered in

Cut wet grass

And following

The sparrow

Who God covets

And wondering

When the 

Mustard seed

Can become 

Real 

For a soul

Needing

Daily resets

From a world

Demanding 

An expectation

From this human

Who just desires

A tomato sandwich

Spread with 

Duke’s mayonnaise 

And slices 

Of crisp bacon

Finding peace

In simple

Southern classics

Remind me

To access childhood

If only

From the 

Annals of 

My memory 

Long lines

 Classically beautiful. A ballerina’s finesse with athletic torque. Long lines. Toned thighs. The prowess of a lion. The style of a carioca. The happiness of a stick. To know your talent is a masterclass to enjoy. The flair of your culture is in your face. 

Love 

Who 

You are

You don’t get

To choose

Much in life

So smile

Because

Who you are

Is more 

Than DNA

More

 In the overcast skies this morning, I take a breath and soak it all in. I’ve had to reset for a bit. Writing has saved me yet frustrated me. I never stopped, but I lost my fire. I lost my joy. I had to go back to square one. The teenage me who reveled in the written word. I won’t be Vonnegut or Tolstoy, but I can be me. I’ve had to be honest. I’ve had to ask myself why I write. 

Once I started to answer that question, could I find my footing. It’s been an interesting time. Is my joy totally back?  Not yet. Is my confidence back?  No. I continue to push ahead until I find it. Keep moving. Keep going. I refuse to let my mind tell me I’m not good enough. 

God

As I journey on

Give me joy

Give me peace

Even if

This is

Where my 

Success remains

I want more

But I

Want Your

Will 

Most of all

Thank you

 In the space 

Of time

A birthday

Has come

And gone

Yet

The feeling

Of joy

Is ever present

Because 

I’m granted

Your time

And love

Priceless gifts

Worth more

Than many

Worldly goods

Love you all

More than 

The flowery

Words

My mind

Can conjure

Five things

Five things

I’m so grateful for all the birthday wishes. You spoil this lady with love. 

Unexpected gifts are my happy spot

A haircut and a walk are good for the soul

A drive in the country with my mom are entertaining

You never know when you will learn something to change your life

41

 41 starts now. 

May I 

Be willing 

To learn 

Slow to anger

Find gratitude 

In simplicity 

And love 

In mysterious 

Places

Thank you for all your love.  It’s the best birthday present. Grateful for your faithfulness in building me up. God grant me serenity and peace in the year ahead. 

fishdudez

 I got a text with an attachement. My nephew has started his own journey on Youtube. It’s called fishdudez. I’m so proud of him. I’m never met a more avid fisherman. He loves to makes his own fishing lures. A true country kid ironically who lives in South Florida. I love you Mason. 

He doesn’t know I’m sharing this, but I’m a proud aunt. I will gladly support him, and build him up. 

All lowercase fishdudez on Youtube. 

Love you kid. 

Motion

 In the soppy slog

Sinking into

The deep green

Of grass

Not seen

In awhile

The valley

Has been productive

Nowhere near fun

As I celebrate

My birth soon

I’m realizing

What joy

Is found

In rebirth

One founded

On truth

That is being

Brought forward

Without blinders

Staring ahead

With hope

That change

Doesn’t have

To be

As scary

That necessary steps

Aren’t meant

To paralyze

But propel

Our feet

In motion

Snooze

 Walking the fields

Stetson as the topper

The leash

On the poodle 

Who at fourteen 

Still thinks

He’s in his prime 

But after

A thirty minute walk

Collapses in

The chair

Snoring for 

The next

Hour

Garden

 The clouds 

Fluff and puff

Like the pinkest

And stickiest

Cotton candy 

From the state fair

And as 

I’m setting

The scene

For a magical

Afternoon

I look out

My kitchen window

And my reality

Is on a nice

Downpour

To water

The parched garden

Heart

 Dancing to

The beat

Of my 

Own drum

Is freeing 

My soul

And opening 

My heart

To the 

Possibility

That the

Miracle

Is ready

To be 

Uncovered

Seeping in deep

 Great outdoors 

Speak to me 

Draw me in

And seep

Into the marrow

Seeing straight 

Is a problem 

Going back 

To the

Stone Age 

Cooking over

An open flame 

Let the oak

Flavor marinate 

The Cornish 

Game Hen

That will be

My lunch

Cinq

 Five things

Even since the social media cleanse, I realize how addicted I’d become. The desire for stuff, and the perfect lives of people had made my depression eat me from the inside out. I still have those desires, but with time I hope it subsides more. I spend less time on my phone, and in the real world. What a blessing. 

I actually stare out my window, and wait for today’s story to come to fruition. It’s so different from how I would normally try and craft my narrative. 

The pressure I put on myself to be productive was insane. My health is still recovering from my self imposed need to stay busy. Because busy is good apparently. 

Birthday is coming up. Don’t know how I will celebrate. I don’t know what I want. 

My favorite gift already came. It’s a birthday card from my friend Borqna. My Bulgarian friend knows how to cheer me up while reminding me of my worth. 

Have a beautiful day. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

Questions

 What are you reading?

Will you will be watching the Olympics?

Any summer vacations?

What are you cooking lately?

What are you baking lately?

Terra firma

 I had the first cantaloupe of the season. It was a small one. One I could play catch with. I had to rub it. Feel between the grooves. I lifted it up to my nose and smelled. I couldn’t smell anything. That didn’t stop my joy. I walked to the patch, and my happiness didn’t dim. I felt ease in my soul. Day two of no social media at all has been interesting. I’m immersing myself in letting the land speak to me. Speak it will. 

I’m enjoying just feeling free from consumerism and comparison. The more I was on social media, the more I wanted things. I wanted what others had. Right now, I’m taking Hemingway’s cue with my computer and its keys. It’s just us. Nothing else. I don’t know if I will miss the friends I’ve made through Instagram, or if I will return. 

I’m returning to my roots. The land is feeding my mind, body and soul right now. Walking to the line in Old Navy flip flops to hang out clothes. Letting the sun be my clothes dryer. Letting the wet grass sink into my toe beds. Smelling the freshly cut grass. Let’s call it eau du jardín.  I’m taking out the old hula-hoop and taking it for a spin. Never got the hang of it. I still like to twirl it on my arms pretending to be a circus performer. A little chameleon in my own mind. 

Letting childhood pleasures take hold. When I started taking life too seriously. Forget how to laugh. My face took on a permanent scowl. I’m not saying I won’t have days where I may feel like I’m missing something, but sometimes God does for us, what we are unable to do for ourselves. My own search for joy in what is already mine not in what is sought. 

R and G: an internal dialogue

 As my dogs are sacked out on couches with just some morning tunes on, I’m learning several things. I can’t force the process. Writing or otherwise. The words come at unexpected times. Sometimes its at 3 in the morning when sleep is a mirage. Or it is when I’m watching Netflix. Creativity is a not a process. A process that takes time. I’m not very patient. I know it. Known it for years. It’s where God and I come to a head most days. My internal dialogue with Him looks a lot like this:

R: Why again?

G: Child, this is your favorite question. 

R:  It is. You haven’t answered yet. 

G:  How many years have we had this chat?

R:  Too many

G:  You don’t trust me. It’s not a question. Your prayers are the same. 

R:  I’m just tired of waiting. 

G:  As long as I have you living, you have all the time in the world.

R:  I know, but…

G: But what?

R:  The world makes me feel like I’ve wasted time. Time I can’t get back. 

G:  Time is infinite for me. Nothing is ever wasted. Those years are preparing you for greatness. The world doesn’t determine your worth. I do. 

R:  I know. It’s hard. 

G:  You are in the world, but not of this world. I’ve been faithful. Now show me yours. 

R:  Okay

So folks, this journey is not easy, but I’m on it. 

Love yourself and one another. 

Regine

New York days

The redhead

In a DVF wrap

Strolling the

Upper East Side

In a Chloe satchel

Clutching a coffee

From Ralph’s

While her 

Manolo’s clack

Against the sidewalk

At a breakneck pace

That makes me dizzy

Just being the casual

Observer I am

I’m headed 

To another borough

To catch

The Bronx Bombers

Show the 

Rest of 

The American League

How it’s done

Too bad

I reminisce 

About

The past

When it 

Was the Jeter show

And a closeout

By Mariano

To seal the deal

Released

 Spark the flame

Shine the light

Find the joy

Listen for 

The quiet

Sign

That you’re 

On your way

To fulfill

The promises

That lead 

To prominence

Love yourself

For when it’s done

The world

Opens up

To become

The fruit

Of your labor

Nothing is hidden

Nothing is held back

Freedom finds

The slave

Whose bonds

Have been

Released

Horse

 Riding the horse in the early morning underneath the shadow of the trees, I take in the solace of your silent words. I guide the horse underneath the tree to pluck an apple. One for me and one for my friend. Taking a few moments to pet this divine animal who makes me euphoric. Animals are God’s gifts to us human who make simplicity seem so difficult. 

Run wild 

And free

My fierce

And regal

Companion

You love

As I caress

Your mane

And rub

Your ears

As you lean

Back

And find delight

In my touch

Learning

 It’s foggy and drizzling. A perfect reprieve from the heat. Learning about oneself is a brutal task, but necessary. 

I’m learning that I love seeking out the birds. I love to see creation soar. Maybe I could learn some lessons from the smallest birds who know that the birdfeeder is always full. They know God will provide through my faithfulness. 

I love to see the fish swim around in the pond wild and free. Maybe I could swim wild and free not worrying about the next task that needs to be completed. 

I’m learning that the dog wants constant love and affection. It has to be touching me. Maybe I need to be reminded that God will provide that for me if I ask. 

What are you learning?

Shore days

 I stare up at a Parisian landscape, and imagine myself there. Until I make it, I will continue to marvel at the scene and think of the person who it belonged to before me. The worldly woman who danced to her own beat. The one who understood to joy of living. Who was a creature of habit. Who ate a bowl of cottage cheese topped with pineapple. 

Never stop telling stories. They last beyond lifetimes. I look at their possessions, and imagine what brought them a smile. I’ve never met most of these people, but their not merely names. They come alive in my soul. I can imagine my great-grandmother making her son her favorite meal. The aunt who took each moment to wear pearls or her favorite brooch. I can imagine summer days at the shore dancing to Elvis or Sinatra. 

So tell me all the stories. It’s what is remembered. Trust me. I tell my mother each day that these people may be no longer here, but they’re alive in me. 

Alive you’ll 

Always be

Because of 

Your faithfulness

To build

Those I love

Into wonderful

Human beings

Rosy

 Taking a walk on the wild side. An early morning sweat as I walk down the driveway. Worship music flowing as I say not one word. Sometimes being still is being silent. I don’t need to ask anything. Simply be one with what is seen. The gravel moves along with my cadence. The sound as sweet as the music in my ears. I look around and see cut limbs that will dry out and maybe become firewood. I take a look at the trees swaying in the breezes that my hair get brushed by with every move. 

I look for the lone rose or the lone weed that shows me both are needed. The rose has its outward. The weed not so much. The weed teaches more than the rose. The weed is resilient no matter how much of a nuisance it is. I’m the weed. I may be told I’m as pretty as the rose, but to live with CP, becoming the weed is imperative. 

Being pretty gets me nowhere most days. The exterior is just the door opener. To keep the door open, the feisty weed you must morph into. The truth isn’t so pleasant sometimes. Sometimes you have to be honey, and others vinegar. I don’t like confrontation, but push come to shove, you must return punches. Learning to soar on wings not known to me before. My kindness to you is a gift from above. Don’t take it for granted. 

Lord

As you morph me

Into the creation

I’m to be

Let me fierce

When needed

Yet still 

Being soft

When necessary

Loving myself

Is the journey

I’m on

And if it

Means

Detaching

Or disconnecting

To be brought

Back to center

Rebuttal

 It’s late at night. The music is my only partner tonight. Life is what you make it. Finding reasons to smile. Unexpected blessings pop up when nothing is expected. I’ve had to learn that kindness can be exploited and manipulated. Will I stop being kind. No. Will I be more careful to guard my heart. Yes. 

Right now I’m just enjoying sitting in darkness. In its presence, I practice stillness. 

Pay attention 

To your soul

It will speak 

When you get 

Ready 

To listen

Without 

Needing

Rebuttal

Saturday

 Saturday good things

Pizza day

Crazy Rich Asians movie

Old James Perse shorts 

Name yours

Questions

 What is your win for the week?

What is making you smile?

Best recipe you made?

Book you read?

Thing you bought?

Gift

 It’s a true blessing

To trust God 

When everything

Makes no sense

But your calm

Knowing

It’s not 

Your job

To figure

It out

Not every day

Is this good

When it is

I just accept

The gift

That it is

Carats

 Took a little ride around the property. Needed to gaze at the rolling hills and green grass. Nature really clears the thoughts. Feel small sometimes. Let something be bigger. Be present. Be available to wonder. 

Listening to Luke

And Morgan

Croon about

Country living

Makes me feel 

Alive and well

Because they 

Realize the joy

That comes

From living

This reality

Where net worth

Is not a thing

To celebrate

The dirt 

Underneath

My toes

Is the gem

The diamond

Carats upon carats

Is covered

In red clay

Reality

 As I pick the tomatoes off the vine. I swirl them in my hand. I feel its texture. It’s firmness. I examine its bright hue. I look for the sights around me. I listen for the bees. I smell for the flowers. I look for the hose to keep them watered. I seek the things that keep me fed. The grass grounds me to the earth. In your domain what am I?

I’m the apple of your eye

The gelato to the cone

Baseball to the American psyche

The truth is never pleasant

But it frees you

From your own prison

The enslavement

You created

Trying to be

The embodiment 

Of perfection

That is an illusion

Because its not 

An attainable reality

Love yourself and one another